Blackout
by Svaler
Summary: A few years ago, Bella went through a traumatic experience. She hits rock bottom when she meets her psychiatrist Dr. Cullen. After they spend a night together, Bella wakes up, remembering...nothing. Her cheating ex-boyfriend reveals a dark truth about Bella's one night stand... All human. HEA. Rated M for dark themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine. Stephenie Meyer owns it all.

 **A/N:** This story has a few darker themes and is not suitable for younger readers. If you're uncomfortable with this, then this story might not be for you.

* * *

 _ **Full Summary**_

 _A few years ago, Bella went through a traumatic experience. She hits rock bottom when she meets her psychiatrist Dr. Cullen. After they spend a night together, Bella wakes up, remembering...nothing. Out of thin air, her cheating ex-boyfriend reveals a dark truth about Bella's one night stand. She is forced to make a few tough decisions, which causes the entire Cullen family to turn against her._

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _I'm not crazy._

I parked my car carefully and took a deep breath. If it weren't for Leah, my very dear friend, I wouldn't even be here. I was certain that I didn't belong here.

 _Because I'm not crazy up there._

That's what I kept telling myself.

The hospital itself wasn't so very mocking, but it was the fourteenth floor where I was heading that was giving me a hard time. On the fourteenth floor awaited a psychologist for me. I considered leaving and pretending I never made an appointment on this dreaded December the second. I had to cancel work for this! I always worked on Fridays, especially in the mornings. Mike promised me that he was okay with this, with me having an appointment with a psychologist. That was the kind of guy Mike was, always kind and considerate. He was a good friend of mine, but we weren't _that_ close. Still, when he asked bewildered why I needed the morning off, I found myself telling him the truth. He didn't judge. He didn't even look at me as if I was crazy. He only smiled, offered me to entire day off and wished me luck. I made sure to tell him I would arrive at work as soon as possible. I wasn't sure what this morning would be like, but I did know that as soon as it was over, I needed distraction and the best place would be at work.

I remained in my car and stared at the enormous hospital building. I didn't want to go inside the hospital.

Beside me, another car parked. I only looked, because the car was a flashy, black sports car. Honestly, it was like the blinding sun that people automatically look at for a second, only to get blinded and hurt in the eye.

I searched for my phone in my bag, only to see a text from Leah.

 _\- Don't you dare! Yes, I know what you're thinking! Go to the appointment._

She was right about one thing. I was thinking about leaving and not going to the appointment.

My phone slipped and fell somewhere beneath the passenger's seat so I had to lean down and grope around to find it. It was too dark to see, so I was searching blind and touching nearly all spots on the ground, until I finally touched the edge of my phone and took it in my hand. I leaned up again and glanced at the screen. There were no cracks, luckily. This wasn't the best time to break my phone. I couldn't afford a new one. I could barely afford this car, but no way would I sell it. It was a gift from my dad, the last one he ever bought me.

My eyes went up as I saw a man in a neat, dark grey suit with a white blouse and black tie walk quickly past my car toward the hospital. I was certain he was the owner of the car. Someone with that car sure could afford a suit as well as the one that he wore. He was handsome, especially his good hair and confidence. He had a walk that told the world he knew that people were looking at him.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who noticed this.

He walked past my car and before he'd even taken a few steps away from his car, a tall redhead stepped right in front of him to force him to stand still. She wasn't quick to hesitate in her actions. Her mouth was moving, but most of her body language was doing the work. She leaned forward toward him with a small, inviting smile. He scowled, but only for a moment.

They kissed. That easily. Perhaps she was his girlfriend.

He was the first to pull back. I noticed his mouth moving and his hand waving to the hospital. Then he started walking, but not before the woman managed to tell him something that made him take out his phone, type something, then put it back in his pocket.

She made the sign of an old phone with her thumb and pinkie outstretched, while the other three fingers were bent and placed against the side of her face. I wasn't good at reading lips, but I thought I made out that she said to call him tonight. And I knew from the look on his face that he was considering it.

They split and I wondered how easy it was for some people to hook up like that, while for me it was like going through a difficult book in a language you weren't fluent in.

 _I'm not crazy._

My appointment was set for eight a.m. which meant I still had half an hour before I had to be at the psychiatrist. I detested waiting. On the first floor was a restaurant-café, which I first visited. I'd rather sit there for a while then on that fourteenth floor, where I really didn't belong.

I walked passed the food line and found a tasty looking chocolate doughnut. I took the plate with the pastry and went to the cashier. She was watching the doughnut, then me, then my stomach. I looked down myself, feeling unconscious for a moment. My belly was nearly non-existing, whereas she had nearly no body fat. Her judging eyes kept watching me and I wondered if anyone trained this girl to greet her customers.

I wasn't an idiot though. She was insecure. Most girls were.

I placed the plate with doughnut on the counter in front of her and smiled brightly.

"Hi, can I get a small regular coffee, please? And this doughnut."

"Yeah," she replied coolly, taking a cup and placing it under the coffee machine.

I was searching for my wallet in my backpack. It wasn't where I usually put it.

"Hey, there."

Automatically, I looked up, but the greeting wasn't directed to me.

That same man I saw at the parking lot stood in the line as well. He was being eyed by a blonde, thirty-something lady.

"Hi," he responded, though his face was turned away from mine.

I didn't hear the rest of a conversation, perhaps they spoke very silently, but I noticed something that caused my cheeks to turn red and my head to snap back to the insides of my bag. Her hand had reached his upper leg, then slowly she'd brought it up until she palmed him, between his legs. Was she seriously attempting sex in public? In a restaurant cafeteria? In the morning? At the hospital?

 _And I was wondering if I'm crazy?_

Trying to block that image, I searched the entire bag and by the time the cashier had put the coffee on my tray and told me the price, I looked through my bag one more time.

I saw a few discarded dollars, but it wasn't enough to pay for both the doughnut and coffee. I placed the three dollars on the counter. I was short on two dollars and fifty cents.

"Some people are _so_ slow," that same lady's voice muttered in anger behind me.

I ignored her and looked at the cashier instead.

"Sorry, but I forgot my wallet. How much for just the coffee?"

"I can't place the doughnut back, can I?" she asked condescendingly. "You've already touched it."

"Yeah, the plate, but not-"

"It's been touched," she screeched.

I stared at her, realizing that arguing wouldn't help me.

"Alright, how much for just the doughnut then?"

"And what about the coffee?" she said instead. "Am I supposed to put the used beans back in the machine, am I now?"

I opened my lips at her ridiculous comment.

"I'm sorry," I started. "But I forgot my wallet and this is all I have. Can't you please come up with some solution for me? I'm like, what? A dollar and fifty cents short? This can't be the first time you've encountered with someone who couldn't pay."

"True," she said with tight lips. "I would show them the way to the exit."

"That's very unfriendly of you," I stated.

"Do I look like I care?"

"You're mean."

I heard a heavy sigh coming from the woman behind me. Why was she irritated? Just a minute ago, she was attempting sex with the stranger man.

"I am a patient here, so you can hardly kick me out," I continued.

She watched me up and down, as if she didn't believe me.

"You're holding the line," that same voice from behind me said.

"Trust me," I said, turning my head, but barely looking at whom was talking to me, "I'm trying to get away from here as soon as I can."

"You look like you belong in the psych ward. It's on the fourteenth floor, sweetheart."

 _Sweetheart..._

The word to me was like poison.

My hand formed into a fist and I nearly struck her. I swear, I would have, if it wasn't for someone's hand engulfing my fist. My eyes involuntarily went up to the man in the suit. Suddenly I saw very much grey. Mr. Grey.

Until I noticed his eyes. Two emeralds, shamelessly gazing at me.

I was staring back.

When did the room get so hot?

"Easy," he muttered with the ghost of a smile.

I tensed up when I realized what he now knew; I'd been about to get violent.

With a quick jerk, I freed my hand and stepped back, ashamed. _No,_ I was mortified. I breathed heavily, but tried to keep it at a low tone. Had I really been about to strike that woman?

 _I'm not crazy._

"How would you know it's on the fourteenth floor?" he asked, glancing back to the woman, directing his words to her.

 _Good one._

I wagered a look in her direction, afraid she would call me for my moment of insanity. But strangely, she didn't. She must not have seen what Mr. Grey did. What a great convenience.

With an angry sigh, the woman stomped off angrily.

I never saw where the ten-dollar bill between his fingers came from. All I saw was his hand extended beside me, holding the bill out to the cashier.

"Add a coffee and a chocolate cookie to her list," he said, shifting his eyes to the cashier beside me. "And keep the change."

He said the last bit in a tone that also mentioned that she should be ashamed of herself. Before I could even object, he took my tray as well as his and placed them both on a table against the window.

He turned his relaxed body to me. His hands were in his pockets.

"Do you speak?" he asked.

He raised an eyebrow when I blinked.

"Yeah..."

"But?" he asked, recognizing there was a _but_.

It was hard to explain to him that I'd seen him on the parking lot, getting kissed and receiving a phone number for a possibly booty call tonight.

On top of that, I'd seen a different girl grab his male member in public, something even more intimate than a kiss.

Not to forget, he had seen what I'd been about to do! I almost hit that woman because of my own personal issues!

 _I'm not crazy!_

Despite that this man was very hot, because of my better judgement, I was sure that was all that he was; only a sexy body. And rich. He had to be if he owned such a car, that suit, paid for girls he didn't know and didn't ask back for his change.

"Didn't your parents at least teach you to say thank you when someone does something nice for you?"

My chest tore apart at the mention of my parents in such ways. How did this stranger dare to make a personal attack on my parents, because my behaviour didn't suit him? How dared he?

He was, as I suspected, nothing but an external beauty. From the inside I saw nothing but necrotic tissue; dead, rotten, spoiled.

I stepped forward, only to realize he was two heads taller than I. He raised an eyebrow again. I wondered what he was thinking. Could it be he thought I was about to strike him the same way I'd been about to strike that innocent woman?

"You can't blame the dead for my lack in manners, can you?" I said, my voice less angry and more pained than I wanted it to sound.

His mouth opened to say something as his eyes suddenly spoke a thousand words. An apology was on its way, so I held up my hand.

"Save it, please," I muttered.

And damn him for blaming my parents for not being polite. I was probably one of the politest people whom existed, saying _please_ and _thank you_ nearly always. And if I ever forgot to say those words, I felt bad afterwards. That's the kind of person who I was.

"I lost my appetite, but either way... _thank you_."

I sighed after emphasizing my gratitude. It sounded wrong and demeaning, but this stranger hit a soft spot.

"I have to go now. Way up to the fourteenth floor."

I smirked at the steer of his head and quickly walked out of there.

He probably thought I was joking, even though I wasn't.

.

.

.

I barely killed any time at the restaurant. Once I arrived on the fourteenth floor, I first went to the ladies' bathroom. I first washed my hands while staring at my reflection in the mirror. This morning, make-up hadn't been on my mind. I'd only bothered with jeans, brown boots and a bright blue sweater, which was covered with my dark blue winter's coat.

Maybe there was still time for a little make-up after all. I usually brought my mascara and some black eye pencil with me. I put my backpack on the ground and searched, but just like my wallet, I didn't have any make-up in it.

What was it with me today? I'd forgotten to bring things with me, then there was that Mr. Grey.

I splashed some cold water on my face to cool down. With a tissue, I dabbed my face dry.

Perhaps I could find a vending machine on this floor that sold coffee.

With my backpack in my hand, I opened the door, but halted when a few yards on the left, I saw him again. His back was turned against me, so thankfully he didn't notice me. He stood in a similar position as me, only it looked like he was about to enter the man's bathroom instead of leaving it. The reason why he stood there, was because a third girl in not even fifteen minutes' time had approached him.

Right before me, I encountered another moment of _boy meets girl_.

"Better not, darling."

"We can be really quick," I heard her say. " _Really_ quick."

"Five minutes?" he asked. "Can you come in five minutes?"

"With you, yes, _yes_!" she said enthusiastically. "I'm close already."

"I didn't bring protection."

"I don't mind," she said, shaking her head hard.

Pregnancy's and STD's obviously didn't mind her either. I felt a certain responsibility to tell her about that. Maybe she was a patient here, on this certain floor. People on this floor could need some more advice.

"We'll go and check for STD's together," she said, throwing her arms around him and starting a deep kiss.

With eyes wide and a strange sensation whether not to know if I should laugh of feel disgusted, I stepped back into the bathroom. I didn't want either of them to see me.

Check for STD's _together_? She made it sound like something romantic. What's wrong with her?

I looked in the mirror and it felt like my reflection in that moment showed me how to feel.

 _Happy._

We both laughed and I shook my head, because of how stupid it was of that girl. It was so stupid that it was funny.

After a few minutes, I carefully opened the door, then fully when they were nowhere in sight. I quickly walked in, in case they were having sex inside the male's bathroom. That wasn't something I wanted to hear and witness.

When I was following the signs to the waiting room of the psychiatrists, I thought of how Mr. Grey had kissed two different women. Could that be considered as cheating? No, I believed not. It perhaps made you less trustworthy if you ever got in a relationship together, but it wasn't cheating. None of those girls, as far as I knew, first consulted him if he had a girlfriend or not. They just jumped ahead and kissed him.

I made it to the waiting room and first stepped to the desk. There wasn't anyone in the line so I stepped forward and gasped when I saw who it was behind the computer.

A bitchy look appeared on Lauren's face. Lauren was the woman whom Jake, my ex, cheated on with. The last time I saw her and Jake was well over a year ago.

"Look what the cat dragged in," she sneered.

"I have an appointment at eight," I muttered, looking away.

She laughed, then looked at the computer.

"Oh, yeah, there you are," she said as she gazed at the screen. "What's the matter with you? Have you gone a little crazy?"

 _I'm. Not. Crazy._

"That's very unprofessional," I snapped. "Especially from you. You _work_ here."

"Only today," she said arrogantly. "Replacing a sick colleague."

"How very honourable of you," I muttered sarcastically. "I just came to say that I arrived, so I'm going to sit in the waiting room now."

Before I could hear her reply, I went to sit as far away from her.

Lauren was part of Jake now. The boy I used to love. He used to tell me such things as forever just him and I. But I guess that was another one of his lies. He used to tell me that he loved me. He said he couldn't imagine life without me. And yet behind my back he was spending his time with another girl.

I was left behind on my own.

Why would he have gone through so much trouble lying to one woman, if he's choosing to have sex with another one. Why would he lie to her, if she never meant that much to him in the first place? What was the thrill in being polygynous?

Jake said he would always be there for me. Then why did I find myself alone at nights? He had fallen out of love with me. But I hadn't. And I couldn't. Each time I thought of him, the butterflies deep inside of me would fly around in happiness, causing my breathing to hitch, because the memories were so beautiful to simply forget.

Did it not do him the same thing as it did to me, each time he would think of me? Did I, in fact, ever cross his mind, or had he completely forgotten about me?

One year had passed since the last time we spoke. Twelve whole months had passed, but none of my feelings had changed. They were still there. They still existed. I wished they didn't, because it was sometimes unbearable to feel so deeply for another person.

My friend Leah told me I needed some serious counselling. She told me to talk to the professionals. They would know what to do with _me_. As if my feelings were an error.

That's why I was sitting on an uncomfortable chair right now, staring at the hallway in front of me, where all the time, doctors walked through, calling in a patient. I was ten minutes early, but Mr. Grey had seriously messed up my morning from the moment I arrived at the parking space.

I waited until one of the strangers would call my name. I waited, and waited. A big, simple clock hung on the wall at my left, ticking too loudly for my liking. It was a constant reminder that I was waiting for the psychiatrist. When the long pointer of the clock reached the bottom, I got off my chair and went to Lauren. Her face was hidden from me because she had her head bent over a form.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

A pen was in her hand, but she wasn't writing. I cleared my throat, but she still didn't look up. I grew desperate and frustrated to stand before a person who instead of kindly asking me to wait, chose instead to ignore me.

" _I'm sorry_ ," I said with a raised voice. "But I'm still waiting for my appointment. It should have started at eight o'clock."

"Dr. Cullen has more patients, you know?" she snapped. "I suggest you wait quietly, until it's your turn."

My hands formed into balls as I really wasn't up for such a confrontation.

"What is wrong with you?" I snapped. "Because first, telling me condescendingly that I should _wait_ until it's _my_ turn, because the doctor has more patients, is downright wrong."

How about she realized that us patients made appointments, so that we're not forced to wait for long amounts of time. We've got jobs, plans we need to cancel for the appointments. Also, _after_ the appointments we have places to be, and if we're forced to wait nearly half an hour or more, we're yet again forced to postpone our plans because _Dr. Cullen_ couldn't make his appointment on time!

"If you don't calm down, I'm going to call security," she said angrily.

"What makes you think I'm not calm?" I snapped. "I'm waiting here for forever and you can't simply tell me if the wait will be much longer or not. It's half past eight! I'm probably his first patient. He could at least have the audacity to mention he's late because of traffic jam or whatever!"

"That's it," she said, reaching for her phone and putting it against her ear. "I'm calling security."

"And _second_ , because saving the juiciest bit for last is more fun, right?" I nearly yelled. "Do you have _any_ idea what I've been through? Why would you date a man that's already taken? Is it really that much of a thrill to go after the forbidden? Because _cheating_ on someone is never okay. It's _lying_ to someone in the highest form of _cruelty_."

"Don't you dare and blame me for your mistakes," she snapped, standing up and showing off her beautiful slender, tall frame.

I took a step back as she mentioned my mistakes. Was something wrong with me?

 _Am I crazy?_

I turned on my heels and followed the signs that showed me where the stairs were. I didn't feel the need right now to get inside a filled elevator that moved way too slowly. As I ran down the stairs, flight after flight, having lost count long ago, something insane happened.

My eyes were fixated on the stairs, so I bumped into someone's soft, warm embrace. Quickly and awkwardly I pulled back and brought my eyes to the victim.

 _Shit._

Victim, my ass.

He seemed to be haunting me today, because the person I bumped into was Mr. Grey. Only now he was Mr. White. He'd exchanged his grey coat for a white doctor's coat.

I was feeling as if a little Lord of the Rings was coming my way, but quickly shook it off when my eyes saw two words. I read on the badge something that made me freeze.

Dr. Cullen.

He was a doctor. Of this hospital. In the fourteenth floor. And he wasn't _just_ any doctor. He was the one whom let me waiting for half an hour, probably because he'd been getting some sex from either a patient on this floor.

I was so enraged and upset. It turned both my hands into fists.

My eyes went up and apparently his were already observing me closely. He must've seen my eyes on his badge and my hands form fists. There was a slight scowl that framed his face.

Luckily, I was _saved_. I'd almost given this... this... arrogant man whore my problems.

As I'd left Lauren without a word, I started a walk.

"What's the rush?" he asked, forcing me to stop with his body.

"I'm in the wrong hospital," I snapped with venom.

His lips went up in a strange smile, probably because nobody ever said such a thing in combination with anger.

"How did that happen?" he asked.

"I'm in a rush, so if you'll excuse me."

Unfortunately, that plan failed as I was held back with his hand on my upper arm. I looked at his hand in distaste.

"Before you go, can I have your number?"

"No, of course not," I exclaimed, pulling hard on my arm.

He watched me with care, almost as if he was trying to read me.

"Let me go," I said with finality.

He never budged.

"Only if you give me your number," he said with a same finality in his voice.

Did he honestly think I was attracted to him? He was demanding my number and blackmailing me. I let out a hard sigh.

"Alright," I said. "Give me your phone."

Finally, he released me. I had to admit he looked surprised at my quick change of my mind. He gave me the newest iPhone with raised eyebrows, obviously wondering why I was being snappy, yet complying.

I punched in Jake's number, which I knew by heart. I hoped he hadn't changed it. Next I typed _Lauren_ in the name box and wondered if he would text or call Jake's number and say Lauren's name. That would give Jake a taste of his own medicine.

I doubted any of that would happen. Many Mr. Grey look-a-like men had asked for my number and none of them ever called me. They only wanted to know if they could score me. And once I gave my number, they knew they had me.

He took back his phone and stared at the screen.

" _Lauren_ ," he said slowly. "I'm-"

"I don't care about your name. Goodbye."

He blinked and shook his head.

"Are you always this angry?" he asked.

"I have to go."

" _Right_ ," he said, stepping closer to me.

His body... it was too close to mine now.

"Because you're at the _wrong_ hospital. Which I'm quite sure is a lie. Plus, you're on the fourteenth floor."

I felt a wave of anger, the same wave I felt when Lauren asked me why I was here.

"So? What's wrong with this floor?" I asked him harshly. "Just because people might need a psychiatrist doesn't mean they're beneath you."

"I know that," he said quietly, for the first time showing a more gentler side. "But I'm concerned. In the cafeteria, you mentioned going to this floor. Now you're running away from it. Did something happen? Didn't your appointment go well?"

I flinched away from him, though my body was doing strange things in his presence.

"I'm not running away. And if you're so concerned, why are you flirting with me?"

A smile which he tried to suppress caused his features to become more handsome by ten thousand-fold.

"I know guys like you," I continued with sharp hatred. "They ask for a girl's number. But they never call. It's just a game for you."

"I'm not playing games."

I thought of that girl who was flirting with him and I thought of how he flirted back. I had an appointment with this doctor but during our appointment, he wasn't in his room to receive me. Instead, he was having sex. And his next patient was waiting now as well. Simply because he wasn't there for her. He was in this hallway with me.

"In fact, you are," I said. "For the simple fact that you are standing here _right now_ talking to me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I won't even waste my time on explaining it to you."

I was already taking steps away from him.

"You couldn't be harsher if you wanted to," he said with tight lips.

Obviously, he didn't know me that well. I was glad that he was fed up with me.

"Trying to come up with a smart comeback, sweetheart?"

My face fell. No, he wasn't fed up with me. He was still playing with me, provoking me. I stepped forward with rage but I couldn't use violence. Some force stopped me.

"Go ahead," he said with narrowed eyes. "I dare you. Don't think I forgot about what happened downstairs."

And obviously he couldn't wait to remind me, as if I'd forgotten about that.

I thought of Lauren, Jake, the cashier and the woman who groped Mr. Grey.

"You're just as bad as the rest of them," I said, even though he didn't know whom I meant. "Find out someone's weakness, then use it against them. Acting all noble and fancy, paying for my stuff. But you're just a pathetic and unprofessional doctor. Trying to get in my pants. You might have my number now. But you couldn't gain my interest, not even if you were a millionaire."

"Good to know," he said curtly, but his voice wasn't as strong as before.

That was my cue to leave. Something in his eyes was stopping me. Was it possible that I hurt him?

"You should go and see your patients now, Dr. Cullen. Don't let any of them wait for any longer than they already have."

I'd seen more than enough of his rotten behaviour as a person, but who was I to say whether he was a good or bad psychiatrist? Besides, that was all the explanation I was going to give him as to why I thought he was playing games. And of course, why I was so angry with him. While he spent his time elsewhere, his patients were waiting.

That wasn't right.

I ran down the rest of the flight of stairs and walked out of the hospital, finally breathing in fresh air. I was still trying to calm myself down as I noticed a hospital plastic bag hanging over my side-view mirror. I picked it up and hoped somebody wasn't paying an awful prank with me. I opened the back very carefully on a distance, expecting dog poo or something equally bad.

Instead I found my chocolate doughnut folded into a napkin and a note. I looked to the side, at his car which was still parked beside mine. Then I brought my eyes to the note.

 _Sorry for the way I spoke to you.  
An innocent joke turned tasteless.  
Sorry for offending you.  
I hope your appetite returned.  
_ _\- Edward  
_

My lips pursed, remembering my previous words: I don't care about your name.

His name was Edward. And after I left the cafeteria, he must've written this note, taken my doughnut and brought it to my car. Then he went back to the hospital and I caught him with that woman...

My eyes snapped to his car again as if he stood there, but he didn't. I thought of how I saw him when I arrived here, so I knew which car was his. But how did he know which car was mine? Did he notice me as well? But when? He was in such a rush this morning. He couldn't have seen me, but I couldn't think of another explanation.

I reread the note and felt an awful lot of guilt flood inside me. Perhaps this guy was rich and well-wanted among the women. His attempt to buy me stuff and ask my number were not flattering to me. But the doughnut I so badly wanted, placed neatly in a napkin and inside this bag, along with the handwritten apology, followed by placing it on my car - as he somehow knew this car was mine - for whatever reason he thought fit, was very kind.

It didn't matter much though. He was still the doctor who left me waiting for his own egocentric reasons.

.

.

.

When I arrived in my single room apartment, I changed into thick, comfortable clothes and dropped on the couch in exhaustion. I called Mike and asked him if he would mind it much if I took the entire day off after all. I was lucky that he was friendly enough to accept my question.

As the hours passed, I wasn't sure what to do. Despite my frustrations over Mr. Grey, Jake was everywhere inside my head.

I decided to look him up on Facebook. It was a weak thing to do, but I had to see if he had made one. He never liked social networks. He never made a Facebook. Each month after the break up I tried to find him, see if maybe he made an account.

It had been quite a few months since my last search. It was December now and the last time I tried was in September. It was the day when the university I'd applied to sent me a thin envelope. It said that I'd been on the wait list since June, but unfortunately had no space for me. They wished me luck in my further career.

Last September when I saw the rejection letter from the last university that had placed me on the waiting list was even more painful compared to the breakup between Jake and me. Not that I like to complain one event to another, but those were two main things in my life. My boyfriend and a career in medicine.

I gasped as I saw a tiny, tiny picture of Jake in the searching bar after I typed his name. I quickly clicked on his profile, but he had put the privacy settings on just friends.

I also saw her. His new girlfriend. She was clinging on to him as if she had only just seen him. She clung unto him as if she was afraid of losing him. I knew, because that was the way I'd clung unto him so many times. I wanted to so badly send him a message through the messenger. I just wanted to ask him if he's alright. But maybe he'd think that's stupid, once he saw the message. And worse of all, he'd only hurt me more if he chose to ignore my message and I would be left here, waiting in vain.

With tears in my eyes, I went to YouTube and I studied instead with online material. It was what gave me strength, so that's what I'd keep continue doing. It was the right thing to do.

I got wait listed and then rejected by the university I wanted to study at. That caused my dream to be crushed into smithereens. I took a job, and decided to take the year off. However, only after a small two months, last November, I found myself again. That feeling came back to me, the one that always guided me toward my dreams. Many times, I was let down, but I still had some strength left to go for it one more time.

Since November I was practicing, studying, making notices and writing small pieces of information on post-it notes, so I could stick them to walls and read them over while I was cooking, walking around the room or tossing around in bed.

Nobody knew about my plan. I was afraid to tell them. I was afraid they'd laugh at me for trying it again. The previous years I'd failed repeatedly. If I told my friends about this, I would feel a certain pressure that I would have to succeed. If I kept it the way it was now, I felt no pressure to do it for other people.

I was doing this all for myself and myself only.

Around three o'clock at night, my eyes were no longer able to stay open. I crawled to bed and instant darkness overtook me. I was aware that staying up until late, resulting in little sleep, wasn't a healthy thing to do, but I couldn't remember the last time I slept a decent good night's sleep. It must've been in an era when my parents were both still alive.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N:_** _I love your responses. Thanks for the reviews, they're great._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

The next morning I had to drag myself out of bed with a pounding head, because I only slept for three hours. I tried to keep jumping as I collected my outfit and ran to the shower. It was freezing and my teeth were chattering. I was running late this morning. There wasn't any time left for breakfast, because I had to blow-dry my hair. It was way too cold to go outside with wet hair. But at least they served coffee at work.

It took me some time to warm up my car, scratch the ice off and wait for the condense to leave the glass. But once it was warmed up, the twenty-minute ride was super comfortable and I made it in time, only to stand in front of shut doors. I knocked a few times, but no one was there. All the lights were still turned off.

"Of all days, it had to be this one," I muttered to myself.

Mike was usually never late. And on this freezing day, he was. I found my phone with chattering teeth and dialled his number. He better be on his way.

"Bella!" he muttered sleepily. "Shit, look at the time! It's nearly seven o'clock! I'm so sorry. I'm on my way. I _will_ make this up to you. See you in fifteen."

"At-t least b-brush your t-t-teeth," I joked with tattering teeth.

I heard a groan before he hung up. Fifteen minutes was a long wait in the cold, so I waited in my car instead, which still had much warmth in it. I put on the radio and heard a love song that was once Jake's and mine. Quickly I changed the channel, but the lyrics were already in my head.

 _"Girl your love to me feels just like magic_  
 _When you smile you have total control_  
 _You have power like nothing I've felt before_  
 _I've let all of my feelings show_  
 _Cuz I want you to know that.. I need you"_

He didn't need me. Jake was with Lauren now. Condemn that song and Marc Anthony to hell! I found a vengeful rock song which I listened to until my ears bled and my mind pushed Jake into the back of my head, back in that tiny box where he belonged. A few more songs played and it didn't help with my headache, but it helped me to distract my mind.

At last, Mike arrived so I stepped out of the car and walked in his direction.

"I am so, so, so sorry, Bella," Mike began once he was out of his car.

"It's okay," I said.

"Didn't mean to be late," Mike continued, as he unlocked the door of the cafeteria.

"Please, get in," he insisted as he let me in first.

It seemed like he was on the verge of panic which I could understand. It was fifteen past seven and the store would open in fifteen minutes.

"Honestly, I wasn't there for long," I said. "Don't worry, I'll cover the pastries so that we have that finished within fifteen minutes. If you start all the machines, empty the dishwasher and help the first customers, we should be fine."

"Good plan. You're a lifesaver, Bella."

I put the oven on and took a few of all pastries from the freezer. They were in the oven within five minutes. It would take twelve minutes for them to be baked. So perhaps they weren't finished within fifteen minutes, but Mike had a certain way with customers that changed their mood from annoyed to pleased. He would either apologize, explain the situation, give them a discount or a free drink.

Usually there were early customers. They would arrive early and wait until the cafeteria would open. Today there were none.

"It must be the weather," Mike said when he saw me looking. "Come here. You deserve a rest."

He had already made a latte for me, my favourite drink. He added milk and sugar to his own coffee.

"Thanks," I said with a deep breath.

Mike took a sip with still an apologetic look in his eyes.

"I don't mind hard work, Mike. Honestly. And there aren't any customers yet."

He nodded as he walked to the door and unlocked it. He turned the sign that would indicate to everyone outside that the cafeteria was now open.

"Look, I brought this with me."

He showed me a single key with no key rings to it attached.

"I've been waiting for some time now to give it to you. My dad already agreed to it."

"What exactly?"

"It's the key to the store. Now you have one as well, in case I'm late again. Bella, I hate you stood here waiting for me in the cold. I know this won't make up for today, but it will prevent future unfortunate waiting in the cold and dark by yourself. I'm very sorry."

He pressed the key in my palm and went further to sipping his coffee.

My heart swelled at the kind gesture that Mike presented me with.

"This is so very kind, Mike," I said with sincere thankfulness. "This... Of course, this makes up for today! I thought those were just words, but you really meant them."

"Sure I meant it," he said uncomfortably. "Would never lie to you."

My fingers curled around the key. It felt like a promise.

"Thank you, Mike," I said.

There was no way that I could accept this key. It meant too much, it was a big responsibility.

Before I told him that, I asked, "Why were you waiting for some time to give it to me?"

"I was uncertain what you would think of it, you know? Maybe you'd feel pressure or something to accept something you didn't want, but at least now I have a legit reason to give it to you."

"Why did you want to give me a key in the first place?"

Mike scratched behind his head and looked away uncomfortably.

"Well, I thought," he started slowly, "since you work here so much, with commitment and passion, you deserve a key. This place is yours as much it is my dad's and mine."

My throat shut hard and I felt guilty for giving the illusion that this was my dream job. I was only here to earn money. I didn't hate the work or Mike or his dad, but I was working on getting into medical school. That was what I was truly committed to.

Was I supposed to correct him or keep my mouth shut for just a while longer? Besides, if I didn't get accepted, I might as well end up working at this cafeteria.

"Mike, this is super kind of you and your dad, but I can't accept it. It's such a huge responsibility."

"Please, Bella. Keep it. I want you to have it. It's for emergencies like today."

I sighed and nodded slowly.

"Alright. Thank you so much."

We started working, baking more pastries and placing them behind the counter as the place slowly started filling. Most customers were elderly people who came here for breakfast.

Whenever there was time, Mike popped a comment or a question.

"So, yesterday..." he began. "How was it, talking to somebody who's actually gone to college to _talk_ to people?"

"The appointment was cancelled," I grimaced.

"Do you need another day off?" Mike asked. "It's alright, you know."

I shook my head. "The appointment was cancelled, but he and I did meet, sort of. It didn't go so well."

"What happened?"

With eyes low, I told him everything. I needed to know what another person thought of it, a third person, someone who wasn't there yesterday. I finished the story with how I told Mr. Grey that he shouldn't keep his patient's waiting. Only then did I look up for the first time.

Of course I left out the parts about Lauren and I altered the story a little, saying I punched a wrong number in Mr. Grey's phone instead of Jake's. My past was something unknown to Mike and I liked to keep it that way.

Mike stared at me in shock.

"Was he even a real psychiatrist?" was the first this that Mike blurted out. "You _could_ sue him. For real. He was pretty abusive and breaking several rules with what he did."

"I know, but he didn't even know I was one of his patients. Or that I saw him with three different girls. And I saw the kiss, but I can't tell for sure he had sex with someone."

"I still think you should. It's... _bad_."

"There's one more thing. He placed a plastic bag on the side-view mirror of my car with the doughnut and an apology note. Why would he do that?"

"He might have a conscience. How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know...I was confused, wondering how he knew which car was mine, why he acted so nice suddenly. But he did this before I encountered him again on the stairwells. He must've regretted it afterwards."

"That is strange. You should confront him about it."

"All I want is to forget it. And honestly, I'm fine. It's not like I'll ever see him again."

* * *

It was almost four o'clock, the time when the shop closed. A customer flew through the doors and had her phone against her ear. She was listening to the receiver, giving the appropriate _yes_ and _hmm_ replies every now and then. At the same time, she seemed like she couldn't wait until the receiver would finally tell her goodbye.

I realized I was staring at her and that it was rude, but it was hard not to. Her five-inch red stilettos with a zipper on the side made loud clicking sounds on the hard pavement. She was shorter than I was. Her hair was cut in a pixie way and stood in all places, as if she'd ran her hand through it dozens of times. She seemed like a natural blonde, even though it was now pitch black. She wore a short sleeved tight black dress with bare legs. Perhaps she wore a pantyhose of her skin colour, but it was hard to tell.

I wondered where her jacket was. I would not like to walk around the cold winter air in that outfit. It was raining and it had made her dress a little wet. Her lower lip was trembling and her arms were around her body, probably trying to gain some warmth.

Her make-up was perfectly done, making her eyes stand out beautifully. She must have had a steady hand for being able to make such a sharp wing. It brought my mind momentarily to my overly expensive fifteen-dollar eyeliner which I bought months ago. Or was it years ago? It was probably all dried up by now.

However, it wasn't her hair, her clothes, her make-up or her natural beauty that had me staring at her; it was her body. Her arms and legs had no body fat what so ever. Even her face was very slender. The tight dress left nothing to the imagination. She was skinny, but not the natural skinny that some people simply possessed. She had this body because this girl had an eating disorder for sure.

I inwardly rolled my eyes.

 _Bella, you're not a doctor. Don't diagnose people as if you are one._

Besides, there were a thousand reasons for her thin frame. She could be physically sick, but I couldn't imagine her family letting her out on the streets in these conditions.

Anyway, it wasn't my place to judge. I wasn't a professional.

The girl brought her phone down and put it inside her small, red shoulder bag. She walked up to the counter with her eyes raised up, looking at the drinks and food we had to offer.

"Good afternoon, may I help you?" I asked.

"Hi, hi," she said, still her eyes up. "Yes, you may."

She stepped forward a little closer and looked down for the first time.

"Can I have the largest latte you have and two of those cinnamon pastries?"

So, there it was, my major mistake. She obviously didn't have an eating disorder or else she wouldn't want any sweets. Then again, with bulimia, people did eat large amounts of food and remained thin with either laxatives or vomiting.

 _Don't think about it, Bella._

I wanted her out of here as quick as possible. Somehow her presence was intimidating and reminding me too much of my mother. I refused to associate with someone who reminded me of that woman.

So as quick as I could be I grabbed our 0,5 L cup and put the machine on to make the girl a latte.

"Yes, we do, with a fifty percent discount now," I said quickly.

The discount was to lure more customers the last half an hour. Usually it's jammed in here with people getting the last of the pastries, especially for the discount. I supposed the weather stopped them.

"A discount? That's so sweet!" she replied.

Her hand was deep in her bag and her head low, searching through it.

"I know so many shops who just take advantage of their customers. They charge way too much. I'll take four to go, in that case, oh shew! I must've left my wallet in my car."

I took the latte and put it on the counter. Her current frustration reminded me of myself, yesterday, when I'd forgotten my wallet and only had three dollars. I couldn't pay for both the doughnut and the coffee. It reminded me of that lowlife psychiatrist and how he ruined my entire day. I felt rage just thinking about it, but I knew what that girl was feeling in that instant. Therefor, I told her what I would've liked to hear if I was in her situation.

"It's on the house," I said.

I took a paper bag and placed the last of the five pastries inside them. She said four, but it was a waste to throw the last one away.

"Oh no, I couldn't! Let me just go and quickly grab my wallet. I parked my car just around the corner. I'll be fast."

"That won't be necessary!" I called.

I wanted her out as soon as possible and this was not working in my favour. It was however no use as I was talking to her back.

As she turned and took her first stepped, she tripped over her feet. I saw how her left ankle wobbled, when finally, her foot turned inwardly. Her other foot was hanging in mid-air, which was horrible, because the girl had all her weight on her left ankle now. And right before my eyes, she dropped to the ground in a loud gasp-like groan.

"Are you okay?" I called.

She was moaning and puffing. I quickly walked around the counter to reach her. I noticed her ankle already getting puffy from the impact.

"It's swelling, wait here and let me get you some ice," I said, turning away from her.

I realized my words sounded stupid, so I turned back to her.

"Well, of course you'll wait, because you're hurt and can't go, but... I'm sorry, I hope I'm not offending you."

She gave a forced smile and looked up at me.

"It's okay, don't worry," she said. "Some ice would be great."

"Coming right up!" I said.

I went through the double doors and reached our freezer where we kept all frozen pastries. I couldn't find any ice, so I took a plastic bag of five frozen croissants. What was I going to do with her now? I hoped she could still walk.

"I couldn't find anything better..." I muttered lamely, bending through my knees and handing her the bag of frozen goods.

She burst out in laughter when she took the bag.

"They're so cute!" she said. "Do they rise in the oven or something?"

"Yeah, they do, they get almost three times their frozen size."

"I didn't know that," she said.

She'd taken off her stiletto's and placed the bag on her very swollen ankle.

"Then again, I don't know much about food."

I eyed her tiny, skinny frame quickly. She seemed vulnerable in that moment.

Her comment about food caught me off guard, even though I didn't want to admit it. It made me wonder if perhaps I was right after all about her having an eating disorder.

"How much sugar do you want in your latte?"

I went to the counter and made myself one as well. I couldn't possibly throw her out. She needed to cool her ankle first. I might as well enjoy the wait with a latte myself.

"I haven't paid you," she muttered, looking in my direction.

"I already told you it's on the house," I said. "So, sugar?"

I was already adding two bags sugar to mine and stirred it. Asking her if she wanted sugar was of course something I did on purpose. My curiosity was still there and I wanted to know if I was right.

"I'm not... I mean, I don't ever have sugar."

"I thought you were about to eat a cinnamon bun."

What did it mean anyway if I was right or not? My priority now was getting her out of here so I could close the shop and go home.

"I just pretend," she said with a sad face. "I'm twenty-three, but my parents act as if I'm sixteen. They still give me a hard time about my eating habits."

"Twenty-three?"

I couldn't help but repeat that number.

"You're really twenty-three?"

She nodded.

"You look so much younger than twenty-three. I would've never guessed it. Why are they giving you a hard time about that?"

"Well, I buy food, throw most of it away and eat maybe one or two bites in their presence, so they see me eating."

Throwing food away was such a waste. It was also a clear sign for anorexia.

"That must be hard," I said.

"Yeah, they keep going on and on about it until it drives me-"

"No, I didn't mean your parents," I said, interjecting her.

She watched me with a scowl. I didn't like it when someone insulted the people in their life who were there for them. At least she still had her parents, whether they gave her a hard time about her eating habits or not.

At least they cared about their daughter.

"Your parents just love you. You're lucky to have people in your life that wish you good health. What I meant is, that it must be hard to go through so much trouble just to trick your parents to fall for your lies."

She gave me an odd smile, her finger pointing at me in an accusing kind of way. She shook her head.

"You remind me so much of my brother," she said with a little amusement.

"How's your ankle?" I asked when I realized we were doing that thing where people just talk out of necessity.

I walked up to her with her unsweetened latte and handed mine to her. On purpose, of course.

"Painful," she replied. "It's so silly and ironic. I was on my way to the hospital and now it seems like I need a doctor myself. It really hurts when I move it."

Then she took a sip of the latte.

"This tastes sweet," she asked with a scoff.

"Does it?" I asked. "That's strange. Do you think you can walk?"

"I don't know," she muttered. "I can try and call my brother, let me see if he picks up his phone."

I let her work on her phone as she took sip after sip. Good. She needed some energy from the sugar and I was quite scared she could die at any second. That wasn't going to happen on my watch.

"It's going straight to voicemail! Always when I call him, he doesn't pick up the damn phone."

"Can't you call anyone else?" I asked dryly.

"It's pointless. My brother works at the hospital which is like a few minutes away from here. All my family is home right now, socializing and stuff. They always do that on Saturdays."

"Can't you call one of them?"

"They live like half an hour away from here."

She placed the latte on the ground and tried to get up. Her face contorted in pain.

"Shoot, shoot, shoot! Why does my foot hurt?"

I looked closer at it and saw some swelling on the side of her foot as well.

"Can you wiggle your toes?" I asked.

She tried carefully but didn't make much of an effort as she hissed in obvious pain.

"I can drive you to the hospital," I offered, perhaps a little reluctantly.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to force myself like that on you!"

Her voice sounded sincere as did her body language.

"It's okay," I replied with a nod.

Her smile reached her eyes and she extended her hand.

"I'm Alice by the way."

And just like that, the stranger had a name.

* * *

"The white Kia is mine," Alice said, pointing at the car across the street.

Her arm was around my shoulders. She was on bare feet but I checked for every step to make sure there were no sharp objects on the ground. I'd taken off my socks and given them for her to wear. It was a little uncomfortable to walk in my sneakers without any socks on, but the ground was too cold for her to walk on with her bare feet that only had a pantyhose around them.

Seriously, who wore this outfit in the middle of the winter? It was freezing right now!

"Do you have a coat in your car?" I asked.

"Yeah," she panted.

And the panting only got worse.

"Let's have a moment to rest," I said.

"Bother! I'm in debt to you forever."

"It's fine."

"This means the world to me. Besides, you must have your own plans."

"My schedule is actually empty."

"Lucky me," she said with a chuckle. "I think I can walk again."

I helped her reach the car and she opened the door and dropped on the passenger's seat.

"Let me get your shoes and my bag. I'll be right back," I told Alice and she nodded, probably unable to speak due to her lack of breath.

Alice had anorexia, of that I was sure now, and even the slightest exercise caused her heart to jump into a frenzy.

I unlocked the shop and stepped inside. Mike had left at three o'clock, because he had an evening class tonight and he hadn't prepared for it yet. Usually his dad would come and close the shop. Mike had asked if I wanted to close it by myself and I didn't mind it. It also saved Mike's dad a trip to the cafeteria. I wasn't yet sure how to feel about the key. I decided to think about that later.

First, I grabbed a large bag and put all the left-over pastries inside it. Then I took our latte's. I put them next to the pastries in the bag and quickly put on the dishwasher with all the dirty dishes.

That was my final task of the day, so I turned the lights out and locked the door again.

I walked around the corner and opened the door by the driver's seat. I handed her the latte. I took mine as well and handed her the bag with all the pastries.

"Thank you so much. You must tell me how much I owe you so I can pay you back."

"Never mind that," I said. "It's a waste to throw them away."

"You're an angel, truly," she said. "So sweet. I'll give them to my family tonight."

"Are you certain we shouldn't take my car?" I asked, ignoring her compliments.

"Absolutely! You've done too much already. At least this way I'm the one paying for gas. I'll have my brother drive you back to your car."

"That won't be necessary," I said, feeling awkward that she was offering her brother to me.

"Oh, okay," she said, which made me wonder if I said something wrong.

"You don't mind a stranger driving your car?" I asked carefully.

"My momma did warn me for strangers who'd offer me latte's and pastries and drive me to the hospital," she joked. "No, it's alright. Unlike my big brother, I don't care who drives my car."

I brought the chair a few inches back and adjusted the mirrors.

"What do you think they'll do with my ankle?"

The car barely roared when I started the engine and carefully drove out of the space where Alice had parked the car.

"I suppose they'll first look and feel to see how bad the pain is. If the doctor suspects a fracture, they'll need to make X-rays."

"And if there is a fracture? What then?"

"A cast up to the knee, for a week or two to heal the fracture. You'll need blood thinners, to prevent blood clotting due to the large cast around the calf and foot. Then you'll get a smaller cast on which you're allowed to walk for a few more weeks until it's stable enough to walk on it without the cast."

Alice was staring at me when I turned to look at her as we reached a red light.

"What?"

"You talk like a doctor. Are you going to med school?"

"Oh...uhm, no."

"But you want to," she stated.

I gave her a sideways glance.

"What makes you say that?"

"Your eyes. It's the same look I had in mine when my dream was shattered to pieces."

The car grew awfully quiet after that.

"How's the pain?" I muttered.

"Present," she said quietly.

The hospital was only a ten-minute ride and I tried to get there as fast as I could. I was glad for the radio playing songs.

"Should I park your car at the emergence entrance?"

"Yes, please. I won't need to hop so much..."

"If you like to hop... but I can get you a wheelchair to make your life a little easier."

"Oh, yes please! I didn't realize you could get those here."

"Of course, I'll go get one for you now."

I handed her the car keys, hurried to the entrance and found the long row of wheelchairs. I pulled one out and went outside, on the parking space. Alice had already opened the door. She stepped out on her own when I reached her.

"Let me help you get in the chair," I said, lending her my shoulder until she sat safe and sound.

"I feel so small. I hate being injured."

I pushed the wheelchair, heading toward the entrance.

"It's healing now, that's what you must think about."

"What?"

"When you've been injured, the healing process starts. Give it time to heal. And it will. Everything heals with time."

"It's hard to think the way that you do. I can already hear them say, 'w _hat were you thinking, walking in those high heels, in such a dress, in December, for no good reason?!_ '."

That was a valid question.

"Your parents?" I wondered.

"That too, but also my brother. He's always so bossy."

It was very crowded in the waiting room and Alice pointed at the lady behind the desk with a large computer screen before her.

"I think we need to go that way," she said.

When we got there, the lady smiled kindly at both of us.

"You're the patient, I presume?" she asked Alice as she noticed her in the wheelchair.

"Yeah, I sprained or broke my ankle or foot, I don't know. All I know is that it hurts."

"If you could fill in this form, please, and give it back when it's completed."

We went to a free chair, in which I sat. Alice's wheelchair was next to the chair and she stared at the form in disgust.

"It's like high school all over again."

"It can't be that bad," I said.

She handed me the list and I looked it over.

I helped her fill in the form. I learned that her last name was Brandon, that she was born on the 6th April 1993 and lived in a different part of Forks, where I'd never been before.

"Did you make the braids yourself?" she asked.

"What?"

"Your French braids."

"Yes."

"I like them. They're a little messy now, but it adds something extra. It shows you worked hard today. And they look like a crown on the sides of your head. And your hair is so long."

"Oh, thank you," I said, placing my hand on my head and touching my braids. "I like your pixie cut. I would go for that look if I could rock it the way that you can."

"You really like it? It's not boyish? Some people think I'm gay because of this haircut."

"Well, some people are stereotypical. It's classy and beautiful."

She smiled as she ran her fingers through her hair.

An hour passed easily and it was nearing dinner time. I was starving. Alice was a big talker, but she asked a lot too. She asked about my birth town, my age, my parents, my relationship status, my work, my wishes. Some questions I could answer easily. Others I answered vaguely.

"I'm hungry. I can buy us a meal and be back really quick," I offered.

"Oh, thanks, but no, I'm not hungry. Besides, what if they do call me in and you're not back by then?"

"I'll just wait here until you're finished. Or I can get some pastries from the car."

"Shoot! I'm so sorry! You totally deserve to go home. I'm sorry. Let me call my brother, maybe he'll pick up his stupid phone this time."

"I'll just take the bus back to the cafe. It's not trouble."

"You sure?" she asked with her lower lip between her teeth, obviously feeling guilty for keeping me here so long.

"Yes. I hope they'll give you good news."

So, this was goodbye then.

"Are you certain that you'll get home safely?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm certain that my brother is here. I'll try calling him one more time or I'll ask one of the doctors. Don't worry about me. Please go home. I won't accept a no."

She pushed me so that I got off the chair.

"Alright, best of luck," I said.

"Wait! Give me your number. I'll let you know what's the verdict."

My lips parted for a second, but I nodded and told her my number when she had her phone in her hand. She wanted to stay in touch with me. I tried not to show my annoyance.

I waved her goodbye and slowly made my way to the cafeteria. I needed Wi-Fi to check what time the bus would come. Also, I so desperately wanted to hear something from Jake. The direct hit of missing him caught me off guard. What was so wrong with missing him? Why wasn't I allowed to speak to the one I loved?

The first thing I did when I had Wi-Fi in the cafeteria was not to look for the time of the bus. Instead I found Jake on Facebook again and I pressed the button to write him a private message.

 _Hi, Jake. How've you been?_

Delete.

 _Hey, Jacob! What's up?_

No, delete.

 _Jake, I was wondering how you are. I hope you're doing well._

Delete.

 _Jake, I love you. I still do. I always have loved you. I hate that we broke up. I hate that we can't be together and I hate I don't have the guts to truly send you this message, because I'm a coward who's afraid of another rejection._

...delete.

I was so, so tired of feeling this way. I wanted it to go away. I wanted Jake to love me back. Or I wanted that I could stop loving him. I needed one of those things. I couldn't live in between. I had lived like this for too long.

With a deep sigh, I looked up what time my bus would leave. I knew for a fact that the bus station was just on the opposite of the hospital, so that was ideal. The next one would come in twenty-five minutes, at half past seven. I was hungry. I couldn't bear to think that I still needed to wait nearly an hour until I was home. I thought of the pastries I left in Alice's car for her to keep. If I'd known then that I'd be so hungry now, I'd have taken one for myself.

My head was starting to pound again, just like this morning only now it was worse. I thought for a second how that could be but could only blame it on the lack of sleep and lack of drinking enough water. Today had been a busy day.

The cafeteria smelled amazing and I decided to eat something before I headed to the bus stop. I made a direct start to the end of the que with a tunnel vision until my view was blocked by a man. I looked up and recognized him as Mr. Grey himself, in his white coat.

I'd forgotten that he worked here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

He watched me with a surprised scowl.

"Hi," he said.

No. I wasn't going to do this now.

"You don't have to do that thing," I said with a firm shake of the head.

"What thing?" he asked with a steer of the head.

"The _thing_ where you speak to me, because you think you must."

"You think I'm doing the _thing_?"

"Obviously, you're doing the thing," I said with a quick wave of the hand to hopefully indicate that this conversation was over.

"Bye," I added as I turned on my heels, ready to walk away on a safe amount of distance.

"I really do feel that you must know that I wasn't doing the thing," he said to my back.

I contemplated to comment on that. Truthfully, it felt like he was doing that thing, and if he wasn't, it certainly felt like I was doing the thing if I commented. So instead, I took a step forward, until his voice stopped me once more.

"Can I maybe buy you anything?"

"Technically, I believe you could, but I don't want you to," I said without turning.

He burst out in laughter. I wasn't sure what was so funny, but it felt an awful lot like he thought of me like a big joke.

I felt a grimace form on my lips at the thought.

"Please, let me get you something. Or else this would be the second time I chased you away from here."

Second time. Yes, he did chase me away from here yesterday and now was the second time. What did that matter to him anyway? He hated me.

"There's nothing wrong with that as I'm trying to get away from you anyway."

That's when I started making hurried steps with my eyes on the exit of the hospital.

"Who is Jacob?" he asked suddenly.

My entire body froze and I felt my eyes go very wide. I felt fear and excitement, both at the same time. Everything inside me reacted to that single question.

"Why do you ask?" I stuttered nervously.

"Because I tried to call you. And a guy named Jacob answered the phone. When I asked if he knows Lauren, indeed he does."

I turned around slowly. I noticed his victorious eyes and realized that's all Mr. Grey wanted, to get my attention. He certainly did. I couldn't walk away now. It was fine by me. I had to know what else they said to each other. It was my addiction.

I took a few steps in his direction, deliberately slow.

He remained dead silent and I felt even more like a game that he liked to play.

"Did he say something else?" I asked at last.

"Yes."

 _Seriously? He was so mean!_

He didn't even care to elaborate it. He only answered my question with a yes. I looked up, probably with fury in my eyes. He looked cocky and he clearly knew what he was doing.

"What did you two talk about?" I forced out.

"I asked him if Lauren is his girlfriend and he said no."

A breath that I'd been holding went out fast and I instantly relaxed. No? Did that mean he broke off with her?

"He said no?" I repeated with a slow voice.

His lips went up a little but it wasn't really a smile. I couldn't really read him though and I didn't care about his reactions. I needed a confirmation.

"He really said no?" I asked.

"Yes and then he said that Lauren is his wife."

His mouth continued moving, but I no longer heard another sound. All I could think about was how Jacob asked Lauren to marry him; how Lauren accepted the proposal; how they got engaged; how they had a wedding day; how they went to a beautiful place for their wedding night.

Marriage was for real. It was something much more permanent than a relationship. Marriage meant that they were in it for real.

Mr. Grey was staring at me in slight disdain, but I didn't care. I needed to know if I'd heard him right.

"Jacob is... _married_?"

His eyes shifted, obviously confused by my question.

Either way, he answered, "Yes."

Yes. Curt and quick, just like the day Jacob broke my heart.

"He's married to Lauren," he added.

"Oh. Okay," I muttered.

I lost him for good. He was never coming back to me.

I was lost.

Somebody held my chin and brought my head up. It was Mr. Grey, his worried green eyes staring at me with a gentleness I didn't know he possessed. And worry? Why would he worry?

"You remind me of a malfunctioning machine," he said. "You're not responding to half of the things I tell you."

"Oh."

Possibly he was offending me on purpose but I was far too gone to care what he thought of me. Jake dominated my mind right now. Jake and his marriage to Lauren.

I tried to free my chin. My whole body felt weak and he only held me tighter.

A small smile came on the lips of Mr. Grey. His eyes shone with a light that said he understood everything.

"What?" I asked in a hoarse voice at his annoying victorious look.

"You're not Lauren."

I shut my eyes and this time managed to free my chin while I turned my head to the side.

"You're not her," he said, as if I hadn't understood him the first time. "And you love Jacob. Despite that he's already married to somebody else."

Of course, that was his first thought. It was a logical assumption after all.

"That's not true," I said even if my comment made no sense. He was telling the truth.

"Are you Lauren?" he asked.

"None of your business."

"You're interesting," he said. "Can't lie to save your own life."

I was what? I couldn't do what?

Did I hear him correctly?

"I have a feeling that you wish you were Lauren."

This was the Mr. Grey I remembered, the one who mocked and didn't care. Suddenly I was angry. No, I was enraged. I felt a fury unknown to me, but I felt it toward Mr. Grey.

I remembered his three ladies whom he'd met in just half an hour of time.

"Jake and I used to be a couple. That's true. And I do... still... love him. But which of the two is worse? Loving somebody who cheated on you and hasn't been yours for over a year or being engaged with three different people in just one morning?"

And he knew exactly what I meant. He must. Unless he's stupid.

"Anything is better than loving a cheater for over a year," he said quickly with no doubts. "But if you believe loving a cheater is alright, I sincerely wonder where your self-respect is."

I took a step back. I didn't like being put down like that. He didn't know anything about me or Jacob.

"And the fact that it's been over a year, explains to me it's all a lot more to do with self-pity than actual love."

That step I'd taken away from him, I now took back, because despite of what he was saying and if he was right, I needed him to know one thing. And I would tell him this with self-respect and without self-pity.

"There really is _no_ need for you to make me feel small," I said in a broken tone. "I've already been brought down on my knees too many times. Now, if you'll excuse me, but I can't stay because I don't want to be around you. _Please_ leave me be."

I turned and walked through the swing door, straight to the bus stop. The way I said please to him caused hurtful and angry tears to roll down my eyes. It came out like an actual plea and it made me sound pathetic.

Today was an unfortunate coincidence that I met him again. But I would never speak to him again no matter what. I wanted to be strong, because I hated being weak.

It was freezing outside, but it was better than being near that man.

The bus stop was empty and I sat on the seat, my back to the hospital. I had my hands deep in my pockets, but still they were freezing. I hadn't anticipated this cold. I started missing my gloves, scarf and hat that were at home.

This was all the fault of that guy! If he didn't manage to boil my blood the way he did, I would've stayed in the warm hospital for a bit longer.

It was agonizing to watch the minutes pass. My hands were completely frozen and my body was shivering from cold.

I focused on a warm island. I imagined the hot sun warming my skin, tanning it and comforting me.

In reality, cold air crept underneath my clothes and turned my skin painful. My feet were the worst because Alice had taken my socks.

It was only a few more minutes until the bus arrived. It felt like ten more hours.

I could be patient. After being rejected for medical school twice, I had learned how to be patient.

I started making a planning for once I got home. First, I'd make dinner and watch a few lectures of Biology online. If after that I still had the energy, I'd practice Chemistry some as well. It was my day off tomorrow, but I wasn't going to sleep in. I never did. My alarm clock was set for five o'clock.

"Hey, Rapunzel."

I turned my head to the right. It was him again, wearing a black jacket now. He held one single bag with both his hands in front of him. I snapped my head away from him and sniffed once, unfortunately very loudly. I hoped my eyes weren't red from the crying.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked

He stepped toward me and sat on the free seat on my left. I kept my eyes in front of me and inched away from him. He reached into the bag and handed me a cup with a substance unknown to me because there was a lid on top of it.

"It's just tea."

My eyes were on the cup in his hand, holding it out for me take it. I rolled my eyes and left his hand hanging, while keeping mine safely in my pockets.

"Have I given you that much of an impression that I'm an asshole?"

Snapping my lips shut, I looked away. The bus was nowhere near sight.

"I'll take that as a yes."

I shivered hard as the wind flew past us unexpectedly.

"Look, I was wondering about before, when you said which of the two is worse. Loving a cheater or something about three different people in one morning? What did you mean by that?"

I turned a glare to him.

"Again, so much hostility," he said with slightly bigger eyes. "Can't we just talk? I want to understand what you meant."

I took a deep breath in and out. I wanted to stay calm. Before I could think of my previous remark of never speaking to him again, words flew out of my mouth.

"I waited for you! It's rude to let your patients wait for you while you're having random sex with random people at random moments."

He seemed genuinely confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about, oh, I don't mind about protection! We'll go check together for STD's. And before her, in the hospital café who was trying to measure your...you...in front of a crowd. And then the first one in the parking lot right after you stepped out of your car in an obvious hurry. It was like a really, really bad Hallmark scene."

Realizing how it sounded, I leaned forward a little and quickly continued.

"I wasn't stalking you or anything. I parked my car and you parked next to me. And I was in the café before you were even there. And on the fourteenth floor-"

"I'm not accusing you of stalking," he said in interruption. "Only of misinterpretation."

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and he looked me straight in the eye.

"That first girl came out of nowhere and her kiss took me off guard. I pushed her away gently, but I've grown used to such girls. Just accept their number, but don't give them your number. Or else they'll keep calling and texting _you_."

I couldn't help but think of his explanation as agreeable. He was handsome and he must have girls come to him often. If he found a way to get rid of them quickly, then good for him.

"The second one was harassing me. Though, I must ask, were you really about to hit her?"

I gave him a foul look. He was obviously testing me. He was obviously wondering what was wrong with me.

"You're deliberately mocking me," I said quietly. "Playing games with me. And you wonder if you've given me that much of an impression that you're an asshole? Yes. Yes, you have!"

That should've put him in his place.

I suspected shock on his face, not a smile that resembled victory. That just angered me more.

What was wrong with him?

"Yes, congratulations. You've figured it out. I'm messed up."

"Aren't we all a little messed up?"

I gave him a side glanced look and shook my head in frustration. I glanced into a dark, empty road. Still no sign of my bus. Hurry up already!

"That third one," he said. "I'm not sure how much you heard, but I was creating an impossible situation. One where I was married. One where I had children. One where I didn't live in America. One where I didn't bring protection. One where I only had five minutes to-"

"Yeah, I heard," I quickly said. "I'm not interested in your sex life."

"I didn't do anything with her."

"Alright. Sorry. Fine."

"You're still angry with me."

"I'm not." I was.

"What did you mean when you said you waited for me?"

"In the waiting room," I replied curtly.

He stood up abruptly. I looked up at his sudden change in behaviour.

"Are you one of my patients?" he asked with shock.

"No. I _was_. I'm not so very much interested in a psychiatrist anymore."

And especially not him.

"Alright, just hear me out. I can explain why I was late, but it's very privacy sensitive information. Can you please keep what I'm about to say for yourself to keep?"

I nodded a little.

"The third girl outside the bathroom started kissing me and when she didn't stop, I stopped her myself. Then she exclaimed that she was going to kill herself. I couldn't leave her then. That's why I was delayed. I had to take care for her. You get that right?"

I nodded.

"That explains why you were late. Not why you harassed me."

"I wasn't harassing..." he muttered, trailing off with a sigh. He came to sit beside me again. "You were on the fourteenth floor. I'd witnessed a girl's suicidal tendencies. With that fresh on my mind, it's difficult to think clearly. And you seemed angry with me for no apparent reason. There are dozens of disorders linked to such mood shifts."

"That's your excuse?"

"Tell me why you were so angry with me? Because a random girl kissed me, or a second touched me? Or a third one wanted to have sex with me? Could it possibly be that you were jealous?"

"Jealous? Of who? Those sluts that throw themselves at you?"

"Of me," he said calmly.

"You're delusional," I said instead. "Besides, you certainly don't seem to mind it, now do you? You just let them come to you, when in truth you're the one who's way bigger and stronger. You accept it, because you let them continue."

"It's not like that."

"I saw that girl kiss you," I said, feeling like I was winning this argument. "And the second one who was groping you. Alright, maybe there's a momentary shock. But how long does that last? How long, before any real resisting person pushes the other one away?"

"Don't know," he said slowly.

"Come on, aren't you a psychiatrist? Maybe one second. Or two. Right?"

"Wouldn't know."

As frustrated as I was, I leaped forward.

My lips touched his.

It wasn't meant to last for long. I only started this kiss to prove to him that you usually got over your shock in a few seconds. That's when you pushed somebody away.

I was expecting him to push me away like he did with the others.

Mr. Grey wasn't doing any pushing at all when we passed well over a few seconds. Instead, both his hands held my face, covered my ears and held me steady. I shivered, because for some strange reason, his hands were hot and they felt like fire against my frozen ears. His lips moved softly against mine, but mine were too frozen to do anything at all.

I felt a tingling near my ears where his fingers started making small circles around them. That was also the moment I felt his tongue, slowly entering my mouth, yet instantly waking me up.

I snapped out of the trance I'd been and pulled back abruptly. Mr. Grey held my head tightly while he looked at me an unknown look in his eyes.

"Quite a few seconds," he said. "And you didn't even bother with a friendly retreat. My feelings are wounded, Rapunzel."

I may have parted from his lips, my mind was still a terrible, terrible mess.

" _What_? Why didn't you push me away like those others?"

My voice was laced in despair.

"You're nothing like those others," he said.

The bus wasn't in sight, so I would walk back to the hospital and wait half an hour for the next.

Either that, or he would hear how my heart was pounding incredibly hard.

"I suppose the bus has a delay or something, but I'm just going to wait for a little while in the hospital," I said monotonously.

"The bus doesn't have a delay," he said, still seated calmly. "It drove past us."

I missed my bus because he and I were kissing?

"Do you need a ride?" he asked.

A ride? What kind of a ride?

 _His car of course._

What the hell did that kiss do to me?

"Oh, no. No. No."

I glanced back. I wasn't even sure what I was looking at. Anything but him.

"No. Later," I muttered, blinking twice real fast.

"Shit, wait. _Fuck_. Look at me."

I flinched both times he cursed. That was another thing with me. I didn't do well with cursing. My body reacted to it in horrible ways. He appeared before me and his eyes softened when they met mine.

He managed to get a thrill out of me that no other man, not even Jake, had awakened inside me. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I was afraid of my own feelings. They felt like a force field.

"Please don't believe the lies you're telling yourself. I'm not playing games with you. I also felt it."

"Felt what?" I said too quickly.

He stepped forward and I jumped back. He watched me in trouble but then slowly brought his arms forward until his hands took mine.

"What are you doing?" I asked quickly.

"Giving you a ride home."

"You really needn't-"

"It's my fault you missed your bus. Let me make it up to you, please."

"I don't even know who you are."

"Look at me."

I did, and I was petrified of him and whatever it was that he was doing to me.

"I have to tell you something," he said. "About yesterday. I parked my car and I looked to my left. I saw a beautiful lady, sitting in her car with a big smile on her face. I looked away for just a second and when I looked back, you were gone. You're right, I was in a rush, but only because I was trying to find you. And I did. In the cafeteria. If there's anyone who was doing the stalking, it was me."

When I tried to pull back, he pulled me toward him harder so that my chest pressed against his.

"Do you always leave when someone shows you his interest?"

It was starting to become a pulling competition where I pulled once and he pulled me back.

"No. No. No."

It wasn't true.

"No?" he said with raised eyebrows.

"You hate me," I said.

" _Never_ ," he said, taking one step closer.

His body was too close to mine and I couldn't even form a proper sentence.

"Liar," I muttered.

"Why would I fucking lie to you?"

He watched me with a hard scowl.

"Why do you flinch each time I curse?" he asked strangely with a scoff.

Indeed, I had when he said that word again.

"It's nothing," I muttered.

"You sure?"

"It's none of your business."

"Is it Jacob?" he asked. "Did he abuse you? Did he call you sweetheart, followed by a fist?"

"What? No! He never hurt me!"

He laughed which caused me to shrink away from him.

"Keep telling yourself the lies you want to believe. I believe he hurt you a fuck load when he cheated on you and each day you kept loving a scumbag who was fucking another girl behind your back."

I sank through my knees and his tight grip on my shoulders quickly went to my waist.

"Hey," he said in confusion, but his hold on me was strangely comfortable. "Are you okay?"

My own hands went on top of his lower arms to steady myself.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly with some regret in his voice. "Come with me."

"What?" I asked worriedly, pressing my back into the wall behind me.

"I'll drive you straight home, alright?"

My voice was lost when he pulled me with him, one of his arms around my waist. I followed him until I noticed his car. He opened the door for me and I tried to get in without thinking too much about the gentlemanly gesture.

"You needn't do this," I said in a sigh.

"I do," he said from close behind me.

After another sigh, I went in and he shut the door. The car held some warmth, which made me wonder if he'd driven it recently and if so, why he was in the hospital. But what did I care about him?

He stepped in and started the car.

I looked outside and watched the hospital disappear from sight.

"Where do you live?"

"I actually need to go to the city centre."

"Okay. I've forgotten about your name."

"I never gave you my name."

"That's very true. But I read it yesterday before I called you in the waiting room and you weren't there."

"Not my fault."

"I wasn't accusing you."

"Why are we talking?" I asked in frustration.

" _Anyway_ , I saw your name in my computer but I can't remember it."

"Then look it up."

"Very well."

He dropped that subject and started with a smartly played interrogation.

"You look like you're in your early twenties."

"Uhu."

"Twenty-two, three?"

"Twenty."

"A sharp mind such as your own must surely go to college."

"Nope."

I noticed his scowl and I sighed. I was being a rude after all.

"If you must know, I work in a café."

"Which one?" he asked.

"Newton's."

"What were you doing at the hospital this evening?"

"I offered a customer to give her a ride because she fell and couldn't drive."

"That's kind of you."

I tried to bring the conversation away from me, and instead more to him.

"Anyway, do you always work so late at the hospital?"

"No, my sister sent me a text. She got in an accident and told me she needed a ride home. Since I live close by the hospital I told her I'd come."

"Shouldn't you be with her then?" I asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, I saw her but there have been three major accidents tonight and all the doctors need to prioritize. That's just bad luck for patients who only had a minor accident like my sister. I went to buy her something to eat, because... Well, anyway, that's where I found you."

I found it odd how he trailed off, as if he needed a reason to buy something to eat. When you're hungry, you eat. It's not rocket science. I thought of Alice, being in that hospital as well. I thought of her eating disorder. I couldn't imagine what it was like for someone to think about food all the time. It was probably time consuming.

This did explain why he was in the restaurant-café.

"Shouldn't you have gone back to your sister?"

"After you walked away, I called her and asked if it's okay if I come back a little later to take care of some things. She knows she can call me anytime she wants."

"Oh, okay. So, shouldn't you take care of those things you told her about?"

We were almost near the café so I told him to go right and park the car before he missed the turn.

"I am," he said, turning the key in the ignition and stepping out of the car.

I blinked a few times as it clicked.

He meant me.

"Why?" I muttered once I got out of the car. "Why did you come to the bus stop?"

"Because I was being an asshole, but it hasn't got anything to do with you. It's...I didn't want you to leave, believing that's who I really was."

"Alright. Thanks for the ride."

"Also, I wanted you to know that I didn't mean to make you feel small. I'm very sorry."

"O-Okay... Thanks, I guess."

This night kept getting weirder and weirder.

"And I apologize for the way I provoked you. That was unprofessional. It won't ever happen again."

I nodded.

"Can I ask a personal question, Rapunzel?"

I sighed deeply and gave him a look for calling me Rapunzel, _yet again_. I wasn't even blonde.

"Fine."

I brought my eyes to him and waited.

"What would he have talked about yesterday, if the appointment had gone through?"

I wasn't even sure what would have flown out of my mouth if I'd talked to him for an hour. I looked at him without saying a thing. What was I supposed to say anyway?

"Can I ask another one?" he continued.

I shrugged. Why wasn't I walking away?

"How did your mom and dad die?"

I couldn't bare to look at him for long after that question.

"What happens when someone calls you sweetheart?"

My mom, that's what happened. It reminded me of my mom in the worst ways. I blinked a few times too quick, hoping he didn't see the tears in my eyes.

"Can I ask one more?"

 _He's mentally torturing me._

Is this what psychiatrist did with their patients? I was so glad yesterday morning the appointment didn't happen.

"Why do you flinch when someone curses?"

My throat felt like it was blocked by a heavy object. With those questions answered, my entire past would be uncovered. He was a very good psychiatrist. It hadn't taken him much time to figure out what to ask me. I was glad I owed him no answers.

"Why do you get to ask all the questions about me?" I asked quickly. "What about you?"

"Me?" he asked, taking a few steps forward in my direction. "Do you want to know about me? Didn't realize you were interested."

"I'm not," I said curtly.

He grinned but it wasn't in a condescending way. He seemed happy, which was odd. I thought he simply liked to make fun of me.

"I'm twenty-five. I work at the hospital as you already know. And when you kissed me, I didn't want for it to end."

"I gotta go now," I mumbled. "Thanks for the..."

I waved at the car and stopped talking, because one more word and my voice would break.

While my back was to him as I was walking to my car, he called one more thing to which I stopped walking.

"Can I have your number?"

That gave me a strong sense of déjà vu.

I turned, but only my head and scoffed at the question.

"I'll regret it if I didn't at least try," he said with a shrug.

"Well, you tried," I said. "Bye!"

I was certain that I'd seen him by silly accident two days in a row. Anyway, what could possibly be the odds that I'd see him again tomorrow?


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N:**_ Hi my dear readers! Hope you enjoy the story thus far. Sorry for not replying to any reviews, I always read all of them, feel my heart melt, and by the time I want to reply, something else came up. Thanks for the love!

Enjoy.

* * *

 _ **Chapter 4**_

It was only when it was almost midnight that I received a text from a number that I didn't have in my list of contact. I already knew who it was from and my heart did some strange things at the detailed, lengthy text.

 _11:54  
Hi my knight in shining armour! I'm exhausted. First a doctor called me to his room to check my foot and ankle. I nearly kicked him in the face from reaction to the pain! Then he made a call, where I heard him say that he needs pictures because he suspects a fracture. Then I wait for hours until the radiologist comes to make pictures. Half an hour later, the doctor walks in, only to say that they accidentally made pictures of my ankle instead of my foot. Since the pain's in my foot, I needed new pictures. My ankle was clear of any breaks, btw. A gazillion minutes later, the radiologist walks in again and makes the correct pictures. And at last, after waiting for another decade, the doctor walks in with the horrible news that I have a fracture in my smallest metatarsal bone, do I spell that correctly? I'll need a cast up to my knee for at least a week.. This thing weighs a freaking ton, Bella. And the cherry on top of the pie is that I must give myself an injection with an actual needle every day until this cast is off to prevent blood clots. That's where you come in, my doctor new friend. I need you to give me those shots. I CAN'T HANDLE THE SIGHT OF BLOOD. Will you help me? :)_

Her message, even though so very long, brought a strange smile on my face. Her evening sounded more horrible than mine as I had to deal with Mr Grey. First I added her number into my list of contacts, then I typed her back a reply.

 _11:59  
Hee Alice. I wouldn't mind to help you. It depends on when and where, but if you live close by, I could visit. Did you get home safely?_

 _00:06  
I wouldn't want you to do all the hard work! I can come by your place, if that's okay with you. Or I can visit you at your workplace. And yes, my brother's driving me home right now._

 _00:09  
Of course, just let me know when you need to come by. I'm free from work the following two days._

Tonight I decided not to study, but watch a movie instead. I deserved a break.

I didn't watch movies very often, and some people would find my taste in movies a bit odd. I decided I was in the mood for Black Snake Moan and remembered my dad. This movie was one of his favourites as well.

In exactly three weeks, it would be Christmas Eve. The day he died.

* * *

"Hey. Oh, you look so sad with those crutches."

"I hate them. My muscles ache all over my body."

She wore a right read coat with a black hat and gloves. The cast was huge indeed.

"How did you get here?" I wondered.

"I took a cab."

She stepped forward with the crutches slowly and I shut the door behind her.

"I haven't eaten yet and I cooked tons of food. Sit down and I'll grab us both a plate."

"Oh, no, I just ate, thank you."

This morning, I texted Alice my address so she could come by whenever she could. She told me that her first and only injection had been at the hospital in the evening, so her second one should probably be in the evening again. However, when I asked her to come have dinner with me, she declined. I knew she would, but that didn't mean I wouldn't try.

Mentally ill or not, I made food enough for both of us and I hoped she'd have a few bites.

"I couldn't stand to eat while your hands are empty. Please, I insist you try my cooking."

"But..."

"Full stomach or not, one bite can never hurt. You can't deny, can you?"

Especially since she didn't even know what a full stomach felt like. Yes, I was being pushy, but I didn't have anything to lose. Alice was still a stranger, but she was also innocent with now a foot injury. Her bone broke from a simple twist of the ankle. How could that have happened? Unless her bones were very brittle. If I could make a guess, I'd say anorexia had something to do with that as well.

"And if you hate the food, just let it sit on the plate. I can eat the rest some other day."

I'd experimented on a vegetable and beef noodle soup. It tasted nice, but the colour was gruesome. It was a very dark brown. The smell did make a lot up for it.

"The sight's not so nice," I said with a disgusted face. "I definitely lose points on that, don't I?"

Alice stared at the soup with blank eyes.

"It tasted alright when I tried it during cooking it. I made it with some teriyaki sauce and oyster sauce. And soy sauce."

As a bowl stood before both of us, I was the only one eating. Alice stirred hers a few times, sniffed at it, but never took a bite or a sip.

"Do you miss school or work because of your broken foot?" I asked between sips and bites.

"Oh no, I don't... I mean, I go to college, but I hate all my classes. So, I'm not really missing anything."

"Why not switch classes to ones you like better?" I asked simply.

She shrugged, muttering, "I already feel it has no use. That I've fallen behind too much."

"It's never too late to catch up. I study here almost every day. I study before work, after work, on my days off. My social life is nearly non-existent, but it's effective when you need to get work done."

"I get that," she said, glancing around my small apartment. "The atmosphere here is amazing. I could study here for hours."

"True, it's small, but the light is good with the big windows. And it's very quiet here and the view's not so bad."

"You're so lucky to have this place," she said with a smile. "I'm jealous."

I scoffed, because this was just a small apartment. She was wearing brand clothes and somebody who could afford taxi's, her own Kia and who knew what else had some money behind their pockets. Why be jealous of a small, for her easily affordable apartment?

"Do you live on campus or at home?" I asked her.

"Home," she said. "With my parents."

Her voice changed a lot. It sounded depressed. I took a deep sigh and decided I wasn't ready for that conversation.

"You want to change classes, right?" I asked.

She nodded slowly.

"Do you know what strikes your interest most?"

"I love the arts," she said, a twinkle shining in her eyes. "All kinds, like musicals, fashion and paintings. I know it's not much of a career-"

"It is," I insisted with quick nods. "If that makes you happy, it definitely is very much of a career."

"My family doesn't agree," she said with a shake of her head. "They especially don't like the fashion world so much."

"What's wrong with it?"

"They say it made me... That it made me... Sick."

I looked at the table between us, quietly pondering what to say next. I looked up at her carefully, only to find her eyes cast to the left.

"And did it?" I asked her.

"No. I don't know. I'm not sure... Maybe a little."

"But now, you're unhappy. You picked college over fashion, somebody else over yourself. Isn't that also unhealthy? So if choosing someone else's happiness over yours makes you unhealthy, why continue doing that?"

"It's complicated."

"It's not. For example, you could take courses in management and economics, so maybe you can become a manager someday of a fashion business. I'm sure you have broader imagination than I do-"

I stopped talking because of her hard scowl which made me insecure.

"Anyway," I muttered. "Sorry...I just think anyone should aspire to become happy. Like Beyoncé said in her song."

She nodded, but then scoffed.

"Pretty hurts," she said, naming the title of that song.

I nodded. "It sure does, doesn't it?"

"Oh, Bella," she cried out with teary eyes. "I think you... Yes, it is."

She nodded to herself, while I wondered what she was talking about.

"You're like a gift from heaven. You have so much great energy. Can I please use your laptop? I need to do something right now, before I chicken out."

"Sure, let me get it for you."

I unplugged my laptop and placed it on the table before Alice, as she started with dead focus. I gave her as long as she needed, while I finished my soup, then fetched my own homework. I reread my notes and tested myself with my own made flashcards.

Occasionally I looked up to watch Alice, but her eyes remained on the computer. Sometimes she clicked, sometimes she typed and sometimes my curiosity got the best of me and I almost asked her what she was doing.

After nearly half an hour of silence, I'd reread most of my notes. I got up and brought my empty and Alice's full bowl to the kitchen, where I threw the uneaten soup back into the skillet.

"How's everything going?" I asked as I turned my head and tried to peek at the screen of my laptop.

Alice squeaked, turning her head to the kitchen with a broad smile.

"I did it. I signed out of college and I sent an e-mail to the art school. I told them that I'm still interested in their program and asked if they're still willing to take me in."

"Willing to take you in?"

She seemed so vulnerable in that moment as she raised her eyes, stood on her feet and came to stand before me in the kitchen.

"In August, I arranged a very serious dinner with my parents and siblings. I told them about my plans, ideas, exact locations and dates, costs, just to let them know I'd done my research and that it was real. I told them that if I was accepted into art school, how would they feel about that. They all told me the same thing. They said that they wouldn't allow me to go ahead with my plans. They would force me to decline the acceptance. At some point, I stopped hearing them because it hurt too much."

"Alice, I'm so sorry. That's so terrible."

She nodded, sniffing once.

"Here's the thing," she said, as tears already fell.

It broke me to see her like this.

"When I arranged that dinner for my family, I so much hoped that they would give me their approval. It would have been amazing if they told me they would be very happy for me if I got accepted to art school. Because then I could've told them the best news ever. After their approval, I could've told them that I was accepted to the program. In New York. A number one art school. They chose _me._ Me... I never expected that."

Her eyes were filled with sadness. My heart swelled when I heard her amazing news. Momentarily I even forgot her family's disapproval. A dream come true was worth gold. And health wise, it was the best decision to make.

"Neither did I expect them to be so reluctant and against my plans. I was so upset, I couldn't tell them the truth. They already made it clear what they thought of art school. I declined NYU's offer."

My heart broke for Alice. The moment that had been her dream come true was taken away from her by her parents. Nobody deserved that. Your parents should be there for you, no matter what.

"You did that...for your parents and siblings?" I asked her in shock.

She nodded.

"But what if they-"

She shook her head hard. "I know them too well. Even if they knew that I was accepted, they still wouldn't approve. They don't care. I couldn't take one more rejection coming from them. I decided to decline without them even knowing I was accepted for real."

"For whatever it's worth, I do approve. If you have something that calls you, you should do it, no matter the cost."

"Even if it makes your family upset?"

I didn't have a family.

Instead, I said, "I don't think your family is upset at art school in general, maybe just that part where they think that it made you sick."

"That night, it sure felt like they hated everything about art school."

"You got in once," I told her matter-of-factly. "You'll get in again. It's not important what somebody else's opinion is."

Before Alice called a cab, I gave her the injection. That was of course the reason for her visit. I offered to drive her home, but she wouldn't have it.

However, our endless talk about random subjects had brought us closer to each other. At times, I almost told her about Jacob, but I thought it'd be too soon to tell her about my ex. Alice had this way with people that made them talk. At some point, she asked about my parents, but I couldn't tell her the details. I only told her that they both passed away.

As for my own plans, I told her I was still looking around. I was too uncertain to tell her I was in fact trying yet _again_ to get into medical school. But I had a feeling that she knew about my plans, even if I hadn't told them.

When she drew her black, oversized sweater up, I noticed her very flat stomach. I'd given myself these same shots when I'd broken my hand, so I knew you only needed to pinch some belly fat and press the needle straight in.

After I saw her flat belly, I knew how severe her anorexia was. I understood why her parents and brother were so nurturing toward her. I could relate to the dangers that the fashion world something brought. Models who couldn't fit the clothes, were sent straight home.

That frightened me more than ever. What if I steered her into a very dangerous direction? What if my advice lead her to death?

As she hopped on her crutches to the taxi, I felt my heart pound hard against my chest, because I feared for the poor girl's life.

Alice was a ticking time bomb.

That night as I laid down in bed, I thought of Mr. Grey and that, as guilty as it made me feel, I felt sad not to have seen him again. Or to have given him my number. I had a dream about him, one where I was content with him. We both sat on a bench. He told a joke, I believe, and I was leaning against his upper arm, laughing. The first snow appeared and I had this thought that shocked me the most. I thought how for the first time since a long time I would finally feel whole again at Christmas Eve, with Edward Cullen.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Hi everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing :) I have a first aid and CPR exam tomorrow. Super nervous.. Wish me luck!

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

When I woke, it was almost noon. It took me several hours to shake off that dream and the feelings it brought up in me. I took a shower, did a heavy work-out, took another shower, ate too much sugar and ended up on the couch with a painful stomach.

 _Shit._

Alice had sent a text to say she wasn't feeling well to come by, and that she'd find somebody else to give her the shot. Was it strange that I was sad I wouldn't see her today? Perhaps I felt like I needed to finish some unsettled business with her. Like, for example, the one where I might have sent her into death.

I needed to get out of my house, which was starting to make me claustrophobic. But I hadn't done any studying. I always studied, even if it was just for a mere ten minutes. I would practice chemistry for maybe an hour. I could handle an hour.

Before I had really begun, I received a text from Leah.

 _Coming out with us? I know it's Monday, but c'mon, it's live music and fun!_

By us, Leah meant herself, Seth, and Angela and Mike.

I hadn't seen Leah in a long time and she was probably curious if I'd gone to the psychiatrist. I glanced at the text for a long time and gave her a reply I had never ever given her before.

 _Sure. When and where?_

The next text came almost instantly.

 _U kidding me? OMG so excited!_ _Nine at the cocktail bar. Can't wait!_

* * *

"Look, they're cute," Angela whispered, pointing at three boys in the far corner behind me. I turned and glanced at the three guys.

"So why don't you ask their number?" I asked.

"I meant for you! And come on, you barely looked."

I laughed. "Angela, what's the point, really? I'm not interested in boys at the time."

"Nonsense! I mean, look at you."

Automatically, my head went down. After dinner, I had looked through my closet and found absolutely nothing fun. This could have been Alice's fault, as she walked around like a dive in her beautiful outfits.

Therefore, I went for some quick shopping and found a gorgeous dress. It was a red, accentuating my waist. The bottom was wavy and came till my knees. The sleeves stopped at my elbows, but I thought that made the dress charming and more winter approved. The mannequin also wore a black patterned pantyhose, light-brownish boots till the ankles and a similarly coloured scarf.

Since I was a fashion disaster, I chose to buy those items as well. It was not at all original, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

"What about me?" I asked unconsciously.

"You're _beautiful_ , Bella!" Angela said.

Then she suddenly bent forward.

"Cute guy, most likely unavailable though, ten o'clock."

I looked back, over my left shoulder.

"No, my ten o'clock! Just... The other way." She pointed a little, trying to make it look as less obvious as she could.

When I saw whom she meant, I snapped my head back and made myself as small as possible.

 _Shit._

I grabbed a menu card, but it was impossible to hide myself as my back was turned against him. I wanted to excuse myself, but that could make him notice me.

"What... are you doing?" Angela asked with a deep scowl.

"He's the guy I had an appointment with!" I hissed in a whisper.

Angela glanced again.

"Really?" asked Leah. "He's your psychiatrist?"

I nodded way too hard that it hurt my head.

"He's still cute though."

"Oh, you guys! I don't like this! Let's go!"

"No way!" Angela said. "I'm having too much fun seeing you all worked up like this. Just chill."

"Chill? I can't _chill_ when he's here too."

"Why not?" Seth asked. "Do you like him?"

" _What_? No! Of course not!"

"Than what's the problem?" he asked.

I wanted to spill to him everything that Mr. Grey had said and done, but...it was too much. Neither could I give him a short version, because how could I summon everything that had happened between us?

Leah shrugged as our drinks arrived.

There was a point in time which happened so fast that I barely noticed, where Angela took a sip but then it all came flying in my face, to which I jumped up a little in my seat.

The boys burst out in laughter.

"Very funny," I snapped to them. "Angela! This is gross!"

I grabbed a napkin and dabbed my face. Great, I now smelled like wine.

"Bella, we should go," Angela said. " _Now._ "

"Oh no, did he see me?" I asked in panic.

She shook her head, muttering, "I don't think your psychiatrist is your biggest problem right now."

I scowled and glanced at where she was looking with large, distasteful eyes.

At the bar, Jake sat on a high bar stool. My heart did all kinds of strange things and I nearly fell of the chair. He was alone. Possibly, he was alone. Lauren was nowhere in sight. I didn't want him see me staring at him, so I snapped my head back to our table. I couldn't move, not even to escape to the restroom and stay there until Mr. Grey for sure would be gone. Now I could only think of Jake.

I was at conflict to walk up to him or to walk away from him.

"Oh my God, I think he saw you," Angela whispered with enthusiasm.

"Jake?"

"No, your psychiatrist!" she said.

"Who cares about _the shrink_ when Jake is here as well?"

I was getting paranoid and hysterical.

"He's coming over here!" Angela gasped.

"Jake?" I asked, not being able to leave out the hope in my voice.

" _Your shrink_!"

" _What_?"

Why would he come over here?

"What's the matter with you girls?" Seth asked way to comfortably.

He and Mike had been talking to each other, not even noticing our uproar.

Leah cleared her throat. Her eyes went up and I realized that Mr. Grey had reached our table.

I looked up with a forced smile.

"You? Again? Seriously?"

He scowled a little and asked in a high voice, "You? Again? Seriously?"

"Why are you repeating me?" I snapped.

"Because I could ask you the same thing."

"You're the one stalking me!"

"Are you okay?" he asked slowly and sceptically.

He didn't even deny that he was stalking me.

" _Why_ wouldn't I be?" I snapped in return. I might have added a bit of anger over there as well.

Angela was the first to speak directly to him.

"Hi, I'm Angela," she said giving him a hand. "Nice to meet you. Would you like to sit with us?"

"Angela, what are you doing?" I asked quickly.

" _He_ is the professional who can prevent you from doing something _stupid_!"

He of course heard her loud and clear and opened his mouth, but I quickly interrupted him.

"I will do whatever I want, thank you very much."

"Something stupid?" Leah asked with a scoff. "Like what?"

"Like, going to Jacob and talking to him," Angela said, turning her sharp eyes to me.

"So?" I said.

"That wouldn't be stupid," Leah said with a steer of the head.

"Thank you, Leah," I said with gratefulness.

I was angry with Angela now and happy that Leah was backing my choice.

"The seat is all yours, Mr. Cullen," I said in challenge. "Besides, I have someplace else to be."

With my small shoulder bag in my hand, I walked to my former lover. He didn't see me because his back was turned against me. My heart was beating hard and fast. Could it be possible that he was single now?

My feet were quick to take me to his side and before I knew it, I was already tapping him on the shoulder. Gently, as if he was a stranger.

Suddenly, I was scared.

Would I like whatever it was that he had to say to me?

"Hey, you," I said rather uncomfortably when he turned his confused eyes to me.

"What do you want?" he asked, watching me in distaste.

"Just..." I stared at him with waves of shock going through my body.

I looked down at my feet and brand new boots. Angela told me I looked beautiful in this outfit, but I couldn't feel it, not really. I just felt like a girl with a beautiful dress on, but nothing special.

" _Seriously_?" he asked, even though I barely said a thing. "Are you _seriously_ still in your imaginary world where you think that I like you?"

"I'm... not..." I said hurtfully. "Why are you being so mean?"

"Best to go now," he said, his eyes going to the left.

Mine did also and I realized there were the toilets.

 _Oh... His girlfriend. Fiancée. Wife. Whatever._

"She could be here any minute."

"Trust me," I said with narrowed eyes. "I have no desire to see her either."

"But obviously, you still have desires to see me."

I drew out my breath harshly.

"Hit a soft spot?" he asked wickedly.

"You weren't like this before!" I snapped, perhaps too loudly. "We used to be friends, partners... We used to be there for each other. What happened?"

"You were crazy!"

" _What_?"

"Like _this_ exactly! Coming over to me, abusing me-"

"Now you're exaggerating! Who are you and what have you done to Jake?"

He got off his chair and reminded me that he was so largely built.

"I'm exaggerating?" he said, pointing at himself. "Tell me something, sweet _Marie._ When was the last time you had sex?"

I crossed my arms and glared at him as best as I could.

He laughed out loud and that hit a soft spot. The last time I had sex could have been on a very special day that turned into a disaster.

* * *

 _31st December 2015_

The taxi almost arrived at Jake's place. We lived on a one hour distance apart, but that's okay, because we managed perfectly this way.

Tonight, I was going to surprise Jake. He told me he had work this evening, but nobody should be alone on New Year's Eve. Besides, nobody should work on New Year's Eve either.

That's why I called a taxi and counted the minutes on my watch until I finally arrived.

But somewhere deep in my gut, I also knew it. I just didn't want to give in to that feeling.

I counted the last few minutes and glanced at the streets as there were getting more and more familiar.

"You can stop right over there," I told the chauffeur and gave him a fifty. "Keep the change. Thanks for the ride. Happy New Year!"

"You too," he mumbled.

I got out of the taxi and greeted the cold air as it hit my face. I glanced at the lit window on top of the flat. Jake lived on the third floor.

As I arrived, a man just entered the building, so I quickly ran and was in time to step inside. Jake had only one pair of keys and his landlord forbade him from making a spare for a situation like this one. That was, because officially his building didn't allow couples to live together. The apartments were for one person only.

As the elevator brought me up, I smiled broadly. I was about to see my boyfriend again after six long days.

We had celebrated Christmas together, but he told me he had to leave and I couldn't join him, because he needed to finish his work.

I glanced one more time at my watch. Half past eleven. Just another hour and a half more and it would be 2016. I loved New Years. They were so special. And this would be the third one I would celebrate with my boyfriend for the first time.

It wasn't just any New Year. I was ready. Jake had been waiting for me to be ready for a long time, and tonight, I was. I wanted to give him everything I had.

Tonight, we were going all the way for the first time.

In the past, I had been scared. Not really prepared for what it was like, I always thought sleeping with a boy is something scary and weird, but all those fears were gone.

With a still intact broad smile, I pressed my finger against the button and heard the bell ring.

And my heart broke when I heard a voice that didn't belong to Jake's.

"Jacob, get the door, I'm getting dressed!"

"What do you think I'm doing? I'm getting dressed too!"

The girl giggled and it crushed the broken pieces of my heart.

Jake told me he was a virgin too.

Jake told me I would be his first. And he would be my first.

As far as I knew, those were two lies, the very first lies on a list that would soon be an endlessly long list.

I was a fool into thinking he'd wait for me. Instead, he had another girl in this house.

Two drops of tears ran over both my cheeks as the door opened abruptly to show a happy Jake in only a pair of jeans that hung low on his hips. His chest was naked, slightly damp.

Then horror struck his face when he saw me.

The girl appeared in front of me and watched me strangely.

"Honey, who is this?"

 _Honey?_

 _She calls him honey?_

"Lauren, get back inside, please. Now."

The girl looked up strangely at Jake, but she did as she was told.

I kept staring, trying to understand the boy in front of me.

Was this the Jacob Black that had been there for me for years, the one that was supposed to be my soul mate?

I wanted to fall into something soft and cry for hours. Instead, my mouth moved.

"Who is she?"

"Bella, it's not what you think..."

"Don't lie to me!" I said, smacking him on the chest.

I ended up hurting myself. I grabbed my hand with the other one as the pain increased.

"I'm so sorry, Bella..."

His voice was broken. He glanced back, but Lauren had already disappeared.

"Bella... What are you doing here? Why are you here tonight?"

I sniffled. I was angry at him. But mostly, I was sad.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid. Blind, stupid girl._

"Can't your girlfriend come..." I sniffled again, "come by... to be with her boyfriend on New Year's eve? Is that so strange to you?"

I wasn't ready, not yet, for the real break up.

But I knew this was it.

Jake was with another girl. He was barely wearing any clothes. And the girl looked at me as if I was a stranger.

"Bella, I can't even... _explain_..."

"Then why try?" I asked surprisingly calm. "I think it's such a shame you're here with your girl toy, as I was about to... to... you know... I was going to give it to you tonight. I was ready for it. But I guess you no longer need it, since there's a hot girl waiting in that room, who's already given you what you've obviously been waiting for, for so long! I'm just sorry that's probably all you ever wanted out of our relationship."

"No, Bella, that's not true. You know it's not true."

I shook my head as he talked. "It is true! Because if you waited, for just a few more hours, I would have given it to you! And maybe that could have saved our relationship. And maybe not, assuming you haven't just met her. Either way, I'm glad it wasn't you. At least I still have my dignity."

He knew this had to end. This wasn't a relationship. This was a web of lies. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Bella, you _know_ I love you-"

"I don't know anything anymore _except_ ," I gasped, "that there's a girl in your house. I'm sorry I got in the way between your games. I'll let you two be, alright?"

"Bella," he said in his most painful voice I had yet heard from him. He reached out, trying to get a hold of my hand, but I took a few quick steps back.

"Don't," I said. "Don't touch me. I can't..." A few more tears spilled. "I can't believe this! How long, Jake?"

He shook his head.

"Give me that, at least! Please! Be a man and tell your former girlfriend how long you've been cheating behind her stupid ass!"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "No, Bella."

"If you ever loved me, you'll give me this!" I snapped.

He sighed and looked down.

"Five months."

A gasp came out of my mouth. I could barely stand on my feet any longer.

Five months ago, he...and I, were apparently, no longer an item.

How could I have not seen that?

I began walking away.

"Bella, wait!"

"You and I are through."

* * *

That day ruined New Year's Eve for me.

"I don't understand how you were so desperate to keep me in your life the last time we spoke compared to how you are right now."

"I must've come to my senses," he said with a smirk. "I realized you were a waste of my life. Always complaining, crying, failing with getting into medical school. Who needs a person that holds them back in their own life?"

I wasn't failing. He shouldn't call it failing, he really shouldn't. I never liked that choice of word. It made a bad result seem like a bad event. But in all truth, I believed that each thing in life would either get you forward or change your view about something else.

True failure was to stop trying.

"Furthermore, Lauren," he continued, pointing in the direction of the bathroom, "she and I are heading to a place you'll only ever dream off. I was accepted into med school this fall. Did you know? And Lauren is pre-med."

"Congratulations," I said coolly as a feel of jealousy crept up my spine.

"As if you mean that."

"Actually, I do. Contrary to you, I never hated you. I'm not even sure why you hate me so much, but I suppose that's just something I'll never find out. Goodbye, Jacob."

He was no longer Jake. I was finished with him.

He leaned forward, which caused my whole body to freeze when his lips touched my ear and his hands held my head. I shivered at his hot breath against my skin.

"And the sex is something you can only ever imagine off, sweetheart," were his words to which I did something I'd never done before.

I though Mr. Grey had been provoking me, but compared to what Jacob just did, Mr. Grey hadn't done a thing.

My hand lifted but during the wave my fingers bent, my thumb inside them as I balled my hand into a fist. That's how my bitch slap turned more like into a punch that caused his face to snap to the left.

At the same time, I felt an after pain in my hand very near my thumb. I fought the urge to scream at the sudden ache and held my injured right hand quickly with my left.

I never meant to hit him, but I wasn't dumb enough not to know when someone was provoking me on purpose, and for no apparent reason what so ever.

I was being polite and honest, while he made comments such as those.

"You bitch!" he yelled.

 _Oh dear._

 _Never_ in my life had I lost myself like this. I wasn't even sure if it was very safe to lose it with Jacob because he was so much bigger and stronger than I.

"Oh," I muttered, feeling surprised at my own behaviour.

His eyes went up, looking at someone behind me.

 _Lauren,_ I guessed.

I turned around with a sigh, while I said quickly, "He's all yours."

However, it wasn't Lauren, but Mr Grey who had his amused eyes on me.

" _Mine_? I actually very much prefer women."

I was gaping at him, momentarily at a loss of words.

"To be exact _you_ ," he said with all amusement gone by now.

I narrowed my eyes, but then tried to plead with them. I wouldn't say I was scared, but I was intimated by Jacob. I could feel his anger directed to me.

"Time to leave, wouldn't you say?" he said, taking a step forward.

 _Thank you!_

"Yes, please," I said quickly.

"Your place or my place?" he asked with a somewhat horny look in his eyes.

 _Uh...Excuse me?_

"Did I hear that correctly?" Jacob said with an obvious laugh in his voice. "You _prefer_ her?"

"You..." I hissed in newfound anger, turning abruptly, only this time it was my fist I raised, even though my hand was still injured.

Mr Grey put both arms around me and pulled me a few steps away from Jacob.

"He's not worth it," he said so quietly that I was certain only I could hear it.

"Let me go," I said, pushing his hands off of me and taking a step away from him.

"Alright," he said, raising both his hands in innocence.

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" Jacob said, reminding us that he was still present.

I had taken only one step toward him, when Mr Grey came to stand between us.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" I snapped, looking past Mr Grey's back to Jacob. "What will you tell your lawyer? That your ex slapped your face?"

"No. I'll say you assaulted me. I have a handful of witnesses who'll back me up."

When I looked around, I indeed saw that several people had turned their head to look at us. Even the band had stopped playing their song.

"Perhaps," Mr Grey said. "But I would hold that phone call for just a minute. I for instance was a witness. Isabella indeed slapped you. But not before she herself was being sexually assaulted by you."

 _Isabella?_

 _He looked up my name._

"Sexually assaulted?" Jacob barked.

"Did you not kiss her just now?"

"Kiss her?!" he nearly screamed.

"Whatever you were doing, you stood very close to her, seconds before she struck you. And that is what I will tell a judge. Think about that before you call your lawyer."

"I will," he groaned.

"And you will never mock this lady the way you did again. The only bitch in this room is standing right in front of me."

Jacob's face turned hard, but Mr Grey turned, put his arm around my shoulders and walked me back to my table.

As we walked, I heard people cheer and applaud us. My face was frozen.

"No," I muttered, walking away from the table.

Because unfortunately, Leah was wrong and Angela had been right all along. Confronting Jacob did nothing good for me.

To my surprise, he steered with me, his arm still around me until we were out of the bar. Once the cold air hit my face, I shuddered.

"Let go," I said, pushing his arm away from me.

"You're welcome," he said with a roll of his eyes.

My jacket was still in Leah's car, as she was the one who drove us here. I could do without it. If I could only find a bus stop... Then I could go home and perhaps erase the day off my mind.

"How's the hand?"

"What?" I asked.

I was looking around, searching hard. I saw everything except a bus stop. Eventually my eyes landed on him.

"What?" I repeated.

He came forward and grabbed my right wrist. He looked at my hand with a scoff.

"Why are you touching me?"

"You should cool this," he said.

"Why are touch-" I started to say again, but his sharp eyes caught my tongue.

"I asked permission, but you didn't hear me."

I thought back, but couldn't remember him asking me anything.

"You should cool this."

"Yeah, thanks for the info," I said, taking steps in a direction which I hoped would lead me to a bus stop.

He still had a hold on my wrist.

"What now?" I asked.

"Are you always in such a hurry or only when you're with me?"

I shuddered once and gave him an angry look.

"Oh, sorry," he said quickly. "You're cold."

He let my wrist go and took off his jacket. He placed it around my shoulders. Then he bent through his knees, scooped up some snow and stood up again.

"Give me your hand."

I glanced at the snow and even though I didn't want his help, I realized some ice on my painful hand would do me good. I extended my right hand and he pressed the snow on top of my hand.

It was instant relief. I shifted the snow to my thumb.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked.

" _What_?"

"Your ex. Did he hurt you?"

This stranger was starting to know too much about me.

"No," I said in irritation. "You were there. Probably saw the whole thing. He didn't hurt me."

"Tell that to the bruise on your hand."

" _I_ hit _him. I_ hurt _him_."

He hummed as he started pressing, pushing and pulling against my fingers, very much without my consent. When he reached my thumb, I hissed and yanked my hand away from him.

"No," I said when he came forward with his hand again.

"You realize I do have an M.D. degree, right?"

" _I'm fine_."

"Your thumb is either badly bruised or broken," he said dryly.

"See? I'm fine."

"I can bring you to the emergency room."

"Why would you, if I'm fine?"

He smirked and shook his head.

" _Fine_ ," he repeated. "I can wrap it up for you. I have a first-aid kit in my car."

"No, I'm fine."

"It won't take long."

"I'm fine, okay?"

Where could that damned bus stop possibly be?

"Is there someplace you need to be?" he asked.

"N-No, I mean, well..."

"Good," he said, taking my left hand and pulling me with him.

This wasn't part of my plan.

We reached his car in less than a minute and for that I was grateful.

He indeed had such a kit. He pulled out a cotton wool roll and started wrapping it around my hand. He pushed the sleeve of his jacket on my arm down, so that he could bring the roll lower until he reached the middle of my lower arm.

Then he took another roll, only this one was much thinner. Also, it provided a lot more pressure. My thumb was immobilized and that was probably for the best.

He finished the bandage with adhesive tape and put the kit back in his car.

"Next time, don't place your thumb inside your fist."

I looked up at him briefly, then stared ahead of me. I no longer wondered about the bus stop, or Jacob, or the man beside me, who might as well have been my saviour of the night.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "That might have sounded condescending."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "It's a fact."

My phone went off, but I couldn't be bothered to take it out of my purse. One of the girls or guys must be calling me, wondering where I went. What did they care?

The one day I decided to have a night out, and I saw Jacob. He was so changed. Nothing of the boy I once knew remained inside him.

I jumped when I felt a touch against my cheek.

" _At least_ you respond to that," he said with fake mock.

"What?"

"Did you hear a word I just told you?"

"Yeah...you said that at least I responded to-"

"No. I meant before that."

"You were apologizing-"

"After that," he said with raised eyebrows.

"You didn't say anything," I muttered.

"I did."

I looked away and felt like a little child who was caught doing something bad.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked.

"Do you often forget stuff?" he asked. "Like keys, your phone, appointments."

I shrugged. But if I thought about it, I did forget stuff. And I was horrible with time, especially digital clocks.

"Are you impulsive?"

"Impulsive?"

"Like, for example, in relationships. Get involved with men, but only briefly."

"No."

Before I could even ask him what was up with all these questions, he already continued.

"Are you restless? Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?"

"Oh," I said, stepping forward angrily. "Is this a consult? In the middle of the street? Didn't realize that's how you shrinks operated these days."

"Well, I saw your file, but it was empty. Not much left for me to read."

That was very true. I had a file, but I hadn't given the hospital the permission to look into it. I wanted to start with a clean slate.

"I just thought you'd like to know I might have a diagnosis for you."

"Really, huh?" I snapped.

He nodded.

"But I just have one more question," he asked.

"Of course you do," I said sarcastically.

"Do you sometimes find yourself focus very intently on things that interest you?"

"Yeah, doesn't anybody?" I asked matter-of-factly.

He shook his head with a soft smile.

"No," he said. "I'd need for you to answer a few of my questions a bit more seriously, but I have a high suspicion you have ADHD."

"ADHD?" I asked with a laugh. "You mean, the one where kids are bouncing up and down all the time?"

"Yes, but that's just a stereotype. The hyperfocus which you assumed anybody has, is not very common. But you admitted to having it, as well as forgetfulness. Also, you're easily distracted."

"What would you know about ADHD?"

"It's a behavioural condition. That's the field of psychiatrists."

"Of course. Thanks for the consult," I said sarcastically.

"You're not my patient," he said with a chuckle. "Anyway, is that the reason why you needed a consult?"

"What's up with all this help you're offering me?" I asked in confusion. "And should you even be here? Assuming you're not stalking me again."

He pressed his lips on each other, but only because he was holding in laughter.

"What?" I asked in agitation.

"First of all, I wasn't stalking you again. I had an appointment, but I'm free now."

I wasn't very convinced. It was too coincidental.

"And I want to help you."

"Why?"

"Seeing you happy makes me happy. Even though I'm not sure what it is that makes you happy."

I looked down, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

"Thanks for what you did there with Jacob, and my hand and the ADHD," I said, even though I rolled my eyes at the last part. "But I want to go home now."

I shrugged off his jacket and handed it back to him.

"Goodbye."

When he reached to take the jacket, a strange smile was on his face. Instead of grabbing the jacket, his hand caught my right wrist. I was glad he didn't squeeze it, due to the injury. He pushed me back against his car.

"You look beautiful by the way," he said as both his hands reached for my upper arm, in both a caress and warmth.

I drew out a breath and felt both my shoulders rise in fright when his lips touched my shoulder. I wasn't afraid, but I was jumpy. Neither did his lips touch my skin, but the dress. Still, a brief kiss from him was electrifying.

Was I wrong not to push him away when his soft lips reached up, to the bottom of my ear? I didn't know. It was direct skin to skin contact. I was vaguely aware of my head steering to the side, which gave him better access. I shut my eyes and lost myself completely.

Strange things happened to my body, but not unpleasant things. No, nothing about this felt bad. Not the way he pressed his lips. Not the way he sucked my skin. Not the way it tickled and shot straight through my entire being.

It felt good.

One of his hands reached my head. His lips left my neck and I couldn't suppress a shiver when the cold air hit the hot spot.

Suddenly, his entire body touched mine. I'd never been so close to anyone before. He pressed his lips against mine.

It was too late now. Too late to withdraw. Too late to wonder what this meant. He pulled me in and it was too late to get out. His kiss sent me to the moon. And it wasn't just the kiss. It was everything he did. Everything he'd done.

Last Saturday evening, he said that when I kissed him, he didn't want for it to end.

Now I knew what he meant.

* * *

 **A/N: you can find a link on my profile of Bella's dress**


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N:_** _So that first aid and CPR exam I had today...don't ask. GAh._

 _I can't wait for Christmas break =D_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 ** _Chapter 6_**

"Good thing you dumped me as a psychiatrist," he said. "I believe there's a code about doctor's not allowed to meet up with patients, or something like that."

 _Something like that..._

It was forbidden.

I took a hurried step sideways and escaped his close proximity.

That wasn't a kiss. It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me.

"Maybe," he asked hesitantly, "we could start over? Why don't we hang out for just one single hour. Consider it the same amount of time we would've talked together, if you hadn't bailed out on our appointment."

"I didn't _bail_ out on anything. You were late."

"Yes. But I already explained to you why. Didn't you go to the desk and ask how long it'd take? Because I'd reported that I'd be a little late, so if you'd bothered to ask-"

"I did bother. Don't assume stuff!"

"Alright," he said in an exaggerated tone. "I'm sorry."

Well, at least he was apologizing.

"The assistant was Lauren," I said eventually.

His eyes widened.

" _Lauren_? The actual one?"

"Yes. She was threatening with calling security and-"

"That was you?" he asked with an amused look on his face.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't pay much attention to it, but I overheard that somebody had put a formal complaint on one of the patients. Something about causing panic and scaring the people in the waiting room."

"No..." I muttered, rubbing my fingers over my forehead. "That's really not how it went."

"What happened then?" he asked.

"Look," I said, giving him a tired look. "I don't know what's up with people lately, but they seem to be doing strange stuff to me out of nowhere. And I don't want to talk about it. Alright?"

Hoping the message was clear now, I thought about leaving. It was very cold here and the sky decided this was a good time for snow.

He threw his coat around my shoulders again and I didn't hesitate to put it on. I was freezing.

"Strange stuff?" he asked. "Like, seeing your ex and having him threaten you to take you to court? Or seeing Lauren at the hospital, calling security on you? Or that thing that happened just now?"

 _That thing..._

"I said I don't want to talk about it," I said curtly.

"I'll see if I can do anything for you to make Lauren's complaint drop."

I turned my eyes up to see his serious face actually meaning that.

"You'd really do that?" I asked quietly.

"If you accept the hour."

My mouth dropped.

"Yes, that is called indeed black-mailing," he said with ease.

"Alright. Fine. But, on _one_ condition."

"You're not in any position to make conditions," he said with a raised eyebrow, but obviously humored.

I crossed my arms.

"I don't want you hear anything about Jacob, Lauren, or, that thing that just happened."

"None?" he asked sadly.

"And if you do, I'm off while you still hold the end of the bargain."

I pressed my lips hard on each other, and brought my eyes up to him.

"Yes or no?" I asked impatiently.

"I can live with that clause."

" _Clause_?"

"Would you like it on paper? Do we need to involve autographs? Call our lawyers?"

I raised my eyebrows, but then he smiled. He was joking. And possibly mocking Jacob.

"Should we?" I asked him. "Are you that untrustworthy?"

"Are you?"

"One hour," I said with one finger up. "Till the minute."

I checked my phone to see it was almost ten.

"So till eleven."

He nodded his head to the side.

"Let's go."

I simply followed him. As long as we kept near the clubs, I didn't mind the walk.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Did you think I'd be here with you if I had a girlfriend?"

"I will never know, you know?" I muttered. "After Jacob and Lauren."

How was I supposed to trust any new men, after that? It might as well be impossible.

"I know it must've hurt when you were cheated on," he asked.

"That's just it," I said. "You don't know. You have no idea how much that hurts."

He blinked and came to a standstill. I shrugged as I walked past him.

"Be glad, though. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy."

He walked over me and watched me with narrowed eyes.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I said, leaning back in confusion.

"I was thinking how badly you need to get drunk."

"I didn't know psychiatrist were allowed to say that."

He laughed out loud and threw his arm around me.

"I didn't give you permission to do that."

"How about, you don't see me like a psychiatrist, but a person who has a job as a psychiatrist. It's a minor part of who I am, you know?"

He completely ignored what I said about not giving him permission.

We stopped in front of a club, one I'd never been in before. I watched him in disbelief. I wasn't twenty-one yet.

"I'll never get in," I said. "I mean, look at that guy."

The security man in front of the club, checking for ID's was at least two hundred pounds, mostly muscles.

"Want to make a bet on that?" he said with a grin.

"Actually, yes. If I get in, I'll prolong this night until twelve. If not, I'm out."

He held out his hand.

"Can we shake hands on that?"

"Absolutely," I said, taking his hand. "Deal."

"Deal."

He never let go of my hand and we walked to the bulky man.

" _You_?" he said, staring at Mr. Grey in shock. "Edward, my man! What are you doing here?"

He gave Mr. Grey a manly hug and patted him several times on the back.

"Just hanging out. Anything wrong with that?"

The man held up both his hands, but laughed either way.

"I can't even remember the last time we went out."

 _What's happening?_

This wasn't supposed to happen. The muscly man wasn't supposed to be acquainted with Mr. Grey.

He turned his eyes to me and held out his hand.

"Hi, I'm Emmett," he said.

"Isabella," I said, placing my hand in his but not giving the grip or shake any strength.

"He's your date?" he asked me.

"Till midnight," Mr. Grey answered for me.

I turned my glaring eyes to him briefly, then quickly looked at Emmett.

"I'm twenty," I said. "And not his date. He's blackmailing me."

So what I was a snitch?

"That's alright. Go inside. Enjoy!"

And that just proved how real karma was.

"Thanks, bro!" Mr. Grey called.

He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me with him.

"Bro?" I said loudly, because the music instantly hit our ears.

"He's my brother. Now you're stuck with me till twelve."

"You _knew_ he would let me in!" I exclaimed, stepping out of his arm.

"Yes."

"That's unfair!"

"Before you start hating me, you might actually enjoy yourself here. What's your poison?"

"My what?"

"Your drink."

I hesitated.

"I've never had alcohol. I'm twenty. Remember?"

"For real? Never?"

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Following the law and such."

"By how many months?"

" _What_?"

"When will you be legal?"

" _Legal_...?"

"When is your birthday?" he asked while laughing.

"Ten more months," I said with a foul look.

He leaned down and said close by my ear, "I won't tell the cops."

My face fell, because my dad used to be with the police.

I tried to recover it before he noticed.

"Yeah, well, I thought you were with your car. You're not planning to drive drunk, are you?"

"I'll take a taxi."

"And what about me?"

"You'll be coming with me."

I took an involuntary step back, but he took my hand and pulled me with him to the bar.

"A virgin cocktail for you then," he said with a smirk.

I froze.

" _What_?"

"You know. Non-alcoholic."

When he saw my face, he added, "You really haven't done much clubbing, have you?"

My frozen face had nothing to do with not having done much clubbing. The word virgin just caught me off guard.

"So?" I snapped, pulling my hand out of his. "I thought Emmett just mentioned he hasn't seen you here for a long time. Where does that leave you?"

"Oh, I wasn't critiquing you. It's just that the girls I used to go out with were so different. Taking shot after shot. Getting drunk as fast as they can."

"I can be that girl," I said dryly.

"No," he said with a scoff. "Don't be that girl."

"I'll have a double shot of whatever you're having."

"You're serious," he stated with a sigh.

"Yeah."

He leaned closer to me, and said, "When I mentioned the cops, you changed."

I looked away.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing," I snapped.

I walked the last few yards to the bar and sat on one of the stools. Before I'd even taken money out of my purse, he'd already ordered and paid. I hadn't heard what he'd ordered, because he'd leaned over the bar to the bartender to tell the order. The music was so loud, I couldn't even think.

"Thanks," I said, shoving my wallet back in my purse.

"Don't mention it," he said.

The bartender placed two small glasses on the table, poured them with a colorless liquid and at last, placed a plate with lemon pieces and salt before us.

"What are we drinking to?" he asked.

"You tell me."

He brought his hand to his mouth and briefly licked the skin near his thumb and forefinger. Then he sprinkled some salt on the same place. He handed me the salt and I did the same.

He handed me one of the shots, then he took the second one and held it in between us.

"Here's to forgetting cheating ex's by the end of the night," he said, clicking his glass on mine.

A little bit of rage entered my body, but he was already licking off the salt of his skin.

I followed his action.

Then he emptied the glass in less then two seconds.

I had a delay, compared to him. While his glass was back on the table, I raised mine to the sky until the bitter drink slowly went down my throat in difficulty. The salt helped smoothing the start of the swallow, but a strong taste lingered in my mouth.

"Here," he said with a laugh, handing me a piece of the lemon.

He had a piece in his hand as well, biting in the flesh of it. He threw the piece back on the empty plate and I did so too after I was finished.

"That was wonderful," I said sarcastically. "Thank you for breaking our agreement. I'll be off now."

"When did I break our agreement?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

"When you made that toast. You're an asshole for thinking it's funny to make such a toast!"

I got off the chair but he took hold of my hand. His eyes were watching me sharply.

"I'm sorry for hurting you. That toast wasn't to hurt your feelings. I made it for you and I both. If you remember correctly, I didn't say to forget Jacob. I toasted to forgetting cheating ex's."

"So?"

"You said that I don't know what it's like when someone cheats on you."

"So?"

"I do know."

"Somebody cheated on you?" I asked.

The question just flew out of my mouth. But I didn't need an answer to know that somebody indeed cheated on him.

 _Oh, shit._

What was I supposed to say now?

He released my hand, but it seemed reluctant in my eyes.

"I have a serious question," he said, turning his glass upside down.

"I doubt you'll get an equally serious answer."

"If the apocalypse started right now, what would you do?"

I scoffed briefly, but then I remembered Emmett.

"Probably run to your brother outside and use him as my shield. I mean, have you seen him?"

"Emmett?" he asked. "I'm stronger than him."

"That I gotta see," I said.

"Want to make a bet on that?"

"How can you possibly prove that's true?"

"Arm wrestling," he said.

"Well, what will be the bet? If you lose, I'm off the hook, but if you win, I've got to stay with you till three at night?"

"What are you talking about? If Emmett wins, you can use him as your shield, but if I win, I'm the right person to run to if an apocalypse started right now."

I scowled.

"Don't you want to know whom to run to if an apocalypse started right now?"

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help a smile.

"You're acting crazy."

"Perhaps. But that's your first smile all evening, so I don't mind."

For a moment, we just stared at each other. My smile slowly vanished and I looked down at my feet.

"Another shot?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. "Just make it a single this time."

"That was a single shot. I wasn't going to let your first drink be a double shot."

I was certain I was watching him in disbelief, because if that was a normal shot, I wondered how many of those my body could handle.

He smiled, leaned forward and said, "You don't have to get drunk, you know?"

"No. I'm fine with shots."

When the bartender had his eyes on mine, I said, "Can we get two more?"

"Where d'you come from?" I asked as the bartender poured us the shots.

This time, I was quicker with taking the shot than him.

"What do you mean?" he asked with a scoff.

I was having a few, but short fits of giggles. I ordered two more.

"Are you sure you weren't stalking me?"

"Yes."

I took the third shot.

"I was actually meeting there with my ex, but she didn't show up."

"She stood you up?" I said with an unintended laugh, while signing to the bartender for two more.

"Hold that," Mr. Grey said. "You're going way too fast."

He hadn't touched his third shot, so I took it and swallowed it down without the salt. I did take a piece of lemon and bit in it. I added the empty glass to my collection of four empty glasses.

"So why would you want to meet up with your ex?" I threw out on the table.

"I still have a soft spot when it comes down to her."

"Get back together than," I snapped.

Along with that snap, I felt a hint of jealousy. If there was an ex, why was he here with me anyway?

As I heard my own voice ring in my ears, I felt shocked at how I reacted to him. He was only being honest and giving me an answer to me question. I shouldn't have reacted so fierce fully.

He however didn't seem to mind, as he watched me in a way that said I didn't understand the situation.

"Sorry," I muttered.

I raised my hand to the bartender and he nodded.

"Two more, please," I said.

"If you keep going in this pace, it won't end so well."

" _Loosen up_ ," I said, handing him his drink. "I'm totally fine."

I was actually enjoying the alcohol. The taste was bitter, but not bad. And I was feeling somehow better and happier.

"No," Mr. Grey said. "No more."

"Oh, pooh! I'll pay for them myself, you know?"

"It's not the money I'm worried about."

The drinks arrived, but he put them away from my reach.

"What time is it, anyway?" I asked.

"Time to go," he said.

"It can't be midnight yet."

He shook his head.

"I'm letting you off the hook," he said.

"What? No. We had a deal."

"You hate me so much that you don't know how to handle it, except take shot after shot."

My lips parted, mostly in shock. Hate was a strong word. I wouldn't particularly say that I hated him. Mostly I was confused about how I felt about him.

"Anyway, I'm holding my end of the bargain, of course. I'll see if I can get Lauren to change her complaint against you."

I sat on the stool, rigid as a rock.

"Do you think you can walk?"


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N:** Thanks for the support everyone :) I hope I'll get an update asap, but if not, have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! But I promise, I will do my best!_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

My head hurt. My body ached. What happened? Where was I? What was this place?

I narrowed my eyes to get a better look of the strange scenery.

And then all at once, several things registered in my brain.

 _This isn't my bed..._

 _The colour on the wall is not the white colour on my bedroom's walls..._

 _I'm naked. I never sleep naked._

Except for the strange, wide blouse, which smelled like male's perfume and looked foreign. Panties! I still had those on.

It was very dark in the room and I weighed down my options. I could dart out of bed, look for a light button and figure out where the hell I was. Or I could lay down for just one more moment, to see if I could figure out what this was.

 _A big mistake?_

A part of my life was vanished...I couldn't remember last night. It was gone.

Then in panic, I shot out of the bed and was grateful that the blouse was buttoned and long enough to reach my thighs. I looked at the door nervously, wondering if any moment now, somebody would burst in.

That somebody would have to be Edward...I remembered Edward from last night.

 _Hang on._

Why did I consider him as Edward? Wasn't he Mr. Grey? I shook it off. That wasn't of priority now.

However, he was the last person I had been with. As far as I could think back.

 _Dear God, what did I do?_

I couldn't remember anything! But I _knew_ there was tequila last night.

And a kiss. We went to a club. Emmett let us it. Emmett was Edward's brother. I could remember Edward telling me that he'd been cheated on as well.

 _What else could I remember?_

He made some joke about whom I would run to if there was an apocalypse. And then he may have gotten upset with the rate I was taking shots, so...he told me I was off the hook. I thought he also asked me if I could walk, but I couldn't be sure. Why would he ask me if I could walk?

I found the window and opened the curtains. It was twilight, I believed. What was the time, anyway? With some light in the room now, I noticed a pile of clothes and searched through them as fast as I could.

 _Wrinkled dress...check._

 _Ripped pantyhose...check._

 _Bra...check._

 _Shoes...check._

As for my bag...

 _What if I'd been taken by some creep?_

But a creep wouldn't just leave me alone, would he? They usually tied their victims or threw them in a dark, cold room.

 _Get out of here, Bella._

I discarded the pantyhose. It was useless. Instead, I clumsily pulled my arms out of the sleeves of the blouse, put on my bra and threw my dress on. As I pushed it down my waist and hips, I pushed the blouse down as well until it fell on the ground.

That's when I noticed something else on the ground. It was ripped and looked familiar. I bent down and picked it up.

It was a condom. Or at least, there had been a condom inside it. I dropped it on the ground next to the blouse.

Sex. I had sex with a stranger.

Next, I dropped as well and hugged my knees as tight as I could. I took several deep breaths in and out.

 _What have I done?_

 _What haven't I done?_

 _Who's on the other side of that door?_

Even it was Edward, was that so bad? Each time I heard his name in my own head, something strange happened. I felt safe. I felt comforted. But why? Where did that come from?

I looked up at the door and some of the fear and uncertainty I felt vanished. I picked myself up again and took several deep breaths. It was okay. I would be okay. It was just sex.

It just happened to be unfortunate that I couldn't remember the moment I lost my virginity.

* * *

It took me a while before I'd gathered the courage to open the door. I stepped into a hallway. I looked at both sides, but noticed stairs on my left hand. Stairs were good. I was probably on the first floor and needed to get down.

I stepped down as quietly as I could. Maybe I could get out of here unnoticed. Wouldn't that be amazing?

The stairs went straight down but curved to the right at the bottom. Before I reached the last steps, I could hardly believe my eyes. The hallway was a wide-open space. It was very bright, but not painful on the eyes. I saw a several dark couches, a large television, a door that may lead to a kitchen...

 _Don't get distracted now._

On my left I saw an exit. I walked as fast as I could.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

" _Shit!_ " I screeched as my heart jumped at the sound of his voice.

I spun around and saw him appear out of a hallway on the right, one I hadn't noticed.

 _How big is this house?_

At the same time my hand went up to my lips as I wondered if I just said _shit_. I never, ever cursed.

I noticed my purse in his hand. That's what he meant he asked if I wasn't forgetting something.

Even though I was freezing in just my dress, he wore just short pants and a black wife beater.

I opened my mouth to say something. But when our eyes locked, I was frozen in time and space.

"Are you alright?" he asked with a scowl.

"Don't do that!" I snapped.

"Do what?"

"Act like a psychologist."

"I believe that's a commonly used question."

"Aren't you cold?" I blurted out, my teeth already chattering.

Of all the things I could say or ask him, that's the one I chose.

He laughed and got on his feet. He perhaps lived in a beautiful house, but a little heat wouldn't do any harm. The temperature must've dropped in the night.

"I don't get that cold very often," he said. "But I can get you..."

He looked around, then back in the hallway where he came from.

"...something," he finished.

I stared into the hole where he disappeared. I could disappear as well, if I just walked out of the door behind me. However, he was right. I needed my purse. And my purse was still in his hand.

I had a feeling that he knew I would bolt as soon as I had my purse back.

"I've got a few things to kill that hang over," he said as he reappeared.

He held a navy-blue hoodie in his other hand. He handed it to me and led me to the other door which I assumed would be the kitchen. My feet worked without my mind's consent. I was right, this was indeed the kitchen. A large table with six chairs around it stood in front of the door and just a few steps away I noticed another door. This one led outside as well.

 _Great, another escape route._

On my right I noticed the kitchen.

He told me to sit, even thought I had to leave this place.

I sat down with my back to the wall. That way I could still see the exit door on my left and him in the kitchen on my front. I watched as he filled a large glass with water and added two dissolvable painkillers to it. My eyes watched the tablets bruise in the water while I noticed him walk closer to me.

Before he caught me staring at him, I fumbled with the hoodie. I looked for the opening, but I noticed four large white letters.

 _YALE._

Beneath that was Yale's insignia; an open book and in very small letters the Latin sentence, LEX ET VERITAS. I wondered what that meant. At the bottom stood UNIVERSITY.

"How are you feeling?"

"You went to Yale," I stated in shock.

 _So incredibly jealous..._

"Yes," he said.

He went to Yale! Who wouldn't dream of going to Yale? He was probably loaded with money. Then again, this house way...massive. I noticed some nice decor, but I couldn't really be bothered to focus on the details. But now I was certain that he had some big cash. Or his parents did.

"I'm jealous," I said with a small smile.

Only the very fortunate would ever experience something as big as Yale.

"Don't be," he said in a strange tone. "Besides-"

He said it in a way that made me look up at him.

"You could get in as well."

"No," I said quickly.

I couldn't. Not even an average college wanted me, let alone one of the Ivy League's.

"How about you put it on instead of staring at it and freezing to death?" he said.

I looked away in irritation, but since I was indeed freezing, I did put it on and felt instant warmth. I grabbed the glass and tried to gulp it down as fast as I could. It wasn't hard, since I was so thirsty.

The hoodie was very large on my, so I started rolling the sleeves so they wouldn't fall over my hands too much.

"I had a great time last night."

I felt a strange, cold, squeezing feeling in my chest.

He knew about last night. I knew nothing.

"I have to go," I replied.

 _Shit. Work._

No, wait, I had a day off.

"No breakfast?" he asked.

I was very hungry, but I couldn't eat here with him.

I shook my head.

"I'll take you home then."

"You really needn't."

He watched me as if I was a puzzle.

"Why?" he asked casually.

"I just... can get myself home."

He looked away briefly.

Then I thought of something very unfortunate. I had to take care of several things. I couldn't remember if there'd been protection or not. Well, obviously yes, but what if it ripped? I couldn't know for sure. I couldn't remember the moment, the night. It was all gone. And I needed to first get myself the best morning after pill. Next, I would need to make an appointment to check myself for STD's. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

"Do you regret last night?" he asked.

Was it possible to regret something you couldn't remember doing?

I tried, because I wanted to remember last night. I tried to get the memories back. I wanted to know. Living in this blankness was excruciating. I felt like a part of my own life was stolen from me. It wasn't right.

I froze in my spot when he walked toward me and came to stand behind me.

 _Where's my purse?_

His hands were empty. I scanned the room and saw it on the kitchen side table.

 _Smartly played._

His hands came on my shoulders, his fingers squeezing slightly. I tensed at his touch.

"Something's not right, but you're not telling me."

There was _actual_ concern in his voice.

"Everything's fine," I said.

"You say that on auto pilot, Bella-"

Something very, very strange happened when I heard him say my nickname. I was given something, a fragment perhaps, between Edward and I.

 _"Why don't you try to sleep some?" he asked._

 _My eyelids felt heavy, but instead of closing them, I was running my fingers over his chest._

 _"I don't want to sleep," I said._

 _"It's late, Ana. Just try to close your eyes."_

 _"Ana?" I muttered._

 _"Like the movie," he replied._

 _"What movie? Oh, that movie. I thought you said you haven't seen it."_

 _"I haven't," he said with a wide grin._

 _"Oh, I believe you are lying, Mr. Grey"_

 _"Why would I lie, Miss Steele?"_

 _"Why would you call me Ana?" I challenged._

 _"Because I don't know what else to call you," he said, perhaps with a slightly defeated tone._

 _I could understand his dilemma. I told him not to call me Isabella repeatedly. The same applied to any pet names._

 _"Bella. My friends call me Bella."_

"Did you hear a word I said?" he asked, as he pulled the chair on my right side and sat on it.

I stared at him and waited for more memories to return but all was in vain.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said.

"Don't demand stuff from me," I said, looking away.

I stared at my purse.

 _Get it back. Leave. Never come back._

That was a good plan.

"I wasn't... I'm sorry. You can tell me anything," he stated. "I mean, after last night...come on."

What was that supposed to me?

I looked down and instead I asked, "What were you saying before? When I...zoned out."

"I was saying that last night, you were nearly awake all night. You've slept no more than two hours. Maybe it was the alcohol, but maybe not."

"So?" I muttered with a shrug.

"If you need help," he said, "don't be hesitant to ask. I can send you to one of the best psychiatrists. They can-"

"No, thanks."

I was done with psychiatrist. They went inside your head and sucked everything that was once logical out of your mind.

"There's medication that can-"

I shook my head. Then I shook it harder.

"I don't want pills," I said, because he didn't stop talking. "I won't take them."

He watched me in a way that said he knew my secret. But, how could he?

"What?" I snapped in defence.

"Has it got something to do with overdoses and suicide?" he asked mercilessly.

I tried to keep my face blank, but I knew my face gave away the answer.

"I understand," he said. "It was your mother. She took a pill overdose, then died."

What on earth did I tell him last night about my mother? Obviously not everything. He may have guessed many things right, but this one he hadn't caught.

I was so tired to do this right now, but I did it anyway. I started explaining.

"My mom didn't overdose. She cut her wrist and bled to death. I was the one who once took an overdose of pills."

The quietness in the room was deadly and I hated it. My eyes were on the window across the room, gazing at the road. A few cars passed by, but my mind was on that moment when I was the one who was suicidal.

He let go of my shoulders. Now he seemed to be having had enough of me. It was obvious.

It was okay. I was used to people having enough of me.

"Why?" he asked. "Because of Jacob?"

I answered him curtly, but only because I wanted to keep my dignity before I left.

"No."

I looked up briefly, despite all the reasons I had not to want to look at him. I was surprised to see him watch me very calmly. There were no signs of mock or distrust. He almost seemed...passive.

"When my dad died, my mother was too broken herself to comfort me. Some days I was fine. But it was hard. He died on Christmas Eve, which turned Christmas into some horror event because my mother wasn't ready to call for an ambulance to pick up his body."

I leaned sideways against the door and tried to keep my cool, even though it was very hard to speak.

"I started doing...crazy stuff, like smoking and...I stopped eating. I know it's stupid. I hate smoking and I love food. But I was lonely and I wanted somebody to notice me."

For a brief moment I thought of Alice. She once chose to stop eating, and continued doing that. What trauma had she gone through?

"I'm sure they did," he stated.

"No. Nobody did. And that's when... I took pills."

That deep scowl on his face made me wonder if he was feeling bad for me or something else.

"I should get going."

"It's okay," he said.

"Glad you feel that way."

That was my cue to leave. Therefor I got on my feet but he held my hand and stopped me. His hand was hot against my frozen one. I felt myself scowl as I wondered how he managed to keep such a high body temperature. At the same time I noticed his scoff as he squeezed my hand with now both his hands. I shivered at the instant that heat started coursing through my body.

"Sit down."

"I don't like commanding men."

"Just sit," he said, tugging my hand.

"Why?" I said with a heavy sigh as I did so.

"It's okay that you took those pills, Bella. That's what I meant. Now if you must leave, and you don't want my help...fine. That's something I can live with."

 _It's okay you took those pills, Bella._

He got up and went to get my purse. He handed it to me but I didn't take it. Instead he placed it on the table.

"I'll call you a taxi."

As he did, I kept repeating that sentence over and over again.

Were psychiatrists even allowed to say that?

"Why?" I said when he finished the call.

"Hmm?"

"Why did you say it's okay?" I said in fright. "It's not okay! Nothing about that is okay!"

He smiled sadly and came to sit beside me again.

"I don't need taxi. I'll take the bus."

"But you look like you've just had a one night stand."

I gave him the foulest look I could muster.

"Where's your pantyhose?"

"Upstairs."

"Kinky."

I crossed my arm and didn't dare to glance his way. I grabbed my purse and hugged it close to my chest.

"I'll pay for the taxi," he offered.

"No."

"You want to walk into a bus looking like this?"

"Could you be any meaner?" I snapped.

He hummed and I sneaked a glance at him. He raised his eyebrows.

"At least you're not panicking anymore."

"When did I panic?"

"After I finished my call."

"Because you can't say stuff like that! It's not normal to-!"

"Saying the truth when you're drunk is easy. Saying it when you're sober, now that takes courage."

What was he talking about? Did I tell him something last night in my drunken state? And what truths was he talking about?

A car honked. I got up instantly and hurried away from him. He followed me, but I made sure I stayed one step ahead of him. As we reached the cab, he stepped forward and handed the cab driver something. Money, obviously.

"You really needn't pay," I said, feeling guilty for his gesture.

"You really needn't take a taxi," he shot back in challenge.

"Fine... _thanks_."

"Don't mention it."

"Next time, I'm paying," I said quickly, without giving it much thought.

After his next comment, I probably should have thought it through.

"That's what you said last night," he said. "And it made me wonder if you do want a second date."

 _I leaned my head away from him, mostly in shock, but my body was rooted in place, because the back of the chair prevented me from moving further away._

 _"This so called arrangement or whatever it is," he said, mimicking my words, "is simply a date."_

 _"A date?" I said in a small voice._

 _"You would've never agreed if I asked you directly. After what happened with Jacob."_

I shook my head a little as if my mind was a broken videotape that didn't work properly. It allowed some words to seep in my mind, but nothing made sense and came to me in bits and pieces.

 _"How much longer...?" I muttered when I couldn't take it any longer._

 _I didn't want a vomit story and I didn't want it to be in a cab._

 _"We're almost there," he said. "If you want we can walk the remaining blocks."_

 _"Yes, please," I said all too quickly._

 _I'd walk miles if I could get out of this stinky cab right this instance. When it stopped moving, my stomach turned and I jumped out the cab. The fresh air soothed my stomach and I managed to keep the nausea at bay._

 _Edward remained inside for a moment longer. I assumed he was paying. He was paying for everything. That had to stop. I heard a door open and close._

 _"Can I pay for this?" I asked when he reached me._

 _"That would offend me."_

 _"For real?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Oh. Thank you."_

 _"You're welcome."_

 _"But next time, I'm paying."_

 _"Next time?" he asked with raised eyebrows._

 _"Yes._ I _insist."_

 _"We'll see," he said with a smirk._

Ever since I woke up this morning I had this awful fear that I might possibly never remember last night. But maybe it could all still come back to me. Not in these strange, unexpected bits and pieces. I wanted the whole thing.

He hadn't done anything weird to me. He even seemed kind and caring.

"I'll leave you to your thoughts," he said and before I knew it, he pecked me on the front head. "Bye-bye, night owl."

In the past, I thought I saw Jacob everywhere after the break up. The truth was, no. He wasn't there. He was only in my head, my own imagination. Now, I had the same with Edward. He was haunting me everywhere. Only this was different.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Let it have been joyful and filled with love :)

I challenge you to give me something that 2016 gave you: your best achievement, your last year's resolutions which you didn't keep, your favourite song or movie and your crush on a celebrity.

Mine will be listed on the bottom of this chapter :)

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

It turned out that Edward had paid the cab driver enough, because when I asked if I owed him something, he laughed out loud as if it was the most hilarious thing ever. How much did Edward give this man?

 _I should probably tell Edward I blacked out._

That thought remained in my head in the afternoon, the evening, the night.

Then there was the number one question why I didn't tell him the minute I woke up.

Well, for one, I was freaking out. But very slowly, my racing heart did calm down. My mind started to make logical connections. So...we had sex. Except, I wasn't like that. I'd never done a thing like that. I wasn't that girl. Except, now I was. Because I'd done it. I accepted a guy's _date_. And it ended in his bed. That could be defined as a one-night stand. But if it was, then Edward's implication about a second date didn't make sense.

I didn't have his number, nor did he have mine. I didn't even memorize his address or recognize the neighbourhood in which he lived. He might know where I lived, since he had access to my personal record at the hospital. But I had a feeling doctors weren't allowed to search in personal records for their private use.

Why imply it, if it was never going to happen?

He wanted to make himself seem like a nice guy. That was all there's to it. He gets an easy lay for the night, but to even it out with his conscience, his God or whatever, he pays with the money he obviously has and gives his one-night stand a fancy goodbye. How very chivalrous.

 _Why didn't I tell Edward I blacked out?_

Because I was scared. What if I didn't like the story behind my black out? And if I did, would I be just another girl hung up on the gorgeous Dr. Edward Cullen? No, I wouldn't become that girl.

 _That_ I still had in my power to prevent from happening.

I went to the pharmacy as fast as I could and bought both a morning after pill and a pregnancy test. Then I decided I'd rather take the STD test anonymously than at my GP. The appointment was set this Friday, thankfully.

Was it even useful that I bought a pregnancy test? Wasn't a pregnancy only noticeable _after_ a few weeks of a pregnancy?

I threw the stupid test in my drawer and swallowed down the morning after pill. I hoped with all that was high and mighty that last night's stupid mistake wouldn't ruin my life.

He took my virginity, but he wasn't going to take my sanity.

Therefor I heated up some of my soup, sat before my computer and studied.

 _Why didn't I tell Edward I blacked out?_

Because it wouldn't have mattered. I was just one more girl he could mark off his long, long list.

* * *

Next day at work, disaster walked in. I couldn't even utter out his name.

"Hi, Bella. I'm really sorry about last night."

What was Jacob Black doing here?

"Why are you here?"

It might've sounded like an accusation, but who could blame me? As he stood before me, he no longer made my heart jump. All I saw was a boy I was once in love with. Yesterday he really hurt my feelings. A simply sorry wasn't going to erase his words.

"I don't know how to say this, Bella..."

I stared at him as he seemed at a loss of words.

"Just spit it out?" I said question-like.

"It's that guy you were with last night..."

At the mention of Edward, my heart did jump.

"What about him?" I asked quickly.

"I know him, Bella. And he's not a good guy."

I only just met that Edward, true. But I'd know Jacob for years and he hadn't been very kind either.

Then again, Jacob said that Edward wasn't a _good_ guy, not that he wasn't a _kind_ guy. I for one knew that Edward was kind...in a disturbing way, perhaps, but what about him was _bad_? A bad guy would be one that cheated on his girlfriend. A bad guy lied to her.

I felt so awkward to say this, but it had to be said.

"As opposed to you?"

"I know... I know I've been an ass. But Edward Cullen is not who you think he is."

"And you do?" I asked coldly.

Jacob knew Edward's full name.

He took a deep breath.

"I can show you," he forced out. "Look at these papers."

He showed me a paper that said _Criminal Record._ And it was Edward Cullen's, judging by the name and his picture, no smile and cold eyes. Murder was written in those eyes. My heart started to squeeze uncomfortably at what may or may not stand in the record.

"What's this?" I whispered in fright.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said.

"Then, why did you?" I said. My voice broke.

"Please, Bells," he said in that tone he'd used so often. "Just read it. You deserve to know. It's the least I can do, after..."

I was instantly reminded of my dad. He always called me Bells, never Bella or Isabella. Just Bells. For a moment, I felt like it was my dad's spirit looking after me, but that was childish thought.

"After cheating on me? Why would you care?" I asked angrily, yet with a sad undertone.

"Because I never stopped."

I inhaled sharply and my eyes started to water.

"If you fall for Cullen, you're going to get hurt. You deserve so much more."

Still feeling sceptical at whatever stood in Edward's criminal record, I picked up the paper he left on the counter and started reading.

I wish I hadn't.

Between all formal sentences, I found;

 _Two years of probation..._

 _Manslaughter..._

 _Attempted rape..._

 _Criminal battery..._

The rest wasn't important. All I saw was Edward, assaulting a person, any person, and killing someone... and attempting...rape. The cold look in his eyes in that picture made a lot of sense now.

As punishment for all these crimes, he only gets two years...of probation. Nothing more. That was the same as no punishment at all.

He got away with a kill, an almost rape and physically hurting someone.

 _I can't remember the one-night stand._

Oh God, please no. This couldn't be happening to me. No, no, no, oh no, oh no...

I couldn't stay here. I couldn't stand anything now.

Nearly running, I went through the private door into the back of the store. Mike was busy with cleaning the oven.

"I have to go."

Even to my own ears, my voice sounded like fear and shock. He stopped scrubbing and looked at me in surprise.

"Don't ask," I quickly said. "I'm really sorry, but..."

He nodded his head and said something, which I didn't catch. I took my jacket, bag and left. I took the backdoor and ran to my car and drove far, far away. For just a second I remembered Jacob in the store, but the thought left me as soon as it came.

I wished the entire night was gone, vanished, never happened. What if he'd done something to me? What if he'd had sex with me...without my permission? There was a word for that kind of sex. A word I didn't dare say or think, because it was too much and too heavy to bear.

I could've lived with myself for losing my mind for just one night. I could've live with myself for losing my virginity to a man I barely knew. I could've lived with not remembering the night.

But I couldn't live with myself now that I knew one of his past crimes was...

 _Attempted rape._

I shuddered as the word sneaked up on me unexpectedly.

Why else could I not remember the night, unless he did something to prevent me from remembering. I'd heard about pills and whatnot that paralyzed girls.

Tears blinded me.

My heart was being ripped apart and bleeding heavily.

It never made sense for him to be interested in me, not even in the slightest. All he wanted was sex, taken by force, not given freely with consent.

For a long time, everything felt wrong.

Cars raced past me as I'd parked mine at the emergency lane.

Time passed. Hours. It grew darker. I was frozen in place, afraid I might never come out of this shock.

My phone went off, but I let it ring. As soon as the sound stopped, it restarted and I let it ring again.

On the fifth time, or maybe the eighteenth, I grabbed the phone to see who it was.

 _Incoming Call  
Alice_

That was unexpected.

"Hey, Alice," I said, my voice dry from crying and perhaps screaming.

"Bella!" I heard Alice say in a gasp. "I need your help."

"What is it?"

"I didn't know who else to call."

"Tell me."

"I feel so bad," she continued in a gasp. "Feels like an elephant is on top of my chest. I'm too nauseated to even sit quietly. I think it's just the flu, but I feel so bad. Can you come and visit me?"

 _Elephant on top of her chest?_

"Is there somebody with you?" I asked quickly.

"No, I'm home alone. My family went out for dinner and I don't want to call them."

 _Dinner?_

I glanced at my radio clock: 7:16 pm.

How many hours had I been here? It must've been over eight hours. No wonder my body ached all over.

I asked her several questions, because what I _thought_ she was having right now seemed absurd. But I didn't know much about anorexia, so who knew?

"Have you ever felt this before?"

"Never."

"When did it start, Alice?"

"Maybe an hour ago, I'm not so sure. I've been sitting quietly, but it never passed. Only got worse."

Alice was nearly gasping for air and everything at once hit me.

My mother's and dad's death.

My bad break up with Jacob.

My foolish mistake to let down my guard and trust Edward Cullen, a criminal.

Now, I suspected that Alice was having a heart attack, which could lead to her death. Was it possible for a twenty-three-year-old to even get a heart attack?

Whether it was or wasn't, I knew that heart attacks killed.

I put her on loudspeaker and placed the phone on the passenger's seat.

"Give me the address, Alice, quickly."

"110 Queen Road."

I typed as she spoke and waited impatiently for my navigation to find the satellites and calculate the route.

"Alice, call 911. Tell them you need an ambulance. That your friend suspects you have a MI."

I read fourteen minutes on the navigation screen. I started driving.

"I'll be there in about ten minutes," I said - and hoped, if I drove fast.

"911? MI? What's that?"

"Please, Alice, just do it. I'm going to hang up now so you can call them, alright?"

"Wait, you don't need to hang up. I can call 911 from our home telephone."

"That's fine," I said. "Just hurry."

"What's an MI?" she asked again.

"It's a heart attack," I said after a while.

"A heart attack?" she shrieked. "No, that can't be. I've seen in movies how people get a heart attack. They grab their chest and choke. Then they fall down and die."

Men did, but women had other symptoms. I didn't tell her that. It was good to remain optimistic. And how nice would it be if I was wrong?

"It's just a precaution," I told her. "Are you dialling?"

"Yeah, yeah, Miss Impatient," she muttered. "I have the phone in my hand now. Hang on."

I was driving 50 on a 30-mph road. I had to, if I wanted to make it there in time.

"Hello, hi, yeah. I'm calling because a friend of mine is concerned about me having a heart attack. Can you believe it?"

She spoke to the other receiver.

"I'm twenty-three. I think it's just the flu. I feel tired. Pains on my chest, back and neck. Wait, I have my friend on the other line. Let me tell her. Bella?"

"Yeah," I called.

I was only eight minutes away from her.

"She says it's probably the flu. Told you."

"Alice, please. Can you tell her one more thing? Please?"

"Sure."

"Tell her you have severe anorexia."

She didn't speak.

"Please, Alice."

"I don't have anorexia," she said. "No, I wasn't talking to you! No, I... What?! I'm not telling you my weight. What's your problem?"

The lady on the other phone had taken over and was now asking Alice for her weight.

"I'm not talking to you anymore!" she said.

"Alice," I said in my kindest voice. "I've lost my mother and dad... I could have saved them, if I'd had some more knowledge, but...I didn't. Please don't make me lose you too."

"I'm fine, though! I'm healthy!"

"You might not be," I said quietly. "Please give her your address. So the ambulance can come."

I breathed in relief when I heard her give the lady on the other phone her address.

"I'm a few minutes away," I said. "How are you feeling?"

She sniffed and my heart tore out of my chest. She was crying.

"Alice?"

"Worse...I feel so much worse. The clenching is so disturbing. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I'm almost there. Keep breathing. I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm going to wait on the front porch for you. I hung up the other phone. She sent an ambulance."

" _You_ hung up the phone?"

"She kept asking questions...and I really just want to talk to you."

"I'm five more minutes away," I said with a smile on my lips.

She might be stubborn and very ill, but for some reason she listened to me and wanted to talk to me.

We were both quiet for a moment.

"Tell me something," she said. "Distract me. Did I interrupt you from work or anything?"

"In contrary. I already left work. I've been having a bad day. My ex...he came by at work. He had some upsetting news and..."

"What did he tell you?"

"It's a long story."

"Just start at the beginning. It's okay if you can't finish it. I just need the distraction."

"Well..." I said after sighing.

It was probably a bad idea to tell her.

"I saw my ex last night but that didn't go so well, and another guy came to my rescue. We went to a club. I had a few drinks for the first time in my life. Then I woke up...in his _bed_...with no recollection of the night. I can't remember it, just a few bits and pieces."

I stopped speaking.

"Wow. Okay. Why did your ex come by today?"

"He saw me last night with that guy...said he knew him, that I shouldn't trust him. I don't know how, but my ex had his criminal record, which showed horrible crimes. Manslaughter. Attempted rape. Battery. But the worst part is that he got away with it."

"Wow! That almost reminds me of...no, never mind. It's impossible. Can't you confront him?"

"With such a criminal record...who knows what he's capable off? What he's done...to me... since I have no recollection of the night. Alice, I can't remember how I got in his bed."

She remained quiet, so I further explained.

"What if he did something to me against my permission?"

"That sounds really bad... I'm sorry, Bella. I think you should tell the police. No, I _know_ you should tell them. You must."

I took a turn and noticed very modern, large houses. This neighbourhood was amazing.

"I believe I'm in your street," I said.

"I can see your headlights."

In the distance, I saw a small frame sitting on the front porch, just like she told me. I was glad to see she wore a thick jacket. I stopped in their driveway, abandoning my phone.

She hung up the phone and was about to get up.

"No, don't stand up," I said, walking toward her.

I hugged her when I reached her and sat next to her.

"Still feeling bad?"

She nodded, though she wore a deep scowl.

"You will go to the police, won't you?"

"I guess I have to," I muttered. "Or confront him. Maybe I should just confront the bastard."

"But it's strange. With all those crimes, and only two years of probation. That can't be, can it?"

"I don't know much about the law."

"Well, I do. Not much, but some. As far as I know, he should have at least gotten five years. It just doesn't make sense, Bella."

"I don't know. Let's not worry about that now. The ambulance should be here any minute."

She swayed and unexpectedly started falling forward. I caught her just in time.

"Alice!" I called, placing her on the cold ground.

"I'm not feeling well," she muttered.

"Just breathe," I said, taking her phone and dialling 911, put it on loudspeaker and next to me on the ground.

She was groaning and moaning, her head going left and right.

"It hurts," she panted.

"I know." I said.

"911, what is your emergency?" a man asked.

"Hi, I'm Bella. A few minutes ago, a girl called for an ambulance with a possible heart attack. Is the ambulance on its way? To eh, Alice, what was the address?"

I brought my eyes to her and found hers shut.

"Alice?"

"An ambulance has been sent to 110 Queen Road," I heard him say. "Is that where you need an ambulance?"

"Alice?" I asked again, shaking her shoulders. "She's not responding!"

"Bring your head to your chest and check her breathing," the man ordered. "Watch her chest to see if it's moving."

I did as he told me but felt neither her hot breath on my cheek or see her chest move. For good measure, I placed my hand on her stomach to feel if it went up.

"Anything?" I heard.

"Nothing," I answered in panic.

"Do you know how to perform CPR?"

"Y-Yes," I said.

"Start chest compressions. I'm going to let the ambulance know the victim is receiving CPR."

I barely heard what he said and explained, as I thought what I was about to do for the first time in my life. My hands went on top of her chest and I pressed.

"One, two, three, four, five..." I counted, until I reached thirty.

I shut her nose, lifted her chin and blew in air. I watched her chest fall, and blew in air a second time.

That being one cycle, I repeated, repeated and repeated.

It was driving me mad.

I heard and saw nothing except that cycle.

Somebody grabbed my shoulders. Hands pulled me back. Other hands reached Alice. They started compressions, placed a balloon on her mouth to provide air. They moved very fast, unzipping her jackets, cutting open her clothes. Lastly, even her bra was cut in the middle. Electrodes on her chest. A machine talking automatically.

"No shock advised. Continue CPR."

Her small, half naked body was placed on a stretcher and into the ambulance.

The ambulance, which had arrived, but I never heard or saw them coming.

"She's had a scare," I heard somebody say from beside me. "I'm going to call for a second ambulance."

"No, I'm alright," I said.

 _Alice is dead._

"We're going to do our best for her," he said. "Are you Bella?"

I nodded.

"She mentioned you through the phone, did she not? The friend that suspected that she might have a heart attack?"

Again, I nodded.

"Yes, she called me and I drove here as fast as I could, but I told her to call 911 for help."

"A very smart move," he said. "You might've just saved your friend's life."

The ambulance still stood there.

"She's dead. Defibrillator didn't catch anything. She's-"

And then the ambulance went off and I stopped talking.

He took his phone and asked for an update. I looked at him and saw him for the first time. A man, about forty, almost bald and broadly built.

"Thank you," he said, turning his eyes to me. "Her heart's beating again. You made a good call, Bella. Are you a paramedic?"

I shook my head.

"When a defibrillator doesn't catch any heart activity, it won't recommend a shock. A shock will only work of the heart is fibrillating abnormally. Your friend needed adrenaline to restart her heart."

"Good," I said.

"Was that your first time performing CPR?"

I nodded.

He patted my back.

"You were a hero today," he said.

All I had for him was a weak smile.

"Do you know if Alice has a family which we can contact?"

Her phone was still on the ground. I picked it up and handed it to him.

"It's her phone," I said.

"Alright," he said, going through it for a moment. "No ICE in her list."

I grimaced. Not many people had an In Case of Emergency contact, but it would be so nice if they did.

"Do you know her parent's names? A friend? Siblings?"

All the time, I shook my head.

"Sorry," I added.

"Nothing to worry about," he said.

He pressed the phone against his ear. It didn't take long before he talked.

"Hi, I'm Jack. I'm looking for a relative of Alice. That's good. Alright, I'm from the emergency medical service. I'm calling about Alice. We need somebody to come to Forks Community hospital. I realize you want to know everything, but all I can tell is she's being brought there and needs medical care. Can you get there?"

I heard an ambulance and strangely, it stopped in front of this house.

Jack had hung up and helped me up.

"This one's for you," he said when he noticed my face.

I wanted to say _no_. I didn't need that ambulance.

"Okay."

He told me he'd drive my car to the hospital, for which I was grateful.

* * *

I'd been in this hospital too often. My breathing sped up as I thought of Edward, who worked here.

A doctor arrived and checked me over, concluding I had an acute stress reaction, also known as a mental shock. It was common, he said, especially in cases of cardiac arrests and CPR.

I did my very best to say I was alright, but the doctor said it was best if I waited for a while longer until I left the hospital.

"Besides," he said. "Alice's family wants to meet you."

 _Fantastic._

I first noticed an elderly man and woman. The man was, I suspected, Alice's dad. He was tall, well-built and blonde. His face showed kindness. As did the woman's, who was probably Alice's mom. She wore a nice, loosely fitted dress that was white with black dots. She was tall, but that must've also been because of her high heels. Her dark hair was tied back.

They were strange looks on their faces and I tried giving them a smile from the distance. Politeness was my strongest feature. At least, when I tried.

"Hi, I'm a friend of Alice," I said.

"Friend?"

I looked to the side. A girl nearly two heads taller than me had spoken that word. Her voice was filled with confusion, and sarcasm. She was a beauty, if it weren't for her hard scoff and angry look on her face.

"Alice doesn't have any friends," she continued.

My lips parted.

"Then what am I?" I asked her, equally sarcastic. "The nanny?"

She looked taken aback and already I could tell why Alice disliked her family. I let my eyes fall over the family. A mother, a father and a sister. I could only imagine what that was like. She also had a brother, I remembered, but he wasn't here.

"Enough, Rosalie," the man said. "We want to know what happened."

"Uhm," I began awkwardly. "She called me and said she had chest pains, so I told her to call 911. I drove up to your place. She fell and I performed CPR-"

"Did I not say this could happen? Did I not?" the woman said in panic.

"Esme..." he muttered with a shake of the head.

Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie. Partly Alice's family. They hadn't even asked about my name.

"It's her anorexia! And this is the final straw!" she shrieked.

"What are we to do?" he exclaimed in frustration. "We've tried _everything_."

"Obviously not!"

"Please, _stop_ ," I said, watching them with a plea. "All she wants is your support."

"Excuse me, but who are you to lecture us?" the sister snapped. "You don't know Alice the way we do."

"I know the main thing and that is that she isn't getting the support she needs."

Yes, it was very foolish to argue with a damaged family, but I couldn't just lie down on this bed like a weak patient and not say a thing.

"Who do you think you are?" Esme said. "That is _my_ daughter! _My daughter_! Don't tell me I'm not supporting her."

"If that's true, why did she call me instead of you during her heart attack?"

Her face turned red.

The father chose this was a good moment to throw more wood in the fire.

"Whoever you are, leave now. You're not needed here."

"I can't leave," I said sarcastically. "I'm a patient."

"Alice must've found this... this... _thing_ on the internet?" the sister called loudly, watching me foully. "Didn't she? On her pro-ana websites."

She thought _I_ was _anorexic_? I was anything but!

I adored food. I could never abandon it. Besides, I had a little belly.

I chose not to argue no longer. I understood now from Alice's previous talk that her family was somehow brainwashed. Speaking to them would be like arguing with a wall.

"Choose what you want to believe," I said, dismissing them coldly.

With Alice in good hands - as far as that was possible, I was placed back in my own reality, as I thought of my options.

I could go to the police, and tell them what happened.

I could also confront Edward before I went to the police.

The worst thing to do would be to ignore it.

I picked up my phone and sent a text to Jake.

 _\- Need to go to police. Let you know when I know more. Bella_

This time he wouldn't get away with rape.

Jack came to my room one more time, to say how much he respected my quick performance and saving Alice's life.

Awkwardly saying my thanks, I asked him if I could leave. He called in the doctor for me again and finally I was discharged.

With a tight feeling in my chest, I went toward the exit of the emergency room. Jack told me he'd parked my car there. It was crowded in the waiting room and I was pushing through the people to make it to the sliding doors.

Without warning, somebody bumped into me. All air drew out of me from the impact. Something hard, an elbow I believed, hit me in the side of my face and I was ready to start a fight with whomever it was. I couldn't go through with that when I saw who'd bumped into me; Edward Cullen, pushing past people like I was, only he had a crazed look in his eyes, almost like a wild animal, walking in opposite direction. I quickly stepped out of his way, my heart already beating faster at just the sight of him and what he'd done to me.

He didn't even notice me. Walked right past me. His eyes weren't looking at the people around him. He only pushed and walked, until he vanished in the crowd.

I rubbed the side of my right eyes. His hard elbow had nearly crushed it.

When I was in my car, I heard an incoming text. I looked what it said before I started the car and drove off the police station.

 _\- Hope everything is alright!_

It didn't feel special when Jacob texted me. I should probably be glad I was finally over him.

"Hi..." I said carefully upon arriving at the desk.

My dad's presence was here. I could almost imagine him sitting behind one of the desks, sipping on a hot cup of tea and offering me some comfort during these dark times.

"I've come to report-"

I couldn't say the word as I burst out in tears.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **-2016-**

Best achievement: getting into medical school.

Last year's resolution which you didn't keep: honestly, they must've been that bad or non-existing, because I can't remember any.

Favourite song: Sia - The Greatest

Favourite movie: Zootopia

Crush on a celebrity: Dylan O'Brien


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews, I really love to read each and one of them. Here's a quick - perhaps a bit short - chapter, but I hope it's still good._

 _I'd like to add to 2016 list my f_ _avourite serial: Baby Daddy_

 _Enjoy reading!_

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

 _Incoming call  
Edward_

I stared at the name in shock. I couldn't remember putting his number in my phone. Did that happen during the black out?

Oh, this could not be good.

Several days had passed since Alice's heart attack and my report to the police. Work and strict studying helped me get through the days, but the nights were a different story. I couldn't prevent the nightmares. Most days I woke up exhausted and that didn't benefit during work. Friday, for example, I'd been the only cashier and we missed $50 dollars. Yesterday, the same thing happened and we missed another $50. Somehow, I'd miscalculated the exchange money to one of the customers without knowing. This happened to me perhaps maybe once, twice a year. But never two days in a row and that high of an amount of money.

I'd told both Mike and his father about my mistake. They were both rather surprised than angry, but that didn't take away my shame.

Friday I originally had an STD test, but I cancelled that. The police brought me to the hospital for several examinations. It took them four hours to follow some protocol and until I could go back home. The examinations included;

1\. Signs of abuse.

2\. Signs of rape.

3\. Oral, vaginal and rectal examination.

4\. STD test.

5\. Pregnancy test.

6\. Blood test.

7\. They even made me talk to a psychiatrist.

I couldn't remember much of what she said or how I replied. She wanted to know how I felt. What did that have to do with anything?

Alice had given me a few calls and texts. I'd ignored them all. Not because I chose to be a bitch on purpose. I just couldn't handle one more death after my parents died. Alice would die if she didn't heal herself. And I wasn't the right person to help her with that. Neither was her family, but that wasn't my responsibility.

Jacob, however, was a different story. We texted back and forth. I told him everything. Jacob knew it all, because I chose to tell him. It was odd, speaking to him as if no time had passed between us.

As for Angela, Leah, Mike and Seth...I told them that Edward brought me home after I walked out of the cocktail bar. They believed me.

Exactly a week had passed since the one-night stand.

I'd been told _nothing_ about the police whether I could or couldn't speak to him. I hadn't been told anything, really. As far as I knew, they'd forgotten about me.

A bad feeling struck me like lightning and I decided to pick up.

I did it, despite my better judgement.

"H-Hi," I said.

It was curt and quick. I wanted to keep this conversation just that; curt and quick.

"Hello," I heard, an equally curt and quick answer.

Nothing else. Nothing more. One hello and awkward silence. His voice was a lot more confident than mine.

I pressed my lips on each other.

Picking up the phone had been a bad idea after all.

When he finally decided to speak, the comment made no sense.

"Should I give you the benefit of the doubt?"

"What?" I exclaimed dumbly.

"Come on! I want to know why you told the police you thought you were..."

I swear I heard a groan, which sounded angry and frustrated.

The police had contacted him. I didn't know they'd do that.

It felt a lot like they'd gone behind my back.

"I found it," I said defensively. "I know what you did."

"What the hell are you talking about now?"

Curtly, I said, "Your. Criminal. Record."

Even though we were just on the phone, I felt a tension sharper than a knife. I was glad he didn't speak, because I needed a moment myself to find my voice back.

At some point I was certain he would come over and kill me. My heart pounded faster at the random thought. He wouldn't...would he?

 _Manslaughter..._

He did it once.

"You looked me up?" he asked.

There was anger in his voice. But then he laughed.

"What's so funny?" I snapped with tears in my eyes. "You tried to fucking r-"

"You had no right looking into my criminal record! You believe you know everything about me now, huh?"

My hand went up and pressed my mouth shut.

For one, attempted rape was exactly what it meant. How dare he try to make up excuses for it? Nothing in the world could condemn such behaviour.

As for the second, I cursed.

 _I'm becoming my mother._

But I would never be the woman who killed herself over a lost love. _Never_. I would never be that weak.

My fingers pressed my phone tightly. The other was balled into a fist.

"Turned out to be a very good thing that I did. You won't get away with this."

I thought of an innocent girl, being assaulted, being killed, and almost raped, by Edward. Or maybe there were several people. I didn't know the entire situation, but I knew more than enough.

"Neither will you," he snapped.

 _What was that supposed to mean...?_

"If you're saying what I _think_ your insinuating..." I muttered.

Again, that laugh, only now it frightened me.

 _Manslaughter..._

He could to it again.

"Sweetheart, you've lost. Quit whatever the fuck you're doing."

I exhaled loudly at the term of endearment. But that other thing he said weighed perhaps a bit more.

"Lost?" I repeated in a small voice.

This time, I heard a low chuckle.

"The police hasn't called you yet?" he asked with an obvious smile, because I could hear it in his voice.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why did you lie to the police?" he asked.

"I didn't! You should be put behind bars."

"If that's true, would you like to join cells? Last time I checked, falsely accusing a person to a police officer carries a form of penalty."

"If that's true, why am I still out on the streets instead of jail? Oh, let's see, maybe because I didn't lie!"

"Or maybe because the police believes that you're emotionally damaged. Did you know, even a mother that kills her own new-born is usually not sent to prison. Just the psychiatric hospital."

I had a dire need to scream at him.

" _What_?!" I asked. "Are you comparing me to a mother that killed her new-born child?"

"I'm saying I can't blame the mentally ill. Good luck."

"With what?"

"Life."

I put my phone down when I heard a beep, indicating the end of our call. He'd hung up.

I sent a text to Jacob. I did it in desperation.

 _\- He called. He said I lost, but the police haven't even called me yet. What does that mean? How can a psycho work as a psychiatrist?! He should be fired! FIRED!_

He never sent one back.

* * *

Monday the police called.

They said there were no signs of physical harm on my body. Upon checking if force was used, such as tender areas or bruises, non of those signs were there. The pelvic examination came out negative.

Since I had no recollection of the night, they took three samples; mouth, vagina and rectum. None were found with traces with of sperm of semen, indicating the condom was carefully used. Or that all signs were washed away during my shower.

They checked finger nail scrapings. Everything was clean.

Lastly came my blood test. Thankfully, I was cleared of any STD's. And any drugs related to date rape drugs. I hadn't been drugged.

The police found nothing and told me it was likely I'd mistaken something false for reality. They told me it didn't happen often, but it did happen.

If something, _anything_ , was found, I could start a legal procedure. But what lawyer would help me with a blank sheet and a girl that had no memory of the night. The fragments which I did remember, weren't of any use either.

I lost.

Just like Edward said I did.

* * *

"I honestly don't mind, Mike," I said.

In the upcoming week that passed, I took more working hours and days to help me forget. I wanted to, because in five more days, I'd have to spend the dreadful Christmas Eve alone, crying and breaking apart. If I could make myself just very tired, maybe I could collapse that day into a long sleep and wake up on the 25th of December.

"Bella, you should go home! You look so exhausted-"

"I'm fine!" I said, pushing him away from the counter. "You need to get your but to your evening class."

"Bella, I-"

"It's okay," I said with a smile. "Honestly."

He shook his head.

"Have some coffee," he said weakly.

I'd been drinking coffee like a dried-up person would drink water under the flaming sun.

As I was almost about the close the shop, I recognized Angela by her dark hair. She glanced around nervously.

"Hi," she said with a smile.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Alright. You?"

"Same. I...haven't seen you in weeks."

I nodded.

"Do you think maybe we could...hang? Unless you're busy, of course."

I carefully nodded and offered her a smile.

"I'm almost finished. What would you like? Coffee, cappuccino...?"

"I could really do with hot chocolate."

"And marshmallows. Don't forget those."

She smiled and walked around the counter, giving me a tight hug.

"I've missed you, Bella. I'm sorry for-"

"I know," I said quickly. "Me too."

"Truly," she said, pulling away. "Are you alright? What on earth is this bruise beside your eye? And you look like you haven't slept in days..."

"Oh," I said, surprised she could even see the bruise. "Some guy, or actually, you now him, Dr. Cullen. He bumped into me, but he didn't even see me. It was very crowded and I suppose his elbow hit my face."

She looked at me with wide eyes, clearly confused.

"Do you have time?" I asked with tears in my eyes. "It's a very tall story."

"As much as you need."

We sat in the closed café, both with a hot chocolate in. I'd placed all the pastries in front of us, which were too many.

"I lied," I started. "When I said that Edward drove me home."

I told her everything, from the moment I left our table angrily to Jacob until my last phone call with the police.

Angela listened quietly, but often she wiped away tears.

"I can't believe you went through all that without telling me! I would've been there for you. I would've given you support. But it's alright. I'm glad you told me now."

"I thought, if I don't say it, I might be able to..."

"Forget it?" she offered.

"Yeah," I sighed. "But that's not how it works, is it?"

"How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"I haven't given Edward much thought, except that I can't understand how it can be so messed up that the police let's him walk away. But I also _can_ understand because what's a case with no evidence? They checked my body, my blood, my insides, everything... My body was clean. I get the police, but..."

I shrugged, unable to make something out of it.

"I don't understand either," she said. "Could it be that he didn't rape you?"

I never thought about _that_.

"It could be," I said. "I don't know, Angela. It's too much to bear, you know? Because he did almost do it once, to another girl."

"Could you ask him?" she said.

"About the details of the event? No, no. Absolutely not. I can't. Let's switch subject."

Before I went mad.

Angela looked away briefly, then asked, "Have you heard from Alice?"

"Some, but not for a while now, no. It's not that I want to push her away, but...she died, briefly. I was so scared."

"I understand. It was very brave of you, to resuscitate her. Not many people have that capacity in them."

Angela was the second to call me brave for what I did.

I couldn't see any bravery in it. I did it, because if I didn't do anything, she'd die for sure. I was petrified. I was that much in shock, that I didn't even hear the ambulance arrive or any other sound for that matter. I'd been caught up in that moment, almost lost, just like my mother was lost in her own world.

I didn't want to become my mother. I wondered if the universe allowed children to not become their parents.

"Thanks for coming over, Angela."

"Thanks for having me."

"Would you mind...not telling the others about this? It's just-"

"No need to explain, Bella. I won't spread the word. Promise."

She helped me clean up the last things.

"How's Mike?" she asked.

"He's good. He had his evening class today."

"Yes, he's taking a management course. It's his fifth now. He has an exam in three weeks."

I stopped cleaning and _really_ looked at Angela for the first time. Especially when she spoke like that. Even I didn't know that much detail about Mike.

"Oh, really?" I asked, trying to see if she would continue.

"Yes, he wants to take over the business someday, but has plans to expand the business. It takes some knowledge, and evening classes are the best to combine with his morning and afternoon shifts."

I couldn't stop my smile as I saw for the first time something that was obviously there.

"What is it?" she asked when she saw my grin.

"You like Mike."

"What?" she shrieked. "Don't be ridiculous."

"You like him," I said. "You know more about him than he probably does."

Her cheeks turned red and she turned her back to me.

"It's okay, though. Mike's a great guy."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Does he like you as well?"

"I don't know, but I..."

She took a deep breath and turned back around.

"I thought, maybe there's something going on between him and you?"

"Mike and me?" I asked with a laugh. "No. Double no. Triple no. He's like my brother."

"I always had a feeling he liked you a little, but maybe I'm wrong."

I really hoped she was wrong. I wasn't in the mood to reject a guy, especially a colleague.

We parted ways and I arrived home. After a shower, I glanced at my clean face. Without make-up, my face seemed even more tired and unwell. There were dark spots under my eyes. The bruise on my temple was fading, as was the one on my shoulder. As it faded, I felt like I could finally move past the one-night stand and everything that followed that.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N:**_ _Woops! I'd forgotten to add in the story description which characters play in this story. I've added it now, but for the ones who hadn't figured it out yet; this is a BellaxEdward story! With a promised HEA :)_

 _Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, my readers, have a Happy New Year! and enjoy this read!_

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

The telephone of the apartment went when I was looking in my fridge for some food. I picked it up, thinking to myself it was most likely kids playing around.

"Hello," I said.

"Hey."

"Alice?" I said strangely.

Weeks had passed since I last saw her.

"Hey," she repeated with a shaking voice.

I pressed the button beside the telephone and heard a buzz, indicating that the public door downstairs opened. With no further comments, I let her inside.

My living room was a mess. There was nothing I could do about that now.

I opened the front door and glanced around. A small girl slowly approached, with a large bag and two crutches helping her broken foot. I did notice that the cast was smaller now and she could put her foot on the ground. She wore a new cast. This one only covered her foot and ankle. That must've felt a lot better than that large, heavy thing she wore in the beginning.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you call me?" I asked.

"I wasn't sure...you'd want me to. But I didn't know where else to go."

"Come, let's get you inside. It's freezing out here."

I took her bag from her and nearly tumbled over at the weight of it. When she was inside, I led her to the couch where we both sat. I placed her bag next to her on the floor. I noticed her basic clothing; black sweats and an oversized grey sweater.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I thought you were my friend," she said with tears in her eyes. "But why weren't you there when I woke up after surgery?"

 _Surgery?_

I didn't know they did surgery on her. I looked at the table and saw my phone. It was just in case I needed it _again_ for calling 911.

"Why did you never visit? I found _zero_ missed calls on my phone. Why didn't you even send me something as small as a text? Why didn't you respond? _Anything_ would have been okay."

I watched her with shame deep inside my heart. I could tell my lack in response really hurt her feelings.

"I don't know, Alice. Your parents hate me. Your sister mocked me. Your heart stopped and I thought you died. I remained in the distance."

"Why?" she nearly yelled. "I only needed you. They drove me crazy, all of them! I didn't know what else to do but...run away from them."

"Oh, Alice, please don't say you ran away from the hospital," I said in worry.

"No, I've been at the house for a week now. I couldn't take it anymore. They're all caught up with some scandal involving my brother. He was fired from the hospital and you know what? I don't care! That's what I told him. I was just so...angry at all of them. They don't even explain to me what's happening."

I noticed how she called her home _the house_. She didn't see of it as her home.

"You can stay here, Alice," I said. "But they must be so worried."

"That's not true. All they do all day long is scream at me. They keep reminding me of all my mistakes. And if they're not doing that, they're secretly making calls and talking about suing someone. And when I ask, they don't answer. Can you imagine what's that like? Being left in the dark, just because you're the youngest."

I scoffed at the very odd situation at her home.

"You're twenty-three, Alice. You're allowed to yell back at them. Tell them they shouldn't treat you like that. Perhaps they're not even aware of their behaviour."

"They're crazy."

"Nobody's perfect, Alice. Especially not when you're a parent and your child has anorexia."

She looked away angrily.

"You had a heart attack, Alice. I don't believe it happened because of a genetic disorder. Because that could be a reason, but-"

"They checked. My genes are okay."

I was surprised to hear they actually checked her genes, but with rich parents, I assumed any parent would want to know if it's genetic or not.

"I'm not teaming up with anyone, "I said. "When I gave you your blood thinners, I saw your stomach and how very thin you are. To be honest, I was afraid...a coward to contact you. I didn't know how to act around you, what to say. What if I make you sicker?"

"Stop it!"

"What if you die...again?"

"Don't say that!"

"What if that is my fault?"

"It's not!"

"It's the truth, Alice," I sniffed, my own eyes turning wet. "I'll let you stay here for tonight. But you have to go back home tomorrow. Because I don't know how to be a good friend to you. I don't know anything about anorexia. All I know is how to eat healthy but I can't force you to follow my lead."

She didn't seem to have the want of energy to argue with me.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked her politely. "Water, tea? Do you need to take a shower? I have clean towels."

"If I eat... then can we be friends?" she asked slowly, dismissing the things I offered her.

My heart melted when she asked that.

" _Yes_ , Alice, of course. But not just eating. It's about wanting to get healthy and realizing this lifestyle is not good for you."

"I can try," she said, turning her teary eyes to me. "Does that count?"

I leaned forward and gave her a tight hug.

"I missed you," I muttered.

"Nobody understands," she said with tears running down her face. "Nobody hears the voice."

"What voice?"

"I hear a voice, constantly, in my head. It never stops. I would do anything for it to stop."

"What...does the voice tell you?"

"It tells me to _never_ eat. That I'll only get fat."

"I'm sorry."

I looked at her petit frame and wondered how on earth she saw herself as fat.

"Can I check something?" I asked her. "Your pulse?"

"Uh, yeah, sure..." she said with a scowl.

I took her hand, pressed my fingers against her wrist and started counting as I looked at my clock across the room.

"I can't agree or disagree with that voice in your head. That's something between you and that voice. But I can read your body and state facts. For example, in medical terms, you currently have bradycardia. It means slow hear rate. On average, someone's heart rate should be 60-100 beats a minute. Yours is thirty-three."

"That's...bad?" she asked.

"It's dangerous," I said. "Your heart has problems with its electrical system. That explains the heart attack. They electricity stopped. Therefor you needed adrenaline. You were lucky your heart restarted."

She was quiet so I went back to my fridge and pulled out one onion, a clove of garlic, an eggplant, a red bell pepper, tomatoes and a zucchini. This would do.

I washed the vegetables, put them in a bowl and brought them to the table in front of the couch.

"Food isn't the enemy, you know? As far as I know, vegetables carry almost zero calories. Your bowels appreciate the fibres. Your organs, skin, bones, teeth and hair needs the vitamins and minerals. Your brain needs the glucose for energy. As do your muscles."

I turned the side table in front of us into a small kitchen counter.

"I was going do to something very silly," I admitted. "I was going to watch the animation Ratatouille and make the dish."

She only scowled.

"You know, the one with the rat and a wish to cook?"

She shook her head.

"No! You have to watch this movie."

I put it on the television and looked up the animation on my shared account with Angela on Netflix. It was ironic to watch the movie with somebody as anorexic as Alice. She watched with various expressions on her face.

We watched the movie as we cut the vegetables and some herbs, and placed them in a large bowl. I sprinkled some salt on the top. When she had her eyes fixated on the television, I added a generous amount of olive oil, afraid she wouldn't want to eat _at all_ if you knew I added oil.

It took the entire thing maybe thirty minutes to cook. In the meantime, we'd reached the part where the Remy saw his fellow rats hang on rattraps by their necks.

I shuddered, remembering Edward and his crimes.

"Whatever happened with that guy? Did you go to the police?"

It felt like we had the same mind, which was shocking. I wondered what triggered Alice to bring that up now.

I looked away and closed my eyes tightly.

"Bella?"

"I went to the police. I told them that I knew that he had a criminal record. I had to go to the hospital for several examinations. Few days later they called me back. They concluded that he couldn't have possibly raped me."

"What?" Alice shrieked. "With an attempted rape on his record?"

I shook my head, still not understanding it myself.

"What else did they say? I thought a doctor tested you."

"Yes. The police told me that the physical examination showed nothing and that my blood was clean."

"That stinks! I'm going to go to the police myself."

"It's no use," I said with a soft shake of my head. "Let it rest."

She watched me strangely.

"Isn't this bothering you?" she asked.

"Yes, of course, but what else can there be done? I can't start a trial with no evidence."

"It sucks," she said.

"I've been in touch with Jacob," I confessed. "I told him about what I thought, and that I told the police. And the investigation."

"Oh."

"I haven't told him yet about my last talk with the police. I should tell him. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have even known about that creep. He's been sending me a text _every day_ and each time I lie, saying the police is still investigating."

"Why?"

"I guess because I'm hoping they still are. But I should tell him the truth. And accept the reality."

"Yeah...the text could be as short as; police say everything's okay. Thanks for your help."

I sent him that text.

Strangely, I didn't receive one back.

I grabbed two plates, knives and forks, and placed them on the table. I took out the hot ratatouille which smelled amazing.

"You don't have to eat," I said.

I didn't want to be that person who made people uncomfortable by forcing them to do something.

"I don't know," she said honestly.

"Do you think I'm fat?" I asked her bluntly.

"No, absolutely not. You're beautiful."

"Let me tell you this, then. I'm going to eat probably half of this dish. And I eat equally large amount of food every day. This is how my body looks like after eating those amounts."

"Really?" she asked. "You don't gain weight?"

"I don't gain anything. And don't let me get started on all the _unhealthy_ food I eat whenever I can't wait between meals."

She seemed doubtful for a moment.

"I don't want to come between you and that voice," I said, scooping up the vegetables on my plate. "But don't you think, that despite my nasty behaviour in the last weeks, I might also be telling the truth?"

She looked at my plate, then picked up hers and added of the dish on her plate. It was very little, but more than I could've ever imagined.

"I saw what you did," she said after taking a small bite. "With the oil."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay," she said. "I get it."

* * *

Next day I had a full shift, which Alice said she honestly didn't mind. I however, did mind.

I filled two mugs with orange juice and made several slices of toast. I buttered them all and found some jam, marmalade and cheese.

She only took a few sips of the juice and ate maybe half a toast with cheese. Again, it was a lot more than I dreamed she'd eat.

"Please help yourself with whatever you need. Clean towels are in my closet. Use my laptop, I have Netflix. And...eat, if you get hungry."

I felt silly saying the last part.

She didn't look like I said something stupid, but smiled kindly and wished me luck at work.

After explaining to Mike that I had an unexpected visitor, he smiled widely.

"Take all the time off you need!" he said.

After our talk yesterday, when he believed I worked too much, this was probably the best new for him to hear. He let me go after just two hours of work.

I texted Alice I would be back around eleven. Together, we went to the supermarket, especially because last night, we'd finished all the vegetables. I was low on bread and diary as well.

"Do you have plans for Christmas?" she asked.

"Some," I said. "You?"

"My parents make a big deal out of it each year. My brother's birthday is on the 24th, which they celebrate this year in a big castle just a few miles outside of Forks. They rented it for the night as well, so all guests can stay and sleep over, so that we'll spend Christmas together."

"Not a fan of big parties?" I asked. "Or just the holidays."

"I like both. Just not _them_."

I smiled sadly as we went to the cashier with a full chart of food.

"You do eat a lot," she said with a giggle.

Before I could even hand the cashier some cash, Alice had already paid with her card.

"As a thank you," she explained. "For your hospitality."

"You didn't have to," I said with a sigh.

As we went to my car, I explained, "I love food. My mother taught me most of it. My dad used to fish a lot and bring fresh fish with him. And we always ate together, which was nice."

Once, I did have a real family and a nice one. It was shocking how it could all end so quick.

"You know, if you ever want to talk about it..." she offered quietly.

I still hadn't told Alice about my parents and their deaths.

"Maybe someday," I said.

We lunched on a soup, again homemade. Alice did most of the work as I cleaned the apartment a little. It was a little spicy and upon asking, she said she added cayenne pepper.

"Good choice," I said. "My dad used to say that soup isn't food. I understand what he meant. I'm still hungry."

I looked in my fridge and wasn't sure what I was in the mood for.

"I haven't had eggs in ages," Alice commented.

"Eggs it is," I said. "How do you like them?"

She shrugged with a scowl.

"You know what, why don't you improvise while I finish cleaning. I'm almost done. Can you make four eggs?"

After vacuuming my room and jamming my last load of laundry in the washing machine downstairs, I walking into the apartment, smelling cooked eggs. I was glad she didn't burn them, because for a second I wondered if she knew how to cook eggs.

She'd already divided the eggs on two plates, one had a lot more than the other, but I was still glad that she was eating small amounts of food.

After taking a few bites, it took me a while to realize the peculiar taste.

"Cayenne pepper," she said. "I always wondered what it would taste like after watching Black Snake Moan."

I dropped my fork on my plate.

"You've watched Black Snake Moan?" I exclaimed in shock.

"Yeah, it's one of my favourites."

I vaguely remembered Christina Ricci's malnourished frame in the movie, but hoped that wasn't the only reason Alice watched the movie. It couldn't be, if she made the comment about cayenne pepper just now.

"That's one of my favourites as well," I said. "I never thought I'd ever meet someone who saw that movie, because of all the negative reviews it received. It was actually one of my dad's favourites, but it rubbed off on me as well."

The eggs were good. It was the first thing Alice finished completely on her plate.

"You were speaking about your brother's birthday. You know it's the 24th this Saturday."

"I know," she said.

"Are you planning to go?"

She looked at me for a moment when her eyes suddenly lit up with new energy.

"I will, if you'll join me."

I sighed and thought of her request. How could I go, if her family hated me?

It made me wonder about something.

"Have you contacted them yet?" I asked. "Or are they worried sick about your whereabouts?"

She looked away guiltily, which answered my question.

"It's alright," I said. "I've met them and I know they're difficult to get around with."

"You've met them?!" she asked with a mouth that almost dropped on the floor.

"Yes, that day in the hospital. I was in a _mental shock_ and your parents and your sister came to see me. But..."

"What did they say?" she asked with dread in her voice.

"They thought I was anorexic and that you found me on a pro-ana website," I said with a sarcastic smile.

She dropped her head in her hands and shook it.

"I'm so sorry!" she said.

"It's alright. In their weird, twisty minds, I suppose they said it because they really love you."

She groaned in response.

"If you let one of your parents know about your whereabouts, I'll join you to the party. _And_ I really need you to tell your parents you're bringing _me_ with you."

She looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"I don't mind letting them know I'm bringing you, but I can't give them your address. They'll be here whitin a minute after me sending that text."

"Alright. Just let them know you're safe and that you're coming to the party with me."

"But if I tell them I'm coming with you, they will figure out I'm with you and find your address via a FBI detective or who knows."

I took a deep breath as I pondered the other options.

"Can you then just simply let them know you're safe. And end it with, see you Saturday."

It was probably best if the family that hated me didn't know I was joining Alice for the party.

When dinner time arrived, Alice couldn't do anything. She was panicking.

I tried everything to calm her down.

"What if I ate too much?" she asked.

"I don't know," I muttered helplessly.

"I'll get fat!"

"Keep a journal," I said. "Write it down."

"Write what down?"

"The foods you eat. The calories you consume. Write them down. That way you'll know how much you ate. Whenever that voice comes to talk to you, have a conversation with her. Show her that journal and explain to her...that you ate to nourish your body. Tell her about _me_. You see how much I eat and I don't gain weight."

She nodded quickly.

Before we cooked, I found an empty notebook and gave it to her. I helped her write down everything she'd eaten thus far, starting with the ratatouille. Alice knew nearly how many calories all foods had, which both shocked and impressed me. She wasn't precise, because whenever something was for example 82 calories, she rounded it up to 90.

As we finished, it turned out that yesterday she'd consumed 210 calories. Today there were 330 calories.

The amount of food seemed like a lot, like all the different vegetables, but in reality, the caloric consumption was low.

"What do these values say to you?" I asked her.

"I don't know yet," she said.

"Can I write in it as well?" I asked her.

I began and wrote down all the foods I eaten yesterday and today.

Alice helped me with the number of calories, because I had no clue. In total, yesterday I ate 2300 calories and today 1900. Including dinner and desert, I would get well over 2400.

 _Yikes._

"And now?" I asked her.

"That you've eaten more. Or...I've eaten less?"

"Hmm."

"Did you really eat that much?" she asked.

 _My thought exactly._

I knew I ate a lot, but I didn't know I ate _that_ much.

"You were there, right?" I said.

She nodded and looked at me with something of awe in her eyes.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm feeling better."

 _What did I do?_

I sat perplexed on the couch as she worked in the kitchen slowly. I didn't even know I'd done something, except point out a few facts.

I should probably get up and help her, but it was cute to see her reading behind a packet of raw beef how to cook it.

"Three minutes each side for medium," she said. "Medium okay with you?"

"Absolutely."

She was learning and maybe, just maybe she could get well again.

Maybe that was all she needed. To see those facts and draw her own conclusions.

"If I eat one of these steaks, I'd get 300 calories inside. That's not even a quarter of what you eat in a day," she quipped.

I myself found it possible to smile at the notion that I indeed ate like a pig. I rather want to see her smile about something as silly as that then to see her lose her mind about the possibility that she ate too much.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** thanks for reading and reviewing! I love all the response.

I wrote this chap on my mobile which is not a recommendation. Sorry if there are any errors.

Enjoy.

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up. I assumed she received a text.

"My brother," she murmured. "He wants to know where I am. I didn't even text _him_. I texted my dad. I sometimes wish I didn't have any siblings!"

"I haven't. I think it would get lonely sometimes if you didn't have them anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't, but...can you imagine life without them?"

"I suppose you're right. I just wish they wouldn't constantly check up on me."

"I get it," I said. "It's up to the point where it's suffocating."

" _Exactly._ "

"Maybe someday you can tell them that."

She sighed and shook her head. Probably disagreeing with me.

"Can I ask..." she said softly, "how your parents died?"

"Oh...uhm...my dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was thirteen. His heart stopped two years later. My mom committed suicide."

From the look on Alice's face I could tell she didn't expect that.

As the words were out, I realized something. It wasn't so hard to say it. I always kept my parents death to myself.

Except today. And another day...? Was it true...?

A memory appeared before my eyes.

 _"My dad, he died on Christmas Eve," I blurted out._

 _He stopped walking. I took a step forward so I wouldn't see his face as I spoke, quite monotonously._

 _"He was home. Watching television. My mother and I were in the kitchen. Baking a cake. When I went to the living room to dad, his chin was down on his chest, but his eyes were wide open. They were...void of life. Empty of any emotion. I knew he was dead. I was scared to touch him, but I did it anyway to close his eyes."_

 _I took a deep breath because I ran out of it, and continued quickly. I was halfway there._

 _"My mother freaked out. She shook him, tried to wake him. I couldn't watch. I ran out, away, into the forest. But it was too cold to stay there for long. For a few days, it was just her and I. A lot of her friends and mine came to visit, but my mother threw them all out. Which is really embarrassing for a fifteen year old."_

 _He appeared in front of me with a blank look on his face that made me shudder._

 _I wondered what he was thinking, but decided I needed to finish the story. Even if it was ugly._

 _"My mother never cursed, but when dad died, she knew the entire vocabulary to curse words. Most of the time, when she cursed, it was directed to objects and stuff. Other times..."_

 _I showed him an ugly scar near my right wrist, but I was unable to tell him why it was there. He only watched it briefly._ _His eyes returned on mine._

 _"She committed suicide a week after dad died."_

 _I stopped talking abruptly and wiped away the tears. I still had to finish the story, but how could I if it seemed like I was talking to a wall?_

 _"They left you unexpectedly," he said at last, quietly._

 _My eyes shut when he said that. That was very true. Their departure had been the hardest, because it was unexpected._

 _His small acknowledgement that he was not in fact a wall gave me the will to give him the grand finale._

 _"Whenever I hear somebody curse, or make a suicide joke, I feel a shiver inside my body which I can't explain. Perhaps..."_

 _On second thought, I was crazy. Telling him what I thought would end badly. He was a psychiatrist! He judged on facts and was taught by a book._

 _Not that I was religious, but I had a feeling that Edward was anything but._

 _He took all my breath away with the touch of his fingers brushing against my wet cheek. His fingers were cold, yet soothing. It was too unexpected._

 _Crazy or not, I told him my theory._

 _"I'm not sure if I believe..._ _in heaven and hell. But sometimes I think she's in limbo. Haunting me. I don't know why my mother would do that. If it's even true. But why else would stuff like... cursing... depressing jokes... my full name... and pet names... bother me that much?"_

"Are you alright, Bella? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I might as well have seen a ghost. What on earth possessed me to tell Edward Cullen about my parents in _that much_ detail?

I must've truly lost my mind that night.

"I'm alright," I said. "Clothes."

"Clothes?"

"Yes, what will we wear on the 24th? It's a party after all." _And the day dad died._

But Alice didn't know that and I thought it was best to keep that to myself.

"We could go shopping," she said.

"Let's," I agreed.

* * *

At the stores our options were very limited. I found a yellow dress that was too inappropriate for a birthday party. Perhaps it was more suitable for a girl in a bar, looking for a one night stand. Even so, it cost $269.99 which was ridiculous.

I wondered if any of the clothing here cost a normal amount of money. This store wasn't the one I would normally go to.

I was jamming the dress back between all other clothes with a groan.

"What do think you're doing?" Alice asked, taking the dress from me and watching it with sparkling eyes. "Oh, this is good."

"You think?" I asked skeptically.

Alice was shorter than I. If she wore it, perhaps the fit would be better without risking either her boobs or butt appearing for the sight of inappropriate eyes.

"You would look so hot in this!" she said.

She threw it over her arm.

"Sorry? Me? I thought we were searching for a dress for you."

"That too," she said distractedly.

She was off, never giving me the chance to explain that even if I liked that dress, I could never afford it.

This was her party so I let her search, choose and try on countless of dresses. Each one was more inappropriate as the one she wore before.

She'd taken two of the yellow dresses and made me wear it. In the changing room we stood opposite each other. I had trouble keeping all body parts inside the tiny dress. It was a tight fit, leaving nothing to the imagination.

On Alice it stood very wide. Despite the size zero.

"Just high heels and you're perfect," she said cheerfully.

I looked at myself in the mirror to find her view. I couldn't find it.

"You're kidding, Alice. Right?"

"No."

"If I bend over, the person in front of me will see my boobs and the person behind me will see my butt."

She scrunched up her nose when she replied, "Why would you bend over?"

I explained that I had a dress. It was the one I wore on my forgotten night. I could wear it again.

She agreed quickly and bought the yellow dress for herself. With a credit-card. Which was most likely not hers.

* * *

I received a letter, which said that Dr. Edward Cullen was suing me for something about breaching the law of privacy and handing false accusations to the police.

On the 24th I was expected to show up in court.

On Christmas Eve!

This wasn't happening. It couldn't. That was two days from now.

It was hard enough that I agreed to go to a party on the day my dad died. But a court as well as a party?

I knew next to nothing about law. I called the number on top of the letter. I arranged an appointment for tomorrow with a lawyer, which luckily cost me nothing. And we talked.

Afterwards, I felt more confused than before that appointment. I explained to my lawyer all that I knew, but he was very...basic. He was given to me for free after all, and that would probably be the end of me.

All I knew was that I mustn't, under any circumstance, speak or seek contact with Edward Cullen. I was to ignore him if he started a conversation. Not a word could be passed between us unless my lawyer was present.

I thought about telling all of this to Alice. Instead I lied to her when I went to meet my lawyer, telling her that Mike needed me at work for a few hours.

She was ill and I didn't want her to become caught up in my own personal troubles. It was best if she didn't know about the mess that was my life.

Neither did I mention any of this to Jacob. For some reason, I didn't have a good feeling about him.

* * *

"Alice?" I said. "What time does the party start tomorrow?"

"12 till well after midnight."

"12?" I asked with a scowl. "Noon?"

"Yeah," she said with a laugh. "But most people arrive later because not everyone has the stamina to stay at a party for that long."

I had to be in court at three.

"I have a small... problem," I began. "I have to be someplace at three... something came up."

"Oh God, you're ditching me! You're bailing-"

"No, Alice, I would never. We can still arrive at noon, but you'll have to forgive me for leaving around two. And I'll come back as soon as I'm finished. Or we could both go in the evening instead."

She nodded and her face seemed very relieved.

"What will you do? Secret Christmas shopping?" she joked.

I shut my eyes for a moment as she reminded me of Christmas presents.

"Alice, I have completely forgotten to buy gifts, for anyone!"

"I'm joking, Bella! The best gift you could ever given me was allowing me in your home. I'm super grateful. Have I ever even thanked you?"

"You're very welcome," I said. "But it's hardly a Christmas present."

"If it makes you feel better, I won't get you anything either."

I smiled and was grateful she didn't push me into telling her where I had to be tomorrow at three.

"We could go at noon," I said. "Maybe it'll be better to go there early before most people have arrived. It'll be a shock for your family to see you after your absence for so long."

"Alright," she agreed with obvious reluctance.

* * *

It had been several days the last time I spent time on studying. So when Alice began her beauty sleep at already nine - and she begged me to sleep as well in the hopes of healing the bags under my eyes overnight, I instead studied until the clock hit almost four and I dropped on bed in exhaustion.

An awful dream haunted me that night. A thousand birds attacked me hard and fast, suffocating me until I slowly felt life drain out of me.

I awoke with a gasp at the sound of the radio, coming from my bed. Alice slept in it, as I was perfectly comfortable on the couch.

"Alice..." I muttered when I saw it was only six in the morning.

Thankfully the noise ended so that I could sleep some more in silence.

"Bella, wake up! It's time for our power breakfast! And-"

"Alice..." I moaned in pain. "I'm sleepy. Why are you up so early?"

"To get ready of course! We only have six hours."

Where did she collect her energy from, I wondered.

"Alright, you sleep for just one more hour, okay? I'll take a shower and cook us breakfast."

That being said I was gone before she'd even entered the bathroom.

Time is a funny thing when you sleep. You can't remember the amount that's passed. Sometimes it feels like you've slept for says. other times, you might as well have slept for only five minutes. That's what it felt like to me when Alice's music awoken me once again. This time however, I smelt coffee, waffles and shampoo.

She brought a cup of coffee for me and a glass with juice for herself. And she brought on a large plate at least ten warm waffles. In a bowl she'd cut fruits.

"I followed one of your recipes," she said, snapping a picture with her fancy iPhone.

It was another way for her to track how much she ate. If it made her comfortable, who was I to object?

"Looks and smells amazing," I said tiredly and completely unhungry.

But for the fact that she'd baked this for me, I ate three of the waffles with some fruit. I was surprised to see Alice eat the double amount. Usually, she ate less or exactly the same as I.

She spoke quickly about make-up, hair and the clothes which she had already placed on a neat pile; her outfit and mine.

I only nodded tiredly and completely trusted she'd do a fine job on both of us.

She probably didn't even notice the amount of food she was eating and that felt pleasantly good. It was a good road to recovery.

"I should get shower as well."

I let the hot water soothe my aching, tired muscles. Tears which I could not stop in time fell and mixed with the water.

Today, it was the day dad died.

Today I was forced into a trial, sued for something which was still vague. I would enter a courtroom, feeling unprepared and scared.

Today, unfortunately, I would see Edward Cullen.

Mostly, I was exhausted from everything. All my energy was taken from me.

I had plans for today. Sleep and wake up on the 25th. I wanted to skip this day and pretend it never happened. But then the universe threw Alice to me.

And Edward. With his lies. I didn't breach any laws.

I told myself to stop thinking about it. I cried, I pittied myself and now life continued. Soon enough it would be three o'clock anyway.

Something was different in my bathroom. The shampoo I normally used was gone. As was my conditioner and shower cream. In fact, everything was replaced, even my toothbrush.

Everything looked a lot more fancy. And very expensive.

Afterwards the heavy but pleasant scent of strawberry lingered in my hair. I wrapped myself in my bathrobe and entered the living room.

"Where are all my shower stuff?" I asked Alice.

"That shampoo of yours is a very bad detergent-like fluid that kills your hair. I bought you some of my products. Did you like them?"

I noticed she was wearing my red dress, instead of that slutty yellow dress.

"They're great, but what have you done to my shampoo?" I asked, but wondering if she put on my dress by mistake.

"I poured it all through the drain. It was very satisfactory."

I pointed at her and asked, "I thought you were wearing the yellow one."

"I know."

"Do you mean, you don't want the yellow one anymore? You can wear the red one, it's alright. I can search if I have anything else suitable for a party."

"You don't," she said.

She picked up the yellow one and handed it to me.

"I bought it for you. Merry Christmas, Bella."

My lips parted, but I was unable to speak. The gesture was heart melting, but the dress...

"I know you hate the dress, Bella. I'm not blind. But my family has been so unkind to you. I want all eyes to turn on you today."

I took the dress carefully and couldn't prevent a smile.

"I'm quite shy," I said. "What if I don't want all eyes turned on me?"

"Shy," she said. "I noticed from all the clothes in your closet."

Then her eyes widened. Her hand slapped her mouth shut.

"I can't believe I said that. I meant, you have very basic clothes, except for this one dress."

"It's fine Alice. You didn't offend me. I'm still thunderstruck at this very generous present. You told me you wouldn't buy me anything."

"Technically, I didn't, because by then I already bought this dress. Oh please, Bella. Wear the dress."

Carefully I agreed and she squeaked.

"Awesome! But first make-up to keep the dress clean."

I sat down and watched her collect too many products.

"Will you please not turn me into a Barbie doll?"

In response, she laughed.

She was quiet as she worked. Whenever she didn't order me to shut my eyes, I looked at her as she worked with great concentration. Everything she applied was branded.

Next she found a curling iron in her bag and added curls in my wavy hair. I was curious to see her progress thus far.

"How's it going?" I asked.

"I think I'll add a braid, like a head band. It would be beautiful with the curls."

She finished with braiding some of my hair on top of my head. She tightened it with bobby pins. I felt her pull apart my braid, a technique I knew. It made the braid larger and prettier.

"First wear the dress before you look in the mirror," she demanded. "And all the correct accessories I added."

She handed me light blue T-straps shoes with open toes, and...light blue lingerie.

"Alice?"

"You have to feel sexy as much as look sexy. You need lingerie. I checked your bra size before I bought this so no excuses."

"Alice..."

The girl had gone to Victoria's Secret for this lingerie. I guessed the shoes weren't the cheap $10 ones which I would've bought.

"They match the shoes and dress."

I sighed and got dressed in an outfit with a probable total sum of $500.

Before I looked, I showed her what I looked like. She stared with so much glee that I found it hard to tell her all the negatives of the outfit, like the prize and very low cut.

Instead, I broadly smiled.

"Do I look like all eyes will turn to?"

"Absolutely."

I walked toward the mirror.

"Oh, wow," I said stupidly.

I expected too much mascara, blush, lipstick, curls, yellow, heels... just too much.

It was perfect. Everything combined together was perfect.

"Where have you learned to see like this? You could seriously do anything in the department of art. House decoration, drawing, music. I don't think many people can change this dress into something quite magical."

"Thanks," she said with a smile.

When Alice worked on her own hair and make-up, I pretended to clean my closet. In truth, I was collecting court-appropriate clothing, yamming it inside a backpack.

"Should we lunch here?" I asked.

"There will be plenty of food there, unless you're hungry now."

"I'm craving cheese toasties. I'll have a mini lunch. I don't want them to see my very horrible eating habits and think I only came for the food."

"It'll be fine. There will be too many people for them to give you a hard time. I'll have some lunch too. But don't you dare drop food on your dress."

* * *

The castle was about half an hour away and by the time we arrived it was just after twelve.

I gazed at the beautiful building, obviously used often for large events. There was nobody outside, but that could be blamed on the cold. I noticed several cars, so at least it wasn't just Alice's family and me.

We stepped out. Alice had given me a small black shoulder bag. I had my phone, wallet and car keys in them. That basically filled the bag.

"It's quiet," Alice said.

I hoped that didn't mean what they usually said...the calm before the storm.

"There are some people judging by the cars," I said optimistically.

"Very few..."

I sighed.

"Ready, Alice?"

"I wish I was."

We took slow steps, side by side, toward the entrance. Once in, I heard a few people talking and I believed I even saw several people dancing.

We were soundless as we walked through a second door into the party.

I noticed at least ten people whom I didn't know,but I saw her parents as well.

And Rosalie.

However...I never expected to see in this crowd Emmett and Edward. When I did, all that Alice once told me about her brother made sense. All those comments she made...

She had been describing Edward.

That day when I brought Alice to the hospital, and when I saw Edward in the cafe...

The man that was suing me was Alice's brother.

I remembered my lawyer's one simple request; don't speak or seek contact with Edward Cullen.

I had to get our of here.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: again, sorry for any errors. I can't do a spelling check over my phone.**

 **That being said, thanks for all the response!**

 **I can, again, assure you that this story will end happily.**

 **You might think not after reading this chapter.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

"Look every one! It's Alice!"

Good, very good. Let all attention be directed to her.

"With my friend, Isabella Swan. Bella. Yeah."

I turned my head to her slowly and noticed her awkward smile. She realized that her way of introducing me was odd.

Then I looked back, noticing Rosalie blocking my exit with cold eyes.

I snapped my head back, only the crew in front of me wasn't pleasant either.

The parents stepped forward. The two brothers did the same, but I refused to seek for their eyes.

Edward must've been very busy putting certain puzzle pieces to one another.

"You!" Esme called with venom.

She was speaking to me.

"Mom!" Alice said angrily. "I didn't come so you could be mean to my friends."

"All this time..." Carlisle said, walking forward, "our child was with _you_?"

"She shouldn't be here," Emmett said to Edward, but we all caught it loud and clear.

"What are you talking about?" Alice asked strangely.

"Ask her," I heard Edward say.

She brought her confused eyes to me and asked, "do you know what they're talking about?"

I tired to explain, but where did I even start?

"I should go," I muttered in a stutter.

"Why, _Bella_?" Edward asked, stepping closer so that instantly I glanced at him to make sure he wouldn't come too near. "You've only just arrived."

It was hard to remain calm when I stood so close to a criminal.

He noticed. He must've known I was scared of him.

It only seemed to make him happy.

"Let's hold the peace, shall we?" he asked everyone. "It's Emmett's party. And Alice has finally decided to come home."

As if the party would make any difference. I could feel the tension cut at my airway.

However, everyone did seem to do as requested, instantly interrogating Alice.

"Excuse me," I muttered, squeezing past the crowd and hoping I was walking towards an exit which wasn't being guarded by hostile siblings.

I went to search for the bathroom in this damned castle.

This was totally unexpected. But by the looks on his face, he really didn't know that I was friends with Alice.

I found a bathroom, which was a good hiding place for now. I remained there for so long, until the point where people might think I left.

I took out my phone and thought about texting Alice. I knew what this meant. She and I could never remain friends. Not only would she discover that the guy I mentioned was actually her brother...she would soon know her family was suing me.

Thinking it was silly to text her a I sat on the toilet, I decided to do that later.

When I entered the great room, I was slow to walk, hoping to draw as little attention as I could. For once, I cursed this dress, it's colour and all that Alice has done to make me look beautiful.

More people had arrived during my absence, for which I was grateful.

A slow song was playing.

Emmett and Rosalie were on the dance floor, her arms around his neck, his around her hip. They were slow dancing, but seemed to be in a heated discussion.

A hand slipped in mine and I knew who it was.

I froze when he came before me, his right arm encircling me. Our joined hands came up, but not because I moved them. It was all his doing, as we now stood in dancing position.

I'd never danced such a dance. Never with Jacob. Or even a stranger.

I could sense his eyes were on me when he moved slowly.

I swallowed nervously, barely moving along with him.

Why was he willingly touching me?

He pushed against my back, which caused my body to jerk forward right into his. When my belly touched his, it was too late to undo it, because his hand on my back made sure of that. Even my chest touched him. I would have to crane my neck up to see him.

I didn't. My eyes remained on his white blouse.

"Can't even look at me, can you?"

I drew out a shaky breath.

"My ill little sister could have died while she was with you. Do you know what that would have made you?"

I shut my eyes and forced the tears to stay in.

"A murderer. It would've made you a killer."

It felt like a punch in my lower stomach. I never meant any harm on Alice.

I was breathing hard, because it calmed my upset nerves. But not much.

"If you want to point fingers at cruel behavior, how about you start by looking in the mirror? Because there you will find a lying, manipulating bitch who thinks she can get away with..."

 _With what?_

I could hear my lawyer in the back of my head. What would he tell me if he could have ever foreseen this unfortunate situation?

I couldn't scream for help.

I couldn't speak to him. Everything I said could be used against me.

My pull from him was hard, but he was stronger. Or I was weaker. I couldn't tell for sure.

I couldn't get away from him. He wouldn't let me.

"Where you going?" he muttered in an eerily voice. "I'm not finished with you yet."

I felt a shiver in my body. I couldn't stop it. I was afraid, and that showed on my body. If I was forced to speak, I knew my voice would tremble horribly.

"It's bad enough you looked into my personal files, but to know you're the reason Alice was gone... that's just disgusting. How did you even find out she's my sister?"

Tears fell, because I was being interrogated, but never received a chance to speak. My right hand was being crushed in his. I removed my left from his shoulder to wipe at my cheeks.

I wasn't sure what he was talking about with looking into his personal files, but being called the reason for Alice's disappearance was a lie. Still it hurt when he called that disgusting. To call me something vile.

He made a guess that I knew that Alice was his sister. The opposite was the truth.

"Cry all you want, but I know now you're not innocent. Just a great actress. I wonder what your plans are with Alice. Do you get a kick out of ruining people?"

This dance wasn't something intimate, as some people who saw us from a distance might think. If only they could hear the words he was throwing at me, they'd know this was assault.

I looked away with shut eyes, but alas the tears kept pouring quicker now.

"Why don't you tell her what kind of a person you really are? Better yet, why don't you tell everyone in this room what kind of vermin you are?"

Again I tried to get free.

I had to go.

It my duty, my obligation.

I sighed in frustration when all my attempts failed.

Our bodies were pressed on each other tightly. He was choking me with his close proximity. His hand held mine painfully hard. And even though he was being cruel to me, he kept moving his body back and forth as if this was a slow, romantic dance.

He kept a perfect facade. Yet he dared to call me the actress, the bitch, the vermin.

He was a hypocrite.

"Y-You tell me f-first," I said in a choking voice. "So I'll know what it is that you think I've done you wrong."

"So you like to play dumb?" he said in a deadly, angry voice. "Fine by me. You tried to get rape on my record. Who the fuck does that? You have violated the law of privacy. I lost my job because of you. I've received death threats."

I could feel my eyes widen, but I still refused to look at him. I didn't want him to see my shaky lips and trembling body.

Very unexpectedly, I felt slightly thrilled at his misfortune and found courage to speak before he did.

"If that's so," I said, "then that's your own fault."

"How did you dare and do that?" he snapped.

He pulled me closer, while more it felt like a shake. It caused my head to bounce back and forth a little, and my body to jerk. A gasp escaped my already parted lips.

I hadn't done anything as far as I knew. The police said there was not enough evidence to prove rape. After that, I rested the case.

Which was very unfortunate.

"Answer me," he demanded.

"I don't know," I croaked out.

"Look at me!"

I meant to say so much more, but when my eyes snapped up at his demand, I saw that his eyes were nearly black. He was dangerous. Desire all the people surrounding me, I didn't feel safe.

I found it very hard to get my mind to pull a grip.

"You told the police that you believed I raped you," he said in a low voice.

"Yes," I said quickly, looking down.

As I no longer had my eyes on his angry ones, I blinked a few times, and shut my eyes tightly. They were still so moist from previous tears.

"Do you really think you can get away with this?" he asked with venom in his voice.

"I only did what I believed was right," I said in turn.

"Right?" he hissed with narrowed eyes. "You're full of bullshit."

"And you of hypocrisy."

When his hand squeezed mine too tightly, I flinched at the pain.

"No wonder your mother killed yourself with a daughter like you."

My head spun and I feared I might faint. I could already see the stars before my eyes.

"You're hurting my h-hand," I gasp-whispered.

 _And my heart._

As if he'd burned himself on hot water, he released me completely, taking a step away.

With blurry eyes, I turned away from him. I started walking. Swaying, that was maybe a better word. But I was moving forward. Everything and everyone around me forgotten.

Alas. The one thing my lawyer forbade me to do. And I'd done it. I had spoken to Edward without the presence of my lawyer.

It felt like one big nightmare.

I walked out of the castle and felt the cold air hit my face.

Already from a distance I could tell someone had vandalized my car.

It was in ruins. All windows were shattered. My bag of clothing for the trial had been emptied on the muddy ground.

Somebody had scratched on my car the word _BITCH._

I stared in horror, when for the first time I wondered where Alice was.

As I came to stand before my car, I cried again. I couldn't show up to court with dirty clothes and only half a car. Neither could I show up in this dress.

Somebody shoved me in my back so hard, the impact made me tumble against my car. My hands and wrist broke most of the fall, but it still hurt. I dropped my keys in the process.

Before I had time to straighten up, I felt a splash of something ice cold hit my face. By the smell of it, it was alcohol.

"That's for ruining my brother, bitch," Rosalie said.

The girl behind the shove. The girl behind my wet face, wet hair and wet dress. The girl behind my humiliation.

She wasn't finished yet. She yanked at my small purse so hard, that the cord snapped. The hard pull had caused for the cord to cut into my flesh, the one that was already bruised. I was certain my shoulder would bruise even more now.

Her hand went into my purse and she pulled out my phone first. It was an older phone, nothing fancy, but it was all I had. She threw it across the distance, where it hit a wall and made a crunching noise. I was certain it was broken. Then she took out my wallet and pulled out my drivers license, my ID, my paying card, my twenty dollar, which she tore and at last, she pulled out all my coins and threw them before me.

All my items were on the ground.

A high pitched, piercing scream filled the entire castle. Perhaps even beyond it. I never heard such a cry before. I wondered what that was about, and I even grew worried as it may have been Alice.

Rosalie shoved me again only this time I managed to fight her back. I pushed her hands away from me, but she marched forward and slapped me so hard in the face that it caused me to fall to my side. My left ankle twisted and I felt a sharp pain go up my calf.

I didn't scream in pain, but God, it hurt so much that I couldn't even think straight until the pain lessened.

My hands were on the ground and my face was between them, staring at the wet pavement. My fingers froze beneath the cold concrete.

I felt something hot drip down my nose. It was blood and I shuddered when the drop stopped on top of my lips.

"NO!" I heard Alice roar from the top of her lungs.

I turned my head, only a little, to see that a crowd had gathered.

It was Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Edward and another man, who was holding back Alice.

It was when Edward and Emmett started running toward me that I panicked badly. I reached for the inside of my left bra with my right hand and pulled out the one item I never ever went without.

It was dad's gift to me, his last one. I had a firm grip on the pepper spray and held it out, still half lying on the wet, freezing ground.

I saw three things.

Rosalie was being held back by Emmett.

Alice broke free from the man's grip and ran toward me. With a broken foot. Actually it was more like a sprint, during which she lost her ballerina shoe.

And Edward, who was crouched down before me with tight lips.

I kept my eyes on him only, in case I needed to spray the toxic in his eyes. It would only involve my finger moving a quarter of an inch down.

"Is that what I think it is?" he asked, eyeing the pepper spray.

In a flash, I realized something. Even though I was still mostly in the dark about the night, I was certain that Edward knew I possessed pepper spray. And to be precise, that I kept it in my bra. He must've seen it that night.

"Don't come closer!" I said weakly. "Or you'll find out soon enough."

I really wanted to do it. I wanted to see him hurt and humiliated as well.

"You'll regret it," he said.

"I'll regret what? Using pepper spray on you?"

I laughed but stopped when he nodded.

"It might give you satisfaction. But that kind of satisfaction never lasts. I can assure you."

"You're comparing the girl you almost raped and killed to what I-"

He pressed his thumb against my lips. His eyes showed disbelief.

Horror.

He leaned forward and spoke quietly, but with definite accusation in his voice

"I didn't attempt rape or kill a girl. Who told you that?"

I glanced away as the answer to that question was Jacob Black. Saying that out loud in front of Edward was awkward.

Alice dropped hard on both her knees between us. She gasped and winced.

I saw her wide eyed shocked face watch me in terror. I hoped my face didn't mirror hers.

"Bella," she muttered with pain in her voice. "Don't use prepper spray."

"I'm sorry, Alice, but I swear to God, I will if I have to. Your family is insane. Your sister attached me."

"And I'm sorry she did that. Sue her for assault for all I care. Don't commit the crime yourself. It will have consequences."

"I don't care about the consequences."

"I do!" she said desperately, taking the spray out of my hand.

"Get away from that thing, Alice!" Rosalie called. "Have you got any idea what she's done?"

Alice leaned back and something happened to her face.

It changed. But I couldn't tell for sure what it was, what it meant.

"What she's done done?" she hissed, her face turning red. "What about what you've done?"

My eyes were only on her. I couldn't watch any of them.

"I'm ashamed that I have to call you my family!"

Her eyes roamed the people around us, but not angrily. She was watching them with hostile. I'd never seen such a look on Alice's face.

"This sweet girl is my best friend! I was so happy to have found her! You have no idea what she's been through!"

Her voice was roaring through the streets now. Even the insides of the castle had grown quiet. So had I. I was glad none of them came to see what was going on.

"Lies, most likely," Rosalie snapped. "And you're just a silly girl who's fallen for it."

Alice watched her sister with rage.

"Don't insult my intelligence. Bella is loyal."

I dropped my head and let my hair cover most of my face. It was still wet, but I couldn't be bothered with drying it. I couldn't look at Alice anymore as she complimented me in front of her family who hated me.

Alice called me loyal, because she knew I'd been the prime caretaker of dad when he hit his three hardest year of cancer. I'd been there for him, even if it meant dropping schoolwork. I never told Alice in so many words, but as intelligent as she was, she must have guessed it.

"And she's brave. You have no idea...how brave."

And this, she probably said because I saw my mother bleed to death. Because I felt her heartbeat stop beneath my hands, while the ambulance came too late. This Alice didn't know either, but anyone surviving both her parents tragic deaths would perhaps be reason enough for Alice to call me brave.

I shut my eyes and let her scream out those words. I was too shaken to stop her anyway. And it seemed like she needed to get this of her chest.

For the first time since a long time, I felt like somebody really cared for me.

Somebody loved me.

"And she still has hope. Despite..."

 _Everything,_ I thought.

"Her dream was crushed several times, even if she had a 98.8 GPA! None of you has ever nailed that. Her whole life has been unfair, but she's up every night, but not to party. Not to drink and not to do drugs. She's studying. So that next year, she will get into medical school. And that shows how goddamn strong she is!"

As I heard Alice's loud voice, I realized then what had changed about her. She used to be a girl. Now she'd changed into a woman. And the transformation was beautiful to have witnessed with my own eyes.

"Even on her worst days, I wish I had half the strength that she possesses."

Even if the transformation came at cost of my own humiliation.

"She doesn't deserve this!" she yelled when nobody seemed to care much about my misfortunes.

 _"After all you've told me...I've never met someone more loyal and brave than you. You've done so much for your parents. More than any daughter should ever have to do for her parents."_

 _"And it didn't pay off," I said with a shake of the head. "Because he lost the battle. She kind of did too. The battle against the will to live."_

 _"Don't say that, don't say it didn't pay off," he said. "You did everything you could have done."_

 _"They died..."_

 _"Which is horrible. You didn't deserve that."_

 _He stepped forward and pressed his lips against my front head. It was brief. And pleasant. He comforted me in ways I didn't know was possible._

 _"We don't have the power to determine the outcome."_

I froze at the flashback, which had come so sudden. I didn't even know what triggered it to come. But some of the words that Edward said that day matched the ones that Alice used.

"You don't understand what's going on, Alice," her mom said.

"I don't understand, so that's why we're suddenly allowed to bully people, to act like savages?" she screamed with tears falling from her eyes. "You hurt her!"

She waved her arm around to indicate everyone.

"Explain, mother, what she's done wrong to deserve this, or so help me God I will never set foot in that house where I live."

No response came from Esme.

"Alice, you're too young to know about grown-up-" Emmett started.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" she screamed. "Just because you're ten years older, doesn't make me a child. Don't dare call me too young."

It was quiet again. I only heard, but didn't see. My eyes were on my knees and dirty hands, which I'd placed over them.

"If nobody tells me what the fuck this is about..." Alice screamed, an obvious threat in her voice.

It didn't suit Alice at all to curse. The word came out so strangely from her lips.

She picked up the card, my wallet, my car keys and the torn piece of money. She put everything back in my purse, except for the car keys. She almost picked me up as well, if I hadn't stopped her.

I could sense her fury and my heart warmed because she was so angry for me. She opened the driver's seat door and all but threw my bag inside. She put the keys on the chair and leaned down.

"Let's go," Alice said strictly.

Nothing in her voice told me to argue with her.

Her parents of course weren't afraid.

"You're not going anywhere," Esme said.

"You're a sick girl, Alice," Carlisle said. "You need to stay home with us."

"I'd rather be a prostitute than live with you," she muttered.

Her parents and her siblings remained quiet. I wasn't sure if it were her words or her angry eyes that caused them to be so quiet.

"Alice, come on..." the blonde guy said quietly.

"Will you tell me, Jasper?" she said, her voice turning pained now. "Will you explain why you brought me upstairs, while _you knew_ downstairs they were terrorizing my friend?"

He - _Jasper_ , also held his mouth.

"I feel so bad for not having been there when she needed me! And it's not even my fault. It's yours! Everybody, who knew what was happening downstairs. I don't think I can ever forgive what you've done tonight. Come on, Bella. We're leaving."

"Wait a minute," I muttered to her. "I'm going to get my phone."

It couldn't have been very far. Without question, Alice hoisted me up. I flinched when I stood on both feet. My left ankle was still soar, so I leaned against my car as I got out of the high heels.

I was limping and Alice stopped me before I'd even taken a few steps.

"Where are you going?" she asked me. "Why are you _limping_? Oh my God, your ankle. It's broken!"

"No, it's just sprained," I said quietly.

"It's blown up like mine did when I broke my foot!"

"No, it's not, really."

"It looks horrible, Bella! It must hurt like hell!"

"It really doesn't hurt," I said, though that was a huge lie.

The pain was unbearable, but I was fairly certain this wasn't something serious. I was still able to move my foot and ankle around. The movements just weren't very fast or smooth. But sprained muscles and tendons needed time to heal so I knew only rest and patience could solve this problem.

She was staring at it with eyes as if she was feeling the pain herself.

I wasn't very much bothered by the push in my back, the fall on my hands, the slap on my cheek, the drink in my face and the sprain in my ankle. Well, of course it was bad, but those were only physical pains. I could handle that.

What I couldn't handle was still standing here with all of them lurking at me as if I somehow deserved to die in hell.

"My phone," I said quietly. "I wouldn't care so much, but all of my phone numbers are on my sim card."

"Where is your phone?" she asked with a scowl.

"Somewhere over there."

I pointed at the castle, near the bushed where it had probably landed.

She turned a glare to her family. She didn't know the details, but she probably understood that Rosalie had something to do with the fact that my phone was not in my possession.

"I don't care _who_ goes and finds it, but someone will go and get Bella's phone back for me."

Nobody moved.

I sneaked a look up. I noticed Carlisle and Esme first, watching Alice as if they were seeing a stranger instead of their daughter. Next to Carlisle stood Rosalie, accompanied by Emmett. I only just noticed he was very quiet, as was Jasper. He stood more in the background.

Edward stood closest to me. When I caught those sharp, green eyes, I quickly looked down. Down was always a good option. Until I noticed my bare legs. My left knee had a superficial scrape, which wasn't very bad. But my right knee was bleeding. Several drops had slid down and dried up on my shin.

Alice was pretty scary, I had to admit. She was small and very thin, but her energy was way up high. I was surprised nobody felt the same way, because if I was in _their_ shoes, I definitely would have gone to find the phone.

"You are unbelievable!" Alice exclaimed as she went herself. "I'm totally going to sue you for assaulting her."

I looked at her with wide eyes, not believing she actually said that. But it was more of a talk to herself, because she continued grumbling and speaking as she went to look for my phone.

If only Alice knew her family was sueing me this very afternoon.

I stood there by myself, breathing hard. Waiting was a terrible thing to do. I tried to keep myself busy with whatever I could. I leaned down to take my shoes in my hands and threw them inside the car toward the passenger's seat.

Most of my weight was on my right foot.

Alice was by the wall of the castle, but it was dark and her search was very close to some thick bushes. I feared she might not find my phone.

I had a first-aid kit in the trunk of my car, but I wasn't going to take that out now. I didn't want them to see any more of my weaknesses than they already had.

Everybody basically knew now about my dream to get into medical school. My failure dream.

I didn't want to blame Alice. She probably thought she was doing the right thing by screaming my secret into the night. But I still felt more weak now that they knew.

I hadn't even told Edward, as far as I could remember.

The dry blood on my upper lips was starting to feel uncomfortable, so I placed the pad of my thumb on my tongue, and gently rubbed away the blood. My nose wasn't broken. I wasn't sure why my nose had even bled when it did.

I flinched when a figure stood very close to me all of a sudden.

Though he was still a stranger, I could now recognize him without looking.

Edward was before me, staring at me with a strange look in his eyes.

"Were you rejected from medical school?" he asked with a scowl. "Despite a 98.8 GPA?"

I couldn't watch him for long.

"That's not possible," he saId.

I brought my eyes up to him, but by God, I didn't know why. Maybe I needed to know if he was really saying that.

"Would you like to see the rejection letters?" I said. "Or do you mean the GPA? Make a phone call to Forks High. I'm certain they still remember me."

"Leave her alone, dammit!" Alice screeched.

I looked sideways, to see her walking to us again, with my phone in her hand. I was glad that she found it.

"Alice..." I said when she was within hearing range. "You'd better stay here. There's something I haven't told you."

"Obviously Rosalie hit you on your head as well."

"Hear her out, Alice," Edward said with narrowed eyes. "Who knows what she's about to confess? We wouldn't want to miss that."

I really was getting tired of whatever he thought I was lying about.

Instead of finding the courage to demand from Edward what his problem was, I turned my head to Alice.

"Your brother...he's the guy I mentioned to you. Also, your family is suing me. You can't join me."

It was like she barely heard what I said, just a few bits and pieces, because she turned her head to Edward.

" _You_?" she snapped. "You're the guy Bella slept with?"

I could've slapped my hand against my head. When I heard a laugh, almost dark, coming from Edward, I felt very uncomfortable. It made me wonder what he thought was so funny...rape, or getting away with it?

A deep scowl formed on Alice's face.

"Hang on," she said. "Edward didn't commit those crimes you mentioned."

My beliefs faltered when I heard those words. Alice knew Edward longer and better than I. My lips were tightly on each other, because I feared they would be able to see a tremble.

On the other hand, how was Alice supposed to know about Edward's personal life? It wasn't as if he would sell those kind of person information to the whole world.

I didn't allow my eyes to shift back and forth. I kept them on my hands.

Who was telling the truth now? I'd seen the criminal record. That wasn't a lie.

Edward was a criminal.

"My brother would never do what you accused him off," she said with a deep scowl.

"You're not the only one she's been lying to," Edward said in a condescending tone.

His eyes showed something dark. It was as if now he was very certain, whereas before he was still doubting it. It made me wonder what changed his mind so suddenly.

I knew I lost Alice. It wasn't worth the fight, because it was the Cullen family against me. A whole pack against one individual.

It was like the nightmare I had. All birds attacked me. They took my life.

It was clear to me who was the loser in this foul game.

My ankle was throbbing hard, but I had to go, right now. I didn't need my left foot much anyway for driving.

If it weren't for the current situation, I wouldn't dream of driving while being injured. But I couldn't see any other option. Calling a taxi would take too long. Asking for anyone at this party was the biggest no ever.

"What are you doing?" Alice asked, when she saw me duck inside the car.

I stopped and turned back around.

"I'm leaving," I said. "You need to go back home."

"No, I'm coming with y-"

"Don't you see?" I said tiredly. "They are your family and I'm not going to ask you to pick sides. I'm telling you to stay here."

"But Bella-"

"No," I said quickly, shaking my head as I leaped inside the car.

The seat was covered with glass. The pieces weren't sharp, but I could still feel them piercing the back of my legs.

Alice stood up for me in manners I never thought was possible. I was anything but ungrateful for the help she gave me tonight.

When she told me that Edward didn't commit those crimes, I realized our friendship was doomed from the start.

Jacob could maybe help me. He warned me about this. So if he knew this would happen, he might be able to help me. Only, Edward denied attempting rape and killing a girl. He asked me who told me that, with so much accusation in his voice.

I looked down at my swollen, painful ankle and wondered how ever I would get to court. I tried to move it but it was barely managleble. I tried to use my right foot at all times and thanked all Gods my car was automatic.

My eyes went up briefly as I drove. I saw their eyes, watching me like I was something foul on the bottom of their shoes. Except Alice. She watched me in ways that broke my heart, again.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** You guys! The response is amazing! Thank so much for the kind reviews, they made me so happy :) can't believe a week passed since my last update!

A big apology for mistakes/grammar/spelling. I hope you can overlook them and still enjoy this chapter!

* * *

 **Chapter 13**

I arrived at the palace of justice. It was funny, wasn't it? To call this dark place a palace where justice will prevail. If that was true, today everything should turn out fine - for me, not for them. I didn't know much about law, but with the little knowledge I did have, I knew it was a game; a game of who had the best lawyer, and who could win most of the hearts of a so called neutral jury.

It was a palace where one expected you to behave professionally, show up on time and cleaned up. My dress was a mess. My hair was still alright, except that it was wet in some places and reeked of alcohol. As for my face, I needed to clean it. Remove all the make-up. The tears had ruined most of it anyway.

I dug out my first-aid and worked inside my car. I cleaned my knees, hands and face. I dabbed gently wherever it stung.

Alice gave me some good advice; 'sue her for assault, for all I care'. I would. Rosalie couldn't and wouldn't get away with what she'd done. I wanted to sue _Edward_ as well, but on what grounds? He seemed to mask his crimes very well. He verbally attacked me and hurt my hand, but nobody knew that. He showed the rest of the world that we'd been only dancing.

I started pulling out the bobby pins in my hair. My braid loosened and I shook my head to get rid of it completely.

Even if my outfit was inappropriate for such a place, I had no other choice. I wanted to be here on time and if I went for a quick shopping, I could risk being too late. Besides...if I was lucky, the judge was a man and this dress might not be such a bad thing after all. Still, there was no denying it was still inappropriate, because the dress was filthy from the rain and from when Rosalie pushed me on the ground. I believed some of her drink had spilled on my dress as well.

I froze when I saw his car, _Edward's_ car. He was driving fast and coming in my direction. I was quick to take out my keys, take hold of my bag and find my shoes. However, I couldn't walk with bare feet. And with that ankle, I wouldn't have any benefit of the speed. It was at least an hour until the trial started! Why one earth would he be here, minutes after I arrived?

"Bella!"

I was surprised not to hear a man's voice. It was Alice.

She opened the door and bent through her knees, watching me up and down with careful eyes. It was unnecessary to open the door, since the windows were shattered.

"You need to know something, Bella. Please listen. There are things that I know and I can assure you that Edward _never_ hurt you. Never."

I watched her skeptically.

At the party he really did hurt me. Not much, but it was something done on purpose. Physically and emotionally. But mostly emotionally.

"You have to believe me, Bella. Please believe me."

"He did hurt me. By suing me."

"Why is he suing you?" she asked with a scowl. "Do you know that?"

"He says I broke the law of privacy and gave false accusations to the police."

"Did you?" she asked.

"No! I don't even know what the first one means! And of course he would say my accusations to the police are false. He needs to save his own ass."

"It isn't...I can't...Bella...what he means by privacy is his criminal record-"

"You're not even denying he has one-!"

"Which is not something you can find on Google, you know. Jacob gave it to you, remember?"

"Thank God he did!" I said. "Will you please leave now? We shouldn't be speaking."

This all felt an awful lot like a fight. I didn't want to fight Alice, not now. She still felt like a friend of mine, but one I couldn't keep.

Time is what I needed, to gather my thoughts before the trial began. Everything that was going inside me was a big mess.

"You've got it all wrong, Bella. The criminal record, everything... I swear. There's a lot I don't know. But _this_ I do know; Edward didn't rape anyone, ever, without a doubt. I promise."

The way that she spoke was with much strength and certainty. I could have believed her, if it wasn't for my own instinct.

Alice really did love her brother.

That is why I muttered, "Go away."

"I know things," she insisted.

"Things?" I asked skeptically.

"It's not my story to tell. I wish I could tell you. Mostly, because I can tell that you don't believe me. But I can't tell someone else's story."

"You had no trouble screaming in front of a birthday party about _my_ story, now did you?"

"I...didn't think you'd mind."

"I didn't, but it does make you a hypocrite. Just like your brother."

"Bella, please..."

"Why do you so badly want me to believe you?"

"Because it's the truth and because I don't want to lose you."

How could Alice know the truth? She wasn't there that night! Neither did she deny he _had_ indeed a criminal record. That was wrong in the first place. He committed crimes and those crimes were horrible. They were unforgivable. And now he tried to sue me, which was also something I would never forgive him for.

"I need you to believe him, Bella. Even if you don't."

"I can't."

"Why don't you just trust me instead?"

"I could maybe trust you, but _him_? The criminal? I can't! I could never!"

"Go back to the start. The first time you met him. Think about everything he ever said to you. Think about what he did for you. Not just the good. The bad also. And just think about it."

"About what?"

"The possibility that you spent the night with him because you wanted to, not because he drugged you. Which couldn't be, or else your blood would've tested positive for that."

A sudden thought crossed my mind which took my breath away with a sharp sting in my chest. I didn't see Alice any longer, but Edward. I saw him.

"He told you to tell me that?" I said with a snap. "Didn't he?"

"Of course not!"

"Go home, Alice," I snapped, throwing the door shut.

My chest was going up and down with each infuriated breath I took. They were all playing a game with me. I was done with them. I was finished.

Alice banged on the side of my car so loudly, that I jumped at the sudden noise and turned my head with angry eyes meeting hers.

"Google him!" she challenged. "You'll see."

I turned my head away and shook my head, certain it was another one of their games.

Google him. What was that supposed to mean? Was I supposed to Google Edward Cullen and find some clue?

Instead of throwing my head in my hands and cry, I found my phone and went to Google. It was a miracle that it was still functioning. I started typing. First E...then D... next W... until I typed his entire name and pressed enter. I scrolled. There was Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram. I found nothing interesting there, just a few photo's.

I went to look for the pictures on Google instead, wondering if his picture was there somewhere.

In the first row of the pictures of different people named Edward or Cullen, I saw a photo of something else. My eyes squinted when I noticed it was a back that belonged to someone with a lean, white body. It showed bruises, wounds and stitches, covering horrible gashes.

My thumb pressed on the link below and an article opened.

With a strange feeling in my chest, I scrolled down and suddenly I saw a zoomed in picture of that back, showing me the wounds graphically.

Without any warning, it came.

 _"What are these?" I whispered in shock._

 _Large, thin scars surrounded his shoulder and upper back. I found two on his lower back. They didn't belong there. Somebody had done this to him. Somebody had wounded him._

 _My fingers touched them, tracing the pink, tall lines. His back tensed and I feared I might've invaded his privacy by seeing the scars by accident, asking him about them and then touching them._

 _"Sorry," I quickly said, retrieving my hand._

 _He couldn't have forgotten he had such scars on his back, could he? Maybe he had momentarily put them out of his head and I'd been a harsh reminder of whatever it was that happened to him._

 _"These were put here. Somebody put them here on you."_

 _"Not tonight," he said. "I'll tell you, but not tonight. Is that alright?"_

 _"What do you mean with not tonight? Because... I'm too drunk?"_

 _"Because I don't want to ruin this moment."_

 _"Is it that bad?"_

 _"I..."_

 _His confused response was heart breaking to hear. I was obviously pushing him to talk about something he'd rather not talk about._

 _"Somebody hurt you," I stated quietly._

 _I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his skin. I was careful to avoid the scars, in case that would make him feel uncomfortable._

 _"I'm sorry if I hurt you."_

I blinked fast while staring at that photograph. What did I just remember? It could've been just an imagination, although, I wasn't that creative to come up with those things on my own. And that voice definitely belonged to Edward.

Part of that blacked out night came to me. It wasn't much, but it wasn't nothing either.

 _He shifted until he lied on his back. I could tell he was smiling. He turned his eyes to me._

 _"You think you hurt me?"_

 _I nodded in shame._

 _"Most girls who see the scars, do you know what they say?"_

 _I shook my head._

 _"They say they look sexy."_

 _"Okay..."_

 _"You didn't."_

 _He was at ease and I could tell that he was content for now. Other girls told him his scars were sexy, but apparently, that's not what he wanted to hear from them. Except, my response wasn't that perfect either. From the way the scars were on his back, I could tell that bad things had happened to Edward Cullen._

 _It could've been a surgery, an accident, a fight, an abuse, self-harm...anything was possible, if you let your imagination run the course._

 _If someday he decided to tell me, I knew it would surpass all my expectations._

I'd seen those scars on the picture, on Edward's back. Seeing them, it triggered a part of my memory to return.

For just a moment, I thought of the human brain and its complexity. Then I was reminded that now wasn't the time to become philosophical.

I looked at that website in its full detail. The website mentioned Chicago. The photo was part of a news article from august 2010. It mentioned a girl being drugged by six men. Two men came to her rescue, but one man's wounds were fatal. The other had severe back wounds, a collapsed lung and a ruptured spleen. And a different one had severe chest wounds. They both survived. All six men were eventually found.

My phone dropped from my hand only I didn't think of retrieving it.

 _Six_ men drugged a girl.

 _Two_ other men saved her. One of them died.

If Edward wasn't one of those six men, but one of the two other men, that would make Edward innocent.

The record that I had told me that Edward was one of the six, that he was the one that attempted rape.

Everybody had been so against me.

Edward had asked me that time over the phone, _'why did you lie to the police?'_

This night, there had been many questions and accusations as well.

 _'If you want to point fingers at cruel behaviour, how about you start by looking in the mirror? Because there you will find a lying, manipulating bitch who thinks she can get away with...'_

 _'Do you get a kick out of ruining people?'_

 _'You tried to get rape on my record. Who the fuck does that? You have violated the law of privacy. I lost my job because of you. I've received death threats.'_

 _'No wonder your mother killed yourself with a daughter like you.'_

Over and over again, I was called a liar. I'd done this big crime that caused him to this I liked to ruin people, but what made him say that? As for the way he said that third part... He sounded disgusted. Also it wasn't me who violated any law of privacy. I only accepted to read what was handed to me by Jacob. Only I didn't know what happened for him to lose his job and receive death threats. The last one had been a stab in the heart, only said to hurt me.

Then there was the hostile sister, guarding the exit. I could make a solid bet that she was the one who vandalized my car. She beat me and kicked me. She ruined my stuff and humiliated me.

I hadn't done anything wrong. I only accepted a criminal record, and...

I accepted something from Jacob. Did he have something to do with this?

My eyes narrowed as I thought of the possibility. I bent down, retrieved my phone and instantly dialled his number.

"Hi?" I heard.

"It's me," I said. "Can we speak?"

"Uhm, now is not-"

"I'm at the palace of justice," I snapped, not caring whatever he'd been planning to say. "I'm being sued and it probably has something to do with that record you gave me. Where on earth did you find-"

He never let me finish as he began speaking quickly in a panicked voice.

"Bella, you can't tell anyone I gave it to you. I gave it to you because I care for you and I didn't want you to get hurt."

I laughed, loud and hysterically. Jacob didn't want me to get hurt. That was _so_ sweet. If only he could see me now, in a shattered car, a dirty yellow dress, a swollen ankle and scratches on my knees and hands. If only he could dive into my head and see what verbal and emotional damage I carried with me for every day and how today, it just got worse.

"Come to the palace of justice. Now."

"What?" he asked.

"Or else I will tell everyone where that record came from. If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me."

 _Bitch._

* * *

Alice told me to think of Edward and what he'd done, the good and the bad.

The first day I met him, he was slightly off and strange. I didn't like him. He bought the things I couldn't buy, since I didn't have enough money on me. But then he made that rude comment about manners. His personality didn't suit me at all. I saw him again at the stairwell, as I was running out of the hospital as soon as I could. He tried to get a reaction out of me, by calling me sweetheart. He was a bastard, a mean bully. Until I noticed he left that bag of pastries at my car, with a note saying he's sorry.

I couldn't think of anyone going through such lengths for just an apology to practically a stranger. It meant something, no matter how much I wanted to deny that. That gesture meant something.

The second day we kissed. How could I forget? He was only the second man in my life whom I kissed. He tried. He really tried to explain, communicate, help me, guide me, apologize to me.

 _He liked me_ , I thought for a second, but I shut my eyes and shook my head. Even if he did, all those feelings must've been long gone by now.

He didn't push me away when I kissed him. _'You're nothing like those others,'_ had been his response when I asked him why he didn't push me away.

Few days later, prior to the night, he helped me again when things got out of hand with Jacob. He cooled my hurt hand, he paid for everything and the next day...he was also kind.

Edward was a kind man.

Until the day he called me. Until the day he decided to sue me on a Saturday, a Christmas Eve. Until tonight.

Alice told me to think about it and I did.

I might've made one terrible mistake.

"Miss Swan?" someone said.

My head snapped to the side and I noticed a small, thin man, staring at me.

"Miss Swan, the trial has started. You're late."

 _Oh, no!_

"I'm so sorry!"

I looked in the rear view mirror and wiped hard under my eyes. Most of the black was gone, but you could still see a fading grey.

I looked terrible.

Quickly, I put on my shoes. The strap of my left shoe cut into my swollen flesh. I followed him too slowly, with a limp. He gave me an odd look and glanced at my car with confused eyes. He didn't even try to be less obvious.

With each step, it became harder to endure the pain. I hoped my face was passive as we stepped into the courtroom. I wondered how much time had passed, how long I'd sat there in my own quiet world and if Jacob would be here today.

With each sharp sting in my ankle, my face contorted. I tried not to, but I was afraid that was impossible at this point. My ankle was badly twisted and I should've cooled it instantly and kept it high. I had done neither and now I paid the price.

I noticed at the right side Edward's entire family, friends, people I didn't know and a very confident, rich and arrogant lawyer. They all wore proper attire.

On my side, there _was...nobody._

My eyes went to the old lady with grey hair and strict eyes. I believe she said something to me. I just couldn't remember what.

"Are you deaf?" she snapped.

"Sorry?" I squeaked.

Rosalie snorted loudly and that woke me up.

 _Walk, Bella, and sit down._

And so I did. At the front row on the left side. My eyes stung, but I quickly blinked them away.

This whole mess started the day Jacob walked into the store and handed me that record.

He wasn't here after my threat. Obviously, it hadn't scared him. If it hadn't scared him, he probably hadn't done anything illegal.

I brought my head to the right and noticed Edward, staring ahead of him. I swore he was scowling, but I couldn't tell for sure. I noticed his grey suit and felt terribly nude in my current state.

"Where is your lawyer?" the judge asked.

She asked a very good question. I glanced back in the hope of seeing him coming inside the courtroom.

"I...I'm not sure," I answered.

"She probably couldn't afford one," I heard Rosalie say.

"Shut up, Rosalie," Alice snapped.

"Order!" called the judge.

My eyes went to Alice, who stared at me. Her words hit me again; just go back to the start.

One of the things I remembered from the night, was when he told me he'd drive me home. Despite me not holding the end of the bargain, he would still do something about Lauren's complaint against me. I never heard anything from Lauren or such a complaint against me. I almost blurted it out, then and there, if Edward had taken care of that for me just like he said he would. I was just in time to refrain myself.

If I hadn't heard anything from the hospital or Lauren, it was clear to me that Edward took care of it. He took care of it from me.

All this time, Jacob and Lauren tried to sue me. Jacob, because I slapped him. Lauren, because she thought I was being a noise.

Instead, Edward was the one who did. But I still didn't know what for.

Jacob and Lauren... Edward... Something just didn't add up. What was I missing?

I turned my head to him and saw that he was already watching me.

"Miss Swan!" the judge snapped.

"Yeah?" I said, turning my head.

"I asked you a question."

"I'm sorry, I...sorry, what did you ask?"

"I asked, would you like a minute to call you lawyer?"

The doors behind me opened. I guessed it was my lawyer, since I couldn't do this alone. I needed a lawyer.

I glanced back, glad that he had finally arrived.

My eyes widened when Jacob walked through the doors, with Lauren.

First, my heart sank at their sight. That feeling didn't last for long when I realized what his presence meant.

 _My threat worked._

Jacob came. That meant he _was_ scared.

I stood up. It was time to let everyone know my side of the story.

"Sit down, Miss Swan."

"I'd like to testify."

"That's not wise, if your lawyer's not present."

"Please," I said.

She nodded curtly.

I walked to the front and was about to sit. A man appeared before me and raised his hand. He told me to do the same. He asked if I would promise to tell the truth, and I told him I would.

My instinct was a mess. I still didn't know what was going on. Both Jacob and Edward had done me wrong. Jacob cheated on me and Edward... he was cruel to me at Emmett's party, as was Rosalie.

I couldn't trust either of them.

His lawyer stood up and watched me like a hawk. I suddenly felt very unsafe. It felt like there was nobody left to help or protect me. I despised everyone in this courtroom.

"What do you do, Isabella?"

"What?" I asked confused.

"Do you attend college?"

"Yes. I mean no. I don't. Not yet. At least-"

"What do you plan to study?"

"I'm trying to...uhm...get into med school."

"Is that so?" he asked impressed with a nod of his head.

"Yes."

Why did he want to know what I wanted to study? It was so irrelevant. If my lawyer was here, he would probably object.

"What a misfortune it would be, Isabella, for you to not attend med school, just because you filed a false report to the police and because you violated the privacy of my client?"

"What?" I asked.

I was certain someone was supposed to call objection right now. But of course, my lawyer was still MIA.

"For you to commit such crimes and spend either jail time or community service, it would mean no medical school would ever want to accept you."

I thought my heart broke when my dad died from cancer.

I thought my heart broke when my mother died from suicide.

I thought my heart broke when I saw Lauren for the first time with Jacob in that hotel room.

I thought my heart broke when I went through that horrible process with the police and at the hospital to rule out rape.

That was false.

Today, my heart broke for real. Because after today, if I was proven guilty, I would never see the insides of a med school.

It would end before it had even begun.

This is what Alice meant when she told me about consequences. I wanted to spray Edward in his eyes with the pepper spray, but Alice stopped me. My eyes roamed the room. Everybody was staring at me. Probably because the lawyer was talking to me. Or maybe the judge was screaming at me. I couldn't hear them no longer, because my eyes focused on Alice.

She could be my guide, my instinct, my light in the darkness.

If she said Edward didn't commit those crimes...if Edward was innocent, that would mean I made a terrible, terrible mistake.

My eyes went down briefly.

Did I choose to believe Alice?

It was my best shot.

"Can I say something?" I asked.

"We've been waiting for you to finally speak!" the lawyer said.

My eyes found Jacob and this was the moment I really was a bitch.

"I'm sorry Jacob," I said with raised eyebrows. "But I'm not paying the price of your crimes."

He quickly shook his head at me, but it was too late for me to change my mind.

"That boy," I said, pointing at Jacob, "he gave me a piece of paper. It said that Edward Cullen commit assault, attempted raped and manslaughter. The day before that, I spent the night with Edward. I drank too much. When I woke up the next day, I blacked out. I assumed I'd been drugged after reading he attempted rape. That's what I told to the police. I had to undergo these... examinations at the hospital. Only, all tests came back negative. I was confused. Who wouldn't?"

My eyes went to Edward. His looked like he was about to be sick.

 _Uh, okay._

I wondered if this was even news to him. Alice must've told him about how I'd blacked out and was given a criminal record from Jacob.

Anyway, it was unimportant what he knew and didn't know.

Now I needed to improvise. And lie.

 _I'm betting on Alice._

"Edward didn't commit those crimes and when I...well, _regained_ my memory of...that lost night, I remembered that we...had sex. _With_ my consent. Not _without_. I made a mistake..."

Why was the courtroom so silent?

"I'm very sorry for causing this confusion."

A whispering started, all coming from the crowded side of the room. They all must be thinking what an idiot I am.

Edward was staring at me in a strange manner.

"I'm really sorry," I told him. "I know you didn't... _hurt_ me that night."

"What's this all about?" the judge asked. "Are you saying you _received_ a criminal record from him?"

She pointed at Jacob and I nodded.

"And that your mistake to think that Dr. Edward Cullen raped you, was because you couldn't remember what happened in the night and because the record mentioned attempted rape?"

I nodded again.

"And are you saying you and Dr. Edward Cullen had sex? You had sex with your psychiatrist?"

"He isn't my psychiatrist!"

"Are you not one of his patients?"

"I was supposed to be, but we never had an appointment."

"You did have sex with Dr. Edward Cullen?" she asked again.

"Yes, I did," I said weakly.

"We can still win this, Edward," the lawyer said.

He put his hand on Edward's arm when he didn't turn his head to his lawyer. I wondered what was wrong with Edward. His lawyer was talking to him, and Edward didn't even look at him. He was still staring at me.

"Edward, you still have a strong case. She's lying as she sits there. You and I both know it."

If Alice did tell Edward about Jacob giving me that record, why didn't he look less surprised then? And if he knew, why was I the one being sued? Shouldn't he be suing Jacob instead?

That could only mean that Alice hadn't told him and that this was indeed news to Edward.

"She's not lying," Edward said.

"You didn't have sex with Isabella Swan!" he boomed. "That's what you told me."

I could feel my blood pressure dropping at that comment until I let myself fall against the back of my seat weakly. Everything they told me after the examinations came crashing against me like a very bad traffic accident;

 _No signs of abuse._

 _No signs of sperm or semen._

 _No sign of injury._

 _No sign of anything._

 _No rape._

We didn't have sex?

"She isn't lying," Edward repeated with a hard look on me. "But I have. We did have sex."

What on earth was happening? We did have sex? Only just now his lawyer screamed to the entire world that Edward told him the opposite.

Edward stood up. I tensed. But he turned his back to me and the judge. Instead he walked to Jacob with what seemed like a tunnel vision.

Before I knew what was truly happening, fists hit flesh and blood splattered. I think Edward broke Jacob's nose.

People screamed and scattered around the courtroom.

The judge hit her hammer loudly, deafening my right ear.

I watched in horror how Edward turned into an animal and beat Jacob. Security pulled them apart and led them out of the courtroom.

Amidst the chaos, Alice held my eyes for the briefest of moments and nodded her head with a smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Thank you for your patience! This chapter is partly continuing where chapter 6 left off (in case you want to reread that one before continuing with this).

Thank you for all the reviews! I love to read them all. I'm sorry I haven't found the time to respond to them. Know that I receive them and enjoy to read them.

That being said, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

* * *

 **Chapter 14**

Before I stepped out of my car, my hand touched a large piece of glass. It was sharp. I brought it with me as I stepped into the freezing air. Snow was pouring hard. It felt cold underneath my feet. Soon I couldn't even feel them anymore.

Did it really matter? Did my feet truly matter? I looked down and saw them sink in the ice. It was nice for my ankle to be cooled down, but my toes turned numb. Most likely, this was a bad idea.

I searched in the dark. I followed the directions, but the name on the rocks were not the one I was searching.

The snow blinded me, not giving me much sight. I must've walked over the entire field. I was sure I hadn't missed any stone, not one rock. No matter how long I looked around, I couldn't find him. That's when the paranoia really got to me. What if he wasn't buried here? What if people took his body? What if she haunted me, even after her death? Did she possess powers even after death?

It was two left turns and one right turn. I was positive I followed the directions well. Countless of times.

At last my ankle finally caved in with no warning. I dropped in desperation when I realized I might never find him. My dress had ridden up too high. My sexy lingerie got soaking wet as I sat in the snow.

What was left?

Nothing, I couldn't think of anything.

I had one positive thought.

It could be ended so quickly. It went quickly with her.

 _My mother._

I remembered it from start to end. It must've been less then several minutes. My efforts to save here had probably been in vain from the minute she made her cut.

Only I wasn't doing it. I had the piece of glass. But I couldn't make the cut.

There was something preventing me. Thought, how important could it really be if I couldn't figure out what that was?

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, how long I shivered. Slowly giving up on life, my life.

At some moment, the snowing stopped. I felt like I was dying from cold. Maybe a cut would be unnecessary after all. People died from cold.

I remained on the ground for just one more moment, staring ahead of me.

 _I can't find him._

That could have been the reason why I didn't make the cut. My dad was with me. Maybe he wasn't at the cemetery, but he was still part of me. I loved him. And I missed him. All I wanted was to see his grave, just once.

The cold had gotten under my skin and I thought about leaving.

Leaving the cemetery?

Leaving my life?

From where I was looking, the world was dark. Everybody left me alone.

Except for that night. I remembered how Edward told me it was time to go, even if it wasn't midnight yet. He wanted to take me home, because he believed I hated him. The last thing he asked me was if I could walk.

 _I want to know what happened after that!_

Maybe Edward was the reason why I still didn't make the cut. I still had unfinished business. Part of my life was _vanished_ but Edward remembered it. I could ask him what happened. Now that he knew that I blacked out, he'd understand why I asked him such a question.

The thought made me laugh. Edward would most likely never want to speak to me after what I put him through. All this time, everything could have been prevented if only I opened my mouth and told him something simple as:

 _'I blacked out.'_

Or...

 _'Jacob gave me your criminal record.'_

Or...

 _'Did we have sex?'_

Judging from what his lawyer screamed in court this afternoon, he and I didn't have sex.

Judging from what Edward said afterwards, he and I did have sex.

Did we have sex? I had no idea. I only truly hoped he didn't harm me. At times, I still wasn't sure.

I would never know.

My back hit the snow and I knew I wouldn't last for long in this cold temperature. I was already soaking wet and shivering.

I could imagine myself how it would happen. Somebody would walk these grounds tomorrow morning. Yes, tomorrow it was Christmas day, but people went to the cemetery on Christmas, did they not?

Then, they would see a corpse in a yellow dress.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want them to be open when I died.

 _He'd gotten the wrong impression completely._

 _I knew I was a difficult person, but in all honesty, I didn't think the worst of him._

 _Not at all._

 _When he kindly held out his hand to assist me, I took it with both hands. I pulled him toward me instead and he took a step to me. He looked down with a scowl, while I was searching for the right words to say to him._

 _In my fuzzy mind, I even registered my very tight grip on his hand. I held it as if my life depended on it._

 _"Please don't leave me," I said quietly._

 _It was all I had to offer, a soft plea which he'd hopefully not think of as too pitiful._

 _He placed his hand on my knee and I looked down at it._

 _It was just a touch, a simple caress, but to my body it was fireworks._

 _With Jacob, I'd never felt so comfortable. I'd never let any man come this close to me._

 _What was it that this man possessed which Jacob did not?_

 _"I don't hate you," I muttered with my head still low._

 _"It's the only vibe you've given me. You can't even speak to me without sarcasm or snapping or hatred."_

 _"It's not what it looks like..."_

I swear.

 _He did things to me far beyond my ability to understand. I didn't know how to act normally around him._

 _My behaviour had given him a very wrong impression about what I thought of him._

 _"Then what's it supposed to look like?" he asked._

 _I shook my head at my stupidity._

 _As careful as I could manage, I briefly made eye contact and released his hand, instantly missing its warmth and strength._

 _"You're right," I said with a humourless laugh. "You're absolutely right. You should go, if you want to go."_

 _I stood on my feet, ready to leave and never return._

 _"Hang on," he said, turning me around to face him._

 _Both his arms encircled me._

 _Was it his way to stop me from leaving?_

 _Would he demand an answer of what I meant before?_

 _Did he finally had enough of me?_

 _Was he going to hurt me?_

 _It was his warm smile that switched me catastrophic thoughts to; this might just be a touch; a hug._

 _He leaned down, probably due to the loud music, and said in my ear, "I never said I wanted to go. I said I'm letting you off the hook. If you want me to stay, I'll stay for you."_

 _"No, no," I said with a shake of my head, causing my ear to touch his lips._

 _When the touch remained permanent, neither he or I moved to part._

 _"I don't want you to stay just because I said so. That's pathetic. I mean, I am. Not you. You're not-"_

 _"Neither are you pathetic," he said. "I think you're sweet. When I said I'll stay for you, I meant I would because you asked me to stay, but also because I want to."_

 _I shook my head in disbelief, and muttered distastefully, "Why would you want to?"_

 _"Because it's the first and only sign you've given me that you might actually like me. Why else would you want me to stay?"_

 _It was as if he took a knife and cut me open to watch into my head. He was being a psychiatrist! He was evaluating my behaviour and that was just unacceptable. I wouldn't allow it._

 _Before I could pull away, his arms pulled me close to him and I heard myself gasp at the physical touch._

 _He was unexpectedly soft. And large. But it helped me feel safe._

 _Briefly, I felt content, like a whole person._

 _"Well," he said, pulling his head back to look me in the eyes. "Such attention coming from you, that's special. Not to sound arrogant, but I've never encountered someone who wasn't attracted to me."_

 _Attracted to him? I laughed. This was easy. He handed it to me on a silver platter._

 _"First of all, Mr. Grey, I never said I'm attracted to you. And second of all, when you mentioned someone, did you mean men as well as women?"_

 _His eyes widened at the last part, where I hinted to him that he was gay._

 _"How about we skip both those issues and I ask you, why the hell did you call me Mr. Grey?"_

 _Did I say that out loud?_

 _"I didn't," I tried._

 _"Yeah, you did."_

 _"I'm sure you heard me wrong."_

 _"I'm just going to assume you mean Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey unless you do mean Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey."_

 _"No."_

 _"You like it rough?" he asked with raised eyebrows._

 _"Shut up."_

 _He held my wrists. His fingers formed manacles around them, holding me in place._

 _"You're not denying it," he said._

 _"It's what I named you first time I saw you! That's all. You were wearing a grey suit. Satisfied?"_

 _He shook his head with a grin._

 _"Why are you shaking your head?"_

 _"Because I'm not. Satisfied."_

 _"Sorry to disappoint you," I said._

 _"Have you seen the movie?" he asked._

 _He still held my wrists._

 _"Actually...yes. Yeah. It was so grey...so sad..."_

 _"Isn't that the point?" he said with a laugh. "It says so in the title."_

 _"Have you seen the movie?" I blurted out with a giggle._

 _He shook his head while he watched me like a hawk. I detected some amusement in his eyes._

 _"Really?" I said surprised._

 _He smiled as he looked down on me. His grip went to my fingers, toying with them carelessly._

 _The room started to spin and I had to lean against the bar stool to stop from tumbling over._

 _"Wow..." I muttered._

 _"Regretting that last shot?" he asked._

 _"Hmm?"_

 _The floor was moving. I was certain floors didn't move._

 _"Did the alcohol reach your head?" he asked._

 _I looked up at him, waiting to elaborate._

 _"What?" I asked eventually._

 _"How many fingers am I pointing up?" he said._

 _I saw about four, but he kept moving them, so I couldn't tell for sure. I reached up and held his hand to stop it from moving._

 _That's when I saw my hand moving as well, while I was perfectly sure it wasn't._

 _"Hey," he said, snapping my eyes to him at once._

 _His hand wrapped around mine._

 _"You're drunk."_

 _"I don't think so," I said with a hard shake of the head. "Don't you think I'd know it if I were drunk?"_

 _I turned around, letting go of Edward's hand._

 _Edward? What happened to Mr. Grey?_

 _Ah well._

That's when it happened.

Somewhere in my drunk mind, I started to see him as Edward.

I remembered after waking up in his bed, it _just_ happened, but it hadn't. It happened because we...clicked.

It took me little effort to remember what happened next.

 _"Bartender!" I called. "Two double shots of... of..."_

 _I looked back at Edward._

 _"What else tastes just as good as tequila?"_

 _"I'm taking you far, far away from this bar. You and I need to have a word."_

 _"No, no, not a word. Please not a word. Can't we just sit here and drink? My treat."_

 _"I think I can recognize an issue when I see one."_

 _"No fun!"_

 _He was dragging me away from the bar, with my purse in his one hand, while his other arm was around my shoulders._

 _Even though it was a club, at the corners there were chairs and tables and the music was slightly less loud here._

 _When seated opposite of each other, I stared at him. My eyelids were heavy, even though I wasn't tired._

 _"Can you tell me what this is all about?"_

 _I continued staring at him._

 _"Isabella, I enjoy your company. But you told me you've never drank before. Now, in less than an hour, you've become someone very close to an alcoholic."_

 _I flinched involuntarily and looked away from his sharp, intelligent eyes._

 _It was because I remembered my mother._

 _"I'm not an alcoholic," I spat. "Don't call me that."_

 _"I'm stating facts, sweetheart. You've been-"_

 _My mother..._

 _"No pet names!" I snapped._

 _"Isabella, you've been-"_

 _"And don't call me Isabella! I hate that name! It's what she used to call me!"_

 _"Who?" he asked with a scoff._

 _I wanted to keep my mouth shut, I didn't want to start this conversation now._

 _"My mother."_

 _But apparently, it had already started._

 _Suddenly, I was feeling sick. I noticed the sign of the ladies' bathroom._

 _"I need to pee. I'll be right back."_

 _My eyes were low as I stood up._

 _"I'll order some water, okay? We'll meet at this table again. I'm holding your bag hostage."_

 _And he did. He had my bag but as sick as I suddenly felt, I didn't care. I walked with a dizzy head and a violent stomach toward that sign that directed me to the bathroom. Upon entering, I was disgusted by the state of the room. The ground was wet with drinks, there were paper towels and toilet paper all over the place and it smelled funny._

 _I quickly went inside one of the stalls that seemed the cleanest and equally as fast came out. I washed my hands and briefly glanced at myself in the mirror._

 _For some reason, I did look tired. My eyes seemed smaller than normal. I was reminded of my looks. Just dark hair, a pale complexion and brown eyes. It was nothing special._

 _So why was Edward here with me?_

 _When I went back, he still wasn't there._

 _And I panicked._

 _No, I freaked out._

 _I'd left my wallet...and my phone...and my car keys...in the hands of a stranger. I had cash money in my wallet, and all my cards, and personal information and... I couldn't remember anything else important, but I was sure if my mind wasn't such a mess, I'd remember!_

 _And then there was the issue of my phone... I didn't have a lock on my phone. Anybody could check my e-mail, Facebook, browsing history, everything that was private!_

 _I did what a girl had to do when she was alone and left with nothing else._

 _I stepped to my only source of information, whether he was trustworthy or not._

 _The room was spinning, so I first looked around until I found the easiest route to the exit. I knew that whatever way I went, I would need to squeeze through the large crowed until I was finally outside._

 _But at least Emmett would be there, right? He knew Edward._

 _Unless Emmett wasn't there._

 _Unless Emmett wasn't truly Edward's brother._

 _I panicked even more at that sudden thought._

 _And the fact that somebody had left me._

 _That was a scene well known to me._

 _Edward was gone. Emmett might not be outside._

 _He deserted me._

 _These feelings were well known to me._

 _Daddy left me._

 _Mom abandoned me._

 _Jacob forced me to leave him._

 _And Billy disowned me as his granddaughter._

 _They were all gone. They were no longer a part of my life._

 _I should have known better than to think Edward would stay._

 _"Hey, beautiful."_

 _I turned around with a gasp._

 _"What's wrong?" he asked instantly._

 _He placed a large glass of water on the table where we previously sat._

 _In his other hand was my purse. I was staring at it._

 _"I-I c-can't," I gasped, looking up at him. "I can't do this."_

 _"What happened? Did somebody bother you?"_

 _I shook my head._

 _"Then what?"_

 _He was growing tired of me, I could tell._

 _That was my cue to leave._

 _I pulled my purse out of his hand and started to shrug off his jacket._

 _"Hey, hey, hey," he said, holding my upper arm and turning me around. "Sit down and drink your water."_

 _I did as he told, but only because I was drunk. He was right about that._

 _My head was a larger mess than it usually was._

 _He sat back on the chair again, only this time right next to me._

 _If I wanted to go now, he would first have to get up. Unless I climbed over the table._

 _I sat down, like he told me._

 _I drank the glass empty, like he wanted me to do._

 _Now I could leave._

 _"I don't care about Lauren's complaint," I said. "So we can stop this arrangement or whatever it is."_

 _"This was never about Lauren's complaint against you."_

 _"Huh?"_

 _"I would've checked it out for you, no matter if you'd agreed or not to spend this evening with me."_

 _I leaned my head away from him, mostly in shock, but my body was rooted in place, because the back of the chair prevented me from moving further away._

 _"This so-called_ arrangement or whatever it is _," he said, mimicking my words, "is simply a date."_

 _"A date?" I said in a small voice._

 _"You would've never agreed if I asked you directly. After what happened with Jacob."_

 _"Probably not," I murmured._

 _"You must've realized that all I wanted was to be with you tonight," he said._

 _I shook my head._

 _Then I turned my eyes up to him with frustration._

 _"For...uhm...sex, you mean?"_

 _That's what all men wanted._

 _It's what Jacob wanted._

 _"For talking," he replied slowly. "To make jokes and have fun."_

 _His hand moved forward. His fingers softly touched my right one, which I'd placed on the table. Then he took my hand in his, very softly._

 _"To steal a touch."_

 _I watched his thumb rub circles._

 _"Maybe steal a kiss."_

 _After a kiss came so much more and I shook my head._

 _"I'm not that girl. I don't pick up boys in a bar and have a one night stand with them."_

 _"I'm not that boy," he said with a challenging look on his face. "I don't pick up girls in a bar and have a one night stand with them."_

 _I dropped my head in my hands._

 _"Then what do you do?" I asked in despair._

 _"What do I do?" he asked in amusement._

 _"This is not funny!"_

 _"It's kinda funny," he said._

 _"You're driving me insane!"_

 _"How could I? When you're the one in charge of everything."_

 _I peeked at him from between my fingers._

 _"You say go, I go. You say stay, I stay. You say stop, I stop. You say you want to go home, I'll be the one who'll join a cab to make sure you safely arrive."_

 _He watched me expectantly._

 _The way he spoke to me was something I never encountered before._

 _All this time when he seemed amused or seemed to be laughing at me, he really wasn't._ _He was probably just trying to make me laugh as well._

 _I had it all wrong._

 _He wasn't driving me insane. I was driving myself insane for not knowing how to handle my feelings, and the ones that were growing in this current moment._

Am I falling for Edward Cullen?

 _"Okay?" he asked._

 _I nodded in agreement._

 _"I do hope that's not what you want. To go home, I mean."_

 _"No, I'm fine..." I muttered with my hands pressed against my lips._

 _"Then why did you look so ashen when I came back from the bar?"_

 _I leaned back in the seat tiredly. Did he honestly expect me to explain to him my insane thoughts?_

 _Nobody should ever see the insides of my head, because it was too dreadful to see or hear._

 _"What happened?" he asked._

 _"You weren't here."_

 _"There was a line at the bar," he said with a scoff. "It took a while to get the order."_

 _"No, you don't understand," I muttered._

 _"If you tried to explain, I'm certain I'd be able to keep up with you."_

 _"I'm not your patient anymore," I said. "Why do you keep trying to get inside my head?"_

 _He put his arm around me and I glanced at his hand in confusion._

 _When I looked up, he leaned down._

 _"Stop me if you must," he whispered._

 _He pressed his lips against mine. I was too late to understand him and there was no more time for stopping what happened._

 _My arms wrapped around his neck and I knew, if I had the chance, that I wouldn't have stopped him anyway._

 _This was our third kiss now, a minor detail I remembered during the kiss._

 _He tasted like tequila and lemon. I was certain I did too._

 _His hands roaming around my sides caused my arms pulling myself closer to him._

 _I swore I felt his smile against my lips and I pulled back to see I was right._

 _"Do we have to go all the way for you to believe me I'm just trying to get to know you? Or are you convinced now that I don't go out with any of my patients?"_

 _"No," I said quickly, pulling back and leaning back in the seat. "I mean, yes, I'm convinced."_

 _"That really is all to it," he said. "I promise, I'll never consider you as my patient."_

 _"I thought you left," I blurted out._

 _"Where to?" he asked. "Oh, you mean left_ you _?"_

 _I nodded._

 _"Why would I leave you?" he asked in a way as if that was a crazy thought._

 _"Why would you stay?"_

 _He was watching me in a serious way._

 _I think I liked him more when he was amused and joking._

 _"If I answer that question, will you explain to me why you thought that I would leave you?" he asked._

 _I shrugged._

 _"I want to kiss you. A real kiss. I'm holding back, because I don't know you well enough and I don't want to scare you away. You've drawn me in, but you keep pushing me away. You act like you can't stand me. You're drinking alcohol as if this isn't even your first time. But when I let you off the hook, you're asking me to not leave you."_

 _I sat rigidly in the seat, staring at him as if he'd somehow read me like an open book for his eyes to be seen. I felt more exposed than ever._

 _"Why would I stay?" he repeated. "Because you asked me to not leave you. For me that's more than enough reason. More than enough to hold myself in and wait until you're ready. I have all the time in the world, and if you want me around, I'll wait. I'll wait for you. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in waiting."_

 _We sat there for a while, both saying nothing._

 _Indirectly, he told me he liked me._

 _Just to be sure, I asked, "Do you like me?"_

 _He placed his fingers under my chin._

 _"Yes."_

 _My heart leaped in the air._

 _But Edward didn't know me. I was as much a stranger to him as he was to me._

 _He couldn't like me._

 _"You wouldn't," I said, shaking my head. "If you really knew me...you wouldn't."_

 _"Are you trying to scare me away, Miss Swan?"_

 _I shook his hand away from my face._

 _"Don't call me that either. Miss Swan is my mother."_

 _"Oh," he only said._

 _I swallowed nervously. Was this the point where he had enough?_

 _Would he go?_

 _"It's your turn. Why would I leave you?"_

 _"Do you still want to know?" I asked in confusion._

 _My face felt frozen. No smile, no emotion. It felt awkward and unpleasant both at the same time_

 _"Yes, I do."_

 _His eyes shined with amusement. It was back, his fun side. Though, I wondered what he thought was so funny._

 _"You really don't scare me."_

 _Oh...so that was funny to him._

 _"I thought you left, because everyone else I've ever known left me. Then I panicked, because you had my purse."_

 _"I'm sorry," he said with a scoff, the humour gone again._

 _I leaned against him and he stiffened slightly, but I didn't care. He probably didn't expect me to seek physical contact, but for the first time since we met I really craved it._

 _His arm came around me, his hand squeezed my upper arm. I sighed._

 _"You don't trust me," he added._

 _My eyes shut briefly as I realized he was right._

 _"I don't trust you yet," I said._

 _He pulled me closer against him._

 _"You're tired. Let me take you home."_

 _Home?_

 _My tongue was very loose. The alcohol gave me courage._

 _"Previously you said you'd take a cab home. And that you'd take me with you. I say, let's do that right away."_

 _He looked down with a steer of his head, probably thinking about what I was saying._

 _I was waiting for him to agree._

 _"That's the alcohol speaking," he said with a grin._

 _"And if it weren't the alcohol speaking?"_

 _"That would be my fantasy."_

 _"Be serious!"_

 _"I'm very serious. But alright, if you must know...I wouldn't hesitate to sleep with you. If it weren't the alcohol speaking. But it is."_

 _"Please?" I asked._

 _"Are you begging me?" he asked with a raised eyebrow._

 _"And what if I was?"_

 _"Please don't."_

 _"Are you begging me to stop begging you?" I asked with a laugh._

 _"Not anymore," he said with a smirk._

 _"That escalated quickly."_

 _He took my hands and pulled me up._ _I swayed._

 _"Holy..." I muttered, feeling very dizzy._

 _"Yep," he said._

 _He took my jacket and held it open for me._

 _"So very gentlemanly," I said, looking at him with a grin._

 _"At times, I try," he said,_ _taking my hand and finding a path to the exit._

 _Walking wasn't so easy anymore. I was swaying back and forth. My head was spinning and my stomach sometimes turned uncomfortably._

 _I squeezed between a whole gang of people. Most of the time it was his hand pulling me with him._

 _We reached the door, where fresh air hit my face._

 _Emmett still stood there._

 _"Bye, Emm," he called._

 _"Bye, bye," I said._

 _"You kids don't forget about protection," he said with a wink._

 _He waved at a cab and opened the door for me. We got in the backseat. He gave an address which I didn't bother remembering._

I begged?

Was everything I said related to the alcohol?

I pushed myself into an awkward sitting position.

At least now I knew how I ended up in that taxi. However, I still didn't remember how I ended up in his bed.

It was good that I didn't. I wasn't ready yet to know what more I told him. I begged him to take me with him!

No wonder he sued me. No wonder he got so upset after I reported him for rape. He'd been nothing but a gentleman, while I was the pleading slut.

I'd been such a fool.

I pressed the piece of glass against my skin, testing it out. The sharpness turned out to be not so much after all. It was very blunt. Useless.

I smiled as I pressed, because I realized something important.

Tonight, nor any other night, would I leave my life behind. I wasn't suicidal. I would battle with the thoughts. As did my mother.

But there was also my dad. He fought for life. That is what I wanted to do as well. I wanted to fight just like dad. Fight for the cause. Fight for the good.

My mother might be haunting me, whenever I had dark thoughts which made me shiver and flinch from things that reminded me off her.

My dad was with me too, every day. He was there when I gathered myself together after Jacob cheated on me. He was there when I found courage to try medical school just one more time.

He was with me now.

Tonight, he saved my life. My memories of him were stronger than my memories of my mother.

Tomorrow, I would come back and find his grave properly. It had to be here somewhere.

It was time to leave the cemetery and warm up.

I tried to move, but I feared I was frozen in spot. I hissed when my ankle moved. An unexpected shot of pain went straight through my leg. Did I injure it further during my frantic walking?

For a second, I thought my eyes played tricks with me. I saw blood in the snow, near my feet. But it really was there, seemingly coming from my body.

 _I'm bleeding?_

"Jesus Christ," I heard from behind me.

His heavy footsteps approached me and I felt him yank the glass out of my hand.

He came to stand opposite of me. Even though I was shivering from cold, one or two of those shivers might've been caused by Edward Cullen and the way he was looking at me.

Gone was the hatred, the seek for revenge, the dark eyes and the stiff posture.

Edward watched me, his eyes covered with rage. Not _at_ me, I realized that much.

He was enraged because he saw me press a piece of glass against my wrist.

He didn't have to be a psychiatrist to conclude what I'd been trying to do. But he'd have to be a mind reader to know I wasn't really trying to kill myself. Not anymore.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** I'm writing this in the middle of the night. This chapter is a ride which I would prefer to read with the song Mr. Polska - Move Up. That beat!

Thank you for reading and reviewing, dear readers! I know that wait was long.

Enjoy :)

* * *

 **Chapter 15**

I noticed his clothing had changed. He no longer wore a court appropriate suit. Instead, he changed into jeans and now wore a black leather jacket.

He threw the glass over the graveyard very far away. He took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders. Only when I felt heat from the jacket on my shoulders I realized how badly I was shivering.

The words coming out of his mouth didn't quite reach my mind. A lot of context went missing.

"W-W-What?" I said with chattering teeth.

"Listen," he said quickly. "Two options."

He pointed up two fingers.

"I call an ambulance. Or I help you. Take your pick."

"I-I w-w-was l-l-leaving," I stuttered, pressing my hands in the ground and standing on my feet.

When all my weight was on my left ankle, I tumbled back and hissed. If I could walk, I was absolutely leaving.

He stared at my bare feet. He bent down and glanced at the bottom. I squinted my eyes and noticed most blood was around my feet. Were my feet bleeding?

My teeth were clattering badly and I didn't know how to stop it. A good way might be to get out of the cold as soon as possible.

Without any warning, he placed his arm under my knees. Images of before flashed before my eyes. Unpleasant images.

 _Edward verbally hurting me._

 _Rosalie verbally and physically._

 _The entire Cullen family against me._

"D-Don't t-t-touch me!" I forced out as strongly as I could.

At the same time, I crawled away backwards before he could do something stupid, like try and pick me up again.

"I'm not going to hurt you."

When his dark eyes reached mine, I remembered one of our conversations in a time where he and I were lying in his bed.

 _"How long would you wait?" I asked in a way that suggested that his answer was irrelevant._

 _"A week?" I continued lazily. "_ _A month?_ _A year?"_

 _For_ true love _how long would he have it in him to wait?_

 _We watched each other._

 _"You'd wait, like any other man, until that point where you find another true love. So really, true love doesn't exist. It's just sex. It always is."_

 _"Is that what you think?" he asked with a humourless smile._

 _Arguing wasn't going to get us anywhere. I looked away disappointingly._

 _"You're scared," he stated. "But I'm not your ex. He hurt you."_

 _He raised his body so that he was on all fours and no longer touching me._

 _"I will never be the reason behind your pain."_

 _"You can't promise me that."_

I stared at him, my breathing faltering at the returned memory. He said he'd never be the reason behind my pain. What a lousy comment that was to make of him. He hurt me, countless times.

"You p-promised m-me t-t-that o-once. To n-n-never h-hurt me."

He scoffed at first, only his nod confirmed that my flashback had been part of our night. It briefly made me wonder what we'd been talking about and how we reached the topic off true love. It was probably the alcohol

"Yes," he confirmed.

That being said, I watched him like a hawk at how bluntly he admitted to make a lousy promise.

"You can't stay here," he said with a certain rush in his voice, as if every second mattered. "You need to warm up. Right now."

"I-I d-d-don't w-want your h-help!"

"Fine by me," he said calmly, standing on his feet and taking his phone.

"W-What a-a-are y-y-you d-doing?"

He put the phone against his ear.

"W-W-Who...a-a-are y-y-you... c-c-calling?"

"An ambulance."

"N-No! P-P-Please h-hang u-u-up."

"You might not want my help, but you certainly need help. _Any_ help."

An ambulance would take me to the hospital and I didn't want to be in a hospital on the 24th. My dad died on this day and I couldn't stand it to be in a hospital tonight.

Anything was better than a hospital. Accepting Edward Cullen's help was better than a hospital.

"F-F-F-Fine," I whispered brokenly when an icy wind made me shiver so hard, even Edward watched worriedly. "H-H-Help me. P-P-Please, l-let's n-not involve an a-ambulance."

He was hesitant and I knew he needed an explanation to fully understand my plea.

"I-I c-can't b-be in a-a h-hospital on t-t-the d-day he d-d-died..."

I looked to my side as if I might find his grave right beside me, but it wasn't.

He put the phone in his pocket and crouched down beside me. My breaths were shallow and my body ached badly. I cried out in pain when I moved my ankle, testing it out again.

"Don't force it," he said quietly. "It might cause more damage. May I?"

He reached me slowly and tried again. This time, I allowed him to touch me, to lift me and to take me home. Home reminded me of my vandalized car and how I really couldn't drive it with this foot.

"I-I c-can't d-d-drive-"

He didn't allow me to finish, and his following words shut me up.

"I should've never allowed you to drive with this ankle. Even if I hated you."

I think his words broke me, especially because he sounded upset with himself. But that could be the cold under my skin, playing tricks with my mind. The brain was a mysterious thing. However, I was certain he said _hated_ , using the past tense. That should imply he no longer hated me, which couldn't be true.

Edward hated me, currently. He had to. Ever since I got in his life, everything turned into a mess.

His hands were cold, but felt pleasantly warm against my freezing skin - one hand wrapped around my knee, the other holding my shoulder. I pressed myself against him shamelessly when I felt his body had some heat, where mine had barely any.

"H-Hated?" I muttered in a world that was slowly going dark before my eyes, just like right before you fall asleep.

I believe he swore beneath his breath, quickening his steps.

For a second, all turned black. Or maybe for a day, a week or a year. I don't know how long I was gone and where I went.

His hard voice woke me up with a start.

"Hey!"

My body jerked at his sudden loud voice.

No, it must've been for a very short while, because I was still freezing.

"I need to open the door. I'm going to put you down, okay?"

I may have panicked, wondering how he thought I could stand. As he leaned down and my good foot touched the ground, he helped me lean against his car and get a grip on it so I wouldn't tumble over.

"You okay?" he asked, keeping one of his arms around my waist tightly.

He opened the door of the backseat and helped me sit down. I fell backward, my eyes shut.

If I said _yes_ , I would be lying.

If I said _no_ , I'd show him I was weak.

Saying nothing was rude, but I'd rather be rude that a liar or weak.

I whimpered when it started to hurt. I was scared I'd never find warmth again. I tried to make myself small, but the icy wet clothes and my wet hair were barely allowing my body to return to a healthy body temperature.

He quickly started the engine. He stepped out and once he shut the driver's seat door, he pulled me up by my arms. Even though his hands only touched me through the fabric of the jacket I wore, I could still feel extra warmth, for which I was grateful.

"Wake up," he said.

"W-Wasn't s-s-sleeping," I muttered, slowly opening my eyes.

He looked so worried. I couldn't help but scowl.

"You fainted before. That's a bad sign."

It didn't quite understand why that was a bad sign.

"I underestimated the situation. I have to call 911 so they can help you."

He reached into his pocket again and took out his phone. He started working on his phone and that's when I registered the meaning of his words. He was calling 911.

This was a lousy deal! I allowed him to help me if he didn't involve an ambulance. Yet, he still did. As infuriated as I was, I gave him a hard shove and snatched his phone out of his hand. He fell backwards and if it weren't for my anger, I might've even laughed at the funny look on his face.

My body was nearly frozen and my feet were soar, but I found strength to stand on both of them, aim for the dark side of the cemetery and throw his phone into the night. It disappeared into nothing. I never even heard a thud.

I laughed.

Then I broke. My body's momentary rush of adrenaline dropped drastically and so did I, right beside him.

"Did you throw my phone away?" he snapped.

"L-L-Learned t-t-that f-from y-y-your s-sister," I said, shivering harder than before and falling forward.

"Hey," he said quickly, holding me by the waist and lifting me in the car.

"Y-You h-have t-t-to s-s-stop m-making p-p-promises y-you c-can't k-k-keep! I-I t-told y-you t-to n-n-not involve a-an a-ambulance! T-That includes a-a h-h-hospital."

"In that case I need to take off your dress this instant. Unless you mind?"

He used very little words and I was certain it wasn't rocket science. Only, I feared the cold might be really the end of me and absorbing words was harder than doing complex math.

"M-My...d-d-dress...?"

"Do you mind?" he repeated.

"Huh?"

What was he talking about?

His eyes were dark yet again, only they looked determined.

"Fuck it," he concluded.

The jacket was off my back in a second. He then reached behind me and pulled the zipper down in a quick and fluid motion. He pushed my sticky wet dress down, which covered my chest, my bra, my stomach. His finger touched my back where the strap of my bra was. He undid it and my bra fell off. Somewhere in the fog of my thoughts, I thought how quickly he undid it.

As weakened as I felt, I couldn't find it in me to protest. Just a small whimper that might not even reach his ears. My eyes closed again. My hands went around my chest in a cross, trying to cover myself as much as I could.

 _Everything hurts._

What was he doing?

Very quickly, and I was grateful, the jacket came around my torso, covering my chest as well, since it was so large on my body.

It might've been less than five seconds, the amount of time my breast had been flashing before his eyes. Nothing more. Just five seconds, maybe even less. He might even not have looked at my breast. I couldn't know, because I was in the dark.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

My eyes opened weakly. He was working hard, not even lurking at my body. He was...professional.

That's when in slow-motion, I understood Edward's words. He'd been saying I needed to warm up. Only, he didn't know if I would allow it for him to take off all my wet clothes, which were further dropping my body temperature. He decided to call 911, but when I threw his phone away, he was left with no other options. Of course he could drive me to the hospital, but it was at least a twenty minute ride and apparently I'd fainted twice, which meant I was in critical condition.

The reason why he didn't do what he was doing now, was probably because he thought I would go to the police, like I'd done after the one night stand. He probably thought I'd be uncomfortable.

Then he said those two words that indicated he didn't care - _fuck it_. He'd rather go to jail than see me freeze to death. But why would he?

"Are you okay?" he repeated.

Something changed his mind and he did it anyway. He was pulling down the dress, over my hips, my legs, my feet. He threw it inside his car. I vaguely noticed blood on my dress, not quite knowing whose blood it was and where it came from. His hands held the top of my feet, warming them for a moment. The moment was too short, because I missed the heat that for a second went through my feet.

He threw off his tie, on the ground. He started unbuttoning his own blouse.

I could indeed report him for this, and if I did, he could be ruined more. For some reason he didn't care about that. What was that reason? What changed his mind so fervently?

"Please tell me if you're okay."

 _Me._

All the time he asked me if I was okay. Making sure I was okay. He didn't care about himself, his life, his reputation. He cared about me.

 _I think._

"H-Hey..." I said, trying to catch his attention.

It was horrible to speak when the body was so low on its temperature.

"Hmm?" he only said distractedly.

He didn't even glance at me, though I kept my eyes on him all the time.

"I-I s-s-should've k-know, right f-from t-the b-beginning."

"What?" he said defensively.

His angry, but mostly hurt eyes reached mine. He thought I was about to same something harmful.

"T-that y-y-you n-n-n-ever... r-raped... _anyone_."

I shut my eyes and tears spilled down the sides of my cheeks. The word rape was hard to say out loud, because it was filled with poison. Especially now that I knew that record Jacob gave me was false.

"I-I'm s-s-so s-sorry f-for e-everything," I stammered uncomfortably.

My eyes opened carefully when his gently fingers touched my shoulders.

"Lie down," he muttered, his eyes avoiding mine. "I need to shut the door."

The car was warm, probably from his previous ride to the cemetery. I was grateful for the heaters slowly filling the car with warmth. My backwards drop was less than classy. I held tightly on the jacket, because the car and that jacket were my only heat source.

He crawled inside and shut the door loudly, causing my body to jump at the sound. My eyes were closed as I felt strange for how he didn't acknowledge my confession, my apology. It seemed like he didn't care anymore and that hurt more than anything else.

I was a fool to even _think_ he cared about me.

His hands came underneath the jacket I was wearing causing my eyes to snap open in shock.

We had eye contact briefly. I inhaled deeply and tensed when his hands went all the way around my torso until his hands touched my back; one held my upper back, the other my lower back. Because his arms were now around me, the jacket had shifted and bared my chest again. I'd tried to hold unto it, but my hands - and I, were too weak.

He pressed his hot, bare chest against mine. His hands pulled me up toward him into a tight grip, leaving no space untouched.

It was instant gratification. My heartbeat went crazy and my breathing turned faster.

I'd been wrong. The car and his jacket were only a minor part as a heat source.

Edward's partly naked body was like the sun. I tried to breathe less fast, but my body hurt and I'd rather breathe fast than scream out in pain.

Everything about this was innocent. He was only trying to warm me up. Still, this act caused me to I inhale sharply. Perhaps because this was even more intimate than sex. I was naked and he only held me. Nothing more.

My fingers were painfully cold and not warming up. I shifted so that I could put my hands on his chest. Only, this was an uncomfortable position so I shifted my arms. They wrapped around him and my fingers touched his back. I became aware of my legs squeezing tightly against his hips. Suddenly I felt a strange groove in his back with my left hand. Before I realized what it was, my fingers had already touched it too obviously. It was one of those scars, as I'd seen in the picture on Google. So the article had to be about Edward.

I wanted to apologize, but my body started to get sore as it finally worked hard to live. I moved around, not handling it well at all. Maybe he needed to get off me now.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a serious tone, speaking for the first time since my apology.

"S-S-Sorry," I muttered when I touched his scar again accidentally.

I shut my eyes tightly when I touched one again. They seemed to be everywhere. I took deep breathes, trying to refrain from screaming.

"You don't have to apologize," he said quietly. "Are you okay?"

I looked at him in surprise.

"You're avoiding my question. Over and over."

That's when I broke eye contact, because for the first time since a long time he looked at me with those kind eyes I'd fallen for a long time ago. Those eyes used to hold humor and light. Later, they showed anger and hatred, even mock. Now they were bright and carefully observing me.

I exhaled very slowly, but it didn't help. I was still tense, still nervous, still very tired.

"I should've know, right from the beginning," he said very slowly.

Even in my frozen mind, I realized he was repeating my previous words.

He took my hands in his, more warmth radiating in my fingers. He released my hands too soon, only I felt his hands touch my sides, my hips, running up and down. He touched my thighs, my lower legs, and my feet again.

It didn't happen quickly, but I was starting to feel a little better. However, his hands didn't just warm me. Everywhere they went, they left a trail of sparks. It was like electricity awakening my body out of a frightening shock.

He remained quiet after that.

"What?" I muttered curiously.

He only spoke the words when ours eyes locked.

"That you never lied."

Now I was the one to turn my head and look away. Now I realized it took Edward a while to recover from my confession. After so much heart ache, so much confusion, hatred and anger, such a confession touched the soul.

"That you're innocent," he added.

My breathing was shallow and one of the few things that was obviously to be heard in the car.

"That there was something not right about your behaviour after you woke up."

He worked his hand around my body lazily, only now it was no longer for warmth. I felt a strange desire. I wanted him to touch me. I yearned for his touch.

But I couldn't. I shouldn't. In the end, it would only hurt me. He hated me. He was only touching me, because he guessed I was still cold. I no longer _needed_ his touch for warmth.

Now, I just needed it for my own personal desires. But that was selfish.

"S-Stop," I whispered reluctantly.

His entire body froze and he leaned up. Before he sat, he covered my chest with the jacket. He took off his blouse entirely and threw it over my bare upper legs.

I looked side-ways, only to see his pale face staring ahead of himself in shock. His attitude changed so abruptly. I told him to stop and he must've interpreted it wrongly.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"You're asking me?" he asked with a stiff smile, still without eye-contact.

"Yeah. I mean...I didn't say stop because I thought-" ... _you were going to hurt me._

I stopped abruptly and almost vomited at _everything_ that happened. There was once a time I thought he raped me. He looked at me and I knew that he was just as repulsed as I felt.

"H-Here's the thing," I muttered nervously.

It was time for the truth.

Now I stuttered because I was afraid and not because of the cold.

"T-This is a scene I never t-thought would happen. You and me, speaking. Like we are now. Because you h-hate me, Edward."

One part of his lips went up, just a tiny bit.

"I don't hate you, _Bella_ ," he said.

The extra emphasize on my name was odd, but I hadn't heard my name coming from him in a long time. Neither could I remember the last time I called him Edward.

"Yeah, you do, so don't humor me. It's just that I t-think..."

There I went stuttering again, and acting like a nervous teenager.

"I think, and I don't know h-how it happened or when, but I think that somewhere along the way, before I thought you... r-raped me, I think I fell for you. And I was attracted to you."

His stare was very unnerving, so I glanced away.

"Am. I _am_. I still am. At least, I think so, because your touch was driving me insane in a bad way, which was really in a good way, a perfect way, because..."

I brought my eyes to his and noticed for the first time how tired he really looked.

"I'm attracted to you," I finished. "So, yeah. That's why I said stop. Because. I don't know. I'm scared of... the way I feel about you. My feelings for you. And now everything changed, because from the start you were the good guy. And now we can never know what we could have...b-become. So, yeah. That's...it..."

There, I said it. I acknowledged it. For the first time.

To me.

To him.

"But you hate me. So my feelings don't matter. But yours do and...you deserve to know why I told you to stop. Not because I fear _you_. But because you're driving me insane. When you're helping me and touching me and seeing me naked and stuff. You're kind. You're super kind. And I've done terrible things. I'm a terrible person. I ruined your career and your life and your family."

It remained silent for a long time, where he stared at me with blank eyes.

"Super kind guys don't hurt sweet girls," he said with a scoff.

He watched me with pointed eyes.

"Did you just call me a sweet girl?" I asked with a slightly sour face.

"I hurt your hand, you said so yourself. And I sued you on this specific date. You didn't realize I did that on purpose just to hurt you? To know you couldn't mourn your dad on the only day you really need to, because you had to show up in court?"

I opened my mouth but he beat me to it.

"I hoped you would kill yourself like your mother did. I tried to break you."

 _Oh, shit._

"That's what you were doing tonight, trying to kill yourself. Looks like I almost got my wish fulfilled."

I pulled my legs into my chest. I wrapped the jacket and my arms around them and stared at my wounded knees.

He leaped the conversation into a very uncomfortable direction. I didn't like being here anymore.

"Will you drive me home, please?" I asked in a dead tone.

He would keep thinking I was suicidal and it was no use denying it if he refused to believe me.

He was fast after that. He switched seats and once he sat, he nearly raced away from the cemetery.

My car was still there of course, but it was too vandalized anyway and my ankle hurt too much to drive it.

"How did you know I was at the cemetery?" I asked.

It was when he didn't respond that I realized he was beautifully ignoring me. Therefor I just glanced outside and took calming breaths

It took me a full five minutes to realize he wasn't driving to my home. He didn't even know where I lived.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked suspiciously.

It was when again he ignored me again, that I lost my calm.

"I swear to God, I will jump out your car right now if you don't tell me."

Besides, he still though I was suicidal so what the heck did it care?

"Child safety lock," he only said.

I tested it carefully and found he was telling the truth.

"Funny, isn't it, how you speak of _feelings_ for me, while even now, you don't trust me. While you're threatening with _your life_ just because I don't tell you."

"Funny, isn't it," I said sarcastically, "how you tell me you won't call an ambulance, and then you do? Or how you tell me you'll drive me home, but instead, you're taking me someplace else!"

"I never told you I'd drive you home."

"That's unfair! It was implied when I asked and you started your car!"

"You tried to kill yourself," he said, as if that was an answer.

"That's not-"

"You're suicidal."

"No, I'm-"

"You were at a graveyard, speaking in riddles."

"No, it's not like-"

"It's okay," he said, in a way it made me wonder if he spoke more to himself than to me.

"The glass was blunt," I said quickly.

"You would've died, were it not from a loss of blood, it would've been the cold."

"I was planning to go to my car-"

"You really needn't convince me."

He'd given up. He was certain I was suicidal.

Now he was driving me someplace...unknown. The psychiatric hospital? Would they hospitalize me? Would they use force?

"Where are you taking me...?" I asked with an unpleasant feeling in my chest.

"A healthy mind is capable to make wise decisions."

I sank in the seat at his dead tone.

"You tried to commit suicide."

My eyes stung at how he was so sure about himself. I felt like there was nothing I could say to convince him.

An idea popped up. I didn't need to convince him, just like he said so. But he was my source of information regarding our one night stand.

"You owe me," I said.

"I owe you?"

"Yes."

"Is that so?"

"You intentionally hurt me," I said, looking at him from the rear view mirror in his eyes. "I never did that to you. I _thought_ you raped me. I was in despair. I was scared. I did what I thought was right. Not to hurt you. But to prevent other people for getting hurt by you."

He only glanced into the mirror for a second.

"I owe you what?" he asked curtly.

"One hour..." I said, mimicking what he told me that night, when he asked for one hour together.

"One hour?" he asked with a laugh. "What do you want? That I leave you unsupervised for one hour?"

"Keep me on a leash if you want to!" I snapped sarcastically. "I just want to know."

"You want to know what?" he asked robotically.

"How I ended up in your bed naked..."

"I don't know."

"You don't know how I ended up in your bed na-" I started to ask confusedly.

"I don't know about your motive. I'm not specialized in suicidal tendencies."

"My motive...? Do you have any idea...? I blacked out that night!" I said, my eyes stinging when the words left my lips.

"You said that in court," he stated.

"You don't know the half of it! I lied! I lied when I said I remembered the night. I don't remember it. Sometimes, bits come back to me. Tonight, a few bits came back to me. I only just now remembered everything in the club until just after we stepped out of the taxi. I can't remember the full picture. But you can. Can't you?"

I sniffed and looked in his rear view mirror. His eyes were on the road.

"You told your lawyer we didn't have sex. But I don't know why you would lie to him. I mean...why would you lie?"

I still remembered clearly how the lawyer screamed those words.

"Did you know?" I asked, changing the subject when I was ignored.

"About what?"

He was so formal.

 _Working._

He wasn't Edward right now. He was Dr. Cullen, the psychiatrist. I was his patient.

"You were my first."

He looked away. I could no longer see his eyes.

"Did you know?"

No response ever came. I leaned back and sobbed quietly as I felt I was being led to a place of hell. He thought I was suicidal and anyone who would see me right now would think the same.

The car moved quietly, but I allowed myself to enjoy being in the dark for a while longer.

It was mighty hard to expose yourself to another person. I did that. Edward didn't bother with a reply.

 _He ignores me._

As if giving my virginity to him was a minor detail.

I suppose it was.

"I know what you're thinking," I muttered.

"I doubt it."

"You must be thinking what a misfortune it was for you to have met me."

"That thought did cross my mind. But not anymore."

Not anymore. He did no longer think of meeting me as a misfortune. It had to be a joke, right?

I looked into the mirror again, watching his eyes. He only looked at the road and I couldn't make out any of his thoughts. It was frustrating to be not able to read him.

"Then what are you thinking?" I asked desperately.

"That I should probably tell you the truth."

"What truth?"

"About us."

"What truth?"

 _Us?_

There was no us. What was he talking about?

I realized I was repeating the exact same question, but I panicked. What could he possibly have lied to me about?

"You don't remember the night fully, correct?" he said.

"Yes."

"You remember just bits and pieces."

"Yes..."

He stopped the car and I looked at the surroundings in fright.

"Where did you take me?" I asked, but he already killed the engine, stepped out and shut the door.

With a scowl, he opened the door and bent through his knees.

"It's almost Christmas! You can't just throw me into some unknown place! You may have authority to dump me but I _promise_ I'm not suicidal. I thought about it, that's why I took that glass. But I changed my mind. I thought of my dad and I changed my mind."

"Breathe..." he said with a scoff.

"No, _Edward_ ," I said, shaking my head hard. "I can't be in some strange hospital. I can't handle that, okay? I can't. Don't do that to me, Edward. Please don't do that."

"Okay, Bella," he said with a quick nod.

I didn't believe him.

"Where did you take me?" I asked with a hurt voice.

"Don't you remember where I live?"

"No," I confessed too quickly.

"Do you remember the last time we spoke over the phone?"

I nodded. How could I forget?

"I asked you if I should give you the benefit of the doubt. I decided against it. Look where it got me? Suing someone innocent. Breaking you."

I glanced up at the the house, his house. He took me to his place.

"Oh," I said, seeing he listened to me. "Oh!"

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt now. Let me remind you, if you do anything suspicious, I'll tie you, call an ambulance and make a personal note that you're unfit to make decisions regarding your own life. Do I make myself clear?"

I should've been scared. But he took me to his home instead of some unknown, scary place. He wasn't the Grinch after all.

He listened to me. What changed his mind? Why was he such a closed book? I told him he was my first. Maybe that was what changed his mind. I would ask him later, but for now I would enjoy the moment of still having my freedom.

Since I wasn't scared of his threat, I asked, "How will you make the call?"

"What?" he asked with a scowl.

"Your phone is currently with the dead."

He stared at me blankly.

My lips had _very_ much trouble staying in a straight line.

"Very funny," he eventually said. "Do you have your phone on you?"

I looked down. I was naked, except for my panties and his jacket around my shoulders.

"Mine is in that thing that Rosalie kinda ruined."

"Great."

His voice sounded clipped.

"You don't have a house phone or something?" I asked, because someone as rich as him would certainly have one.

"As a matter of fact, no. And my Wi-Fi disconnected this morning."

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

These days, with no phone and Wi-Fi...

"Rough life, Edward," I said. "Rough life."

He narrowed his eyes.

"What?" I muttered at the suspicious look in his eyes.

"Are you trying to be funny?" he asked.

"I'm waiting for the moment you say, Welcome to the 19th century."

"You _are_ trying to be funny," he said with raised eyebrows.

"This is your karma for being mean to me this afternoon. My mum didn't kill herself because of me. Of all the things you've said and done, that one hurt the most."

I shivered when the wind blew into my very little clothes.

He nodded and looked down.

"I know it hurt you," he said. "But at least it wasn't effective."

"Effective?"

"Yes. It would've been effective if you'd chosen to believe me."

* * *

"Fuck," he hissed.

He was working with the heaters, while I looked around the nearly empty house.

Most of it was gone. The house seemed so...large. Larger than before. There were only a few boxes at the entrance, a couch which I currently sat on. I noticed a few chairs. He'd found a large blanket and I found some warmth in it.

He had placed a bowl with some water in it beside me and handed me a towel when I insisted that I could clean my feet myself.

As I looked and dabbed, most of the wounds were superficial.

"Are you moving out?" I asked.

"Yes."

He didn't say much after that, neither did he care to say why or where he was moving to.

Edward didn't trust me with my own life. He kept glancing at me as if I might do something very stupid.

When I tried a joke, he didn't laugh.

"Trying to check if I'm not holding my breath, because I'm super suicidal?"

Instead he glared at me and I glanced away innocently.

"What truth did you want to tell me?" I asked.

"Not now."

He sounded serious and I...wasn't. I was in a sudden good mood which I couldn't break.

It was actually fun.

"Did we get married in Vegas?"

Again, he glared at me, only he also stood up and stepped over to me. He sat beside me, but didn't lean back. He turned his head and watched me curiously.

"There would have been a ring," he said.

"Maybe I took it off in the night."

"Why would you do that?"

He leaned back and played along.

It was simple. Playing pretends.

"Maybe it was too big and I didn't want to offend you."

 _Huh._

That sounded odd. There was an unexpected innuendo in there.

He stared at me with narrowed eyes.

"The ring, I meant...falling off my finger and..."

Though, it made me wonder...

"Are you? Big?"

Before, when he looked shocked because I pushed him and threw his phone into the dark, I didn't laugh due to the situation. But now when his face showed shock, I couldn't help but laugh at the funny look on his face.

"Are you on something?" he asked.

"No," I said, giggling non-stop.

He came closer and held my chin all off a sudden. He looked into my eyes, searching for something.

Slowly, my smile faded, because this was feeling awkward.

"No prescribed drugs?" he asked.

"No..."

"No unprescribed drugs?" he even dared to ask.

"No..."

"Huh," he only said, releasing me.

"Can I go?" I said, glancing away.

"You want to go?" he asked with a confused tone.

I nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't want to be your patient."

"My patient?" he asked with an incredulous smile.

"Yes, I wanted to know about that night, but not if you consider me as a patient."

"If you were my patient, you wouldn't be here. If you were my patient, I wouldn't care about what you want. If you were my patient, I wouldn't have..."

He shut his mouth and shook his head.

I wanted to know what he'd been about to say. I decided no to push him, even though I wanted.

"Do you...believe me?" I asked. "That I'm not taking any drugs."

"Yes," he said instantly.

"That's nice," I muttered. "How did you know I was at the cemetery?"

"It's the first thing that came up when I wondered where you might be."

"I'm that predictable?"

"No, sweetheart. Most of the time you're an enigma. But your dad died on Christmas Eve. I thought, where would I be if mine died on Christmas Eve and I'd just been put through hell in court?"

"Oh...why did you wonder where I might be?"

"Because I don't hate you."

I froze...he said it again.

"Really?" I muttered.

"Really."

He did have a strange way with words.

"You know, I wasn't rambling at the cemetery. I was trying to find where they've buried my dad."

He steered his head, scoffing. I could feel his next question arriving. Before I answered, I dropped my eyes before his reached mine.

"No, I don't know where he's buried. I didn't go to the funeral. I never visited his grave. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I thought about it, just briefly, but I didn't. My dad was a fighter and he'd hate me if I didn't fight too."

I looked up and noticed his confused eyes.

"I don't expect you to understand. You still have both your parents."

"Even if you don't expect me to understand, can I ask a question?" he said.

I shrugged.

"Why have you never been to his grave?"

"She's buried with him."

"You're mother?"

"Yes. My mum. They hadn't buried him yet and when she died a few days later, they thought it would be romantic to bury them together."

"Did you notice?"

"What?"

"That's the second time you mentioned her as your mum. Not mother."

It hit me like a brick when I realized he was right.

"I didn't notice..." I said, dabbing at my feet in hopes to distract myself of the sudden realization.

"You also made a joke about suicide. Did you notice that?"

Of course he was right about that as well, when I told him if he was checking on me to see if I wasn't holding my breath...because I was super suicidal.

"No..." I said shakily.

"And you didn't even flinch," he added.

"No," I repeated in shock.

"I called you sweetheart," he continued. "No reaction came from you. No flinch, no anger."

I closed my eyes.

 _What's happening to me?_

"Is that good or bad?" he asked.

"I don't know," I muttered. "I'm not sure what's happening..."

When he didn't say anything, I looked at him in hope. He had answers, he must've.

" _You_ know," I said. "You're the psychiatrist."

"I'm not your psychiatrist."

"But you _know_ ," I said. "Tell me...tell me what you think."

He smiled a little, saying, "I only have a theory. It doesn't make it the truth."

"I'll take it."

"I think it's...a good sign. You refer to your mother as mum. Maybe you stopped hating her, even if it's just for a moment. You might hate her again tomorrow. The joke about suicide was maybe because you overcame the thoughts yourself and now no longer have trouble with it. And I don't know why pet names no longer affect you."

"You," I said.

"What?"

Realizing too late I said that out loud, I thought I should at least explain it.

"When you say a pet name, it's not so bad, I suppose. It doesn't bother me."

"Hmm."

"You believe me, about overcoming the thoughts of suicide?" I said hesitantly.

"I have to," he said with an awkward smile. "I want to. I don't want you to be suicidal."

"I'm not," I said quickly. "I'll stay here until you're no longer second guessing."

He nodded.

"I've hated her a lot for killing herself," I blurted out. "I'm so tired of hating everyone. I don't want to hate her. I hated you. And now, I should probably direct my hate towards Jacob. But I don't want to."

I glanced at him with tears in my eyes.

"Would you hate me if I decided to not hate Jacob?"

"Why would I?"

"After everything he did to you. Because he tried to break you. He-"

"No," he said. "He didn't try to break me, sweet Bella. He broke you."

I shook my head in denial.

"He saw us together that night and the next day he tried to scare you. That fact that you blacked out worked out in his favour. He could have never known. He could've never known you'd go to the police and report me."

"No..." I muttered. "No..."

I remembered all those texts I sent him. I searched for my phone, only to realize I still wasn't wearing any clothes and that my phone was in my car, which was still at the cemetery.

"Oh my God. I did this."

"Really, huh?" he asked sceptically.

"I gave him ideas without knowing so! We texted...I told him stuff. I remember once I texted him in anger about how you could still work as a psychiatrist in a hospital, with that record and stuff. He got you fired, but I gave him the idea."

I pressed my hand against my lips and noticed his scowl. He now knew I was in fact guilty of at least one thing.

"Edward, I'm so sorry..."

" _Bella_ , he only cared about breaking you. In the process of getting me fired, he knew I'd sue you. He's not stupid. And by suing you, I would break you, just like he wanted. Everything was directed to _you_. He doesn't even know me. He didn't care about me getting fired or not. He wanted to see you shatter."

The way he looked spoke volumes, because he really believed that. If that was true, I wondered why on earth Jacob would hate me so much?

There was however still one thing that made no sense.

"No...it can't...you punched him. I thought you were angry for what he'd put you through. Because...you lost your job and-"

He shook his head.

"Then why did you punch him?" I asked. "If it weren't for you?"

I knew the answer. It was the way he looked at me.

"You were angry for what he put me through?" I asked in a voice that went very small.

He nodded slowly.

"He's done too much to you. He turned me against you."

"He turned me against you too," I said in a small voice.

"No, sweetheart, you still have no idea what he's done to you. But I'll try to explain. It might come as a shock. But first..."

He took my right hand and looked. There wasn't any bruise, luckily, but it was the one he squeezed hard. He leaned down and pressed his lips against my knuckles.

"Forgive me," he said.

 _"To me, sweetheart, that was one big fucking stop sign."_

 _I flinched hard when he cursed, and Edward took my head quickly and gently in both his hands and kissed the front of my head._

 _"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. I'll be more careful. Forgive me. Forgive me."_

 _He leaned down to press his lips onto my shoulder, just there where the blouse had slipped down my shoulder._

 _"It's alright," I whispered back._

 _It was an accident after all. I'd really upset him. And it felt like he was already making it up to me._

 _"It doesn't necessarily call for trouble, or mess, or pain. We could still..."_

 _"Please tell me why you want it so badly."_

 _He lips created a wet trail as he left open mouthed kissed all over my shoulder until he reached my collarbone._

 _I shook my head, but I could tell I was this close to telling him about my feelings for him, that had appeared inside my body out of thin air._

 _"I could've hurt you. Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about doing it gently. What made you think taking that risk was worth more than telling me the truth about your inexperience?"_

 _I was breathing heavily now as his mouth worked on my skin, leaving it hot and cold at the same time._

 _My body was tense, and my mind wasn't very sharp anymore._

 _I spoke without knowing what I was saying._

 _"You're nice," I said. "Very nice."_

 _His lips left my skin and he pulled himself up._

 _"I won't let sex come between a man and I again. Because that's what happened last time. My boyfriend left me to screw with some other girl."_

 _He was watching me with a strange look, until his lips shut and looked away briefly._

 _"Please don't stop, Edward," I whispered, placing my hand on his chest softly. "Because I like you."_

I snatched my hand out of his.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" I hissed.

"What?"

There was clear confusion in his voice, but also hesitation.

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"Say it."

"I just remembered another part of that night. The part where I told you that I think you're very nice and that I begged you to not stop like some whore because I said that I like you."

He watched me passively.

"I asked if you knew that you were my first, and you ignored me. But you knew! I...told you, I guess. But I don't know yet how? But why didn't you tell me that you knew I was a virgin? Why did you ignore me in the car?"

"What did you remember?" he asked with a steer of his head.

"The part where I'm a slut."

He chuckled and I could feel myself grow frustrated.

"I'm a begging slut."

"You're innocent..."

"No," I said. "No. I remember clearly. I was begging you."

"That doesn't make you a slut."

"I'm a slut," I said. "A slutty whore. Just admit it. I can handle it."

"Bella, one of us is a slut."

"No need to rub it in like that," I said, but I couldn't help and laugh a little.

"Bella," he said with a real smile that reached his eyes.

"Edward," I said in a voice that might suggest I was begging him. " _Edward..._ Eeeeeed-"

I stopped when he burst out in laughter.

"Oh my God," I muttered. "I'm insane. That's what you're thinking. You probably didn't believe me when I said I'm a virgin. You thought I'm a slut. So we had sex. Because I'm a slut."

He leaned toward me and wrapped his arms around me. I froze a little when he pushed me against him in a hug.

"I'll hold you," he said. "And I'll hold you tight. Because what I have to tell you might cause for you to leap towards the mountains."

The way his grip gave me so much comfort didn't allow me to even mind what he was saying. I accepted his affection, even if it wasn't affection. Even if he was preventing me from running away, for whatever he was about to tell me. This wasn't a hug, but I'd enjoy it for as long as it lasted.

"A virgin can't call herself a whore. Or a slut. It's theoretically impossible."

 _He said what?_

When I tried to move away, that's when his grip tightened. This was his big news, the _truth_ he mentioned in the car.

"Don't run," he said. "It's okay."

 _I'm a virgin._

 _I still am._


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** It's been too long! I'm sorry if I kept you waiting. Thanks for those who reviewed and sent me messages!

I hope this long chapter will make it up.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 16**

"You can let go of me now," I forced out.

"If anyone was the slut, it was me."

"Excuse me?" I said, struggling against his much stronger arms.

It was getting oddly funny, but I couldn't laugh. It was too, too strange.

However, a strange sound escaped my lips. It sounded as if I was being choked by invisible hands around my neck.

His arms loosened and I escaped his embrace.

"I almost didn't care about your virginity. I almost talked myself out of it."

"Almost?" I said in a strained voice.

Hell froze over, because I knew what his next comment was going to be. And that would be the end of it.

I thought we had sex, and now would be the moment he was going to say we didn't have sex. A scenario might be that I passed out from all the alcohol I drank. This would completely explain why Edward all this time called me a liar. Each time I mentioned sex or rape, to Alice, to the police, he knew the opposite was true and that made me, in his eyes a liar.

Everything made sense now.

To lie in court and say that we had sex - in other words, _admit_ it wasn't rape, that was one. But to realize so painfully hard that there had never been any sex between Edward and I...

I was completely humiliated.

"I get the picture, alright?"

"Unless you call second base-"

He needn't finish that sentence.

I remembered.

But not before I thought; that's not what I expected his next comment to be.

There had been sexual activities that night...

 _"I'm sorry for that," I said._

 _"The kiss?" he said jokingly. "By all means, continue."_

 _"Will it lead to all the way?" I asked, slowly pressing my lips against his right shoulder._

 _I was only joking. I even laughed a little at the meaningless words. I already knew he would say no._

 _When I pressed my lips against his scar, he inhaled deeply and answered._

 _"We could go. A way. Not all the way."_

 _He turned his head to me but because of the angle I could only see the side of his face._

 _"But maybe second base," he continued._

 _I froze with my lips on his skin._

 _"If you want," he added._

 _Now that he mentioned this, I felt like he'd struck me with lightening. Sex was...well, sex._

 _Second base involved...touching, hands, mouths...orgasms... Maybe I wasn't ready for that kind of action just yet._

 _What was wrong with me? Sex involved those things as well. But I still had this feeling that sex was different...worth less. Satisfying._

 _He turned around and watched me carefully._

 _"I'm sorry," he said. "Forget I mentioned it."_

 _"Don't be sorry..." I mumbled._

 _"But it made you upset," he stated._

 _I shook my head, hard and quickly. He had it all wrong. I wasn't upset. I was just...ashamed._

 _"It's not...that you mentioned it, which has me... it's just... you're... probably... you've been with other girls. Or maybe women is a better word."_

 _I swallowed nervously. But it was better to just say it fast. Like ripping off a band-aid. Rather quick than slow._

 _"My experience. It's nothing. It isn't worth anything. I just don't want you to be upset again or get your expectations up too high."_

 _I shook my head again._

 _"I'm just a girl with no experience."_

 _His hand reached my upper arm, slowly drawing circles around my arm. At some point, I looked at him and found his eyes were watching me with precaution._

 _"What?" I muttered desperately._

 _"I don't care about your experience."_

"So yeah," I stated, feeling completely weak.

He was scowling deeply.

"You practically disappeared," he said. "Did you...remember something?"

I looked around uneasily, slightly upset that he noticed. Apparently during the flashback, he'd been speaking to me. Or he just _noticed_. Great.

"Were you saying something?" I said instead.

His hand touched my cheek briefly and I inhaled deeply, because it still felt like electricity against my skin. In a reflex, I withdrew my head quickly to break that spell and no longer be influenced by one of his simple touches.

I turned my eyes to him quickly. Confused. Uncomprehending.

"No, I wasn't," he said, seemingly unaffected by my bolt to his touch. "You stopped moving and turned very silent."

So that's what happened when I entered my own world? I noticed his eyes showed a certain confusion which I didn't blame him. Therefore, I answered his question quickly.

"I remember that I was saying to you that I've no experience and you said you didn't care. I don't remember the rest. But I can guess."

 _I gave him a blowjob. Fantastic. How drunk was I?_

"Yeah, I'm sure you can," he said with a hint of sarcasm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shot back.

"It means that you're wrong."

"You have no idea what I'm thinking."

"I do. You're probably wondering if you swallowed or spit it out."

My mouth dropped open.

"I also think you need a certain trigger to help you remember."

I stared at him angrily.

"I didn't go second base. You went second base."

With my eyes locked on him, he indeed gave me one hell of a trigger.

 _"I think you will."_

 _He gave me a look but I didn't accept it this way. He needed to know why I was reluctant._

 _"This is the thing. All I've ever done with Jacob is kissing. That's it."_

 _"What about other guys?"_

 _"Jacob was my first kiss and even that...we didn't do very often."_

 _I was staring at the ceiling as he was probably pondering the meaning behind all this._

 _"When you say kissing, do you mean to say that there has been no second basing what so ever?"_

 _"None..."_

 _"Not with Jacob, not with any other guy...or girl?"_

 _I shook my head again._

 _"Bella."_

 _"Hmm."_

 _"I'm not going second base tonight."_

 _"Huh."_

 _This was awkward._

 _"I always thought guys would jump at any opportunity for sex. But then, you say no to sex, just because I'm a virgin. Now, you say no to second base, just because I say I've no experience with that either. It's funny, don't you think?"_

 _"Hilarious," he said, his voice filled with sarcasm._

 _I turned my eyes to his and let my heart grow cold. He raised an eyebrow upon noticing something on my face. I probably looked like an angry bitch. However, I felt like someone was crushing my heart - that someone being Edward Cullen._

 _"Edward, does this make you gay?"_

 _"Isn't that what Anastasia Steele asked Christian Grey?"_

 _"No. Yes. What's your obsessions with Fifty Shades? Answer the question."_

 _"No," he said with humour in his eyes._

 _"Oh. So this means that you're not attracted to me."_

 _Why was I even still here? I should be getting dressed, find all my stuff and get the heck away from here._

 _It was alcohol that kept me flat on the bed. I was tired, weak and comfortable on this amazing mattress. I would definitely need to ask him where he bought this mattress._

 _"I'm going to have so much fun with you," he said with a smirk._

 _I froze when he kissed my neck. His hands cupped my breasts and squeezed hard. My body jerked upwards._

 _What was happening? Why was he doing this? This wasn't how I thought it would go._

 _I heard him say it, didn't I? He refused second base. Did I not just hear him so no to all the way and second base?_

 _"Squeezing boobs is second base," I said with a giggle, because for some reason the word boobs was funny._

 _Alcohol...if it weren't for alcohol, I wouldn't have said such a thing out loud._

 _Some sober part in me resurfaced as I briefly thought of what he was doing, contrary to what he said he didn't want to do. This was unfair to me. I deserved better._

 _"Are you just messing with me now?" I muttered, my eyes turning wet suddenly. "Messing with the nun you'd rather have never brought home with you?"_

 _"You've mistaken the meaning of my words."_

 _"Oh, of course, blame it on the nun. By all means, enlighten me. Or release me, because... Edward, I can't think clearly when you're touching me."_

 _He watched me with humour in his eyes and I even detected some cockiness._

 _"Is that so?"_

 _"You're a terrible tease. If I wasn't so drunk, I'd have gone a long, long, really long time ago."_

 _"That long?" he said with a grin._

 _"Yep. I'd have never come with you here in the first place."_

 _He laughed and slowly reached my lips with his own._

 _"You are going second base," he said against my lips._

 _I barely heard his words. The meaning behind them was however crystal clear, yes... and I still feigned innocence._

 _"What's the difference?"_

 _"It means I'm serious about you, sweetheart. It means I didn't bring you here tonight for a quick fuck. I'm am very, very, very attracted to you. I meant that I'm going to have fun showing you just how attracted I am to you. Because you don't know. You don't know how quick and hard I'm falling for you."_

 _I felt my eyes were wide against his. How did he manage to tease, play and joke, then turn and say something as serious as that? How could he crush my fragile heart, only to rebuild it into a solid, unbreakable foundation?_

 _He dropped his head in my neck and groaned. His hands roamed down, past my breast and waist, until they no longer touched me._

 _"Ah, no," he muttered. "I'm so sorry for calling you sweetheart and for swearing. I'm not doing it on purpose."_

 _The sweetheart part and fuck part didn't faze me._

 _I might, for the first time in my life, believe that a man really did like me for more than just his sexual cravings._

 _He looked up after a while._

 _"I'll try and be better, okay?" he said with an uncertain look in his eyes. "Are we good?"_

 _"Yeah..." I whispered. "Perfect."_

 _With his confused eyes on mine, I leaned up a little until my lips touched his. I brought one of my hands behind his neck and pulled him down with me, so that my head touched the pillow again._

 _"When you say it..." I said in between kissed. "It's not so bad...maybe eventually...I won't mind so much...anymore...or at all."_

 _He kissed me with hunger. His body moved and my legs wrapped around his hips._

 _"Bella..." he said._

 _I kissed him again, not liking being released._

 _"Don't tempt me..." he muttered._

 _He still thought I wanted to spare my virginity. Could I convince him it meant nothing to me? I was hardly drunk._

 _I giggled._

 _Alright, maybe I was a little drunk._

 _He released my lips softly and watched me with narrowed, amused eyes._

 _"You're tempting me on purpose, aren't you?"_

 _"I wouldn't know how..."_

 _"No?" he said with raised eyebrows._

 _I shook my head._

 _"What you're doing right now...it's tempting me. More than you probably know."_

 _"Then take your chance," I whispered. "I want it too."_

 _I pulled his hips into my body with my legs. His eyes shut tightly, almost as if in pain._

 _"If I'm not...just...a quick...f-fuck...why won't you show me? I'll believe you."_

 _He opened his eyes and I noticed they were a bit darker than before._

 _"You're a virgin..." he said, his eyes unsure._

 _"It doesn't matter," I said._

 _He didn't answer me, but instead leaned down and pressed light kisses against my chest._

 _"How does...sex...feel?" I said awkwardly._

 _"Good."_

 _"I've never had one," I said with closed eyes. "I tried, few times. It was like a bad dream...it didn't happen..."_

 _"What are you talking about?" he said with amusement in his voice._

 _When we locked eyes, I gathered all the courage I had._

 _"An orgasm."_

 _His lips were parted, but he no longer spoke._

 _"I thought...since you want honesty...that you should know. Because you said you don't care about my inexperience and I thought maybe now you would..."_

 _He sat down on me and stared at the wall in front of him with a scowl._

 _"What is it supposed to feel like?" I asked, because his silence was deadly._

 _"Good," he repeated._

 _His face showed so little. His eyes never reached mine._

 _"Have you ever watched porn?" he threw in my face._

 _"Uhm...no."_

 _"Read porn?"_

 _Those eyes...I could tell he was seeing or rereading his favourite porn, while my eyes felt like they might almost pop out of their sockets._

 _"Uhh...no..."_

 _He stared at me for a moment._

 _"Should I have?" I wondered._

 _The side of his lips went up._

 _"Why are you looking at me like that...?"_

 _He was staring at me in a way that showed he knew all the secrets of sex._

 _"Do you have porn?" I said. "I mean, let's watch it. Like, what's the big deal?"_

 _"There's no big deal."_

 _"You're freaking me out._ _Should I not have told you?"_

 _A slow smile appeared on his lips._

 _"You can tell me anything," he said._

 _"But? There's a but. I can tell, there's a but. Tell me."_

 _"Bella," he said with a chuckle, probably at my quick ranting. "You just caught me off guard."_

 _"Didn't know that's possible..."_

 _"It happens, rarely, on occasions when an attractive girl tells me she's a virgin and never had an orgasme."_

 _"Jerk," I said, just for the effect._

 _I was nervous._

 _I was exposing myself._

 _I was uncertain._

 _He leaned down and pressed his lips against my lips._

 _"I love you too," he said jokingly._

 _His lips descended, kissing me as he reached my belly._

 _"Oh, shit," I said after giving that a thought. "I don't love you! I never said I do! What's wrong with you?"_

 _He laughed and dropped his head against my belly._

 _"What's funny?"_

 _"You are," he said, both of our bodies shaking because he was laughing so hard._

 _"I'm not funny," I disagreed._

 _The he kissed my belly again._ _Only when his lips touched my lower belly did I realize he was descending all the time._

 _"Where are you going?" I said instantly. "What are you doing?"_

 _"You'll know when it happens."_

 _"When what happens?"_

 _My legs were flat on the bed, but he grabbed my knees and pulled them up slowly. Then he pulled them apart while I started to breathe faster._

 _"An orgasm," he answered._

 _I stared at the ceiling._

 _"I think I know what you're going to do," I said._

 _"Oh, so you_ do _know about sex?" he said teasingly._

 _"Bio high school books don't count..." I muttered._

 _Oh...was he really going to do this? Did I want this? Did I want him to do this? What if I didn't feel anything? Would I have to do that this which other girls called faking?_

 _I didn't even know what that meant._

 _God, God, God...this was embarrassing._

 _His hands encircled my ankles and pulled them apart completely. I gasped and pressed both hands against my head._

 _"No," he said. "You're right. Those don't count."_

 _"I might not feel a thing. Maybe I'm defective."_

 _"You're not."_

 _"How do you know?" I muttered unsure._

 _"Trust me. You're perfect."_

My body jerked at the memory, inching just a little away from Mr Dirty. Mr Sex God. He'd been good. Very good. And I'd been loud. Moaning and repeating his name, much to his pleasure.

Was it warm in this room?

"Your cheeks are turning red," he said.

"Yes," I said automatically, squeezing the small towel into the bowl and pressing it against my hands, rubbing some of the blood and sand away. "You're blunt."

All this time I thought he took my virginity...by force, even. Instead, all he did was give. Never take.

"Now you know."

"Thank you. I mean, yes. I remember. Clearly. Shit."

I pressed my lips on each other hard and hoped I would stop the verbal diarrhoea.

"That's doesn't count as sex...unless you think otherwise," he said.

No, that didn't count as sex. It was...surely something, but it wasn't _sex_.

"Either way, you're not a whore."

"I'm still a virgin," I stated.

I flinched at the thought and covered my face with my hand for a long time.

"Legally speaking, yes. Be proud of it."

 _"Your virginity is yours. Nobody has a right to claim it, not even your boyfriend. You didn't do anything wrong."_

 _Had I? Had I really done everything? But there were so many things I could have done differently._

 _"But it's just sex..." I tried, but he didn't take it._

 _"Sex should have been, once you were ready for it, a pleasant surprise for him. Not a relationship saver. Never a relationship saver. Sex is not the definition of a couple."_

"Isn't it?" I said distastefully.

"Isn't it?" he asked slowly.

"Isn't sex the definition of a couple?"

"No," he said. "Of course not."

I kept my eyes shut and covered with my hands.

"What made you say that? You do realize you're jumping from one topic to another?"

"Yeah," I muttered. "I just remembered another bit of the night."

"It hasn't all come back to you yet?" he said with a scowl.

"No, but-"

"But?"

"I know the important stuff now."

"Okay," he said. "If you say so."

I turned my eyes to him and felt like a building collapsed on top of me. He just watched me innocently.

"There's more?" I croaked out.

He shrugged.

I swallowed nervously.

"We can stop talking about it. It's nothing crucial."

"If you say so," I said, repeating his previous words.

"How come you assumed we had sex?"

No mercy, no warning. He simply asked the questions as if it was a riddle to him. I took a deep breath and gathered enough courage to look at him.

Everything just flew out of my mouth. It seemed like the verbal diarrhoea wasn't finished yet.

"I woke up alone in a stranger's bed with an empty mind and a pounding head, naked except for panties and a blouse that wasn't mine. I saw a condom on the ground and a ripped foil. Excuse me for assuming the obvious. I've never heard of a boy and girl ending their night together, but not with sex."

That should've answered his questions. But I further elaborated. I needed to explain to him how everything started to turn into this mess.

"How come I thought you raped me?" I asked so softly I wondered if he would still make out the words. "Next day at work, Jacob showed up. I read those...things in the criminal record and I assumed...the worst. I'm sorry. The thought of Jacob...selling lies to me...really didn't cross my mind until this afternoon."

I looked up at him and noticed his eyes had grown just a little darker and a little less cheerful.

"I left work, left Mike, not even sure what I told him and... I had to stop my car because my vision was blurry. I stranded somewhere on the highway and waited...waited for that... feeling to stop. Then I had to pick myself together, because Alice was having a heart attack. Afterwards, I went to the police. I believe you know the rest."

Once I glanced his way, he was only gazing into the distance. It seemed like he hadn't heard a word I said.

 _Great._

"You revived Alice?" he said, turning his sharp eyes to me.

I looked away quickly.

 _He doesn't know._

"I saw you in the hospital that night. You were walking fast. Crashed right into me. Guess one of your parents or Rosalie told you about Alice."

"They didn't tell me it was _you_."

"Would it have mattered?" I asked tiredly. "Anyway, your family thought I was trash."

His stare then and there started to unnerve me. I gave him a hard push.

That was my privilege.

"Don't stare at me like that. Anyway, you lied in court," I blurted out, suddenly remembering what he said and now knowing the truth.

It took me only a second to only come up with a blank mind as to why he would lie in court and tell the judge that he and I had sex.

I felt more insecure than ever. There was no logical reason as to why he would do that. Except...his lawyers' fact thrown in my face out of nowhere.

Anyone with a criminal record can't study medicine. I surely would've received one for lying in court, for saying Edward and I had sex, while that wasn't true.

"I didn't lie on court," he said. "I wasn't testifying. However, you were. Why did you lie on court and tell the judge we had sex?"

"Well, we…I…it's what I thought. I thought it happened. I thought it was obvious."

"But you were never sure. You guessed. You thought I raped you."

I snapped my eyes away from his and took a strained breath. I kept my eyes solidly in front of me.

For the first time he said it carelessly. It almost seemed normal.

 _'You thought I raped you.'_

In fact, nothing about this was normal. A sudden urge to cry overwhelmed me. My voice tumbled over when I spoke.

"I was betting on Alice. She told me...that you never hurt anyone. So..."

"Betting," he said, testing out the word.

"Yeah," I muttered, my voice weak.

This was starting to become a game where he'd realize I was an idiot. He chose an idiot.

I was a nun.

I was an idiot.

I accused an innocent man of rape.

I believed my ex, despite my knowledge about him.

"You still weren't sure," he said slowly, as if I might not comprehend it.

"You're right," I said in a hoarse voice. "I thought you raped me. I lied in court, even though I wasn't sure. I was never sure."

I almost cried but his hands took mine. This small act kept the tears at bay, luckily. My eyes snapped to his, but his were down, looking at my hands with a scowl. He seemed to be inspecting them, though I wondered why. I'd managed to get most sand out of the superficial scrapes. Besides, I was safe if he was concerned about tetanus, I'd been given a shot just recently.

Of course he wasn't concerned about that. What was I even thinking?

I swallowed nervously, because for some reason my dirty hands laid in his large, clean ones.

"So the thought that we didn't have sex never crossed your mind?" he asked with a certain amount of irony in his voice which clenched my chest horribly.

Yes, it did cross my mind. Once it did and it was brief. If only I'd given more thought to it...

None of this would've happened if I'd given it just a little more thought.

"You really don't have to mock me," I said in despair, taking my hands out of his. "Because it did cross my mind but I couldn't stop thinking about the words...manslaughter...attempted rape...getting away with it all. I thought you might kill me. I thought you raped me, drugged me. I went through sexual assault examination at the hospital which was...painful...terrible...do you...have _any_ idea...how messed up all of this is? How messed up I feel?"

I choked and I cried. No longer could I keep up a strong wall around me.

His hand reached me, but I raised my own.

"Don't," I pleaded, looking the other way and wiping my eyes against the sheets.

Tears kept dropping and since it hurt, I couldn't keep the sobs at bay. I wasn't crying because his comment upset me.

I broke because everything hit me all at once.

"I shouldn't have asked," he said quickly. "I'm sorry."

"I know what you're thinking," I said in a sobbing voice.

"I doubt it," he said, repeating what he also said back in the car.

"I should've been more alert. I could've easily recognized all these... loops...Jacob reappearing... and... helping me out of nowhere... and the doctors saying there wasn't any sign of... abuse or... sex...nothing. Everywhere... there were these... _countless_ of signs-"

"That's not what I'm thinking," he said. "I was thinking that you could've never known. You were traumatized. I'm sorry for even asking."

I shook my head with a terrible clench in my chest.

Was I pushing it if I asked him to leave me alone?

"I am untrustworthy," I said instead, looking at him guiltily.

"Why?"

"I feel terrible."

He smiled a little and did another attempt to reach me. This time I didn't care, I let him touch me.

His fingers brushed my wet cheek briefly.

"Considering the situation, you're allowed to feel terrible. Why should that make you untrustworthy?"

"I think that I tried to kill myself tonight. At a _cemetery._ "

"I know. Why do you think I'm not letting you out of my sight?"

"Oh," I said, laughing humourlessly.

"It'll pass, though. The way you're feeling now."

"I didn't peg you for the optimist."

I wiped both of my eyes and sniffed.

He changed the subject. Rather abruptly, might I say.

"Why did Jacob do this?"

 _Jacob..._

He started this. But why would he?

"I don't know," I said. "Hatred."

"Why would he hate you?" he wondered.

"Who knows, because he has it all. He's married and going to med school."

"Really?" he muttered.

"That's what he told me. I even congratulated him, but he didn't think I was sincere."

"No?"

"Probably because he thought I would be jealous, but...I never wished him anything bad."

"Probably..."

I could feel myself starting to scowl. Edward never said any real comment. He just repeated a word I said.

It made me wonder why he did that.

Something told me that he knew something.

First I _really_ looked at him to see if I could notice anything. He was only watching me back with slightly narrowed eyes.

"What?" I eventually asked.

"Did he know about your GPA?"

"My GPA?"

"Yes. Your GPA. You're extremely high, rare, to be proud of GPA."

"My GPA isn't...I mean, yes...but...yeah, he knew about it. We were still together then."

He shook his head. "I can't believe no one ever told you."

"Told me what...?"

First he gave me a look.

I felt stupid. He knew something and apparently I was supposed to know it as well. Except that I didn't.

What was so special with a high GPA if it couldn't even get me into a college?

"In world's history, a GPA as rare as 98.8 only happened a handful of times. It's rewarded with an acceptance of all Ivy League Colleges. And other colleges, even though they know they don't stand a chance to get chosen. I don't know how Jacob pulled it off or why he did what he did. But you received acceptance letters."

 _No._

 _No._

"Everybody wanted you. How can they not?"

The atmosphere tensed... _everybody wanted you, how can they not?_

I didn't quite know if he meant universities or something else.

But still... _no._

He wasn't saying what I thought he was saying. It could not be.

"You mentioned yourself as untrustworthy? Let me assure you that you're not. I don't think I've ever met a person more honest than you. However, Jacob is a good example of what untrustworthy really is."

I had rejection letters. Two years ago I received them. And last year, I received mostly rejection letters again. But there was one letter stating I was on the waiting list. Eventually, they rejected me as well.

"No comments?" he asked softly.

"It can't. What you said. No."

"After everything you figured out today, how can it not?"

I shook my head.

It was rather hard to describe what I was feeling. Maybe it was best to state that it felt like I hadn't eaten in days. My throat was a desert. My head was spinning. My body was weak. Psychologically, I wasn't very strong anymore either.

Above all, I was hallucinating. Or I was paranoid.

Yeah.

That was a good way to describe my feelings.

"You're giving me false hope," I said without daring to look at him.

"Hmm...why would I give you false hope?"

Once I gave this a thought...I knew I would receive hope. And hope was a dangerous place to be. I couldn't hope.

"Because your life's a mess since I walked into it," I answered.

"No. I was collateral damage. Jacob was jealous of your GPA and your direct access to any college you wanted. And for some reason, he's not yet done breaking you, so he made a reappearance."

"It's not true," I said.

"Bella."

"I don't believe you."

"I would've won the case. You would've been given a criminal record for the fact that you lied under oath. You can't afford a criminal record, as my lawyer said so. It took me hell to get my degree with a criminal record. Trust me. You don't want that."

"No..."

"You do understand what I'm saying, right?"

I slapped him hard. _Really_ hard.

When his head snapped sideways, I got on my feet, because no matter how much they were hurting, I needed to distance myself from him.

I understood what he was saying. He lied, because this way I was free of a criminal record. Going to medical school with a criminal record is generally not appreciated.

He turned his head back to me, rubbing his cheek carefully.

"Guess I deserved that," he said.

His eyes showed no irritation, luckily.

"Who told you to seek a psychiatrist? It wasn't your own initiative. Someone told you to seek specifically me."

 _Leah..._

She mentioned it a long time ago.

"Why me? Because I in fact do have a criminal record. Furthermore, Lauren managed to make herself the assistant of the day, just to agitate you."

To see Lauren was indeed a one in a million chance, on that exact day.

"However, you and I never really met in my office. So Jacob made sure you'd come to the cocktail bar. And my ex texted me, telling me to meet her there at nine. What time did you meet up with your friends at the bar?"

 _Nine._

Angela texted me to ask if I would join them at nine.

"Jacob must've offered my ex something she couldn't refuse. You and I left together, as Jacob had hoped. Next day he gives you a criminal record to drive you mental."

 _This is too far-fetched._

But then...

Why?

No...

It could never be. Edward was suggesting that everything that happened, starting from the day Leah proposed I should seek a psychiatrist-

 _No!_

Leah couldn't be a betrayer. She was my friend. And what about Angela? I'd known her since high school!

Edward stayed with me, thinking if he didn't, I would kill myself. Did that not equal someone who was driven mental?

 _I'm mental._

I said it out loud.

"I'm crazy," I whispered.

That morning when I had my first appointment with Edward, I had to tell myself repeatedly that I wasn't crazy.

"Bella."

But all the time I'd been lying to myself. I was crazy.

"I'm crazy," I said a bit louder than before.

He got on his feet and held me by my elbows. I hadn't realized that I'd been swaying.

"You need to sit down," he said, guiding me to the couch.

He pushed my shoulders down and I sat automatically. The blouse had fallen open and I barely noticed.

His fingers reached to bottom and started buttoning the blouse until he reached my neck.

"Are you up for a ride?" he asked.

There it was. He was going to drive me to the psychiatric hospital.

Isabella Swan had at last gone insane.

"Where are you taking me?" I said in a bitter tone.

"Your place. I need to see those rejection letters."

"Oh..." I said.

He was still playing the weird game where Jacob had brought Edward and I together, only to drive me crazy.

Mental.

Insane.

"You can say no if you don't want to," he offered.

"I thought you were going to take me to the psychiatric hospital."

"No," he said with a scoff. "You don't belong there."

Why was he lying to me? I knew where he was taking me.

 _Whatever._

Soon I'd see he was the liar and that's what I'd tell him.

Edward Cullen, you are a liar.

"It was a little stupid of me to not drive you to your place instantly," he said all of a sudden.

I glanced down, while he still was crouched down in front of me. He was smiling sheepishly.

"What?" I muttered.

"I've nothing here. No clothes. No food. No wifi."

I hummed, though I didn't understand.

"Welcome to the 19th century," he said.

But how could he be joking in times like these? While he was going to ship me off to some horrible place for sick minds like mine?

He tried to offer me a hand, but I refused and walked with wobbly legs and a half-naked body to his car.

* * *

The car went fast and it was very dark on the road.

I glanced at his clock in the car and noticed it was already after two in the night, meaning that today it was Christmas.

Edward grabbed a black device and typed a few things in it quickly. It didn't quite look like phone, maybe more like a pager. When he put it back in his pocket, he already started explaining before I could ask what he was doing.

"I know someone who can verify whether those letters are a fake or not," he said. "You don't mind if he comes over, do you?"

I shook my head, because he was lying anyway and I might as well just play along.

My thought was that he managed to contact an ambulance, or the hospital with that device. Maybe even the police. And that any moment, I would be taken to the psychiatric hospital.

Instead of telling him that, I just played a long.

"How did you manage to get someone out of bed on this time and date?" I asked.

I flinched at how dead my voice sounded.

"I'll only need him for maybe 10 minutes," he said.

"Still," I said quietly.

"I might've offered him money."

" _Right_ ," I said. "I wouldn't get out of bed even if you offered me 50 dollars."

"100."

"No."

"1.000."

"No."

"10.000."

That was a lot of money. I wish I had that much on my savings account.

"No."

"You hesitated."

"Well, did you really offer someone 10.000 dollars to come and see if a few of my letters are a fake or not?"

"No."

"See."

I gave him a look that said that I won. It was the slow smile that spread on his lips which made me wonder why he was amused.

"100.000."

Now I didn't know if he was asking it, or saying it.

"I'm not so sure I understand what's happening," I said in confusion.

"Do you remember what you told me the first day we met? At the staircase?"

"I said a lot of things to you."

"Do you remember saying, _'you could never gain my interest, not even if you were a millionaire'_?"

 _I said that?_

"Uhm..."

He laughed.

"Why?" I asked.

"What do you think?"

 _That you're playing a game and I'm in it for your amusement._

"Not much," I answered.

"Bella...all the time I thought you reported me because you were after my money. That's why Jacob chose me as well. Not just because I'm a psychiatrist and the criminal record."

"What money?"

He laughed. "Now it's clear to me you have no idea."

The navigation spoke, _'You have arrived your destination.'_

I glanced sideways and scowled when I saw my apartment building.

"What are we doing here? How did you know where I lived?" I asked, turning my eyes to him.

"I'm a billionaire."

I leaned back as if he'd electrocuted me. Was there, truly, a man worthy of a billion dollars sitting opposite of me?

"You really had no idea," he said with amazed eyes.

"Uhm, no. How...could I have known?"

"There aren't that many billionaire's in Washington. I get on the news occasionally. Especially the last days. Even news articles exclaimed you were after my money."

"What news articles? I haven't seen any articles. Actually, I didn't read or watch the news the last weeks..."

"That explains it."

I looked up at my small apartment. What a joke that was compared to a billionaire.

He killed the engine, but I didn't step out because he didn't stop out either.

"Do you remember those three women?" he asked.

"Huh?"

 _What did he say?_

"Those three women the first day we met?" he said.

I nodded.

"They knew. About my money."

"Okay," I said, turning my head back to my apartment.

I couldn't exactly pinpoint what was happening here. I was certain he'd take me to the crazy house, not my place.

And that brought me back to the question as to how Edward knew where I lived. I was certain I never told him that.

"Bella," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "They were after my money. Everyone always is."

"Okay," I said, looking back up at him.

He chuckled. "Except you. You were _running_ from me. Really fast."

"Yeah, I thought you were a jerk."

He shook his head, scowling at me.

"What are we waiting for?" I asked.

"Unless you hide a spare key under your doormat, we have to wait for Jenks to unlock your door."

He was still doing this? He was still pretending some guy was coming over to check if the letters were a fake? I wondered how far he would go with this game.

I had a strange feeling that he was doing this to hurt me. But could it?

And what spare key was he talking about?

"My keys..." I said, remembering I left them in my car.

"I know," he said slowly. "Don't worry. I'll tell Jenks to get them for you once he's finished here."

"Oh. Yes. What?"

"Bella."

"What?"

"What's the matter?"

"What?"

Another car parked in front of us.

"Who's that?" I said.

"It's Jenks."

 _Jenks?_

"Bella, don't you think I noticed? You changed since the moment I told you about your GPA. Something happened."

I swallowed nervously and dared to look at him.

"I also know you don't trust me much," he said quietly. "But you can still tell me anything."

But how could I explain to him what I thought?

I was at conflict between my crazy thoughts and his gazing green eyes, which truth be told, seemed so kind and honest.

 _Lies._

It could all be lies.

"It's fine," he said after a moment. "Tell me when you're ready."

He stepped out of the car.

"I'll be right back," he said, shutting the door.

He exchanged words with the stranger - Jenks. I wondered what he was telling him.

 _The girl is crazy. Escort her to the crazy house. Tell them she's suicidal._

I grabbed behind my chair and found the soft, and wet, fabric of my dress. I picket it up and let it rest on my upper legs. It was a dirty yellow now and there was a lot of mud and some blood on it. I touched it carefully as now it made sense why Alice always wore such fashionable clothes.

 _Her brother's rich._

Or maybe her entire family is.

Either way, she had money.

That explained why she bought this overpriced dress for me - she could easily afford it.

I remembered my bra and thought about retrieving it as well, but then thought against it. I didn't want to walk around with my bra in my hand.

Edward came back and helped me out as well and carried me to the front door.

"I can walk," I said weakly, even though I was already in his arms.

"Why should you, if I can carry you?"

I stared at the front door where Jenks stood picking the lock. He managed to unlock and open it before Edward made it to the door.

As Edward walked inside, I glanced at Jenks as he shut the door and followed us.

"Where are these letters?" Jenks asked.

 _Jenks is playing along._

"Somewhere in the bottom drawer," I said to Edward. "In my bedroom-"

"Show me," Edward said instead, walking me into my bedroom.

He placed me on the bed and I managed to open the lower drawer where I kept it. I'd placed all the letters in a file; eleven rejection letters from two years ago and fifteen rejection letters from last year.

With my eyes on the ground, I handed the file to Edward.

He left the bedroom with the letters.

I fell backwards on the bed and stared at the ceiling. My body ached as I stretched.

Maybe I could do it now. Killing myself would be better than going to the crazy house.

 _Am I crazy?_

I might.

"I know what you're thinking."

I jumped at his sudden voice.

"You can't," I disagreed.

"You're thinking about killing yourself."

I glanced up and saw that he was leaning against the doorway. He walked a little closer to my bed while I shook my head.

"Am I that predictable?" I said.

"No. But I can tell."

His answers were brief and curt, without emotion. It just caused me to become frustrated. Who did he think he was?

I dropped my head back on the bed and stared back at the ceiling. I continued wondering how, when, but most importantly why?

 _Why did Jacob start this?_

 _Why is Edward still here?_

I felt the bed dip down a little as Edward sat. Then he lied down next to me. I turned my head to see he was staring at the ceiling.

"Are you mocking me?" I asked.

Because he came to lie down, just like me.

Because he stared at the ceiling, just like me.

"Never again."

I snapped my head back, to the other side so I wouldn't either see him or the ceiling.

His hand touched mine. I pulled my hand back to myself.

His touch was still too much for me.

"How did you guess?" I asked straight out. "About...what I was thinking."

The word stayed between us, lingering unpleasantly in the air.

 _Suicide._

"Because you have a vacant look in your eyes."

"Then why am I still here?" I said.

"What do you mean?"

I turned my head and found his scowl. He was genuinely confused.

Or was he fooling me still?

"You have a billion dollars," I stated in frustration. "Why aren't you sending me away? Why aren't you being anywhere but here right now? It doesn't make sense for you to be here wasting your time with me. On Christmas."

He turned to his side and leaned his hand against his hand.

"Alice bought this for you, didn't she?" he asked.

"What?"

He took hold of the dirty, muddy and bloody dress, slowly lettings his fingers stroke the soft fabric.

"Yes," I eventually said. "I refused because I hated the dress. But she bought it while giving me the illusion that she was buying it for herself."

"She bought you a dress which you hated?"

"A Christmas gift for me, she said. She wanted all eyes to be turned on me today, because she knew about your family's dislike for me."

He remained quiet after that.

"She did my hair and make-up as well. Or at least, what's left of it."

Still he said nothing.

Therefor I said nothing.

Until he spoke.

"You saved Alice's life."

I shut my eyes tightly at that terrifying moment in my life.

"I couldn't save her with a billion dollars. I tried everything. Then minutes before she died, she called you."

"She didn't die!" I snapped, because the fact that her heart stopped while I stood beside her was still something very scary.

"Not thanks to me. Or Esme. Or Carlisle. Or Emmett. Or Rosalie. Or Jasper. Or some of the best doctors and hospitals."

I knew where he was going with this...he was going to thank me or something as silly as that for saving Alice. I really wasn't in the mood for gratitude now.

"Not a billion dollars could save her."

"Just stop there," I said in annoyance. "I don't need thanks given in sympathy."

"I wasn't going to thank you. I just wanted you to know that Alice found a person. Someone she could share her worries and problems with. Someone she could trust. That someone saved her life. Was it the first time you did CPR?"

I took a deep breath and slowly nodded.

"Neat," he said. "You didn't break her ribs."

"Luck," I stated tiredly.

"Skill," he shot back.

"I also don't need compliments given in sympathy."

"Of course you don't."

"I'd like an answer to my question."

"I'm working on it," he said. "You stated that I have money and I just showed you that money can't save people. Sending you away is not the cure."

The cure.

There was a cure.

"Cure?" I wondered curiously. "What's the cure?"

"You have to snap out of it, Bella. You're not crazy."

I inhaled sharply as I stared at the ceiling even harder.

"You're hurt. Scared. Upset. Humiliated. But not crazy."


	17. Chapter 17

**_A/N:_** _September now and the last one was in April. I can't believe it. I'm not even sure what to say. I'm very sorry for the abandonment of this story. It was unintentional. Uni life is very much. I apologize for all errors made in this chapter._

 _Thank you everybody for staying with me and for reviewing. I love to hear about your thoughts!_

 _Enjoy~_

* * *

 ** _Chapter 17_**

 _"You're not crazy."_

How could he say that?

How could he believe it?

He was for goodness sake a psychiatrist.

 _"You're hurt. Scared. Upset. Humiliated. But not crazy."_

In my head truly not much made sense.

If it was possible, I would vanish. Gone into space. I really wanted that.

"Please talk to me, Bella."

"I can't tell you want you want to hear."

"Look at me."

"No."

"Bella, I have no expectations," he said. "None."

I wish I could leave. I wish I could be anywhere but here.

"Don't hold back. If you tell me you fucking hate me and Jacob and Rosalie and my parents and everyone that messed with you, don't hold back. I want to hear everything you think. Even if it's not pretty."

"What for?" I muttered. "What's the use?"

"I care."

"Right."

How come I sounded so pessimistic? When did I turn this way?

"I care about your feelings."

"Right," I repeated.

"Because you were once my shrink," I added. "That's how much you care. That's how freaking much you must care about my feelings."

The aftertaste was sour. I didn't feel anger. I certainly sounded angry.

Was I angry? Or wasn't I?

And if I was, who was I angry at?

If I thought about it briefly, the answer was very easy.

 _Me._

I was angry at _me._ I should've known better. I was smarter than this.

"No," he disagreed. "Because you were once my lover. I was never your shrink. Not even for a moment."

My head snapped to him, because I must've heard him wrong. My body was out of control. I didn't know when my hand raised or what force overtook me as I slapped Edward for a second time this day.

His head snapped sideways.

"Lover?" I snapped. "Are you mad?"

"No," he said with a chuckle.

"How can you say we were _ever_ lovers? It was a one night stand!"

"We didn't have sex."

"We would have, if I hadn't said a thing. It was all about the sex."

His eyes shined. With delight, humor. Mock.

"Now what?" I snapped.

"If you remembered the entire night, you'd know. It was never about sex."

I laughed. It was humorless. I felt like he was sucking everything that was still a little sane right out of me.

With his bright eyes. His stupid, gleeful, bright green eyes.

I couldn't take it. Soon I'd explode and tell him things I would quickly regret. I wanted to curse him for everything he did to me. I wanted to curse at the world for what it brought to me. And if there was a God, then why, why, I wondered _why_ in God's name was he giving me so much bullshit?

That's right. Bullshit. It's all bullshit.

I was so tired of it. But this was not the normal tired a person would feel after a long day's work. This was not the tired a good night's sleep could fix.

This was not the kind of exhaustion that was easily fixed. It was a feeling that was deep within, like love. Love for my dad. Love for my dream. Love for medicine. Love for an education.

It could either create you or break you.

"Are you saying there's a pending marriage proposal? Or should I call my lawyer for a divorce in case we did get that marriage in Vegas? Or did you get me pregnant by osmosis? Should I get an abortion? Or what? You're the kind that wants kids?"

 _So, so bitter._

That's whom I'd turned into.

"I'm sorry," I said remorsefully, turning my head away from him.

I was already sick of myself and the words flying out of my mouth.

How could Edward not?

"If you want to know what more between us was said and done, all you need to do is ask."

"No. _No._ I don't want- No, I can't think straight because of you. I-"

"Same."

"I thought you were never again going to mock me."

"You think I'm mocking you now?"

"Well, aren't you?" I asked skeptically. "Because saying you can't think straight because of me...that's very offending."

"Don't you think I'm not aware of my mistakes? I should have called 911, even though that would've made you hate me. After you threw my phone over the hedge, I should've taken off your clothes to warm you up instead of asking for your permission first. I should've instantly helped you wash your wounds. I should've remembered to take your keys and phone out of your car. I should've driven straight to your home instead of mine, because I'm moving out and there's nothing in that house...no first-aid kit, no clothes, not anything useful."

I looked down, his intens eyes being just...too intense.

"No, Bella, I'm not mocking you when I say I can't think straight because of you either."

It looked like he was beating himself over all the things he'd like to have done differently.

No, surely he wasn't mocking me.

That should mean...that I would have to take him up on his word.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I'm still not thinking straight. I'll get out of your way so you can get dressed."

 _Dressed._

Of course.

I was still nearly naked.

"Do you have a first-aid kit?" he asked.

My instant thought was, _what for?_

The quick _oh_ prevented me from asking out loud. He was thinking of me.

"Uhm...yeah...uhm...in the kitchen."

What happened? Why was I so slow all of a sudden?

"Should I get you some clothes?"

Again, I instantly thought, _what for?_

Again, the _oh_ stopped me from asking. My feet might be a bit clean after I washed off the blood at Edward's place. However, they were still soar. Getting my clothes required me to stand on my feet.

I didn't like to look weak.

"No."

He scoffed and made to move out of my room.

Why did guilt strike me?

Why did I feel bad for Edward?

 _Damn it._

"Sure. Yes."

He glanced back. Observed me intensely. Most likely wondering what changed my mind.

"Please," I added.

I smiled, even though it felt bitter.

He nodded. I didn't look as he fumbled in my closet.

Honestly, I couldn't remember what it looked like...probably like a bomb exploded in there. Somehow, he found several items. I noticed it were my grey sweats, a black top, panties and socks.

I noticed he was examining a green sweater. It was his Yale sweater I recognized.

"Oh," I muttered. "I'd forgotten about that. You can have it back."

"I imagined you would've burned this by now."

"Burning a Yale sweater? Never."

He walked toward me and placed it beside me with examining eyes. Too quickly I realized what I said. Edward was no fool. Now it was obvious how much I cared about an education, especially in a place like Yale.

"Take it," I said. "I don't want it."

"It's yours."

I shook my head as I stared at the haunting word _Yale._

"It's very little after all."

My eyes went up to him, not quite understanding what he meant.

"The good times between you and I, before..."

I nodded my head, feeling as if the devil was dragging me to his hell.

"Before I accused you of rape, got you fired from work and into such a rage that you started a fistfight with my ex-boyfriend."

He stared at me in a rude manner. I just stared at him with a hard face. I couldn't feel much now anyway, so why not state the facts as they were?

"I think it's unfair of you trying to give me this false hope. With calling Jenks and all."

"I'm not."

"I don't trust you."

"I suppose that's not so odd, considering we barely know each other."

"That's _really_ not helping."

"What if I told you that Jenks will tell you that those letters are a fake?"

"Then I would have to wonder if you paid him 100.000 dollars to say that, just to hurt me."

He scoffed.

"Or 1.000.000. That's just a penny in worth to you."

He looked truly surprised. It gave me a slight inclination that maybe I was wrong.

"You think I paid someone a million dollars to hurt you with a lie?"

I could neither confirm or deny it.

When I didn't respond, he started to pull off his sweater. Before I could wonder what was happening, he turned and showed me. I froze when I saw how they looked in real-life. It was a frightening, glorious view of all the scars on his back.

They were just like my memory, except now it was much more clear to see.

He turned and came to sit beside me. His eyes didn't reach mine.

"I went clubbing with some friends five years ago. At some point me and my friend James wanted to use the bathroom. A man was blocking the entrance, allowing no one in. But I heard a distressed girl inside. I punched the man and went in."

That was the criminal assault I read in the file.

"There where five men and a girl. The girl was drugged. It was obvious to tell. And the men were all over her, touching her in ways that sometimes still gives me nightmares."

Attempted rape.

"A fight broke out."

That meant more criminal assault, but from all parties as far as I knew.

"Uhm... James, he... he died. Killed."

My breathing stopped short as I could only think... _manslaughter._ Somebody committed that crime indeed.

Edward didn't quite stammer, but I believe he never had trouble with his words. Now he did. James must've been a very good friend.

"I didn't see it happen," he continued. "My back was turned to James. I only remember hearing a loud bang. I remember turning. I saw James lying on the floor with empty eyes. They tried to kill me. I remember pain in my back, very sharp. Many times. It felt like they were tearing me open. I knew they were killing me. There was nothing I could do about it."

I had an urge to reach forward to touch his hand, his arm, anything to show him how my heart soared at hearing this.

Visual images appeared in front of me. I saw a dirty bathroom. I saw a girl, clutching to a sink. I saw, through her eyes, five man, assaulting her. I didn't know how far they'd gone with the girl or to what extent the assault was. Two strangers burst in, and something close to a movie scene erupted. The five assaulters were fighting the two strangers off.

One of the strangers died.

The second was about to.

I knew the outcome. The second lived. He survived. Edward was with me now.

Still, that did not remove the sour feeling inside my chest. He'd gone through so much trauma on an evening that was supposed to be just fun.

Emmett said that day how he hadn't seen Edward in ages. No wonder...no wonder Edward rarely went clubbing.

"Before James died, he'd knocked one of the guys unconscious. But there were still three left. The one by the door had - the police later told me - run off. Anyway, the remaining three probably thought I was dead when I stopped moving. I saw a knife with blood on it. It appeared on the ground, not very much far away from my head. That's when I realized they'd stabbed me in the back. Police also later said that they'd run out of bullets. That's why they used a knife instead."

"Good."

I said it before I thought it through.

He raised his eyebrows and turned his eyes to me for the first time since he took off his sweater.

"Good?" he said. "What is good about that?"

"Good...meaning, if they hadn't run...out of bullets, you'd now...probably...be dead."

He hummed softly.

I leaned back to stare at the scars on his back more closely. My hand moved on it's own accord. I touched the deep scars, scars that were once gashes, pouring out Edward's blood, sucking out his life.

It must've hurt so much.

"How did you survive this?" I asked softly.

"I don't remember much. Just that James' dead eyes flashed before my own and that gave me enough energy to pick up the knife up. I stabbed someone in the gut, someone in the chest. I collapsed from too much blood loss. But the girl had managed to run out and call for help. The ones I didn't stab ran off. But the police found them all eventually. The guy who killed James...he was sentenced for twenty years jail time. For manslaughter, attempted rape, attempted manslaughter and battery. The others were also sentenced, ranging from four to seven years, with several months of probation."

I was only thinking of one thing.

I only wondered about one thing.

 _What about you?_

"You?" I only asked.

"I was on trial for ten to fifteen years for attempted manslaughter."

"Fifteen?" I gasped.

That must've been...nerve wrecking. Painful. Frightening. Exhausting.

If it was exhausting, Edward knew how I felt right now.

I examined him more closely. He didn't realize I was. His brain was back in time when his life was in a terrible, unfair mess.

"The law states that when you stab someone in their vital organs, you know it could kill them. Therefor, they don't call such wounds assault. They assume you're going for the kill. They added assault, because I hit that first guy who was guarding the door. They took off many of those years for temporary insanity – seeing James' corpse. Developing severe post-traumatic stress disorder. And for rescuing a girl. She was seventeen. I was given two years of probation for battery."

If only I'd known...if only...

Now his record would carry one more baggage because this night he chose to lie so I could be spared a criminal record.

I got on my feet and bit my lip hard to stop from screaming.

I felt terrible. It was as if this kind person, who once even liked me, who spared my virginity, who let me into his life...turned into a monster, only briefly, because of everything that I did.

Or Jacob...but I was part of it as well.

"You didn't have to tell me this," I said bitterly. "You know that. Right?"

"I told you because I wanted to."

How could he just like that want to tell me this so very private tale? It was personal, heavy, nothing you could tell a person lightly. This was big.

It couldn't be he just wanted to tell me. Especially since he started to tell me after I told him my insane thought; that he paid Jenks a million dollars to fool me. To hurt me.

I was in pain.

Never before in my life had the feeling of being lonely hit me as hard as it hit me now.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.

He chuckled before I could respond.

"Or a million dollars?"

"Exactly that!" I blurted out.

"Sorry?"

"You didn't _just_ decide to tell me all that because you wanted to. Especially after what I accused you off."

"Obviously."

"So..."

"So?"

He was so dry, so passive.

It was infuriating and I couldn't take anymore of it.

"Stop it, stop it! Just tell me straight out. I'm exhausted. I feel...I feel like I'll never feel happiness again. Seeing you here, with me, it's just a reminder. You're saying that I'm not crazy. But you're here! Only to prevent me from killing myself. Your being here reminds me that I'm my mother. Something's wrong with me. Something that can't be fixed. Something that you can't fix. Something that nobody can fix."

I was gasping and hysterical.

I knew that I was, but I couldn't stop it.

"Bella, that's not true," he said with a scoff.

"You don't know what I feel," I gasped. "You don't-"

He got up on this feet and walked toward me.

"You feel void and nobody will ever understand. Next you're falling into unknown territories. You're breathing but it feels like you're choking. When you start to think, every part of your body aches and you want to end it. You wonder about your ending. You wonder what will happen if you die. What will everybody else think? Will they think of you as selfish? Or will they memorize your better moments?"

I stared at him for a moment with wet eyes.

"But then again, what does it matter how you leave behind your loved once? You'll be dead, unaware of the rest..."

"You've been suicidal?" I croaked out.

He sighed and looked the other way.

"I can't believe this," I said, walking back to my bed to sit down.

He looked as if he was in pain.

"Do they hurt?" he asked.

"What?"

"Your feet," he said in a tone that suggested that it was obvious what he meant.

I may have limped to the bed, with the reason to sit because they indeed burned from the pain.

"Well, yeah, a little," I said.

He was suicidal once. I shook my head, feeling oddly understood. It made a little more sense now why he did what he did.

"I need a shower," I announced, getting up, using his jacket around my body to keep myself covered.

"Keep the door unlocked."

I glanced back and caught his eyes, watching me pointedly.

If I locked the door, I might do something suspicious; like kill myself.

"Of course," I muttered. "Great. Charming."

I stumbled and tripped all the way to the bathroom door.

"Do you need help?" he asked.

"What?"

I glanced back with a strange feeling for his offering of help.

"You look as if you're about to pass out," he said quietly.

I felt as if I might fall down and sleep on this floor.

"I'll manage," I said with a tight smile.

As requested, I only shut the door but didn't unlock it.

Instantly I felt betrayed. That simple lock meant that Edward didn't believe me. He still thought I wanted to harm myself.

Without trying to think much about what Edward thought of me, I went straight into the hot water.

For a long time I only stood and let the water fall on my face. My eyes were shut and I only focused on my breathing. A slow in and a slow out, many, many times. Until it started to become less hard to breathe.

This day needed to be erased from my mind.

Then again... Perhaps, even if it was an odd thought, perhaps it was a good thing that it all happened on this particular day. Even if it was specifically chosen by Edward, just to get to me.

Christmas Eve was the day the greatest man alive died. My dad, Charlie Swan. Nothing could be worse than that. I previously thought that not going to medical school due to a criminal record was worse than dad's death. It wasn't.

Today was a bad day. But not the worst.

Dad's death could not be overpowered by something as...as _stupid_ and _silly..._ such as... Jacob Black...as my blackout...as my assumption that I'd been raped...as the Cullen's.

I let out a deep breath and felt a painful weight lift off my shoulders. It had been on my shoulders for a long time. Since that day Jacob gave me that record.

Finally I was free of it.

And I felt happy.

Even if it was just for a moment.

I glanced at the door as I shut off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap it around myself.

Somebody outside that door _still_ considered me suicidal.

That thought made me sick. And that feeling of happiness left as soon as it came.

I didn't bring any clothes with me to the shower. I grimaced as I wiped off the fog of the mirror and looked at my face.

My eyes were drooping, my face was ashen and I swore I seemed ten years older.

"Merry Christmas, Dad," I said into the mirror. "Merry Christmas...Mom."

I smiled as I stared at my reflection. Whatever the heck that smile meant.

I grabbed Edward's jacket of the ground. Preparing myself for seeing Edward again in my bedroom, I slowly opened the door and glanced around slowly.

I put my wet foot on the rug, then the other.

Edward wasn't anywhere around. He left my bedroom. He even shut the door behind him.

I was instantly pissed off at him. He told me to keep the door unlocked. I assumed he would burst in anytime to check up on me. And all this time...he'd left the room. That idiot and his ways of fooling me.

Quickly I went for that door and yanked it open. I walked into my living room and saw him seated on my couch, flipping through a book.

The fact that he was still half naked suddenly unnerved me and I threw the jacket in his face.

"Put this on!" I groaned.

After taking a closer look at the book, I noticed what it was.

 _Alice's food diary_.

That added to my fury.

"How can you be so senseless?" I snapped.

I ripped the diary out of his grasp and held it close to me. He in the meantime was slowly putting on the jacket.

"Maybe she doesn't want you to read this?" I said. "Did you think of that?"

"Have you read it?" he asked.

"We wrote it together this morning."

"Which part is that?" he asked.

"The food and-what do you mean? There's just one part."

The way he asked that question made me wonder if there really was just one part. Perhaps Alice had written more. But when?

I glanced at the pages and upon closer inspection noticed al pages had been written. I gasped involuntarily. I honestly didn't try and read it, but I caught a few sentences.

 _'I want to stop eating. But that would make Bella uncomfortable.'_

 _'...Bella is kind.'_

 _'I admire Bella so much...'_

 _'I feel hollow. But Bella is strong and if she can be strong, so can I.'_

 _'Bella eats anything she wants and she's beautiful. Is she just lucky or can that be me as well?'_

 _'Bella is beautiful.'_

"Oh my God," I said. "What is this?"

My knees went weak and I was able to walk to the couch before I dropped on it. I let the diary fall.

Bella, Bella, Bella...I was everywhere in that diary.

Obviously it made me wonder...about her sexuality. Now that I thought of it, we never discussed it. If Alice had any interests of maybe even a relationship.

"Does she..." I looked up uncertainly at Edward. "Does she have a crush on me?"

My voice sounded abhorred.

"Not that I'm against gay people," I quickly said. "Just...I hope...because I'm not gay. I really don't want to hurt her feelings-"

"Alice isn't gay, Bella," he said.

He picked the diary off the ground and flipped to the last page.

"But I'm in there. Everywhere. You can't be sure."

"Read the last thing she wrote."

I dropped my eyes on the letters without taking the diary from him.

 _'This was meant to be a place to write down my food consumption. Instead all my thoughts and worries came on these papers through this pen. Is perhaps this the reason Bella gave me this book? Or had she no idea I would get lost in the art of writing? Does Bella write as well? She must do something to cope with all the shit that happened to her. And even though she's been raped, she stands on both feet and takes care of me. She thinks I was sleeping, but I wasn't. All night I listened how she studied hard and fell asleep a little over 4 am. I feel so ashamed for my weakness. She shows her strength even when she's been beaten to the ground. I'll make it up to her. Tonight. I'll make her wear the tight yellow dress which she hates. I'll do her hair and make-up. I'll turn her into a princess. She'll be shining like a star and stone cold Edward might even warm up by the light she sheds through her warm smile and innocent eyes. Edward...and Bella. I think they might make a nice couple. They have the potential to be great together, I can tell. One first look and he falls in love with her.'_

"Oh, no...no...that's not..." I muttered. "What? It's not true...I'm not strong or..."

I was nearly choking. I'd been awake last night until 4 indeed. Alice had been awake all night without telling me. And then...she started writing. She wrote this all in less then two hours.

Not only was that amazing...it was fascinating. She'd poured her soul unto these pages. And Edward read it all shamelessly...and I was guilty of some reading as well. I snapped my eyes away from it.

"You shouldn't have shown me. It's her private thoughts. She'll hate you."

"Nah. She'll want to kill me but that's with little sisters want to do to their big brothers anyway."

"Oh, I have reason to believe she might actually proceed the deed of the killing."

And that part she wrote about Edward and I...she didn't know - neither did Edward or I, that we'd already met.

I remembered exactly what she wrote in the last part.

 _She'll be shining like a star and stone cold Edward might even warm up by the light she sheds through her warm smile and innocent eyes. Edward...and Bella. I think they might make a nice couple. They have the potential to be great together. One first look and Edward falls in love with her.'_

"So yeah, she's not gay, I suppose, or else she wouldn't have said that...last bit."

How could Alice throw around the word love as if it was that easy to fall in love? It didn't just happen.

It was confronting though, because it was only a few hours ago that I admitted to Edward that I still liked him and he never even responded to that.

I quickly changed the subject before he could tell how much this topic was hurting me.

Had _I_ fallen in love with Edward Cullen? Is that what I was feeling now? Was that the reason the betrayal the he thought I was suicidal hurt more than it should have?

"Why did you leave my bedroom? After specifically telling me to leave the door unlocked."

"Did you obey my request?" he asked slowly.

"Of course I-you saw it yourself! I didn't lock the door."

"And there's the answer," he said simply. "You would've locked it and hurt yourself if you were suicidal. But you didn't."

I stared at him in anger. Was he... _serious?!_ I had so many doubts, so much frustration and all this time, he had his answer.

"So...I guess I'll get out of your way then. I had some stuff sent to your place against pain and to put on your cuts. Please use them. By the end of today I shall have your car fixed and back at your place. The letters have been confirmed to be a fake by Jenks. He has made copies to use them against Jacob's crime but of course, more importantly, to let the Ivy Leagues know about...the misunderstanding. You'll probably need to wait a few months until August to start, but it'll give you time to think about where you'd like to study. The originals are at your table. I'll leave Jenks phone with you in case you need to make a call. Let me know what phone you want and I'll get it for you. And...for now I come up blank. But if you need anything, you can give me a call or a text. My number is in Jenks phone as well."

He gave a little nod to the table. "Your dad's gift is on the table."

I glanced over and saw, indeed, my pepperspray. But I didn't pick it up.

"Can I get you anything before I go?" he asked.

"Yes," I quickly said.

He gave another nod for me to continue.

I couldn't be alone. I didn't want to be alone.

"Can I have the truth? Without you taking my feelings into consideration?"

He raised an eyebrow, but shrugged and said, "Sure."

"How do you feel about me?"

A strange smile etched his lips and I almost wanted to cry. What did that smile mean? Did he consider me silly now? Was the questions weird? Or would he gave me a truth that was too hard to bear on my heart right now.

"The truth, please," I added.

"The truth," he repeated with still that smile on his face.

It was unnerving and I crossed myself in an attempt to hug my broken pieces together. Because once he gave the truth, all would crumble and I would be left alone to pick them up and mend them.

His eyes saw me, but he didn't know what was going on inside my head. Yes, he probably noticed how I crossed my arms and how my face felt like icewater hit it. I couldn't move any muscles.

"There's a long version and a short version," he said. "Which of the two do you prefer?"

"The short one will suffice," I said quickly. Why suffer more than was necessary?

"I love you."

I stopped breathing and saw how he watched me with something I didn't understand.

"Perhaps the longer version would've given you more explanation," he added.

"R-Right _now_?" I asked. "Love. Not _loved_. Not-"

"I didn't stop loving you, not during the times you reported me to the police and not this afternoon. It's the reason why I hit back as hard as I did. I was frustrated that I couldn't get rid of my feelings for you despite what you were accusing me of."

"Your feelings for me?" I repeated in a dumbfound.

"Obviously, Bella, I have feelings for you."

My hard attempt to hug myself was what crumbled - not me. My arms fell beside me on the couch.

He took my hand closest to him and intertwined our fingers. It was only then that I noticed how cold I was as his warm hand gave warmth to my cold one.

"Or wasn't it obvious?" he asked with a hint of humor in his voice. "Alice was right. _'One first look, and he falls in love with her_ '. I'll never forget how caught up you looked that first day I saw you seated in your car."

I had lost all ability to speak to him, perhaps ever.

"It's best I go. You need sleep. Time to think. Get ecstatic over the fact that you can go and live your dream at NYC, Harvard, Yale, whichever you want."

I gripped his hand tighter when he was about to get up, about to let go of my hand.

He looked at me.

"What is it?" he asked kindly.

I looked away with still my grip on his hand. There was still so much left to be said. So much. But I just didn't know how.

"As much as love can be good, it can also be destructive," he said.

He released my hand quickly and I was too late to hold tighter. We broke loose.

"I'll never forget what I've done to you."

He watched me with a regretful scowl.

"Don't feel bad, okay? You'll find a great guy. Perhaps Mike."

I flinched and he slowly got up.

"Mike?" I asked.

As confused as I was, I wondered how on earth he even knew about Mike and why he could possibly think that I was interested in him.

"He likes you dearly. Or haven't you noticed that either?"

"Mike doesn't like me-" but the way Edward looked at me assured me that the opposite was true. "Oh."

"He's not your type?" he asked casually.

 _You're my type. Isn't that obvious? Didn't I, just a few hours ago, say that I like_ you _?_

"No," was all I could say.

"Perhaps go on a date on him. Start new. Start fresh."

He started for the door and I sat frozen on the couch as I steered my head to see him walk away slowly.

"Goodnight, Bella. Merry Christmas."

I couldn't say it back. This wasn't goodbye, it couldn't. Yet, I remained seated with shut lips.

Just like that the frontdoor closed behind Edward...

...and I was absorbed into another fragment of the _non_ one night stand.

* * *

 **A/N:** I hope next chapter will be up quickly! It's mostly finished :) my apologies for any errors!

So what will Bella remember next about the _non_ one night stand...? And what will she do...?


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:** Thank you for the reviews and the response! You readers rock my world!

Enjoy this chapter, aka flashback ~

* * *

 ** _Chapter 18_**

In a flash, I remembered everything from the moment in the bar until...

 _He waved at a cab and opened the door for me. We got in the backseat. He gave an address which I didn't bother remembering._

 _In the car, where it smelled like gasoline and moving rapidly and stopping rapidly, I started feeling my stomach turning in very bad ways._

 _"How much longer...?" I muttered when I couldn't take it any longer._

 _"Why?" he asked._

 _"I don't want a first vomit story and I don't want it to be in a cab," I slurred, swaying so much it was getting dangerously close to a vomit story._

 _"We can walk," he offered. "It's a few more blocks though."_

 _"Yes, please," I said all too quickly._

 _I'd walk miles if I could get out of this stinky cab right this instance. When it stopped moving, my stomach turned and I jumped out the cab. The fresh air soothed my stomach and I managed to keep the nausea at bay. Thank God._

 _Edward remained inside for a moment longer. I assumed he was paying. He was paying for everything._

 _That had to stop. I heard a door open and close._

 _"Can I pay for this?" I asked when he reached me._

 _"That would offend me."_

 _"For real?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Oh. Okay. Thank you."_

 _"You're welcome," he said with a smile._

 _"But next time, I'm paying."_

 _"We'll see," he said with a smirk._

 _We walked side by side in the freezing cold. I put my hands deep in my pocket to warm my fingers._

 _He put his arm around my shoulders and when I glanced up, I noticed he was happyl_

 _"I know you're avoiding it...but I'd really like to know you better. I only know that you're twenty, work at a café, have a cheating ex and that your parents are gone."_

 _"Uhm..."_

 _"I don't want to push you, so don't tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just...don't feel like you can't tell me stuff. You can tell me anything, alright?"_

 _"Okay, uhm..."_

 _"Maybe basic things like, do you have any siblings? What's your favorite meal? Or you a dog or a cat person? What's your favorite movie?"_

 _"My dad, he died on Christmas Eve," I blurted out._

 _He stopped walking. I took a step forward so I wouldn't see his face as I spoke, quite monotonously._

 _"He was home. Watching television. My mother and I were in the kitchen. Baking a cake. When I went to the living room to dad, his chin was down on his chest, but his eyes were wide open. They were...void of life. Empty of any emotion. I knew he was dead. I was scared to touch him, but I did it anyway to close his eyes."_

 _I took a deep breath because I ran out of it, and continued quickly. I was halfway there._

 _"My mother freaked out. She shook him, tried to wake him. I couldn't watch. I ran out, away, into the forest. But it was too cold to stay there for long. For a few days, it was just her and I. A lot of her friends and mine came to visit, but my mother threw them all out. Which is really embarrassing for a fifteen year old."_

 _He appeared in front of me with a blank look on his face that made me shudder._

 _I wondered what he was thinking, but decided I needed to finish the story. Even if it was ugly._

 _"My mother never cursed, but when dad died, she knew the entire vocabulary to curse words. Most of the time, when she cursed, it was directed to objects and stuff. Other times..."_

 _I showed him an ugly scar near my right wrist, but I was unable to tell him why it was there. He only watched it briefly._ _His eyes returned on mine._

 _"She committed suicide a week after dad died."_

 _I stopped talking abruptly and wiped away the tears. I still had to finish the story, but how could I if it seemed like I was talking to a wall?_

 _"They left you unexpectedly," he said at last, quietly._

 _My eyes shut when he said that. That was very true. Their departure had been the hardest, because it was unexpected._

 _His small acknowledgement that he was not in fact a wall gave me the will to give him the grand finale._

 _"Whenever I hear somebody curse, or make a suicide joke, I feel a shiver inside my body which I can't explain. Perhaps..."_

 _On second thought, I was crazy. Telling him what I thought would end badly. He was a psychiatrist! He judged on facts and was taught by a book._

 _Not that I was religious, but I had a feeling that Edward was anything but._

 _He took all my breath away with the touch of his fingers brushing against my wet cheek. His fingers were cold, yet soothing. It was too unexpected._

 _Crazy or not, I told him my theory._

 _"I'm not sure if I believe..._ _in heaven and hell. But sometimes I think she's in limbo. Haunting me. I don't know why my mother would do that. If it's even true. But why else would stuff like... cursing... depressing jokes... my full name... and pet names... bother me that much?"_

 _He was too quiet. Probably he was thinking how crazy I was._

 _"I understand mom. I get it. Suicide. But I wish... I had more courage... They just want the pain to end, you know? They just want the hurting to stop."_

 _He stared at me carefully, as if afraid he might say the wrong thing._

 _I pressed my lips on each other very hard. I couldn't believe I said that out loud._

 _"I'm sorry," I quickly said. "I shouldn't have said that. You're probably thinking I'm crazy and wondering how fast you can call a cab that'll take me far, far away from you."_

 _"I was thinking how wrong you are. You have more courage than you think. People who are going to commit suicide find it extremely hard to talk about those thoughts. That kind of a confession takes more courage than actually proceeding the deed."_

 _"I don't feel courageous."_

 _"After all you've told me...I've never met someone more loyal and brave than you. You've done so much for your parents. More than any daughter should ever have to do for her parents."_

 _"And it didn't pay off," I said with a shake of the head. "Because he lost the battle. She kind of did too. The battle against the will to live."_

 _"Don't say that, don't say it didn't pay off," he said. "You did everything you could have done and that's how it paid off."_

 _"They died..."_

 _"We don't have the power to determine the outcome."_

 _"You're going all shrink on me."_

 _"I'm sorry. For going all shrink on you. I just want to help you. This is me."_

 _He opened the door to a beautiful home and allowed me in first. I stood still in the hallway. Intoxicated, hurt and in need of...fixing._

 _"Help me?" I repeated but I also asked him as I stared ahead. "To get rid of all my baggage?"_

 _"I think you're amazing," he said from behind me. "Including all your baggage."_

 _I turned and threw the door shut. I walked up to him and put my hands on his belt, trying to loosen it._

 _My hands shook. At least they worked._

 _"You're drunk," he said with conflict in his voice._

 _"You're a psychiatrist," I said back. "Help me. You said you want to help me."_

 _His buckle came free and I went to untie his pants. His hands came around my wrist, watching me in a hard stare._

 _"This won't make you feel better," he said quietly. "You know that, right?"_

 _"It will," I insisted._

 _"Did it ever before make you happy?"_

 _"That doesn't matter," I said with a certain despair in my voice._

 _Also, I didn't want to go_ there _. The place of conversation where the truth would be revealed, where he'd realize I'm still a virgin._

 _He wouldn't figure it out. Not on my watch._

 _"Whether it did, or didn't, this is different," he objected. "Now you're drunk for the first time and most likely showing behavior you'll later regret."_

 _"You need to stop going all shrink on me, Mr Grey," I said with a giggle. "I'm not regretting it now. That counts for something."_

 _"Barely," he muttered with a tight smile._

 _I tried to move my hands. He kept them steady instead. We stared at each other for a moment and I started growing nervous._

 _"You don't want this?" I asked awkwardly. I couldn't deny there wasn't any hurt in my voice._

 _In fact, it was filled with it. And I may have been a little pathetic._

 _"Not like this. Not while you're drunk. I don't want-"_

 _"Being drunk doesn't mean I'm not feeling everything right now!" I said, feeling that same clench in my chest. "Aren't you feeling anything?"_

 _He watched me with hooded eyes, shaking his head slightly._

 _"I don't even know what to call you," he said as if that was a reason not to have sex. "I can't call you by your name or any pet names. What am I supposed to call you?"_

 _"I don't care anymore what you call me! Call me whatever you want."_

 _He scowled, his eyes at conflict._

 _"I just want you."_

 _With one look, I knew._

 _He gave up the struggle._

 _He grabbed my face in an almost animistic way. His lips reached mine hungrily. I reached up and kissed him back, but not as good as he kissed me._

How often does he do this?

 _The thought struck me for a moment, but I tried to shake it off as much as a girl could while kissing some rich man whom she barely knew._

 _Internally I laughed at how much I was_ that _girl. The ones I noticed on the day I met him. The one kissing him in the parking lot and giving him her number. The one in the cafetaria, who took hold of his penis, right there, in public - for all eyes, young and old, to be seen. And not to mention the last one, the suicidal girl, willing to risk pregnancy, STD's and other dangers, just for a piece of his body._

 _I was that girl right now._

 _He hoisted me up, my legs going over his torso as he held me tight with both arms. His hand squeezed my shoulder and he deepened the kiss while expertly walking toward the stairwell._

 _Yes, he'd done this before._

 _Me, on the other hand...every movement was unknown. Everything was new. And still I was at conflict for being that girl._

 _He pulled away from the kiss when he went up the stairs, and he was quick. To him I apparently weighed nothing as he didn't get out of breath as he reached his bedroom. He dropped us on the bed. My back hit the mattress and the cage of his body kept me there. His hands worked on my coat, unzipping the front and pulling it away._

 _It was all happening fast now._

 _He pulled up my blouse, my white top and white bra._

 _He was very fast._

 _He was too fast._

 _My jeans and shoes went off as well, though when that happened I didn't even know - I couldn't recall. All I remembered next was seeing that he was searching in his bedside table drawer and pulling out a packet that was probably a condom._

 _I didn't even think about that...stupid Bella._

 _What was wrong with me? Was I really that girl? Not thinking about safe sex, and just randomly having sex - for the first time - with a stranger._

 _He rested the packet on my stomach while he stripped all of his own clothes._

 _I took hold of the small packet that had a condom inside it._

 _Suddenly everything was hitting me painfully hard._

 _I'm a virgin._

 _He's anything but._

 _What was I thinking?_

 _Who knew, because my mind was spinning all the time and it started a while ago when I was taking tequila shots._

 _I tried to get a hold of my surroundings and reality._

 _So I looked down._

 _He was huge and erect, and my eyes stared at the first penis I'd ever seen in real life._

Jeez, aren't they supposed to be smaller?

 _I was half in trance, but noticed how he ripped the foil off and rolled it over his...thing, quickly._

 _I had barely time to think._

 _He lied on top of me then, kissing my neck, my chest, everywhere. I felt...him on my stomach and I was having second thoughts._

 _I was a little scared._

 _No, that wasn't true._

 _I was petrified._

 _What had I done? How could I have been so reckless? I was with somebody whom I didn't know. What if...what if..._

 _How to say stop?_

 _Even when seemingly nothing happened...he was just kissing me...I forced my mouth to open._

 _"Edward...stop..."_

 _His eyes found mine in an instant._

 _I think he knew, as well as I did, that that was the first time I called him by his name._

 _"What's wrong?" he asked with wide eyes. "What happened?" He sounded genuinely concerned._

 _"It's just..."_

 _I looked away._

 _"Please... Could you...? Try to...?"_

 _What was I even asking him? What was my request? To be careful? To stop completely? To continue but...then what? I didn't know much about sex._

 _How to tell him the truth without telling him the truth? There was no possible way._

 _And I'd done it, hadn't I? I could tell by the look in his intelligent eyes. They looked deceived, surprised, and angry. So angry._

 _He knew. Because Edward was obviously intelligent._

 _I couldn't speak no more. He scowled at me and leaned away slightly, his lips parted. I could tell his mind was working over hours now._

 _"Are you serious?" he snapped._

 _I looked away, again, and forced myself to not cry._

 _"Why?" he demanded in a snap. "Why didn't you tell me before?"_

 _"W-What?"_

 _"I almost... I could have hurt you. Did you honestly think..." He sighed hard. "That I wouldn't want to know?"_

 _He got on all four, his hands on either side of my head. I looked at him with wide eyes, my heart pumping loudly._

 _"Tell me the truth now," he demanded. "Tell me whether you're a virgin or not."_

 _I shook my head. Not with the meaning_ no, _but I was trying to make my mind start working. It was blocked or something. How else could I have ended up in such a big pile of mess?_

 _"Your virginity is yours! You can give it to whom the fuck you want to, but that person has a right to know."_

 _I flinched when he cursed. It was still painful. I was still same old broken Bella and I couldn't handle his harsh words._

 _"It's just sex!" I snapped back. "Who cares if it's the first or fiftieth time?!"_

 _"Believe it or not, sweetheart, but I fucking do!"_

 _"Stop swearing and stop calling me sweetheart!"_

 _"I thought you fucking told me that it doesn't matter what I call you?" he exclaimed in a shout._

 _I flinched as it felt he was actually hitting me with a bat with only his words._

 _He watched me with angry expectancy, and I felt like something was slowly tearing me apart. I didn't know if it was the alcohol that was causing me to feel everything so intense or if it were simply my feelings for Edward._

 _My feelings..._

 _Edward..._

 _They were there, for him. I absolutely felt them._

 _I turned my head away and felt my left cheek press against the cold sheets. Hot tears slid down the side of my face unto the bed. I was breathing heavily, with pain. My chest hurt. It didn't do me well to pant so quickly, so shallowly._

 _But then I felt real panic deep, deep inside me. A stranger was on top of me and he was pissed at me._

 _Soon that feeling left for another one that took over - nausea. I was going to be sick._

 _"Get off of me!" I screamed in a hurry as I managed to push him away._

 _With my hand covering my mouth, I ran to a door which I hoped was his bathroom. Running in, I was correct and fell to my knees as I flood of alcohol came out of my mouth. It tasted bitter and I sobbed as I vomited again. I noticed how I was literally vomiting a clear liquid...tequila. And maybe some water. Mostly tequila._

 _I groaned._

 _I was drunk. I was a virgin. I was with some rich dude. I used to be his patient, in a way. I managed to piss him off. Now I was puking in his toilet, without any clothes on._

 _How much could a girl humiliate herself in one night?_

 _As I vomited again, I went to flush and hoped the gut-wrenching feeling would stop. With my hand on my stomach, I tried to calm down. The tears had stopped. I was happy they did._

 _All this had only lasted a few seconds I believed. It felt like an eternity._

 _From behind I felt something be placed over my shoulders. I glanced and noticed a blouse which was not mine. It covered my back, all the way down where it fell over my hips._

 _"What can I get you?" he asked._

 _I didn't know what he meant. I remained on my knees, staring at the floor beside the toilet, my head swaying. The floor was swaying. Something was swaying._

 _He hovered above me, tall and powerful. It didn't help the swaying and I pressed my hand against my mouth until the nausea subsided._

 _"A ride home? Or if you're too sick, I can leave you in the bedroom to sleep it off. I'll leave. Whatever you need."_

 _I was surprised to hear all of those options and the fact that his voice no longer sounded angry._

 _But then, I didn't deserve kindness. I deserved his anger._

 _"No...," I croaked out, removing my hand from my mouth._

 _"No to what?" he asked casually._

 _"You leaving."_

 _He was quiet for a while._

 _"Do you want me to stay?" he asked._

 _Did I hear uncertainty in his voice?_

 _"No," I said, my eyes still downcast. "Not if you're sick of me. Which you are. So you should go."_

 _I was so drunk for saying that out loud, and in a slur, or so it sounded in my ears._

 _"You think I'm sick of you?" he asked in bewilderment._

 _I nodded._

 _"Because I didn't fuck you, you think I'm sick of you?"_

 _"Stop with that language," I said through clenched teeth. "_ Please _. It's too much to bear-"_

 _"I'm sorry," he said hastily, for the first time. "I...need to...adapt, to not cursing. I'm still learning. I'm sorry, truly."_

 _I took a slow deep breath as I let it sink in - his honest apology. That was not the most shocking part._

 _He said that he needed to adapt to not cursing...that he was still learning. That suggested...that suggested..._

NO!

 _I couldn't allow myself to think what that could possibly mean._

 _Then again, I already knew. It meant that he...wasn't sick of me. Or else why bother to adapt and learn?_

 _I pulled myself up with help from the toilet, but soon he appeared behind me. I felt his hands on my waist in a...comfortable way, helping me up._

 _"There's like, slime and vomit on my hands," I mumbled, trying to not touch him with my hands and doing my best to not fall over._

 _"I don't care," he said dismissively._

 _"Why are you still holding me?" I said uncomfortably._

 _He was close behind me, his body touching mine and his lips close by my ear._

 _"Can't you see that I don't care about your virginity, your baggage or your first vomit story. Keep them, for all I care. There's just one thing that bothers me. How can someone so beautiful and intelligent still care for a man who treated her with so much shi-"_

 _He did not finish but I knew what he meant._

 _This just showed he was adapting himself, for me. I couldn't tell if that was a good sign, or a bad one. A generous sign of him, or a selfish one of me?_

 _"Walk," he ordered quietly, pushing me towards a sink._

 _I was dancing in my own head. The puking had helped to make me feel a little better._

 _"Hold unto the sink, cherry."_

 _I did as I was told and closed my eyes. Most of my weight was on my arms. I heard the water in the sink loudly. When I opened my eyes, I noticed Edward was bringing the tips of my hair under the running tap. He was so fast, I could barely follow him. He was putting some shampoo in my hair, but only on the bottom part of my hair._

 _"Thought you might want to wake up tomorrow with no acid or tequila-vomit in your hair," he explained._

 _I raised my eyes and saw a mirror. His reflection was there as well._

 _"Oh, no," I muttered. "Is it in my hair?"_

 _"Not so much. All clean now. Let me just rinse it for you."_

 _And as he did, I noticed the smell. It was strong, and manly._

 _"I smell like you now."_

 _"I hope that's a compliment."_

 _He took my hair in his hand and pulled it up. He put a towel around my shoulders and patted my hair dry._

 _"Can you wash you hands or you need help?"_

 _I huffed at the silly question._

 _"Of course I can," I said._

 _As I released the sink, Edward's hands held my waist again._

 _The water hit my hands, but not always. Why did the water keep moving to the left and right, back and forth?_

 _I noticed a bottle with a pump and I assumed that was the soap. Each time I reached for it, my hand only touched air. Where was it? Why did I keep missing it? It was right there. Two bottles now._

 _Four._

 _Five._

 _How many were there?_

 _"You're so drunk, cherry."_

 _"Huh?"_

 _I looked in the mirror again to see his eyes filled with mirth._

 _"Step forward," he ordered._

 _And as I did, his body pressed into mine so hard that I got jammed between him and the sink._

 _"I'm going to release you now, okay, cherry?"_

 _"Yeah," I slurred, my mind spinning faster and faster._

 _"She says yeah, but she's barely standing on her own two feet," he said._

 _Having no idea what he was talking about, I realized he often said cherry when referring to me._

 _"Why do you call me cherry?"_

 _"Well, I'm still working out a name for you. Cherry is fitting for a girl like you."_

 _"A girl like me?"_

 _"You must've heard of the phrase, popping a cherry. When the girl is a virgin and the guy goes too fast, too hard, and the girl bleeds."_

 _My lips parted and I stared at him in the mirror._

 _"You still have your cherry."_

 _"That's cruel," I said. "Or funny."_

 _"I know."_

 _Though I knew it was less cruel, because this added to the list of him not being sick of me. Why else would he bother with finding a word to name me with?_

 _"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat and pushing his hips harder against my back until I was certain I would get crushed._

 _He released my waist and pumped the bottle, allowed liquid soap to fall in the palm of his hand. Why couldn't I do that?_

 _Before I knew what was happening, his wet, soapy hands took mine and covered them. Our hands ran over each other and our fingers intertwined, with the soap making it easy for everything to slide easily over one another._

 _He brought both our hands under the water until all the foam was gone._

 _"You didn't have to do that," I said slowly._

 _"I know."_

 _"Not that I'm not grateful."_

 _"I know."_

 _"Thank you."_

 _He removed the towel from my shoulders and dried his hands first, then gave me the towel. I was able to dry my own hands and then rested them on the sink._ _He slowly loosened his grip._

 _"You good?" he asked._

 _"Sure."_

 _He went to get something out of his cabinet. He found a new toothbrush and pulled it out of its package. Then he handed it to me._

 _"Take all the time you need, Belle. I'll be on the other side. Try to not fall down."_

 _Belle. So close to my nickname. So close to Bella. He was getting closer to me. Did he realize? That he was slowly catching up with me._

 _He shut the door behind him and left me alone in the bathroom. But he was there, in the bedroom...on the other side._

 _Now that I knew that he wasn't sick of me, I started to wonder why._

 _And did he say I'm beautiful and intelligent?_

 _I first only stood there, with a clean, fresh toothbrush in my hand and a luxurious bathroom, thinking...how?_

 _And my feelings for Edward intensified. He wasn't a jerk, an asshole, an egoist, an arrogant or a demand._

 _He was one of a kind. And I was very lucky to be with him tonight._

 _I went to the sink and put some toothpaste on the toothbrush and started brushing my teeth. It helped me feel a little clean again. Not sure where to leave the brush, I just put it next to his in his cup. I started buttoning the blouse and looked at myself for the first time. My eyes were bloodshot and my face ashen._

This _he called beauty. That man was crazy._

 _But I would tell him the truth, about my feelings._

 _As I opened the door slowly, I saw him sitting on his bed, no longer fully naked. He was wearing only a pair of loose boxers._

 _I was already breathing heavily as I closed the door and leaned against it._

 _Distance was good._

 _"You're very handsome," I said. "You seem successful in you career. You're probably rich. You're whole. I mean, you're not a mess, broken, crazy. You're perfect."_

 _He watched me with a scoff._

 _"Which is... everything I'm not. I'm broken. When you curse or when you call me certain things, I change. I'll probably never study medicine, no matter how hard I try. I'm pretty poor. And...I'm not..."_

 _The side of his lip went up._

 _"Beautiful?" he ended._

 _He knew what I was thinking, because I was apparently that transparent._

 _I nodded and slid down the door until my but hit the ground and I sat there. On the cold floor._

 _For some reason I relaxed and my capacity to speak the scary truth increased._

 _"I like you very much. You didn't have to stop. I just...I got..."_

 _"Scared," he concluded._

 _"I didn't want to let sex come between a man and I again. Because that's what happened last time. Jacob left me to screw with some other girl. He left me."_

 _He was watching me with a strange look, until his lips shut and looked away briefly._

 _"I still want it if you still want it," I whispered. "But if you don't, I'll leave now."_

 _He chuckled very softly, but I couldn't tell if he was truly humored. He wasn't doing anything except looking at me._

 _"What?" I muttered uncomfortable._

 _"Your virginity is yours. Nobody has a right to claim it, not your boyfriend. Not me. You didn't do anything wrong."_

 _Hadn't I? Because there were so many things I could have done differently._

 _"But it's just sex..." I tried, but he didn't take it._

 _"Sex should have been, once you were ready for it, a pleasant surprise for him. Not a relationship saver. Never a relationship saver. Sex is not the definition of a couple."_

 _"Yes, it is," I told him seriously. "If the guy isn't getting some, he's not gonna stick around."_

 _"That's not true."_

 _I looked up at his sweet attempt to lie to me._

 _"How long would you wait? A day, a week, a month, sure. But a year? Two years? Five years? Fifty years?"_

 _I had a feeling my eyes were blank. He was staring at me pretty emotionless as well._

 _"For true love, how long would you have it in you to wait?"_

 _We watched each other quietly._

 _"You'd wait, like any other man, until that point where you find another true love. So really, true love doesn't exist. It's just lust, sex. It always is."_

 _That concluded the discussion, which I'd just triumphantly won._

 _"You can't sell your virginity like that."_

 _"I wasn't selling it," I said through clenched teeth._

 _"Really? Because you just said that you weren't planning on letting sex come between, basically,_ us _. You want to sell your virginity for the guarantee of certainty."_

 _"No...that's not...that's insane..."_

 _"Because certainty is not guaranteed," he said. "Only trust and time. Which you don't have."_

 _I stared at him, feeling highly irritated for his deductive reasoning._

 _"You can't deny it, can you, cherry? If you trusted me, you would've told me you're a virgin. And if I left because I said no to sex, that would've made me Jacob. An asshole."_

 _I pressed my lips on each other but was too late and burst out into laughter, shortly. I couldn't laugh for too long, because he was serious. When I glanced over, I noticed though that he was humored as well._

 _"And you don't have time," he continued._

 _"Jacob left."_

 _"So did Tanya."_

 _That was a name I hadn't heard before._

 _"Jacob cheated on me. You don't know what that's like."_

 _"I actually do."_

 _"Because you're a psychiatrist?"_

 _"Because Tanya cheated on me. Remember?"_

 _I glared at him first but slowly realized he did tell me in the bar that he'd been cheated on as well._

 _"What happened?" I asked._

 _He sighed and was quiet for a while._

 _"We could have sex tonight," he confirmed. "And in the morning, you could blame the alcohol for having lost your virginity in the spur of the moment. But when you wake up, I don't want you to feel bad. If we have sex, you'll feel awful - because you're mindset is not in the right place now. I will never be the reason behind your pain."_

Great _. He was ignoring my question._

 _"You can't promise me that," I said._

 _"Tonight, I can. That is a promise I can make."_

 _"No sex?" I said._

 _"If tomorrow morning you wake up, slightly more sober than you are now, and you still want it, I'll give it to you. None of this gentlemanly behavior will be anywhere near sight."_

 _"I don't believe you."_

 _"Stick around long enough to find out," he said in a challenge._

 _I looked away. I was unsure and maybe too drunk._

 _"Do_ you _want me to stick around...?" I wondered uncertainly._

 _"Yes," he said quickly. "I'm not finished with you yet."_

 _"Yet...?" I repeated. "So eventually, you will be finished with-"_

 _"No," he said. "Don't twist my words into something negative."_

 _"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not the optimist right now."_

 _"That doesn't mean you have to turn into a pessimist," he noted wisely._

 _I smiled, but it never felt real._

 _"You said screw," he said out of the blue._

 _I felt myself scowl as I watched him._

 _"You said that Jacob left you to screw with another girl. It's not really a curse word, but still. You said it and didn't flinch. You usually flinch when someone curses."_

 _I hadn't even realized that, but he was absolutely right._

 _"And I'm a guy, telling no to sex."_

 _"What are you talking about?"_

 _"I'm saying people can change. You don't necessarily need to consider yourself broken. Perhaps fractured. In need of healing. But you're not a lost cause. That should answer your previous comment. Just because I don't want to have sex tonight, doesn't mean I want you to leave. I want you to stay. Even if I'm not getting some - as you so carefully put it."_

 _He spoke deliberately slow._

 _"I just want this moment, cherry," he said quietly. "Just the way you are."_

 _All of a sudden my eyes filled with tears and I shut them quickly and snapped my head sideways, but the tears fell and there was no telling whether he noticed or not._

 _The tears that fell were caused by something inside me that believe him. And I felt blessed for being here, in this moment, talking with him. He was giving me something I didn't know I needed - comfort. And a little bit of hope._

 _He was walking toward me, because I heard steps coming to me._

 _"Isn't that the definition of true love?"_

 _He came into my view on my left side and he sat down next to me._

 _"And I still believe you are the most beautiful girl I've ever met, body and soul. If you need prove, think back of a few minutes where you had me turned on in a heartbeat. Yes, I was taken over by lust, but love made me stop to do no further damage. To you."_

 _"Stop it..." I croaked. "We only just met. You can't speak of love. Attraction, sure. Sex, yeah. Liking me...maybe._ Not _love."_

 _"I may be rich, but I am sitting next to you on the cold floor as an equal. I don't feel superior to you, nor have I ever. Whether you do get to go to medical school someday or work in a café for the rest of your life, I'm your equal. But I do hope you'll go the medical school, if that's the dream. I think it's nice to have dreams, passions that give you meaning in life."_

 _"What's wrong with you?" I said, putting my knees on my elbows and rubbing my face in my hands._

 _"Are you happy?" he asked._

 _"What?! You're changing the subject repeatedly."_

 _"I know. Are you happy?"_

 _I stared at him and wondered if I was perhaps dreaming._

 _"No," I said._

 _Speaking with Edward however didn't make me feel the worst. It was actually helpful._

 _"I don't know," I muttered quickly after that._

 _Then again, I certainly felt relieved to be able to talk to somebody about this stuff. And Edward liked me. He really liked me. And a warm feeling overpowered me ever since he gave me that stupid toothbrush._

 _"Yes," I then added quickly. "Yes, I am."_

 _He smiled, and said, "I'd say, that makes you the richest person in the world."_

 _And he commented in that way to prove me wrong when I said that I'm poor and he's rich. Even if I'd been talking money wise, he found a way to turn it and prove me wrong._

 _"Are you happy?" I wondered._

 _"I told you I love you and you're not running away. I'm more happy then I can say in words."_

 _I laughed and felt hysterical. "You don't love me, Edward. Please...don't...don't say..."_

 _He never said it so clearly...it was more of a hint...but he never said he loved me, nor did he now. But...he was saying that he did. Love me._

 _"Some day," he said. "You'll see it some day. It doesn't have to be today."_

 _I felt something too - a feeling that Edward was calling love...I felt it too. Not that I wanted to compare, but it was certainly a different feeling than the one I felt for years for Jacob._

 _He held out his hand and I noticed my dad's pepperspray. I felt my eyes widen._

 _"This is yours," he said._

 _"Yes..." I said awkwardly._

 _"Interesting place to carry it around," he mentioned. "But clever."_

 _I nodded._

 _"I never had to use it," I said._

 _"I'm glad."_

 _"My dad bought it for me. He never was able to give it to me. After...after the suicide of my mother, there were still those gifts. I can't remember the other gift. Except for this pepper spray. The card with it said, 'Bells, keep this with you because all beautiful girls need protection. Love, dad.'."_

 _I looked up at him._

 _"You're the second man to call me that. Beautiful."_

 _Edward put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. With his other hand, he pressed my dad's gift into my hand._

 _"Keep it safe," he told me._

 _"My friends call me Bella," I said quietly. "You can call me Bella."_

 _"So I'm a friend now?" he said with a smile in his voice._

 _I shook my head, but not to tell him no. I found, that even with the subject we were discussing, I was able to enjoy myself._

 _Why?_

 _Edward. It was the way he spoke, responded and the comforting way of how he touched me._

 _"I'm sorry for not telling the truth...for leading you on."_

 _"I'm sorry for yelling."_

 _"I'm those girls."_

 _"What girls?"_

 _"The ones that come up behind you. The ones I saw that day. The ones I hate."_

 _He huffed. "I can assure you that you're not, cherry. I remember clearly how you ran away from me, several times."_

 _"Doesn't change a thing," I muttered. "As soon as I was drunk, I turned into...them. Maybe the alcohol just showed my true colors."_

 _"Those girls seek me for their own pleasure. You didn't. You were willing to let me fucking hurt you for my own fun."_

 _He squeezed my shoulder when I flinched._

 _"Sorry," he said. "I'm still adjusting."_

 _I nodded a little as he ran his hand around my shoulder in a soothing manner._

 _"I'm not as whole of a person and made of perfection as you think," he said slowly. "I've done things I'm not proud of."_

 _"Haven't we all?" I muttered, though my curiosity spiked._

 _"It's cold here, cherry," he complained, changing the subject._

 _He got up and took my hand, pulling me up easily._

 _"Let's get to a place that's slightly warmer."_

 _"Are you sure you're saying no to sex?" I asked one more time._

 _"No," he said, turning around what desperate eyes. "I want you, right now. But I can't have you, not when you're like this, asking me of something you don't fully comprehend in your intoxicated brain."_

 _"Okay..." I said awkwardly. "Fine. No need to talk about my brain now. Jeez...it's just sex."_

 _"Cherry," he said with a forced smile. "It's really not. When you're sober and still saying yes, I'll show you. When you're sober and you still want it, I'll show you that it's not just sex."_

 _"Do you know that because of Tanya and the many, many women you've had sex with?"_

 _"I'm going to ignore that question and answer the one you're truly asking."_

 _I crossed my arms and looked down._

 _"If I didn't stop, what number would you have been?" he asked. "How many women have I slept with?"_

 _"I don't want to know," I said quickly with a shrug._

 _"Yeah, you do. It's obvious you do."_

 _"No, I really don't."_

 _"Because it's_ just _sex?" he asked. "Who cares if it's the first or fiftieth time?"_

 _He mimicked my words and I glared at him._

 _"Just a moment ago, you were so nice. But you can be really mean when you want to be."_

 _"I know."_

 _He stepped forward and played with the wet tips of my hair._

 _"If you want, Bella, someday, when you're ready, sober and no longer in love with Jacob, I'll be your first. Your number one. If that day comes, I'd be honored, thrilled and flattered to be the first man you have sex with."_

 _I looked up when he no longer spoke. He was still twirling pieces of my hair around his fingers._

 _"If that day comes, you'll be my number two. My second."_

 _"Second?" I repeated, my heart skipping a beat._

 _"I've only been with Tanya," he explained. "She was my high school lover. We dated when I was fifteen. She was my...fiancee when I was twenty."_

 _"Fiancee?" I croaked out._

 _"Barely," he added._

 _He was sad and I felt his pain because obviously his breakup had been a bad one too._

 _"Something happened in my life when I was twenty. I can't tell you now...it's a long story."_

 _He glanced my way and I nodded a little in understanding._

 _"It was a horrible time for me and I just needed her the most. Instead of simply breaking up with me, she cheated on me. We dated for five years. She accepted my marriage proposal."_

 _He shook his head._

 _"We were only engaged for two weeks. Exactly the amount of time she was-"_

 _"-fucking another man."_

 _He steered his head toward me and watched me with care - and awe._

 _I, for the love of God, had no idea what came over me. I_ never _cursed._

 _"Bella Swan, did the f-word just leave your mouth?"_

 _He never allowed me to answer._

 _"Why do you sound angry?"_

 _My lips parted to speak and his eyes descended._

 _Absolutely, I was angry. Whatever happened to Edward, he described it as horrible. And that girl didn't have the courtesy to stick around or break up with him._

 _"How old is she?" I said instead._

 _"Same age as me," he said._

 _"Twenty-five," he added in a way of reminding me._

 _"Did you love her?"_

 _"In a way."_

 _He shrugged a little._

 _"She and I were never meant to be. I see that now."_

 _"How?" I asked pleadingly._

 _How could you know such a thing? Even just now, Edward told me he'd wait for me, until I stopped loving Jacob. Until I knew Jacob and I weren't meant to be._

 _"You know how tonight she and I would meet up at the bar you and your friends were?"_

 _I nodded._

 _"I was happy, for a moment, to see her again. Despite the cheating. I know it's terrible."_

 _What a hypocritical man! The first time I met him, he judged me for still loving Jacob. He said I had little self-respect._

 _"Then I saw you and I knew."_

 _Hypocrite or not, he touched my heart each time, more and more._

 _"I found you tonight."_

 _But it was too much kindness._

 _"I wanted to be with you, because the night belongs to lovers."_

 _After quick calculation, I asked the first thing I could come up with._

 _"You and Tanya broke up five years ago. Didn't-"_

 _He interrupted me._

 _"No," he said, even though he couldn't possibly know what I'd been meaning to ask. "I was twenty-one until...the disaster I was in was finally solved. I needed time to...get my life back on track. Get my degree. Cope with loss. So, no. There hasn't been anyone since Tanya. There has been no sex since five years."_

 _I took the blouse and wrapped it tightly around my body. He'd seen me naked, but with the blouse on, I felt even more exposed than I did before._

 _"Yeah," I said in a shaky voice. "I understand."_

 _I was literally dying._

 _You'd think that a love confession is the highest form of...love. And trust and faith._

 _It's not._

 _"You," I said, my voice shaking even hard. "Been cheated on by your fiance, whom you'd been dating for five years, then something terrible happened to you five years ago and then you needed time to get back on track and for five years...you didn't... have..."_

 _"Sex," he finished, looking me in the eye. "Correct."_

 _The realization hit me harder than it should've._

 _"But then...I'm not a one night stand."_

 _"Bella," he said with a quiet sigh. "You never were."_

I shot up and ran to my room, so fast I slipped, but I managed to catch myself on my closet. I threw on panties, a shirt. I was searching in my closet like a maniac for pants, and the first thing I found, was jean shorts. I hadn't worn these in years. I'd worn them only a handful of times, when my friends threw a party and required slutty clothes.

No time to waste or find a better pair, I threw them on as well. Most of my legs were showing, but that was unimportant. I shoved my feet into my sneakers without tying them.

I ran again, out of my bedroom and out of my house. I left the door open behind me and looked right, and left. Nobody was there, except one figure, in his car. Headlights were blinding me and he was ready to go.


	19. Chapter 19

**_A/N:_** _I'm sorry for the abandonment. I want to thank everybody for their support and reviews._

 _Merry Christmas! It's oh so near..._

 _Enjoy~_

* * *

 ** _Chapter 19_**

I ran as if my life depended on it. I think it did.

The headlights blinded me when I reached his car and I had no way of knowing if he heard or even saw me. I just knew I had to stop him before it was too late. I ran in front of the car as it moved and for a fleeting second I wondered about my stupidity.

 _If he doesn't see me, I'll get hit._

Wondering if I knew any quick karate move to either jump up, to the left, to the right, I came to the realization that it was too late. If he didn't hit his brakes, I would completely get run over and end up under a car. _His_ car.

" _Fuck._.." I said to I guess God in an ironic way.

I couldn't remember the last time I said _fuck_. I could remember the last times I thought about death and this was not how I planned it to be. This was however God's way to tell me I wasn't in control. He was.

Was I going to end like this?

 _Please God, no._

 _Damn it, Bella. You're such an idiot._

I couldn't tell for sure if I was religious, really. I mean, come to think of it, a lot seemed to happen that made me wonder if something else was involved.

The car came to a screeching halt and I expected him to storm out, for the headlights to stop blinding me, for a yell, a confused look, anything, _anything_ , that would indicate Edward felt something.

Nothing happened as I continued being blinded.

 _Shit._

I knew of all reactions, his silence was the worst.

I knew.

It was my turn now to act like the adult.

I walked over to his side and opened the door.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "That was so stupid of me."

He stepped out and I quickly gave him space. It didn't escape my attention he had no intention to stay; his engine was still running and his headlights remained on.

His eyes found mine, which were rather blank.

"What are you thinking?" I asked nervously.

"You don't want to know," he said with tight lips.

I blinked. I did want to know. When after a split second he didn't further elaborate, I decided not to push him.

"For whatever it's worth, I'm really sorry."

"Whatever, Bella."

I pressed my lips on each other awkwardly. I detected a tone in his voice that suggested that he wanted me to give him an explanation for why I did what I just did. He sounded upset, which I didn't blame him. I was the idiot that went to stand in front of a moving vehicle.

"I had to tell you something before you left."

He chuckled humorlessly and again I didn't blame him. He had every right to be upset with me. I was upset with myself. I just hoped he would listen to me.

Really listen.

"You caught my attention," he said dryly.

It was absurd, the first thing that came up in my mind.

 _I'm broke._

My current bank balance? Nothing near the kind of money one needed for an Ivy League. I was probably about ninety-five percent short and that included just the first year of my long road of my medical career.

It was funny how for years I wanted to study medicine, but I never looked beyond; which university, which city, a new job or no job, how would I pay? I always figured I would work it out one step at a time.

"I need you because I can't pay for Yale on my own."

It took him a moment. His stare unnerved me and I instantly felt like a fool. My point was not money. It was certainly an issue but it wasn't the issue at hand.

It surely wasn't the reason I went to stand in front of his car.

I took a nervous breath and drew it out hard. All the time he observed me. Maybe tried to calculate me.

It wasn't rocket science what I was trying to tell him; but it came out all wrong.

"That's fine," he said, watching me strangely. "I'll pay."

For some reason, I melted and my eyes welled up. Money never bought happiness, of that I was certain. But Edward, telling me he would pay after everything we'd been through, after everything Jacob did to him and after everything I caused on him, it was the most heart touching thing I heard from him.

Unfortunately, he didn't catch what I truly meant though.

Did he not see what I truly meant? Did he not see that I didn't stand in front of his car because I was poor and he was not?

Did he not notice the _other_ thing I told him?

I tried a different tactic.

"I need you because I still need a psychiatrist."

I might as well find some truth in that. I was standing in the freezing cold with my legs and arms exposed to the slowly falling snow. And I almost made him a killer.

"I gathered that. Probably meds too."

My lips parted in shock. Only Edward could tell me something as sweet as his willingness to pay for my tuition, and then ruin it by saying something so offensive, so harsh.

 _Even if it's the truth._

His voice kept ringing in my head, _'I gathered that_ ', which meant he thought I was crazy after all. _'And meds too'_ because I wasn't going to get fixed without pills.

I tried to force myself to believe it was fair. It was. He'd seen me when I was on my lowest. He'd witnessed so much. It was in his right to point it out.

But damn him for telling me so rudely!

My hand reached my cheek and I quickly wiped the first tear that rolled down angrily.

"I'll show you the greatest ones so they can help you," he added.

 _Great._

Now he took pity on me.

 _I don't want you to show me the greatest ones._

It was I now who stared at him as if he was an idiot or he was playing to fool on purpose.

Whichever it was, I felt a sudden hate for the man I once loved; Jacob Black. If it weren't for him, my life would have been so different now. I would've never gotten that fake criminal record, and if that never happened...I would've never reported Edward to the police.

We could've gone on a second date.

I could've gathered the courage to tell him I blacked out and he could've reassured me about everything.

But that was another life, an alternative world that I would never meet.

"I need you so I can take my revenge on Jacob."

He barked out a laugh. "Revenge? Why? It won't help you in any way. I took my revenge on you. It never made me feel better. I assure you."

I looked away briefly as I realized it would take him a long time to forgive himself. He did...hurt me with the way he took revenge, but truly...I would have done the same if the roles were switched.

"Besides," he said, his voice a little less harsh. "If Jacob never did what he did-"

"We would've gone on a second date," I finished, the alternative world still fresh in mind.

"No," he said, again rather harshly.

 _What's wrong with him?_

Was he deliberately making it harder for me than it already was?

"You would've never found out that he withheld the truth from you that all Ivy Leagues want you," he said.

My lips parted to argue instantly, but I realized that he was right. Despite how messed up everything turned to be, because of Jacob's reappearance in my life, I found out the truth.

No, I didn't.

 _Edward_ found out the truth. He figured it out while I might've lived in the dark forever, were it not for him.

"I only ever found out because of you. I don't doubt that."

Did I ever thank him?

"Was there something else you needed?" he said in a clipped tone.

His loud car made me realize he really wanted to go as soon as possible.

Was it not minutes ago that he said he loved me?

Or was his love for me a fleeting emotion?

I watched him with exhaustion.

"I need you for your brain?" I tried weakly.

 _Catch it..._

He smirked and shook his head.

"Says Miss GPA 98.8," he said, taking a step closer to his car and away from me.

He was leaving.

If I didn't say it, he would leave for good.

It was hard for me to admit the following, but I forced myself to do it; quick and sharply painful.

"I need you because I won't ever find somebody like you."

He opened his mouth but wasn't very quick to respond, probably because he didn't quite understand what I meant and probably because he was maybe seeing a pattern.

A very obvious pattern.

A three lettered sentence.

Deciding to hand it out to him on a silver platter, I said, "I need you."

For whatever reason I could come up with, selfish or generous, silly or serious, I needed him.

He looked away. His chest went up and he sighed hard.

Now that I had a taste of him, I knew what a real connection was like. In my life, maybe a few people had connected with me on _some_ level, but never in the way that Edward and I connected. How could I live with myself if I let him walk away without at least trying?

Trying to make him stay. If he still wanted.

"That's not true," he said. "You'll find somebody."

 _I already did find him,_

 _but he's a blind, stubborn moron._

"No," I said in a hurry

My next words came out even more hurriedly.

"I need you because you had patience when you had every right to lose your cool, when I pretended to know about sex, when I reported you for rape, when I lied in court, when you lied for me in court, when I was at a cemetery thinking about suicide, when I ran in front of your car with a weird assumption that you have superpowers. Maybe-"

He interrupted me. "Stop, Bella."

I wouldn't stop.

"Maybe you had _thoughts_ of wanting me dead, or perhaps you truly wanted to hurt me, abuse me, kill me or strike ten thousand times harder, but that fact is that you didn't."

"I did hurt you."

For a second I waited for a bit longer, expecting an apology or anything. But that was all he had to say.

"All that you did to me wasn't that bad," I said quietly.

He huffed. I knew he didn't agree.

"I've had worse."

He shook his head and I knew he didn't believe me.

"Did you ever see one of your parents with their dead eyes wide open? Yeah, I mean, I don't mean to disrespect you. I know you saw your friend James dead and I know that was horrible but... a dead parent?"

He looked away for a moment, but then looked at me and shook his head no.

"In that case," I said, slowly, "I can assure you, that your lawsuit against me, on the _24th..._ is not so bad compared to the 24th I had five years ago."

I still remembered clearly in what terrible state I was that moment. There was so much emotion, that day when my teenage life changed forever. Nothing could be worse than the first day I met death which forced me to live a life without a dad.

"You still have your dad...and your mom. And siblings. A family. So don't even try and patronize me by saying you know how that day felt for me and how it still has effects. You didn't lose...everything."

I did.

He never responded.

"Crushing my hand..." Because he had indeed bruised it during our dance - "it's already healing. Really. It's nothing compared to... compared to..."

I looked away, because I couldn't say it.

He said it. "Cigarette burns."

His eyes landed on my wrist.

I shrugged casually but at the same time held my right wrist defensively. I'd never been able to stop feeling embarrassed. And because I felt that embarrassment now I started a quick ramble.

"This isn't the first time I sprained my ankle and it won't be my last.

"Not the first time I've been publicly humiliated. Not the last.

"Rosalie calling me a bitch is nothing compared to your own mother calling you one countless times.

"Verbally... assaulting me when our lawyers specified not to talk with each other... intimidating me... scaring me... I've had worse."

Right now I couldn't look at him anymore, because I was ashamed of all that mom once said to me. And I was about to voice them out loud for the first time to somebody.

"' _It should have been fucking you._ ' That one I heard the most and believed the most.

" _'Get out, you filthy bitch. Get the f...fuck...out of my and my husband's house.'_ After she had a few to drink. An empty bottle once hit my shoulder as I ran out of the house. I would leave and come back late when I was certain she had passed out. Not very pleasant, with the December cold.

" _'You will be the fucking death of me_.' I don't know why, she just, all of a sudden, grew sick of me."

I didn't know when Edward had taken off his jacket or when he stepped forward. I just knew that he placed it around my freezing body and I gladly accepted. He didn't step away and his close proximity was intimidating.

"It was the last thing she told me a few hours before... I'd been outside. I was soaking wet from the rain. But I felt relieved when I walked in. Because all the cigarette ash and butts were gone. The empty bottles gone. The broken glasses gone. The dishes clean and stocked away. The house looked and smelled clean. For a moment I thought _I'm home_. The shower was running so I figured mom was taking a shower. Even if it was two a.m. on the first of January. I'd spent New Year alone and felt ashamed for leaving her on her own. So I waited in the warm kitchen in my wet clothes for the water to stop. But I didn't mind because she'd turned on the heaters and I knew she wouldn't take long with the shower."

I choked for a moment as I saw a flash of my mother's corpse in bright red.

"Time passed. Fifteen minutes. Thirty minutes. After a full hour I decided to take a look. I knocked on the door which wasn't shut. My knock had caused for the door to be pushed open. I found... She laid in an awkward position. She had bled out. The water was still pink and there was blood on the walls... I knew then the meaning of... as white as a corpse. And then...I mean...nobody knows the exact date of her death. It was somewhere between the hours of New Year. I don't even know what date day used on the gravestone. 31st of December. January the first. Nobody will ever know. My mother killed herself with the knowledge that I would find her and she didn't even care. Or maybe love just ruins people. And her love for my dad ruined her. Then she destroyed me."

I laughed. It wasn't funny. But I still laughed.

 _I'm getting paranoid._

The story was one of the worst nights of my life and I never told a living soul. But it came out so fluently. Or maybe that was simply so because of the person whom I was telling it to.

"Did you know suicidal people clean up their home before they... do it?"

It was a lame way to change the subject. But I tried to make a point which I still had to voice out.

"Yes," Edward responded.

Of course he did.

I dared my eyes up and sighed. His eyes seemed a shade darker.

"Anyway...my point is that the second time death came around, I felt a lot. Guilt for not knowing she's suicidal. Guilt for not being able to save her. Guilt for being her daughter. Then betrayal. Because what mother does that to her child?"

He nodded a very little. It was an acknowledgement of what I was saying or perhaps an agreement to state that a terrible mother did that to her child.

I repeated, "I've had worse."

His eyes were distant and he was unresponsive.

I was shaking from cold, nerves and exhaustion.

"Please say something," I muttered.

"I wish you didn't have worse," he said.

I felt myself awkwardly shrugging. Right now I felt more exposed than ever. I dropped my eyes again.

"I need you," I said desperately. "That's why I stopped you. If your knowledge about my abandonment issue isn't enough reason to stay at least for the night, than I hope this is enough reason for you to change your mind."

I dared my eyes up again and saw the most dreadful thing happen. He turned and stepped into his car.

However, his headlights and engine went off in a snap and he stepped out of his car. He threw the door shut and walked closer to me.

His face was hard. "You're making it very hard for me to walk away from you."

"Is that good or bad?"

He didn't answer. "I still need to arrange things for you."

"Now?"

"Yes. Your car and your phone."

"I wasn't planning on calling anyone or going anywhere."

He hesitated.

"I just don't want to be alone tonight."

"Alright."

That wasn't good enough.

"Will you stay?"

He nodded.

"Do you want to stay?"

Because that was the most important question.

If he didn't want to... I'd rather he leave.

I was so nervous for his response.

He smiled a little and shook his head.

"Bella," he said in the sweetest reassuring manner.

I braced myself.

"What the hell are you wearing?"

"Oh," I muttered, looking down at my over sized white shirt and very short jeans. My freezing nipples would've shown if it weren't for the size of my shirt. "It was this or nothing at all."

"Nothing at all," he repeated. "Did I not throw some stuff on your bed?"

My lips parted but I couldn't say anything, because he was absolutely right. I didn't notice them in my haste.

He chuckled and said no more as he started a slow walk towards my front door.

I had trouble walking. It was a combination of the exhaustion really hitting me, the cold which made made me numb and the pain in my feet.

The road to my bed suddenly seemed to be a marathon run.

"C'mere, Bella," he said softly, bending down and taking me into his arms.

With my feet in the air and my weight no longer on them, I felt instant gratification.

"T-Thank you," I said as a shiver ran through me.

"This is the second time tonight I have you in my arms."

I hummed as I leaned my head against his shoulder. He felt so nice.

Like home.

"Do you believe in God?" I muttered.

"No."

He walked us in and I heard the door shut. I assumed he used his foot to kick it shut.

"No?" I mumbled sleepily.

"Maybe. I don't know. I might."

He took me to my bedroom and placed me on the bed, quickly covering me with the blankets. I was too tired to sit up.

"Why 'might'?"

"How about you sleep, and when you wake we'll talk some more?"

"What if I wake and you're gone?"

He watched me for long time.

"I understand," I said, throwing my eyes downcast. "You never did answer my question whether you want to stay or if you're just doing it out of necessity."

"You're not a necessity."

That wasn't good enough.

"When you wake I will be right here."

I hummed.

"I won't sneak off at night. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Oh."

That was just him being a considerate guy.

He leaned down and my eyes snapped to him. However his lips went to my front head where he placed a soft kiss.

"Also, I very much would like to be with you for the night."

"Oh," I breathed. Those were the words I so badly needed to hear.

He chuckled and slowly raised.

I almost fell asleep when his voice brought me between that place of waking and sleeping.

"Cherry?" he whispered, "Do you remember everything now?"

"Hmm?"

"About that night."

 _My blackout..._

"Still a bit fuzzy at the end," was all I could mutter to explain that I still didn't know what happened that entire night.

I fell into a deep darkness - restless, filled with nightmares which I forgot as soon as I woke.

My body was soar. I had a blasting headache.

My bedroom was dark and quiet.

I was alone in my bed.

 _For the night..._

I glanced to the door. It was ajar, something I never did.

 _So last night wasn't a dream._

And if Edward spoke the truth, he was in the living room. Or maybe in the kitchen or the bathroom.

 _For the night..._

I sneaked out of bed slowly and pulled open my door.

I expected an empty room with. I expected him to be gone.

I didn't expect to see him on the couch, lying on his back. One of his arms was on his stomach, the other hanging over the couch. He had even kept his shoes on.

 _For the night..._

I glanced at the clock. It was only a quarter past 7.

It was Christmas.

 _Merry Christmas, Edward._

Glancing at the strange clothes I was wearing, I realized that last night I'd been sleep drunk.

I'd been intoxicated in front if Edward twice; a few weeks ago because of tequila and last night because of lack of sleep.

I felt so ashamed for what I'd done and said.

I pulled on a pair of warm tight pantyhose. I threw the Yale sweater over it, which reached my hips. I found a pair of ankle boots in the back of my closet and quickly tied the laces.

I made a quick trip to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and combed my hair. My face...I looked so weary.

Not liking what I saw in my reflection, I pulled myself away from the mirror.

I had no phone, I had no car, but I didn't mind a walk.

But Edward had been kind enough to stay, so I went to my kitchen table where I found some paper and a pen.

I wrote a quick note for him and left it on the side table by the couch.

 _For the night..._

It was easier this way. It was better.

I went to take my cash card and keys and realized I had no pockets. I sighed and instead put them in the sides of my bra.

The sweater was unimaginably warm. I took a black scarf from my hat rack and slowly put it on.

I glanced back one last time, expecting to see him staring at me. But I hadn't woken him and he was still breathing deeply in his sleep.

 _For the night..._

I opened the front door softly and stepped into the fresh morning air. The sun wasn't up yet. It wasn't even dawn yet.

 _Goodbye, Edward._

I shut the door as quietly as I'd opened it and started to walk.

To where, I had no idea.

* * *

I had underestimated the sweater and my scarf and my hurt ankle. In less then ten minutes, I'd been freezing and my ankle was throbbing. I stepped into the first bakery I found. The atmosphere was cheerful, happy. A few families had gathered around and barely noticed a loner walking in.

 _"If your knowledge about my abandonment issue isn't enough reason to stay at least for the night, than I hope this is enough reason for you to stay."_

 _"Do you want to stay?"_

 _"Also, I very much would like to be with you for the night."_

I remembered the short note I left for him on the table:

 _Edward,  
Thank you for staying for the night. It was exactly what I needed.  
Now you can go.  
Bella  
P.S. I know it's not much, but I want you to have my pepper spray. Merry Christmas  
P.P.S. I just went out for a walk, nothing else. Don't worry. _

I ordered a large cup of gingerbread coffee, one of their specials. I saw delicious food and amazing sweets, but I just didn't have any appetite. Maybe later. I would need to wait for a very long amount of time to be certain Edward had woken up, read my note, and left.

Left me.

I felt an uncomfortable squeeze in my chest.

 _For the night..._

The coffee was warm in my hand, but I couldn't take a sip. I was too scared to put something inside my stomach, afraid it would come out. I felt sick to my stomach.

 _"Or maybe love just ruins people."_

I guess that's what love did to a person. I'd felt this way before with Jacob. I couldn't do it another time with Edward. Because if he too decided to some day betray me, I didn't know I would be able to handle that hit. I didn't, no, _I couldn't_ become my mother - a bled out corpse in the shower, a person filled with hatred and suicidal thoughts.

Besides, Edward was a billionaire. He had so much money, so much resources. He could go and live anywhere he wanted, with whomever he wanted. He could go and be happy with a perfect woman.

Why would I allow him to be with a mentally ill girl? I wouldn't do that to anybody...

The way my mom hurt me, it was bad. She was the worst mother...but not before dad died. Just for that small week where she went mentally crazy, that's when she hurt me real bad.

I wouldn't wish that on anybody and I certainly wouldn't do that to Edward.

I was already starting to become my mother, I knew that. It was slow, but apparent.

 _If I vomit, I hope I'm in time to make it to the bathroom._

Also, Edward was five years older than me. He had a career, while I was currently nowhere and on my way to my career, which was currently a mess.

How could we ever become a reality? It was more likely we would be a catastrophe, a disaster.

 _For the night..._

The coffee felt less hot against my fingers. I glanced outside and it was still very dark, but I think dawn had begun. I loved the beginning of the day, loved how it felt and how it looked like.

Sadly I hadn't seen enough sunrises in my life. They brought a sense of hope with them, something which I felt very little since...pretty much since my parents died.

But also since Jacob cheated on me. My mind would always go back to that moment, to that day. No matter how bad I tried, Jacob had ruined a big part of my life. Would I ever be able to let it go?

I looked at my now cold coffee and pushed it aside. With that I hoped I would be able to push aside Jacob, the pain, the drama, the chaos, my exhaustion.

I could go for another walk, go see the sunrise from the park. The view on the sunrise was amazing from there. So I've heard from a stranger who once told me in Mike's cafeteria. I never witnessed it myself.

Then again it was freezing outside and with no food in my system, the cold seemed even more apparent. And my ankle was still hurt badly.

 _When is the last time I ate?_

Was it lunch? No, because we went to Emmett's birthday party before lunch. I did have a mini lunch with Alice right before we left to the party, just a cheese toast.

So it had been almost twenty-one hours the last time I ate.

 _I should eat._

But I couldn't eat with the way I felt right now.

After a while, I no longer had a thought in my mind. I only stared at the empty seat before me and zoned out.

It was both relaxing and frightening.

A hand touched my shoulder and I jumped at the sudden contact.

A body slid on the booth next to mine.

 _It couldn't be..._

"I didn't peg you for the type of girl that would hit and run."

He placed the pepper spray on the table in front of me. My eyes stayed on the pepper spray.

"Then again, you tried to run the day after you spent the night with me."

A moment passed.

"I do remember clearly that yesterday, upon my mention of your car and phone, you said that you weren't planning on calling anyone or going anywhere."

Well...technically, I still wasn't planning on calling anyone.

"Well, I'm starving. I'm going to get something to eat. Can I get you anything?"

How did he even find me?

Why did he even try and find me?

Why would he want to?

I had allowed him to leave. I handed him a free pass.

He slowly got up after another moment passed.

"So is the coffee here any good?" he continued casually.

He took the cup from the table and took a sip.

It was probably ice cold coffee now.

He hummed and put the coffee back on the table.

And he was gone. I used that time to think.

There was nothing for me to think about. He came. He found me. He rejected my gift for him, which I was currently staring at.

He was rather quick to return with two coffee's, both gingerbread from what I smelled.

"There you go," he said as he sat back next to me, his arm on the booth behind me, but not quite touching me.

I didn't thank him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I wondered what he was thinking.

If he was observing me again, he probably saw a girl sitting in silence, staring at a gift she received long time ago.

"The P.P.S. was unnecessary," he said. "You left your room a mess."

Because as I mentioned barely a few hours ago, people who were suicidal usually cleaned their house before they committed the crime.

He was staring at me, I could feel it.

My staring object vanished. Edward took the pepper spray and leaned over me. I froze a little but didn't move.

"I wouldn't dare of taking something that you need more than I do. Keep it, please."

I didn't accept it from his hand.

"I know where you keep it and either you place it back or it will be my pleasure, Cherry."

Something happened when he called me that...

At the same time I thought: what a gigantic ass! He even had the audacity to have mirth in his voice.

I snatched the pepperspray from him - because having his hand under my clothes, near my bra, against my breast - _not right now, thanks._

I was quick to put it back in place. It was a struggle for a moment, because my keys were there as well, but I managed well.

"Our Christmas special," I heard as a few plates were placed on the table. "Let me know if you need anything else. Enjoy."

"Thanks," Edward said.

I didn't thank her.

"Please, eat."

There was delicious food on the table: waffles with powdered sugar, special cakes and small sugary sweets I couldn't name.

He didn't take a bite and neither did I. He did take the coffee and sipped.

"Come on, Cherry," he said with a lightheartedness. "Am I that terrible to look at in the morning?"

He had no idea...how adorable he looked like in his sleep.

 _There's nothing wrong with your looks._

"You must be hungry," he said with a plea in his voice. "Alice told me the last thing you ate was just before lunch. _Yesterday_. And you had a shit filled day yesterday that must've drained you. Please eat."

 _I'll eat when I'm hungry._

It didn't go unnoticed by me that he and Alice had talked about me, but when?

"Just don't blame me when I have to drag your passed out body to the hospital because you refused to eat."

He didn't understand, but eating was not an option right now. I wasn't in the right mindset, in the right time. I needed some space.

Magically, he understood. He finished his coffee slowly and in silence.

I appreciated that he stopped pushing me.

All of a sudden he said, "I'm truly, deeply sorry."

His body turned but I made no move to change my position or the object my eyes were staring at; the cup of coffee.

"I'm sorry for hurting you."

He reached up slowly. I made no notion of moving so his hand continued to the side of my lips. The back of his fingers touched my cheek. I needed a moment to get used to his touch, yet the moment I needed lasted that short that I was frightened by how easily I was adjusting to him.

"I miss your smile."

He took my hand and brought it to his lips, where he gently kissed it. Again, it felt so natural.

"I wish I didn't do this to you," he said, his fingers touching the back of my hand where a blue spot had formed. "I wish I hadn't drown in anger and hurt you."

Too bad for both of us that we wouldn't get to see the alternative world where things were the way we wanted them to be.

"I need to know something, Bella," he said quietly. "I assumed you still are, but are you still a virgin, or not anymore?"

I froze at that. How on earth could he ask me that?

What did he think of me?

"After you left court, and after I hit Jacob, he told me you two... you know."

I stopped breathing.

"And that you loved it. Every second of it. Screamed out his name in pleasure."

I was at a loss for words.

That was far from the truth...

"If you did it, it's okay. If you had _sex_ with Jacob, it's fine."

At that, I did turn my eyes to meet his.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"I just want to know," he said in finality. "He was, after all, your first love. Sometimes all anybody needs is a moment of happiness. I hope he was good to you."

"He was fantastic," I snapped.

The guilt wasn't even there as I lied to him. It felt good to know that I was having the upper hand. Never in my wildest dreams did I consider Edward only cared about my virginity.

But then there was his voice, which sounded truly hurt and sad. The way he told me that he just wanted to know and basically allowing me to get that moment of happiness.

My mind, my body, my soul, each cell inside me felt a panic and it completely held me prisoner.

"I'm sorry for bringing up your virginity. I was only checking... anyway, I'm happy for you."

He abruptly stopped.

 _'I was only checking-'_

Checking if I was in fact still a virgin? Checking if I'd truly lost it to Jacob? Checking _what_?

And _happy_? For _me_? What on earth was there for him to be happy about for me?

I asked, "Only checking...what?"

He didn't respond.

"Checking if Jacob beat you to it?"

It hurt to speak my thoughts and the least he could do is do the same and give me at least that - his honest thoughts.

I wanted to know the truth. Which was hypocritical, as I was lying, tricking him into believing the lie that Jacob and I had sex.

"No," he said with a scoff. "Jacob is capable of plenty. He hijacked all of your acceptance letters and changed them into decline letters. He managed to do this _twice_. He made a fake criminal report. He got me fired from work. He calculated everything from the moment he entered your life again, just to fuck with your mind. And later your body."

I flinched and he didn't apologize.

"Look, Bella. Tanya was my first and I was her first. The first weeks we were barely even able to have sex. It hurt her too much. Only after some time did she finally get used to the...feeling, I suppose and then it didn't hurt. I wasn't prying on your sex life. I just needed to know if he didn't hurt you. I was checking if he didn't add rape to his conscience. Sure, you're allowed to know I'm fucking pissed that a lowlife used your innocent body for his own pleasure as I cannot imagine for even a second that he could make you feel good."

My breath faltered and I thought of how right he was.

"But if he was, in your opinion, fantastic, but more importantly, you gave your consent, than I can bear the idea."

I froze and felt it immediately.

 _Guilt._

Because I lied to him.

He wasn't checking if I was a virgin for his own pleasure.

He was just looking after me, like he had always been doing.

He wanted to know if Jacob didn't hurt me during such assault.

I reached for a napkin and pressed it repeatedly against my eyes. I couldn't handle anymore tears, but this right now, this was my doing. This was my fault.

I had to fix this.

"H-He's guilty of a lot," I croaked out. "But not of r-rape. At least, not me."

He glanced at me with narrowed eyes.

I realized my words came out all wrong. It now sounded like I accused Jacob of rape, but some other person.

It was wise to tell him straightforward what I meant to say, but speaking became harder when I started gasping for air.

"You need to leave!" I whispered-hissed.

He raises his eyebrows unimpressed. "You need to breathe."

"Go!"

"I'm not leaving you, Cherry."

I grabbed the table in panic.

 _Cherry._

It wasn't the first time he called me cherry, but this time it was different. He still called me that, even though in his world it lost all its meaning.

Also, the way he said it... _'I'm not leaving you.'_

It sounded like a promise.

It all went so fast and my mind was spinning in a sickening manner. I wiped away the left-over tears, even though it felt like I still had so many more to shed.

His hand held my shoulder firmly, then went to my back and rubbed soothing circles. I felt ashamed that through the thick sweater, he could probably feel the way my body trembled in fear.

"Just leave," I murmured in exhaustion.

"You look guilty, Cherry," he said.

 _I am._

I closed my eyes in shame.

"Tell me what it is," he offered. His hand halted for a moment.

"No."

"Why?"

"You'll hate me."

"I doubt it."

I shook my head and he started the sweet caress on my back again.

"Please, sweet Cherry, tell me what Jacob did to you," he pleaded.

"Why are you calling me cherry still...?" I muttered.

"Because I want to," he stated.

He squeezed my shoulder then.

"Tell me what Jacob did."

"I can't."

"Because I'll hate you?" he asked with mirth. "What do you care? You're dumping me anyway."

"Excuse me?" I asked in shock. "I'm...I wasn't...what?"

He put the note I left for him on the table in front of me and gave me a look.

"You left me," he stated.

"N-No... you've got... no... that's not-"

"This is the definition of you leaving me," he said, first pointing at the note and than at me.

I stared at the note.

"I'm not saying you're not free to leave. But wasn't it a few hours ago you told me that you need me and you told me... Bella, what you told me about your mother's death is so personal. People don't just share intimate stories with people for the sake of nothing. I would know."

He shared with me his intimate story too; the reason behind the scars on his back.

"What you told me is more intimate than sex will ever be. _You_ should know now that you know what it's like..."

 _Because he thinks I'm no longer a virgin._

"Though I doubt Jacob showed any intimacy. How the fuck was that scum fantastic?"

"Stop it," I croaked.

If the timing were different, I might even think that he was jealous.

"I have a hard time stopping when you won't tell me what Jacob did. You're letting my imagination run free and it's fucking disturbing. I have a very vivid imagination. It's fucked up, the things that I see right now."

The way he was looking at me spoke volumes and I felt my cheeks get warmer.

"Here's one for your imagination; the cherry is still a cherry."

"What?" he asked with a scoff.

I looked away.

"Don't ask me why, because I have no clue, but," I said curtly, "Jacob lied to you."

There was no way in telling what he felt at that moment. I didn't even bother with trying to decipher his mood.

"Then again, so did I. So go, just go."

"Jacob lied to me when he said that you two had sex?"

I nodded.

"What about in general?"

"In general?"

"Did you have sex with any other man?"

"Nobody except you."

"We didn't have sex."

"It's the closest thing I've got."

Talking about my non-existent sex life was uncomfortable, to say the least.

I leaned forward and tore off a piece of the waffle. Then I leaned back and took a small bite off it. I ate, because I didn't know what else to do or say.

When the food was inside my system, I realized that I was famished.

His hand reached my neck where my skin was bare. His warm fingers touching my skin sent electricity down my spine. I had to suppress a shudder.

I knew I could tell him to stop touching me, but the honest fact was that I didn't want to.

"Why are you dumping me, Cherry?"

 _There was that question again._

"Why did you leave this morning?"

"Staying wasn't an option. And neither is it for you to stay here with me. I'm not good for you."

"That's cute," he said with a grin. "You're worried for me."

He took a piece of the waffle and popped it in his mouth. Next, he was watching me in a strange way as he slowly chewed.

At the same time, as if he didn't even knew he was doing it, his fingers made circles around the bone from my spine that stuck out of my skin.

"What?" I muttered.

"I can't find a single reason why staying can't possibly be an option."

"Think harder."

"I still can't find a reason."

He never even bothered with a second to think

"Why did I stand in front of your car yesterday?" I asked desperately.

His hand froze. He shut his eyes for a moment and muttered, "You were sleep deprived. You had a horrible day."

"No! People do crazy stuff. They stay with you on Christmas Eve in their shitty apartment. They offer you money for your tuition fee. They..."

I turned to stare at the table.

"...buy you breakfast when they really shouldn't."

"People do crazy stuff," he repeated in a voice that held mock.

I took a deep breath.

"They desperately stand in front of a moving vehicle."

"Fucking crazy," he muttered.

"Isn't everybody a little fucking crazy, especially when they're in love?" I said so softly that there was a chance he may have missed it.

It was Edward's moment to freeze. And it was the closest I had to tell him that I loved him.

 _No, he didn't miss it._

"Last night, you stayed but it was just _for the night_."

 _For the night..._

"Just like I asked you to stay at least _for the night_. Just like how you told me you'd stay with me _for the night_. It was goodbye."

I took another a big chunk of the waffle and started biting pieces off it.

 _I'm starving._

The coffee tasted delicious too.

Or maybe food was that which prevented me from feeling anything.

"So," I eventually said. "You're better off with someone... someone... Who has no mental problems _big time_. Who's not five years younger than you are. Who's not on her struggling and stumbling way off to university while you already have a brilliant career. I mean, come on, you're better off with someone else. _Anyone_ else. Anyone who's not me. I'm catastrophe. I'm mental. I have nothing to offer you, except drama."

Then, he was quiet for a very long time. As I moved forward to grab food, his hand no longer made a connection with my skin. I think it was for the best.

I once looked at him quickly, but his eyes were in the distant.

Eventually, he said, "I see"

"Do you?"

He hummed.

I took another piece of the waffle and found some comfort in the food.

Edward was giving me no comfort. He was understanding me. Why did I want him to argue with me?

"Not only do you have abandonment issues. You're also scared of love."

I froze mid-chew.

"W-What?" I said with my mouth full.

"It's okay."

I shook my head with a scoff and quickly swallowed.

"Whatever, Edward," I said, repeating his words from last night. "So are you finally going to go now?"

He scowled.

"You're reassured, right? Jacob didn't rape me. No other man touched me. You're free to leave."

He may have had thoughts and he was probably reassured now, but why on earth did he...?

What's the reason...?

"Hang on," I said. "What's it to you if any other man, other than Jaocob, touched?"

"Curiosity," he said with a shrug, a smirk.

He was definitely amused, probably because I was staring at him with narrow eyes.

"Blame me, if you must," he said with another shrug. "I'm only a man."

 _With a penis._

"Of course you are. So did you have sex?"

He steered his head.

"What? You're allowed to ask me, but I can't ask you?"

He smiled a little. "Touché."

"Five years is a long time," I said, remembering what he told me on the one night stand and how he hadn't had sex for five years.

"You have no idea," he said with a small groan.

"So you did," I concluded.

My heart broke when I realized how crushed I'd be if he confirmed it.

I waited until he answered.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Nobody. Except you."

"Oh..."

"Damn unnerving, isn't it?" he said with a chuckle.

He knew exactly what I'd been thinking. And I now knew why he badly needed to know whether I'd had sex or not. It wasn't necessarily because he cared about my virginity. It was the fact whether I'd been with another man or not.

That brought me to my previous comment.

"You're free to leave, Edward," I said tiredly.

 _Just go._

"I know."

 _Then why aren't you leaving?_

"Is there anything else you need?"

"Absolutely. What are you thinking when I touch you?"

I stared at him and felt his fingers brush my face as he pushed my hair behind my ear.

"Though you needn't say the words," he said. "I can see the answer in your eyes."

I couldn't break free and I was too intrigued to know what he meant.

"What is the answer?"

"You're asking _me_ about your very own thoughts?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Just checking if whatever you think I'm thinking is true..."

"Hmm... Fair enough. Your body and mind are disconnected. You can tell me that you're not good for me and that I'll be better off with anyone who isn't you. You might even believe that."

"It's is true," I said hurriedly. "I swear I'm not lying."

"Then why is it that whenever I touch you," he said in a low whisper, "your body turns on and you don't do a thing to stop me?"

He leaned forward, not taking his eyes off me. Then he leaned over a little more, only a breath away.

A moment away from a kiss and I snapped my head away in shock, in realization of something I didn't even know myself.

My heart beat loudly against my chest - it hurt.

"As I was saying..." he said slowly. "Your body and your mind are disconnected."

"That is a very psychiatry thing of you to say. Should I take meds too for that mental disease as well as all my other mental disabilities?"

"Bella," he said in an embarrassed voice. "I didn't mean it like that yesterday."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Alright, dear. Fair enough."

I took a slow breath in.

"Are you finished?" I asked quietly.

 _Finished with me._

 _Finished and ready to go._

"No, wifey."

 _Wifey._

Wife.

What?

But it could not possibly mean what I thought it meant.

"If marriage is the only way to bind us together, I'll get married to you," he said with a shrug.

It felt like big, invisible hands were choking me.

I was prepared for his departure.

I never thought I needed preparation for an eternal binding.

"Do you want... There's sunrise... At the park, with great view. Always wanted to... but..."

I lost the ability to form coherent sentences.

That's what happened when I was given a marriage proposal in the oddest manner.

"Of course," he said, raising and holding out his hand for me.

I only accepted it briefly, until I was on my feet.

I regretted my idea because my ankle really hurt and I wasn't even sure where exactly the park was.

He paid at the cashier's desk and came by my side.

"You know," he said. "You needn't freak out because saying no is also an option."

I took a shuddering breath. "I don't know what you're talking about, because I never heard a question..."

"Touché," he said. "But you'd be running now if you heard a question."

"Touché..."

He opened the door and I wondered where on earth the park could be.

"You shouldn't walk too much on your hurt ankle."

Didn't I know it.

I heard the bleep of a car unlocking and realized that _of course_ he didn't come here by foot.

Gratefully I walked to his car and we both got in.

"So which way?" he asked as he started the engine.

"I have no idea."

He scoffed. "Alright. I do know a place and it does have a great view."

"Let's," I said quickly. This small, confined space where I smelled something that was just...Edward, it was consuming me. The sooner he drove, the sooner we'd get there.

There were Christmas songs playing on the radio. As the car moved, I started to relax. Only a little bit.

"Which one is your favorite?" I asked at last when his silence started to kill me.

"Hmm?"

"Christmas song."

"Oh. I like the song, _Baby, It's Cold Outside_."

I rolled my eyes.

"I saw that."

"Uhu."

"Well, let me guess. Your favorite is _All I Want For Christmas Is You_."

"Wrong."

"Last Christmas?"

"Absolutely not."

"Then?" he said.

I smiled.

"It's actually," I said, " _Baby, It's Cold Outside._ "

"For real?" he asked, turning his head to me.

"Why?" I wondered. "Is it only a song for those who aren't a virgin?"

"Baby," he drawled out in a way that made my heart leap. "That fact that a virgin could enjoy a song that's about _the possibility_ of sex really isn't that big of a shock."

He took a turn and I noticed the direction he was headed at was the same as the one I had to take when I was going to the hospital.

"I couldn't imagine you'd like a song where the word _baby_ is repeated all the time, because pet names bother you so much. Or maybe I should say bothered?"

 _Oh._

"But I was mostly surprised, because we match. What are the odds to like the same song?"

When he took another turn, I realized we were in fact going to the hospital. I stared at the parking space in horror.

He turned off the engine and turned his body to me.

"Do you trust me, Bella?"

I turned my head to him. I shrugged.

"In a way," I said.

"Fair enough."

He stepped out and so did I. This place was horrible. I didn't like being here.

We walked to the hospital together. I was a few steps behind.

He halted, took my hand, and made sure I walked next to him.

"Trust me," he said as we stepped inside the elevator.

He pressed on the twenty button.

"What's on the twentieth floor?"

"We're not going to the twentieth floor."

"Aha. Interesting."

"It's not that hard to guess," he said with a grin.

"So you're calling me stupid now."

Now he rolled his eyes. "Don't be so melodramatic, wifey. You'll see soon enough."

I flinched at the reminder of a vague marriage proposal. I turned my eyes to the doors and was surprised the elevator made not one stop as we rode up to the twentieth floor.

Then they finally slid open and I waited for him to step out first so I could follow him.

"Wait here," he said.

I stared at his back in confusion as he reached inside a small room that was filled with towels, bed sheets and that sort of thing. He pulled out a blanket and pointed at another door, that indicated the way to a stairwell.

"We're not going to the twentieth floor," he repeated.

"But there's not a twenty-first floor."

"True."

He opened the door to the stairwell and waited for me to step in too. Then he went up to a floor I didn't know existed.

The space here was very small and I was glad I wasn't claustrophobic.

"What floor is that?" I whispered. "Is it a secret floor? Does anyone else know about it?"

Edward laughed as he used a card to unlock another door.

"Were you not fired...?"

He shrugged and gave me the card as if it didn't matter that much. "Wealth has its perks."

"Can I ask something about that?"

He turned and the door he previously opened fell shut. He leaned against it.

"How did you become a billionaire?"

"I won the lottery."

Of course he was joking until I saw his face.

"I'm not Dr. Phil," he said with a laugh. "I'm just a regular psychiatrist who picked the right numbers."

I was in shock.

"So you're not special." I meant it as a joke but it came out rather serious.

He laughed. "No. I'm just an ordinary guy."

I looked at him as he laughed until slowly his mirth died and we both just stared. I didn't know what my face showed, but I was thinking that he was anything but ordinary. Winning money by dumb luck certainly didn't equal to Edward being an idiot.

He stepped aside and waved at the door.

"We might miss it. Hurry, Cherry. Unlock the door."

I squeezed past him and unlocked the door. I glanced back at him uncertainly.

"I promise. It's nothing scary."

Then, as I pushed the door open, I felt ice cold air hit my body and freeze it. I shrieked at the icy cold.

"Wow..."

We were on the roof top of the hospital.

I saw Forks in all it's glory and beyond, all cities, all roads, all buildings, all the green. That wasn't what was the most beautiful.

The sun was almost coming up.

I'd never seen anything like this before. For a moment, I forgot everything that was bad. Instead, I remembered so many good things. Amazing Christmases I had as a child and a teenager.

This moment with Edward.

His idea to take me here.

The sun came up then. The colors and the small rays of light as it peaked over the horizon. It was so beautiful. We were just in time.

In that moment I was happy.

Edward threw the blanket around my body and stood behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head.

"You trust me now?" he asked, as he had known all along that I was unsure.

I laughed, a real laugh. "Yes."

Sunrises never lasted that long, but this one seemed to last forever.

"Thank you," I said.

"No. Thank you. Finally a smile."

I only vaguely heard him.

"It's beautiful," I said with my narrowed eyes on the sun.

"You're beautiful."

I snapped my eyes to his voice and saw that all this time he's only been looking at me.

 _Oh._

"You come here often?" I said because that's what I did when someone complimented me and stared at me - divert the conversation.

"Not often enough," he said with a sigh.

"Shame."

I heard his chuckle. He released his grip on me and turned around to face me.

"Bella," he said with a soft smile.

"Oh, no," I said, shaking my head and taking a step back.

"You think I'll cheat on you?" he said with a raised eyebrow. "You think I'll stop loving you? You think I can't stand you? You think you're not worthy enough for me?"

"Please stop..."

He shook his head.

"Here's are some facts for you, baby. You think our age gap will break us?"

So much talking, so many words...

"You and Jacob had no age difference and look how that ended."

My mouth dropped open.

 _That's...unimaginably true._

"You think your big time mental problems bother me? Did you forget that I was once having suicidal thoughts myself? That I've been brought to hell, I was hospitalized for weeks. I know how much it hurts."

It was the most unrealistic thing to see before me. This man in all his glory didn't seem like he was once vulnerable, hurt. Suicide. I didn't forget. But it did slip my mind.

"I am a psychiatrist. I see mental problems on a daily basis. Trust me when I tell you that you're not mentally ill."

"If you're telling me facts, then tell what I am instead. Mentally, something is wrong."

He brought his lips a little up and shook his head. "Fine. If you must know. You've been depressed since you were fifteen. You have panic attacks and hyperventilation attacks. You were suicidal. You have fear of commitment. And love. I suspect you have a sub form of ADHD, which is not that relevant, but since we're stating facts, I thought I'd give them to you all."

"Oh, is that all?" I asked with a shaky voice. "And here I thought I'm crazy."

"Those things don't make you crazy," he said. "They make you human. What the fuck do you expect from yourself, when you lose your dad to cancer, your mother to suicide and your ex-boyfriend to another woman?"

"Stop."

"I can tell you things which I can't back up with proof; I won't cheat on you. I'll always return. I won't stop talking to you. Even if you give me the silence treatment. I won't stop loving you because part of me fell in love and that part will remain in love forever. But how much are words without any proof worth to you?"

His eyes were fierce.

"Nothing," I answered.

I gathered the courage to say these next words.

"I don't want to get married to you."

"Not a problem, Cherry."

I felt myself scowl but his face was... perfectly alright. Just like that, he was okay with it.

As always, I blurted out the first thing that came in mind.

"It's insane."

"What is?"

"The wedding night. The girl giving her virginity to the boy. It's ridiculous."

He stared at me blankly.

Next, he said, "If that's the only reason you're saying no to marriage, why don't we get a room right now to get rid of the problem?"

It was I then who stared at him blankly.

"Pretend we had sex. You're no longer a virgin. What will your next excuse be?"

I scowled.

"The way I see it is we have a lot in common. None of it isn't trivial. Our favorite Christmas song. Our same Ivy League dream. Our crazy suicidal mind. Our fears we have overcome. I'm no longer scared of a club and you are no longer triggered when I call you a pet name or when someone curses. And that's not turning you into your mother, rather it means you've healed."

"Damn you!" I said, hitting his chest with my palm where he caught my wrist, holding me close to him, so close... "How can you say so many messed up things all at once and still sound charming?"

"I'm certain it wouldn't sound so very charming to normal people. But we're anything but. You're mad. I'm mad."

I smiled and shook my head as something in my mind recognized Alice in Wonderland. "You're entirely bonkers."

"But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."

He grinned.

I started for the door, as the cold way up here was cutting through my flesh.

He followed me quietly. I pushed open the door and stepped inside, where the air already felt warmer.

I was nervous, but the idea had formed and I wanted to put it into action.

After I descended the stairs and was back on the top floor, I went to where Edward found the blanket and placed it back inside. I looked around and noticed many open doors, all meant for patients.

"Are there like... rooms here for doctors to sleep?"

"Plenty," he said with a nod.

"Where?"

He looked around and started for the hallway, where eventually the room door were shut.

He first knocked and after nobody protested, he opened the door. The room was empty, except for a bed.

"Yeah," he said, walking in. "This is supposedly for sleeping."

I walked in as well and closed the door.

He turned and said with mischief in his eyes, "You've no idea how many people meet up here for sex."

My hand felt the lock and I turned it so nobody could come in.

Edward's eyes went to my hand with a scowl, than with comprehending eyes to mine.

"I wasn't serious," he said with a scoff.

I nodded.

 _I know._

"I was joking, Bella."

His voice was more firm.

I couldn't move. I was too nervous, too frozen.

"I reckon it's a good idea," I said with a tremor in my voice. "To get a room."

He smiled with tight lips.

"I'll need a little more explanation," he said with raised eyebrows.

"Well. As you said. Let's get rid of the problem and see-"

"As I said before, I wasn't being serious. Also, your virginity is not a problem."

I rolled my eyes. "Nevertheless. Let's get rid of the problem and see what my next excuse will be against your weird marriage proposal."

"I see. You just want to find out if I'm any good in bed before sealing the deal, huh?"

My lips parted in shock but he laughed. It was a joke and I shook my head with a little smile.

He came over me with conflict in his eyes.

"You need to know one thing," he said.

I inhaled sharply.

"You're virginity. You have my highest respect."

"Oh... O-Okay?"

"In today's society, with drugs, social media, and even Jacob. For you to be a virgin is something to be proud of."

I nodded.

The honest fact was, yes, this frightened me more then anything.

The pressure.

Edward took my hand.

He went down on one knee.

"Bella? Would you do me the honor of marrying me?"

"What are you doing?" I asked quickly.

"Properly proposing."

"I thought we're about to have sex."

"We're getting there, Cherry."

He looked at me with my hand still in his.

"I know your answer. I just need to hear it."

"What is my answer?" I said.

"You're checking again if my thoughts about your thoughts are correct?"

I nodded, nervously.

"Your answer is yes," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"No."

Neither was I.

"I might," I said awkwardly.

He raised and said, "Fair enough."

Then he towered above me and I was on the edge.

"I'm rusty. You're innocent. We're both sober."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I don't know yet. I hope good."

He pushed me against the door and kissed me like I'd never been kissed before.


End file.
